The fixing fiasco!!!

Okay. I am a typical cricket fan – played with dreams in the eyes as a kid and now follow it even in my dreams. Cricket to me has been more than a hobby; it is more like a habit. It has been a stress-buster, a something which I eagerly look forward to in an otherwise mundane life. It has occupied more than 90% of my mind over the years irrespective of the situations, most of the times.

When India was playing Sri Lanka in 1996 world cup semi final, I was more worried about the score than my board exams. I could sail through empty mindedness in the college during the last semester just because of the historic series in 2001. Couple of years back when my career was in total doldrums, not that it is any better now, I found solace in India’s victorious campaign in 2011 world cup.

Such has become the habit that quite often I have followed cricket not because I have really liked doing it, it is because I have not had anything better to do. In fact, I have not known anything better to do.

Hence, no matter how much I ridiculed IPL, I still followed it – with almost equal vigor of following the international cricket. If I say I didn’t like it, I would be lying.

But now I have been told that some of the matches I followed with keen interest were fixed. Okay spot fixing it was but that doesn’t matter. Three of the players have been alleged of being involved, one of them has reportedly accepted it. That’s utter dishonesty – with their profession, their team, their bosses and most importantly the fans. That’s what everyone pretends to be saying about them. Right now, entire world is a statue of honesty and those three are the dishonest lot, the only dishonest lot.

The thing with honesty is – the entire world is illuminated with the masquerade of honesty as soon as it finds a dishonest corner.

A news channel reported it as cheating with billions. Someone tweeted – “Yes definitely. Tribal in Kalahandi can no longer trust their favorite IPL team”. Touche is the word that came to my mind.

Another news channel told that these players are so characterless that they had prostitutes visiting them in their rooms. The same channel reported about Sanjay Dutt’s possible breakfast in Jail, Poha and Upma, for next two days. So much for the character of journalism, is what I thought.

A politician demanded strict punishment for those found guilty – life ban, at least ten years of imprisonment and seizure of wealth accrued by playing cricket. The same politician was a front runner in “pardon Sanjay Dutt” brigade. Need I say more?

Morality is nothing but just a word. I don’t possess a character strong enough to claim otherwise. I am imbibed with two of the human traits – greed and fear, as much as anyone. I don’t have a right to say what these players should or should not have done. Even if I have, I am too small to use my rights to make a difference. Remember, I am just an average cricket fan?

Such event has not happened for the first time. I clearly remember 2000. This will not be the last time also. I will clearly remember 2013.

What such events do is that they create an element of mistrust in your mind. Mistrust is like a mustache sported by a gorgeous girl – no matter how beautiful she is, the mustache will be the first thing you are going to notice. It may well be the only thing.

With such revelations, how do I trust if other matches were clean? How do I trust if any of the matches were clean?

Today Rahane didn’t appeal for a run out? White strangely failed to throw the ball. Sammy terribly misfield-ed at the boundary. Did it all just happen or it was made to happen?

I have serious doubts about RP Singh’s no ball. I will never understand why Kedar Jadhav didn’t break the stumps? How could Pollard drop three catches in a row and how could Hussey offer three catches in a row to the same fielder? I may never get the answers. But that’s okay. Few years from now, remembering these names will be difficult. I don’t really care about these names.

Mistrust grows. Unless treated properly, it just does. More you focus on the mustache of that pretty lady which makes her look not so beautiful, more ugliness you will find in her. After all, there is nothing called perfect beauty.

What if my mistrust grows to other names, bigger names? What if it reaches the names which matter?

Dravid didn’t really cry after losing the match tonight. Was he really disturbed after losing? By the way, he is leading the team which had those three players in the wings. Can he be? Losing trust can be disastrous. Or faith is the word. Being semantically challenged, I will stick to trust.

Dhoni’s dropping Morkel in the last season’s play off or sending Ashwin up the order this season is anyhow seen as a doubtful act by some news papers.

Last season, Ganguly could neither get out nor hit out while playing for PW. PW lost almost everything. Was it age getting better of Ganguly the batsman or something else? A batsman can always get out whenever he wants to, isn’t it? If I am losing the trust in entire system, how can I trust anyone?

Time for a bit of blasphemy – Sachin retired hurt citing cramp in hands in the match against SRH. Eleven years back, when Gibbs retired hurt citing similar injury and his team lost the match after that from a winning position; a friend of mine raised the fixing angle. I didn’t agree one single bit. We agreed to term it as choking.

Oh, maybe I am getting a bit too finicky. Sachin cannot be corrupt, after all he is Sachin. But is it not the same way people would have thought about Hansie Cronje – he couldn’t have been corrupt, after all he was Hansie Cronje. Since it has come down to Sachin, I will use the word faith. Losing faith makes you blind. Once you are blind, you cannot differentiate. In fact, you don’t.

What if even holier than thou are proved, or even alleged, to be corrupt. How am I going to feel? It will feel as if you have been giving it all to save the life of a terminally ill loved one but the doctor tells you – “Sorry, no chance. Actually, he never had any.” You would feel betrayed by no one else but your own hope. There is no bigger betrayal than someones own hope betraying him. Saying “it will hurt” will not even be a gross understatement.

What should I do? Maybe this is a wrong question. Life is not really about what you should or should not do. It is more about what you can or cannot do. It is about the options you have and how, if at all, you can exercise them. There are always at least two options – either you can fight to live another day or give up an embrace the ease provided by death, death of fight.

I have three options too.

I can believe in the theory that everything, from top to bottom, from start to end, each and every match I followed with keen enthusiasm was fixed. I can believe that it was nothing but a well rigged reality show. Thus, I can give up on my habbit, my hobby. But that won’t be me. I won’t be me after that.

I can still follow the game but with suspicion. But that will not let me enjoy the game. Every dropped catch will be seen with the eyes of doubt, every bad over will sound fishy, and every poor dismissal will look fixed. It will be even worse than giving up on the game. It will be like quitting smoking but deciding to smoke only when you drink tea and drink a dozen cups of tea everyday.

There is another option. Believe in the belief with which I have followed till now – it is all clean until proven otherwise. Believe in the belief that holier than thou are actually holier than everyone. Believe in the belief that every batsman bats to hear the sweet sound when he times it perfectly, every bowler bowls to hear the sound of timbre, every fielder takes immense joy in making an impossible stop. The option is to keep believing that cricket is a game where people possessing different arts try to outsmart each other and that’s their only objective when on the ground. I took this option in 2000 and it paid rich dividends. I know people who took the first option after 2000 and I know they’ve missed a lot. I got to enjoy a golden period, got to enjoy the showmanship of some real heroes and got to hold on to a hobby, the only one. I will take the third option this time also. And maybe next time also.

Challenge of life is not looking at what’s bad and giving up. Challenge lies in searching for what’s good and looking at it. Challenge is in making yourself see beyond the mustache and enjoying the beauty. Challenge is in keeping your faith in tact. Challenge is in keeping the trust in tact. Challenge is in not letting a few tornado rattle that.

One may call me a foolhardy but if fooling me keeps hopeful of getting to see one more golden period, I would say there is a challenge in fooling yourself too and I accept it.

Don’t forget, Indian cricket’s last golden period came after a fixing fiasco. Who knows, next one may follow this one.

And this time, I am sure that SIR will bring it.

 

The Razzmatazz Routed XI!!!

End is nigh - if not for this universe, at least for equally unending Razzmatazz. Within a few weeks from now Amit ka Amit will achieve monopoly. Doraemon will not have to be afraid of anyone other than Zian. The Indian Premiere League will finally come to an end. Like every other season, this season has also given us many memorable performances which will be forgotten maximum by the month of June. Only few, like Munaf Patel’s historical shrug, will last any longer. In fact for me, it will last the longest. While there have been many a memorable performances which will be forgotten soon, there have been an equal number of forgettable performances which will be remembered for ever. Here is my attempt to pick up a team made by those who have given us such performances – the Razzmatazz Routed XI.

 

1.     Sehwag- When “see the ball, hit the ball” didn’t work, they brought in specs for him to help seeing the ball better. When seeing it better didn’t help, they brought in Viv Richards to make him hit the ball better. Sehwag told us that Richards taught him a thing or two about bluffing. Sehwag’s next innings of 95 bluffed us all – we though he was back to being old Sehwag but soon we were duly informed that Sehwag was back to being old. Barring that innings, Sehwag has averaged 18 in 8 innings this season. Having lost his position in the national side and players becoming a commodity in open market after this season, it will be interesting to see who goes to pay what for him.

 

2.     Gilchrist – He has put stop watches to a stringent test. It has been a challenge measuring which of the three has been smaller – time taken by him to reach the pitch, time taken by him to walk out of the ground and the time spent by him at the crease. I think the last one would have won hands down. His biggest contribution has been in teaching Chandilla about how not to get a batsman out. This may well be Gilly’s last appearance in IPL. We will miss those towering sixes over mid-wicket; we will miss those walks back to the pavilion even when umpires failed to see the faint nicks and we will miss those convincing appeals for caught behind even when the ball missed the bat by kilometers.

 

3.     Ponting – Ponting’s biggest contribution has been letting the baggage go and hugging Harbhajan Singh. Second biggest contribution was in dropping himself. Third was in not committing suicide after Munaf gave him that famous shrug. Frankly speaking, Ponting was never a good buy. Even in his hay days when he was lightning fast on his feet, Ponting wasn’t fast enough against slow bowlers. To assume that he would do well on slow tracks in India at this age was an assumption just short of daydreaming. But then, corporate house owning Mumbai Indians is known for spending millions on a dream house just to leave it unoccupied. This says a lot.

 

4.     Maxwell – Well, he had to be picked up in some team. It had to be this team. I had never heard about Maxwell till he played against India in last test series. In that series I was told about his price tag in IPL. It left me as agape as I would be if I see a silent NS Sidhu. I hope cunning wealth managers in Mumbai didn’t convince Maxwell to put his money in the stocks of the corporate house which owns Mumbai Indians. If he has done that, he would get to learn the most basic rule of any casino – it is the house which always wins.

 

5.     Manoj Tiwary – India’s most successful drinks man seems to be batting under the effects of drinks this season. Some say he has not been fully fit and that’s why, not for the first time, lost his place in the national side. Some say there is, not for the first time, a conspiracy behind it. Having missed five of KKR’s 14 matches, Tiwary may soon be back to his favorite job in IPL too – serving drinks. The way things have gone, it doesn’t look like Tiwary is likely to have any future in the national side. The way this season has gone, it doesn’t augur well for him in IPL too. Problem is that when future generations will talk about talents India wasted in 2000s-2010s, Tiwary’s name will not even feature in top ten. Top ten will be occupied by Mr. Talented.

6.     Taylor – If Ganguly was believed to be the god on off side, Taylor would qualify as a perfect atheist. Last time he was seen to be playing on off side, all those fancy financial instruments which sunk the world were still seen as moneymaking machines. His over obsession of leg side strokes anyhow makes him 50% of the batsman he can be. Having added additional burden of captaincy, PW had a recipe for disaster. 63 runs in 5 matches, strike rate of 83, 2 fours and a six - even Morne Morkel sounds to be a better contributor with bat than Taylor.

 

7.     Yusuf Pathan – There was a time when Yusuf Pathan had openly stated that he wanted to play test cricket for India. During those days, I was looking to buy a piece of land on Mars and build a multiplex on it. IPL 1 was all about Yusuf Pathan, almost. IPL 6 has been all without Yusuf Pathan, almost. Forget batting, such has been his brilliance in the field that even Ashish Nehra may start giving him fielding lessons. If runs were awarded for giving serious and determined looks, Yusuf Pathan may well have been giving sleepless nights to Bradman in his grave. Alas, runs need to be scored.

 

8.     Yuvraj Singh – Problem with Yuvraj is that he still thinks an Indian diving to field the ball is as rare sight as spotting a silent Sidhu. Every time he dives, it is followed by an expression which makes one feel as if Yuvraj has just come out of a session where he was trying to teach something about being sensible to Sreesanth. That’s the hallmark of a man still living in early 2000s. Like his fans, his batting gives a feel that Yuvraj is still living in February-March period of 2011. Every time he has hit a boundary, it has followed a body language which suggests he owns the world. What has followed next is the long walk to pavilion. A fit Yuvraj would have solved one problem for PW – problem of leadership. A not so fit and woefully out of form Yuvraj has given PW the problems aplenty. Oh by the way, PW is a team participating in IPL6.

 

9.     Dinda – Dinda had to be the first bowler to be picked in this side. You guessed it right; it is for his jump which takes him out of earth’s atmosphere. I stay just a few kilometers away from PW’s home ground and every time PW plays there, I can go to the rooftop and see Dinda in his jump. He seems to be the only hope for Laika’s descendants to get Laika’s body back to the earth from moon. Twice Dinda has bowled to the Gayle juggernaut in this tournament. Both the times, Gayle has bowled the last ball of the match to Dinda. Both the times, it has ended with Gayle hugging Dinda. Talk about being big hearted and hugging the man who tortured you just an hour or so ago. One can argue that if Gayle decides to hug Dinda, he will not have a choice anyhow but still. There have been theories floating around Dinda being unlucky for the team – how KKR never won anything when he was part of their side or how PW doesn’t win anything now, but I see a different angle to it. Concept of cheerleaders was introduced so that their dance could add some glamor to the game. Dinda’s bowling ensures that cheerleaders get numerous opportunities to dance.

 

10.  Shaun Tait – Whenever someone boasts about Australians being mentally strong, I can’t help but think about Tait. Whenever Tait was talked about as a big factor for Australians, he faltered. Whenever he faltered, he announced his retirement from that particular format in question. Perth 2008 was one example. Motera 2011 was another. Someone told me that he read in Nadal’s autobiography – his dad asked him to serve as fast as he could without worrying about where it landed. Tait must have heard that conversation between Nadal and his dad – Tait bowls as fast he can without worrying about where to land it. One wicket in 3 matches and economy rate of 9.8 signifying gravitational force, his inclusion is surety to bring down team’s performance at a rate faster than gravitational acceleration.

11.  Ajit Agarkar – No such team can be completed without at least one of the two knights India has produced. It feels good to see that Senior Sir, as I fondly call him, hasn’t lost his touch. He started this season’s bowling with his trademark - wide. He bowled not so badly in the first match – going at 7.25 runs per over. His best economy in a match has been 4 runs per over but then, he bowled just one over in that match. He showed his expertise in his last match – going for 22 in 2 overs. That may well be his last match for the season. Though he dropped a catch this time, I had never seen him dropping a catch before that, he showed that he still possesses the art so undervalued these days – to make most difficult of catches look simple. Even the catch he dropped was of MS Dhoni and if there were reasons behind dropping that catch, not many can blame him. We all strive towards keeping our bosses happy. Anyways, this season may well be the last of Senior Sir too. Respect is all I have for him.

That brings us to the end of this team which is technically in correct – has 5 foreign players. But in a team of imperfections, this much of imperfection should be allowed. If not, get lost. 

Picture curtsey: uywvker.servebbs.com  

Razzmatazz at halfway stage!!!

We are almost there. In less than a month, Veera will be breathing easy on Star as it won’t have to compete with Tracer Bullet’s clichés. Pankhudi will be free to tell us all about Pyar ka Dard hai, meetha meetha pyara pyara.

IPL6, just past halfway stage, will finally come to an end. However, it is time to look back and see how the teams have performed.

 

PW – One player PW has been badly missing this season is Sourav Ganguly. If he was there, PW would have found it easy to name the reason behind pathetic performance. Alas, they don’t have him. I have a hunch that in PW’s matches, it won’t be the winner that gamblers would be betting on. It is given that PW would lose. They would be betting on who is going to walk out to toss the coin for PW. Surprisingly, they haven’t changed their captain for last few matches. Coming back to cricket, Finch has provided some hope just to be killed by the bowling line up which includes the man who can jump to the moon – Dinda. Yuvraj has made a few guest appearances. B Kumar has bowled brilliantly. But it ends at that. I am not sure if there is even a remote possibility for PW to make it to top four which makes them a really dangerous side – for other sides. PW is in a perfect position to play the role of a party spoiler.

 

DD – In one of the past few seasons, there was a joke floating around – “Hope GMR has done better job in building Delhi airport than building the team”. Having seen Delhi airport a few times, I am sure GMR did a better work in building them. On paper, they don’t look a bad side. They have an ex SL captain in Mahela, could be Australian captain in Warner and could have been an Indian captain in Sehwag. They have India’s best pacer and SA’s second best pacer. Problem is that DD doesn’t have anything in between these two sets. They don’t have a middle order. Juneja doesn’t look to be ready for this version of cricket; Unmukt Chand doesn’t look to be ready for cricket which has a flavor of international cricket at senior level. Maybe DD still have an outside chance of making it to top four but I would rate my chances of getting a 20% salary hike more than that.

 

KKR - KKR is fast going back to good old KKR days – of the first four seasons. Good to see GG has given up his habit of guiding the ball to slips but sad to see that he has picked of a new habit of getting bowled regularly. These days, everyone tries to become God. If KKR struggled in first four seasons, it was because of too much arsenal imported from outside India. They didn’t believe much in homegrown talent. Things changed a bit after first three seasons with acquisition of GG, Yusuf Pathan, Bhatia etc. Alas, it is back to square one this time. Sunil Narine is still taking wickets but he doesn’t often get enough runs to defend. Balaji is fast getting to the levels of Narine – in terms of bowling speed. Kallis is not in match winning form. Morgan is often left a bit too much to do. Yusuf Pathan is proving to be a bigger bubble than credit crisis. KKR is in trouble and I know why. I am yet to see their savior this season – Chunky Pandey in the crowd with his round and blue shades. KKR needs him and needs him badly.

 

KXIP – The fact that KXIP are still in with a chance would have surprised even them. Gilly has been batting like Dinesh Mongia. Piyush Chawla’s assets have become more prominent than Preity Zinta’s, the dimples I mean. Awana has shown that he is a better dancer than a bowler – a trait leading him to the path laid by ex-KXIP legend, Sreesanth. Apart from three M’s, Mandeep Singh, Manan Vohra and Miller, others haven’t done much. But they have done enough to win 50% of their matches. No matter how bad Gilly’s form has been, his greatness is bound to make him play an unbelievable innings in at least one match. I am afraid that innings will either clear the way for KXIP into the next round or end the road for some other team.

 

SRH – SRH have played quite like Pakistan. Their bowling has almost always been explosive. Their batting has almost always been imploding. To add to it, they have Parthiv Patel in their wings – closest human to Kamran Akmal when it comes to wicket keeping. Watching Dale Steyn bowl has been a pleasure. Playing Amit Mishra has been a pain. Captaincy by White has sometimes been pathetic. Yet, SRH have done well to stick to their motto – neither will we score more than 130 nor we will let you score more than 130. With comeback of Shikhar Dhawan, they can expect some strength in their batting. As long as they don’t play in Chennai, Perera’s all-round abilities are going to be more than handy. Amit Mishra has proved that it is not just the ball or his bulging tummy; he can also contribute with the bat. Only if they could get Sanga back in the side, SRH would be safer. One name I would like to mention is of Ashish Reddy. While he has done okay till now, I think he is the wrong Reddy in SRH camp. If you have read any of my pieces on IPL 6 earlier, you would know which Reddy I am talking about.

 

MI – If MI is in top four it is not because but in spite of Sachin and Ponting opening for them in the first few matches. Good that Ponting decided to sit out. For Sachin, either he hasn’t lasted long or he has taken too long if he has. MI’s batting has been all about Dinesh KArthik, their fielding has been all about Pollard and their bowling has been a lot about Johnson. It is admirable that MI have done so well although their trump card, Malinga, hasn’t been in the best of forms. Or considering the ease with which lot of Indian batsmen play him, he is no longer a trump card. Whenever Rohit Sharma has walked out to bat, he has played at least one shot which made us drop or jaws and say, “Why the hell he is not a permanent fixture in Indian team”. In the same innings, Rohit Sharma has shown us exactly why he is not a permanent fixture in the side. Please keep a margin of 10% in my theory about his batting. BTW, that’s the success rate he enjoys as well. Ideally, MI should make it to top four but one can never be confident about it. In the past, MI has found new ways of messing it all up.

 

RR – RR is my favorite team because of Dravid. It is ironic that bottom two teams in top four have lost a match each to bottom two teams in the tournament. Till now, RR has done really well from the pool of not so well-known players – Chandila, Yagnik, Faulkner etc. Dravid, Rahane and Hodge have done decently. RR is lucky that they seem to be done with their well-known players – Tait and Sreesanth. But biggest asset for RR has been return of the Jedi – Shane Watson. Sometimes it takes years for a person to find out what is stopping him to be at his best. Shane Watson did it in one night. He stepped down as Australia’s vice-captain and next day, he was bowling. His batting also improved. Let’s see how long it takes in him stepping down as an Australian cricketer and become a freelancer ala Gayle. But somehow I feel that RR lacks something important to make it to the next round – they need the killer punch. I am afraid that it will be SRH to deliver it to them in the race to final four.

 

RCB – Chris Gayle, Chris Gayle and Chris Gayle – that’s what has been the story of RCB. Okay, even Kohli and AB have batted really well but it is Gayle who has been the deciding factor more often than not. Surprisingly, RCB’s bowlers have done better than expected. Vinay Kumar has been close to purple cap all along and RP Singh has made amends for that notorious no ball on more than one occasion.

Virat Kohli has given plenty of proofs why he should be kept away from captaining India for a long time. I find it ironic that India’s most aggressive (or abusive) player keeps demanding respect from the crowd. Maybe someone must tell him that if he is looking for admiration, his batting is getting him plenty of it. If he is looking for respect, his behavior must change. Anyways, RCB is sure to remain in top four. Whether they get past that stage will depend on how their big three bat on particular days. If they happen to meet CSK in one of those days, their chances of getting past that stage will be slimmer.

 

CSK – This season, CSK has played quite unlike CSK. They are looking certainty for top four at this point is a proof of that. Normally, they limp their way to top four as the season ends. Well, that’s the only area where they haven’t been like CSK. Otherwise it has been like last five seasons – whenever it has come down to punching their opponents, CSK has come out winning. Michael Hussey has ensured that the pitch at which calls will be made for his comeback in ashes will be really high. MSD has shown that he has yet not lost the touch of being one of the best finishers. SIR has proved that he can win matches on his own. Saha may keep out Vijay for rest of the season. Raina is yet to hit the top form. Badri is yet to get enough opportunities. CSK has been the best fielding side in the entire tournament. While CSK’s yellow dress and attitude have made them look like Australia of old, their death bowling has made them look like India of forever. While people have complained about each and every CSK match being too close for comfort, I have found them predictable especially if CSK has been chasing. No matter how many they have needed to win, the equation in the last five over has been 50+ to score in five overs. Other 35 overs in the match have looked like a waste of time. In IPL5, CSK considered Bisla as out of syllabus and that out of syllabus question was the reason for them to fail in the final exam. Unless CSK keeps on ignoring this phenomenon, they sound like the strongest contender to win the title.

 

That’s it ladies and gentlemen. Next few days or so will give us one more IPL champion. But in the dictionary of Tracer Bullet, cricket will be the ultimate winner. 

(Picture courtesy: Indian Express)

Photography!!!

After more than six years and messing up with two digital cameras, I finally managed to get hold on to my first SLR. I bought it through one of my friend. He got a good deal in thanksgiving. Along with the camera and the kit lens, I managed to hold one to a zoom lens at almost one tenth of its market price.

“The first thing he will ask after getting the lens is what to do with it” told my brother in law to my sister once he heard about the deal I had struck. He is a professional in the field of photography.

This actually happened. Once I got the lens, I didn’t know what to with it and wanted to sell it. Thankfully I decided to try it once before selling and changed my mind.

After getting the camera, what started next was painful process of trying different modes. This task would have been easier if I had taken help of user manual. But my gigantic ego stopped me from doing it

“I don’t read. I write” is what I told myself.

Start was made in auto mode. While photographs looked good when taken in auto mode, I was more interested in trying the manual mode. What’s the point of buying an SLR anyways if you are going to use it in auto mode?

“Shutter speed, aperture and ISO – photography is all about these three” is what an expert told me.

It sounded simple. To get a good picture, all one needs to get the best combination of these three.

For a particular time, these three should form a unique combination. That unique combination will let specific quantity of light enter the camera. It is simple mathematics is what I thought. It is all about how much light you capture. Whenever I write a book on photography, it will name it “It is all about light” I had not stopped thinking.

But soon I came to the golden realization - thinking is often a waste of time. So I decided to concentrate on clicking. Soon I realized that for starters, photography can be quite like playing carom. While making a strike, you need to be at your calmest best, hold still, look at the target, gauge all the angles and choose the best one, do a mental calculation about the path that striker will take and hit it when you are 100% ready and sure to do so - a bit here and there will mean not hitting the target at the best possible angle. Same applies to photography and focusing. You need to focus it to the T else slippage can be catastrophic. Imagine clicking portrait of a female colleague and missing the focus vertically by a foot or so – either ways.

I experienced the downside of missing the focus right at the start. While trying to click a few birds at the roof, I missed the focus and they came in the background of the picture. What came in the focus were Tata Sky antennas and the bodily discharge of the birds splattered all across the antennas. Let the writer in me bail out the photographer in me is what I thought, named the pic as Tata’s Sky and those who use it and posted it on a public forum at work. Next day I got a mail from a female colleague lecturing me not to make that respected forum a joke by putting such substandard pic on it. Well, the pic was really pathetic.

Anyways, it didn’t deter me. I am quite used to getting scolded by the other side of gender divide. To the females, if any, reading this – no point trying this stunt with me. I am used to of it.

“Post processing is dishonesty with the photography” is what I told an expert who asked me to learn photoshop. Alas, I was soon back to one of my many habits – eating my own words. Editing pictures in photoshop does make them look lot better but it is a painful process – less for you and more for your laptop. If not for suggestion by the guy in computer repair shop to use cooling pad, my laptop would have died by now.

I would like to give on suggestion, though. If you want to avoid your better half’s wrath, don’t pick up photography. It does consume lot of your time and this is something no wife can cope up with – someone other than her eating up your time. Being an ardent cricket, which I am, will double the trouble for you.

“As if cricket was not enough, you have brought in this new nuisance to the house. I wonder why you married me” is what you will often get to hear. And you will wonder how both of you are you wondering about the same thing – why you married her.

Another thing I have noticed is that once you have learned to handle the camera, a bigger challenge awaits you. The challenge is to find the subjects. Some choose portraits. Some choose birds. Some choose wild life.

I chose my two sons. It has been difficult. Forget the posing; my first task is to save my camera from them. My younger son broke my last camera and I don’t want my SLR to meet the same fate. With kids, the shutter speed needs to be high, focusing needs to be quick and there has to be good amount of light. You hardly get time to change the settings. It is difficult.

One day I would like to do wild life photography but I am not sure if it will be more difficult than clicking the kids. At least you don’t need to beg in front a tiger to smile. If you spot a tiger, you click. If a tiger spots you, you run. It is simple.

I gave the same logic to an expert and he told me that wild life photography is more difficult. But that will have to wait. I will do it one day if two things remain alive – yours truly and yours truly’s interest in photography. For the time being, it will be kids, toy cars, sunrise, sunset and a bit of this and that.

Anyhow, the fever is catching up. I am also realizing the shortcomings of ecommerce. Expansive lenses are just a click away and you do want to own all of them. Unfortunately, salary comes once in a month and that’s not enough to make you save to buy even a lens cap. To get deeper in the world of photography without starving at the hands of ecommerce, you would need humongous amount of self-control.

The Knighthood Quagmire!!!

James was sitting in the guest room of Buckingham palace. During all his life as world’s most famous secret agent and being a loyal employee to MI6, this was the first time he was visiting the palace. Situation was quite strange for him. All these years when he was an employee to MI6, he was never invited to the palace. And now when he had quit MI6 , he was sitting there, in the palace, as an official invitee to her highness.

The palace was grand.

Soon her highness, the Queen, appeared. James stood up, held her hand, kissed it and greeted “Her highness, my name is Bond. James Bond”

“Oh the universe knows it. Better get it tattooed on your forehead” said the Queen with an emotionless face. James was taken aback.

“Oh that’s hilarious. Her highness, I must say. Your sense of humor is just immaculate” said Queen’s sidekick.

James smiled and laughed slowly. All his life, he had been world’s best and most famous secret agent. Asking it to get tattooed on his forehead was an insult and James had taken an offence. But as they say, when people in power take a dump – it isn’t called shitting but taking time out to provide natural fertilizer to the world for greater good, James had to smile and laugh at the Queen’s joke.

The Queen hinted her sidekick to move out of the room and off he went.

Queen sat down and asked James to sit.

James asked politely, “Her highness. Kindly allow me to thank you from the bottom of my heart for inviting me to the palace. Seriously, this is the biggest day of my life”

“Oh cut out the flattery, Mr. Bond. Let’s come straight to the point” said Queen.

 “As you please her highness. May I know the reason?”

“I’ve heard that MI6 has fired you, Mr. Bond?”

“I beg to differ, her highness. They didn’t fire me. It was yours truly who resigned.”

“Whatever it is, you are out of job right now. And I have something to offer Mr. Bond” said the Queen.

“I am all ears”

“It’s the knighthood” said Queen and took a pause.

James might have been paid handsomely by MI6 in cash and he might have earned bigger rewards in kind during his tenure, but if there was one thing he always longed for, it was respect. He always wondered, even after being the most courageous servant to the British Empire in last century, he was never rewarded with the biggest honor of all – the knighthood. This was one grudge he had against his own motherland – why couldn’t it recognize his service and reward it accordingly. Why James had to live the anonymous life of world’s most famous secret agent. Why he wasn’t known as Sir James Bond. Why?

The Queen came out of her pause and restarted, “The Knighthood has been stolen Mr. Bond”

From a height of 30,000 feet, James came crashing down to the ground.

There you go. It is not happening. These thankless souls will never recognize my contribution towards the country. But what the hell is this? Knighthood has been stolen? Last I knew, it used to be a title aimed at distributing to those who kept the Royals happy. That’s been stolen? What? Ten thousand thoughts came to James’ mind in a split second.

“Her highness, have I heard it right? Knighthood has been stolen? Isn’t it a title – an intangible? How can someone steal it?”

“I know it sounds a bit weird Mr. Bond.” said Queen”Please allow me to explain. As you know, the Royal family awards knighthood to those who do exemplary service to the empire. Those who awarded with Knighthood are called as Sir”

James nodded. Queen continued “But what I have been told recently that the entire universe has started to refer someone as Sir. But I don’t remember awarding knighthood to anyone off late. That’s why I say, knighthood has been stolen. Someone has been using it without our consent, my consent. I want you to find out all those who are behind this theft and undo all the harm caused to the deemed title of Sir”

James had yet not come in terms with what had just been told. He politely asked the Queen “Her highness, may I ask who is that someone?”

“Some curly haired cricketer in India”

“Oh, the little master? Her highness, he is a fantastic cricketer. He is awesome. He had become a great batsman even before I could solve the Golden Eye case. In my humble opinion, knighthood will be richer to have him in its honor roll”

“Mr. Bond. You are not here to opine. You are here to solve a case. If it was him, I wouldn’t have needed you. He is part of the government there and I would have solved this case diplomatically. It is some other curly haired cricketer. I need you to find out who he is, how and when he was knighted, make sure that nobody calls him sir from now on.”

“Okay her highness. Now if you don’t mind, can we discuss the remuneration part” said James.

“Mr. Bond. Don’t you understand? You will be working for the empire. Everything will be taken care of. Now off you go” said Queen and walked out of the room.

James stood there for a few seconds. He had busted multiple heists, killed world’s most dangerous terrorists, saved the world from nuclear attacks but this was something he had never done. How the hell he was supposed to solve the case of a title being stolen? But he was out of job and the world was in such a big recession that companies were rumored to have been replacing toilet papers with the resumes of applicants. James had to take whatever job came his way.

He came back to his room, picked up his digital diary and started scrolling down. He had a few assets in India and decided to make them the starting point. He decided to call up his most reliable informer – codenamed Agent 300. Agent 300 had helped James in multiple cases and was James’ most trusted ally in India.  

James dialed the number. “Hello. This is agent 007. Am I talking to agent 300?”

“Hey James, PuPoo here. How are you?” said 300 in reply.

 “What the hell dude? Why are you calling me by my name? Have you forgotten the protocols?” wondered James.

“Oh chuck it. The world knows that you have been fired” laughed agent 300.

“Dude, I resigned. How the hell everyone knows about it? I am sure M has been spreading the rumor that I was fired. That’s why everyone knows it. BTW, what the hell is PuPoo? As far as I remember, it wasn’t your real name” said James in a surprised tone.

“Well, it is all my devotion for Sir. He owns a horse and has named it as PuP. Hence I have renamed myself as PuPoo. So what if I am not as lucky as his horse, I can hope that one day my name will reach Sir and he will bless me with his grace”

“Sir? Dude, you rock. You already seem to know about the case I am working on. I have a job for you”

“That’s hilarious. Someone who doesn’t have a job for himself is offering me a job” laughed Agent 300.

“Shut up dude. I am working for Royals now?”

“Oh that’s fantastic. Which of the two Royals you are working for? Is it Rajasthan Royals or Royal Challengers Bangalore?”

“I am working for the Queen” said James.

“Oh that reminds me, I have a job for you” said Agent 300.

This almost brought tears in James’ eyes. Agent 300 used to be a smalltime informer who was virtually a parasite for James to make a living, was offering a Job to James. How times change? It is what James thought.

“Before you refuse saying you have been paid a fortune by your current employer, let me tell you that I will pay double of what you may be getting. BTW, you are working for the Queen. You may not get anything. I know all about recession in Europe”

“Okay, go on. Let me hear it” said James.

 “You would know about knighthood – something if awarded to someone, that someone is called Sir” said Agent 300.

What the hell is going on? Is he working on the same case? If yes, why the hell Queen hired me? It has to be a no. When we started talking, he referred someone as Sir. Who was he referring to? What the hell is going on? James had his head in a spin.

“So the knighthood has been stolen and you want to find out who did it. Basically you want to subcontract this work. But dude, let me tell you that the Queen herself hired me for this job. So it will be the case of thanks but no thanks from me for this” said James.

“No James. It is not the case. Maybe you don’t follow cricket but let me tell you. The god has come to this planet in form of his new avatar. He has reincarnated in form of Sir Jadeja. Sir is the new God. Sir is the savior. Sir is everything” said Agent 300 “Sir is the symbol of ultimate respect. But what you English have done has devalued the meaning of word Sir. You have made this honor too human. Look around you James – every second person is Sir in England”

“So what do you want me to do?” asked James.

“I want you to strike a deal with the Queen. We, the devotees of Sir, want to buy all the exclusive rights of this word – Sir. Once the deal is struck, this will only be used for Sir Jadeja. Once we have the rights, the title of Sir will be withdrawn from all those who were Knighted in the past.  As I said, there should be and there will be only one Sir in this universe. Hail Sir”

“Are you on drugs? Do you even know what you are talking?” James was about to fall flat on the ground. He just couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Yes. I am asking you to broker a deal between us, the devotees of Sir, and the Queen – we want to buy all the rights to use the world Sir. BTW, it is SIR – all three letters are in capital”

“Dude, even if I believe you and explain the deal to the Queen, do you think she will buy it?”

“In that case, we will have to take a harsher step” said Agent 300.

“What will be that? Attack us?” said James in a sarcastic tone.

“Nope. We will simply request SIR to cancel Queen’s monarchy. Once that happens, we shall file the patent to use the world SIR” said Agent 300.

The call was disconnected. This was a weird development and James decided to update the queen about it. He got next day’s appointment to meet her.  

It took immense courage for James to explain it to the Queen - whatever happened between him and Agent 300.

If James was thinking he has had a weird day, Queen’s response made it even weirder.

“I have decided to drop the case Mr. Bond. You can pick up the cheque for your dues from the finance department. The case is closed”

“Her highness?” exclaimed James.

“I happened to watch last night’s match Mr. Bond. Guys in yellow Tee were playing against some team. I saw SIR in that – clad in yellow tee, the aura, the halo. It was all there and made me believe that he is SIR, the real SIR. I have realized my mistake and I am a devotee now. I would suggest you to become his devotee too, Mr. Bond” said Queen and off she went.

James stood there and watched her go.   

PS: This is a work of fiction. Resemblance to any living or dead is purely coincidental.