Sunday, September 17, 2006

My three attempts to tie a knot!!!

This post is written to display humor with an expectation of reader’s ability to find some sense in it. In case you feel any part of this is intended to hurt you, you may be dead right. Please take it in lighter spirits, be wise enough to not to take anything otherwise.

“What kind of a wife do you want?” My parents asked me this question some 4 years ago and like most of the interviews I have faced, I was clueless. And I am still seeking for an answer. However, the search for my soul mate kick started last year when I was forced by the parents of both the side to go and meet a girl.

So here I was, knocking at her door. Her mother opened the door and by the look of her I soon realized to introduce myself as her daughter’s “could be would be” before to be taken as a salesman. Finally I was invited inside and the interview lasted for over an hour. At the end of it, the only person who looked to be genuinely interested in me was her mother. I doubt, given a chance, she might well have eloped with me in the same auto I came back. Actually it was a total chaos. I was interested in the girl, her mother pretended as if she wanted me to marry her younger daughter and sounded as if societal norms are forcing to hide her intentions. On the contrary I wanted a wife of my age. Finally the chaos ended in me being rejected.

That calls for a new search string and the result was to be found in my previous company. I could not hide the temptation and started using a tool for which all the Romeos and Juliet of this internet world must be thankful till Armageddon, chatting with both side pretending to be completely ignorant of the genesis of this process. After repeated requests, the girl agreed to grant me a meeting, and ran away within five minutes of meeting me. Next couple of days, I spent in front of the mirror scrutinizing if the word people use to explain my looks, terrible, should be replaced with horrible. The girl simply avoided meeting me thereafter although my ex-employer couldn’t arrange a bigger workplace for us to avoid accidental meetings. Every time I saw her, her looks forced me to realize either she did not know the meaning of word “smile” or I was the worst possible thing that could have happened to her. This was rejection number 2.

So that sends us back to the same search string with expectation of different, better and results with a changed expected result. My entire family and all my friends gave me loads of beauty tips and suavity lessons for my third encounter. I, along with the third result of same search string, decided to have a cup of coffee and lunch there after. I wanted the coffee to be as short as possible and rush for lunch. So we, rather I, started talking over the cup of coffee. She was unnaturally quiet for a female. Just a few questions here and there from her side. Like “what kind of a wife you want, working or non-working?” I answered and immediately responded with a question mixed with my innocence, “what kind of a husband you want, working or non-working?” Response was a killing glare which forced me to doubt on my mere existence. This was one of the rarest of instances of my life when my listening skills were not put to a stress test while meeting with a species of other side of sexual divide. I gave up talking after half an hour only to face a question “You seem to be a quiet person”. This surprised enhanced my hunger so I asked “Should we proceed for lunch?” “Do we necessarily have to go for lunch” was the answer pointing out the third rejection.

I some how managed to make excuses for yet another letdown and let my family members open the doors for me. Its all back to square one now and my disagreement with the definition of weaker sex is increasing day by day. Even if a fraternity, after being painfully verbose, common sensically non sensical, with logic as a distant dream and with understanding of word cricket as a game of aliens, has such a decision power in its hands that makes a male wonder if he is going to die virgin, it cannot be weaker sex. Just cannot be. Or as Suraj Badjatya forced SP Balsubramanyam to say..."Kudiyon ka hai jamaana".

Friday, September 15, 2006

When they caught me in wet pants!!!

Like any other “bubbling to blast the world with my success” representative of the generation which is still enjoying the right side of their 30s, I also dream about my future when I will make it big. I dream about those “Rendezvous with the lady in white dress” interviews where she is interrogating me with tears in her eyes and making voices as she has never been hornier. And I am answering them with all the grace, sophistication and charm; I probably would never be able to achieve in next 7 lives.

I haven’t yet prepared myself for her other questions. But I definitely have prepared myself for the answer to one of her questions. “My most embarrassing moment in life”. Let me site few of them here.

The Shobhna!!!

I was on tours during one of the very little training I have done in my life. I had gone to Vadodara and was truly amazed with the Gujju beauties. My amazement was even more so as I was coming from the lands of extreme south where every female seems to have crossed 40, either in her age or in her waist size.

But time to bid adieu came sooner than I expected. So there I was, at the platform and waiting for my train. During all my journeys, lady luck has always blessed me with the company full of experiences. M 67, F 78, M 82, F 98 and like that have been my neighbors in all my journeys. But I expected and hoped for some change this time and the lady smiled at me. I checked the reservation chart and it was F 25 Shobhana occupying the seat below me. However it was around 2:00 AM at night so I dozed off. I woke up next afternoon and decided to chuck out all my fears with opposite sex. We started talking. Although as usual, I didn’t talk much.

Growing age induces a lot of vices into your brain before it infiltrates with your body. I had developed a habit of forgetting names. But I wasn’t going to forget this lass’ name. Noway. “Shobhna, Shobhna” was what drumming inside my mind round the clock. Finally, like all good things, journey was coming to an end. We had decided to get down together, catch the same autos and proceed as our destinations were in same areas. But what the hell, we haven’t been introduced formally. She recalled it almost an hour before the train was to come to its final halt. My mind was still drumming “Shobhna, Shobhna” just to make sure its not deleted from my fading memory.

She: “Hey, we don’t know each others name?”

Me: “Yeah you are right”

She: “So what’s your name?”

Me: “Shobhna”. That is exactly how it came out. And I could see the “shock of the life” look on her beautiful face.

“What?” was the next word I could hear from her and it was the last one. Next one hour I spent outside the cozy air-conditioned compartment. As soon as the station came, I ran away faster than I have ever done in my life.

But, the name was nice… “Shobhna”.

My hobbies!!!

If first one was embarrassing, this one crosses the limit. I met this gal over one of the matrimonial sites. And like the modern catalyst of matchmaking, we started to chat. Now people knowing me also know I am a big chat addict and generally have 4-5 windows open at a time. I was also chatting with a guy friend of mine and the first three letters of his name were same as the first three letters of the girl’s name. After the first few messages, the girl asked me “What are your favorite pastime activities?”

I thought my guy had asked me this stupid question. I never miss a chance to showcase some humor in whatever I do and expect my friends to find some humor in it. And they generally do it successfully. So thinking the question had come from a guy, I wrote “I love to sh****”. It went to the girl’s window.

I realized my blunder instantly and suddenly started doing everything I do in an interview. I was sweating, shivering and trying to control my laugh. After 6-7 sentences full of sorry, the girl replied “Chalo, at least you are honest about the things you love to do.” Her cool attitude and acceptance of the fact that she was rolling over the floor laughing with her head over heals made me even more embarrassed.

I sincerely pray to God that I don’t have to face any situation worse than that but as the saying goes, “If you think situation is bad, just hold on. It can actually get worse.”

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Lage raho….

Yet another effort of generation awakening through a radio show. But it has been an entertaining effort. “Lage Raho Munnabhai” is a sequel to the previous hit “Munnabha MBBS”. But director has been intelligent enough by not connecting the two. It’s a fresh new movie; just the brand “Munnabhai” has been en-cashed. By making a sequel has saved his efforts of character building. And by not connecting this to the previous one has saved his efforts of carrying the burden of the previous movie which could have caused hara-kiri as in “Phir Hera Feri”. In fact most sequels fail because the next movie is made to encash the success of the previous one. Where as the first movie is already a complete movie in itself. So you have to mould the “the end” of the first part in the second movie. Aaaahhhh…………I am getting confused myself. The bottom-line is, the sequel seems to be better than the first movie.

The best part is, even though the movie is full of bollywood drama, it still conveys a message, tickles you with jokes you can share with your mom and grand mom. The movie is not like Karan Johar’s never ending traumatic love stories or RGV factory’s either “Bhoot” or “Bhai” products or Bhatt camp’s nonsense efforts to showcase the page 3 crowd as the face of Indian society. It’s a neat and clean movie with no hangovers or aftereffects.
Arshad Varsi and Boaman Irani have been truly amazing. And director has been intelligent enough to give them the footage they deserve. But these two actors must be thankful to their dialogue writer. He has done a great job.
All in all it a must see movie. Although it may not be as big a hit as the traumatic, the painful, the agonizing, “Kabhi Alvida Na Kahna” but we all know how the words Hits and Flops have been defined here.