Saturday, December 29, 2007


If snakes around the globe were praying for private and peaceful vacations in the period between Christmas and New Year, they got their wish. Rajat Sharma finally got something more meaningful and sensible to tell about in IndiaTV. Continuing the tradition of cursed fate of the modern dynasties in this part of the globe, Benjir Bhutto was killed. “Killed” is replaceable with “died in an accident” because contrasting theories are coming out from different theorists. Although not going for a post mortem and washing off the place of event in a jiffy puts the “died in an accident” theory in a fishy light.

As of now, everyone is busy discussing how she was killed rather than discussing the whys and who’s. Let me be a little different from them and list out my suspects.

Al-Quaida – Not only they are the most notorious terrorist organization, but also most claiming and blamed group of masked fundamentalists. They claim/are blamed for every undesired event in the world, be it Bush’s fart fracturing his commode or a blast in Samjhauta Express. They did it this time as well. Hours with in Bhutto died; there was a statement from one of their spokesperson to some channel claiming the fame. But, no matter how much hatred they have in their hearts and destruction in their minds, they are humans. They need sources and support to fund their bread, butter and bombs. They might have been the actors, but it’s the director who calls the shots. I don’t think they have the guiles to be a director in this event.

India – We blame Pakistan for all kinds of attacks – be it insect attack on the crops in Punjab few years back or Kargil or the blasts around the country. Most of the times, blames are correct. Pakistan has been doing the same over the years. Especially with increased turbulence in the country in recent past, the trend has increased and will continue. How much truth is in that, I do not know. But, India doesn’t gain anything from Bhutto’s killing which has sent the country into a political turmoil. If I was India’s head of state, I would have preferred Pakistan to be a troubled and weak state. But it should be strong enough to keep the troubles in Pakistan away from India. With an unstable Pakistan, the trouble in Afghanistan would be just a few meters away instead of being at least half a country away. Leave aside the intent of the nation to construct or destruct, India looses more and gains nothing hence wouldn’t have been a part of the conspiracy.

Parvez Musharraf – He stands as the biggest and obvious suspect. But isn’t he a bit too obvious suspect. For me, General would have to be an idiot to plot such a conspiracy. One, he would have been too obvious suspect to run him into deeper troubles and two, he was said to have a political pact with Bhutto. Musharraf was under pressure from US & rest of the world to bring back the democracy whereas at the same time, army would be pressurizing him otherwise. Bhutto might have provided him the ideal coalition. General had more risks than returns in killing Bhutto.

Nawaz Sharif – If you plan to kill someone and get away scot-free, first thing you should do is to get an alibi. When Bhutto was attacked, there was a blast to target Nawaz Sharif on his rally too where he was not present. Was it his good fortune or alibi building? Having suffering from intellectual deficiency, I know very little about politics, leave aside Pakistani politics. But whatever little understanding I have, Pakistan has a two pole world – army and the so called democratic parties. For Nawaz Sharif, Bhutto was a bigger threat than Musharraf who was already in trouble and will go sooner or later. So once Bhutto out of his way, he just needs to wait for Musharraf’s end or manufacture his dethroning as Musharraf did to him few years back. Also, everyone knew who the biggest suspect would be if something happens to Bhutto.

Pakistan’s People Party (PPP) - All these years, Bhutto was spending a peaceful life somewhere in UK, I think. The moment she saw serious troubles for Musharraf, she came back charging to her country, started her fight in politics and started telling PPP that she would get them back in power. If I was someone looking after PPP for these many years, I would have to be too loyal to accept her supremacy in such circumstances. If there are fair elections sometime in future, PPP would be the biggest gainer not only because they want Musharraf but also because of the sympathy wave. As the events are turning out, the riots, the looting of banks, the torching of trains are tools to leave a strong effect of this tragic event on people’s minds. If there are fair elections, PPP should and would be the biggest gainer.

As usual, standard disclaimer - Thoughts above belonged to be. And as per our constitution, I have all the rights to express them. But being a gentleman, I apologize in case they hurt your sentiments. In addition to that, our media is busy discussing the way Bhutto died rather than who caused those ways. But soon they would come to the latter. So in case you want to use any of the above mentioned, do remember about the IPRs.

Monday, December 24, 2007


Writing about a year which is about to bid adieu is an easy task. List the number of significant events, pen down your opinion if you wish and the job is done. More diversified the portfolio of the events listed, the better it is. But being an average Indian, my mind fails to go beyond the WC debacle or 20-20 unexpected. Fortunately or unfortunately, most of my friends fall in this category though they would take it as an offence to their intellect. Anyways, let me recall some of the events of the year that was or wasn’t or would have been.


The year started with Shilpa Shetty being racially abused and entire media coming as her saviour. Indian media came to her rescue and launched a nationwide campaign. Aaj Tak launched a campaign - “If you are with her, SMS Y at 1234”. Star News followed suit - “If you are against racial attacks on her, SMS Y at 5678”. India TV was not left far behind “If you are with her and against racial attacks on her, SMS Y at 12345678”.

Delhi police continued the tradition of foiling the terrorist attacks before every 26th January and 15th august and killed two terrorists in Delhi.


India handsomely defeated Sri Lanka and West Indies in ODI series on trying pitches at home. SL was so scared of India’s formidable batting line up that they decided to save their ace off spinner’s confidence by not sending him on tour. In their Pre WC analysis, Aaj Tak declared India to win and India TV followed suit along with the rest. All of them joined hands and now you could send your SMS to a common number 303 to showcase your support. Ravi Kumar was named as the biggest supporter for having sent over three thousand SMS. He was promised dinner with Yuvraj Singh after India’s WC win and if Yuvraj was not available, Kim Sharma agreed to dine.


India stormed in and out of WC. Aaj Tak declared Captain Rahul Dravid as WC ka mujrim, India TV declared Mahinder Singh Dhoni as Kamjor Kadi and so on. Communal brilliance prevailed and media managed to cover entire team including the support staff, their spouses, mistresses, mothers and every possible attachment in the portfolio of culprits by choosing their respective wrongdoers. It was an excellent example of mutually exclusive and exhaustive selection.

Bob Woolmer died/ was murdered/ committed suicide/ disappeared and replaced himself with the dead body of his look alike. We could SMS the name of our prime suspect to Aaj Tak at 100. Injemam-ul-haq was named the prime suspect because he was the only player to be competent enough in size with Bob. Mahesh Bhatt declared to make a film on the entire sequence of events and Star One chipped in by launching a reality show to hunt the talent for Bhatt’s film. Imran Hashmi refused to kiss the dead body hence he was chucked out.


The month would be remembered for the biggest marriage in our history. After completing their countrywide pilgrimage, Abhishek Bacchan and AIshwarya Rai got married. Since none of the channels could pay for the broadcasting rights, Big B did not let them in. After their extensive research and spying Aaj Tak came up with the sequence of events that would have happened inside JalsaBaarat To enter, Varmala, Fere, guests partying and dancing, Vidayee. India TV, Star News and IBN7 did their research and coincidently all of them came up with the same sequence of events. Aaj Tak sued IBN7 under copyright infringement act for stealing their ideas and the case is still pending in Supreme Court.

Few weeks later some of the party photographs were leaked out and Aaj Tak was awarded for its creative thinking. Its CEO made a special mention of Mrs Shinde (who stays in the building behind Jalsaa) in his thanksgiving speech for allowing the Aaj Tak reporter to install a camera and binoculars in her washroom. Jaguar sponsored the toilet fittings and was awarded as the best sponsor.

Ravi Kumar went on a forced hunger strike because sponsors broke their contract with Yuvraj Singh after WC debacle who broke up with Kim Sharma.


Finally UP saw a reversal in trend of losers ruling and winners opposing. After ages, it was Mayavati’s BSP to get a clear majority in the state. In a master stroke of marketing and taking a clue from Aaj Tak ideas getting stolen in Bacchan’s marriage, Star News released its exit poll results 4 days after Mayavati resumed office. Exit poll results were cent percent accurate and Star News was awarded as the best news channel in Star Parivar Awards for its scintillating journalism. Mahesh Bhatt declared to make a movie on Mayavati’s life. Guddi Maruti was asked to get 5 shades darker, get a hair cut and loose few grams to play Mayavati. Imram Hashmi was again chucked out because he refused to kiss Guddi Maruti. Aaj Tak made a 3 hour long documentary on why film stars refuse to kiss on screen and this was later sent in Cannes film festival under XXX category.


Gujjar agitation in Rajasthan continued. Considering it a domestic issue, Aaj Tak decided to cover an international issue where a foreigner had declined BCCIs offer to coach team India which is termed as an orphan. IBN7 decided to go the democratic way to select the coach and launched a nation wide SMS campaign. Mohinder Amarnath defeated Dev Whatmore by over ninety thousands votes. As a vote of thanks, Mohinder Amarnath launched a CD of songs sung by him to thank his voters. Himesh Reshamiya made a special appearance for a song. The money collected by the sales of this CD was donated to IINI (International Institute of Nasal Imperfections).

Pratibha Patil emerged as a front runner for presidential candidate. In an extraordinary example of hunting journalism, Star News interviewed Patil’s maid’s mom-in-law and broadcasted it to the entire nation.

A dera chief in Punjab hurt religious sentiments. Headlines today did the live broadcast of him hurting the religious sentiments and launched a nation wide SMS campaign to show your protest against the act. Aaj Tak, Start News, IBN7 and CNN-IBN were the first channels to report this act. A SMS poll was done and IndiaTV was declared the first among the firsts.


Finally the water was drained out of flooded Mumbai. IBN7 declared its recording of Mumbai flood as deferred assets to be used for next three years rainy seasons. Aaj Tak, who has already been doing it for last two years, sued them under copyright infringement act for stealing their trade secret. SC handed over the matter to CBI.

Taj Mahal featured in the list of seven wonders of modern world. Bipasha Bashu declared the results in some high profile function where she was photographed with Hollywood stalwarts. MP Raj Babbar declared it a victory of love, peace and harmony and Bipasha’s photograph as a monument of India’s ever increasing presence on the global map. A writ was filed in Indore against Bipasha for displaying vulgarity in public.

Sanjay Dutt was sentenced to 6 years rigorous imprisonment on 31st July 2007 by judge P.d.Kode. Aaj Tak termed it as an attack on innocence of MunnaBhai who had reformed entire nation by Gandhigiri. IndiaTV, who could not cover Mahatma Gandhi’s Dandi March earlier in the century, compensated by covering Dutt’s Mumbai to Pune trip later in the year. Star News launched a nationwide SMS campaign to support Sanju Baba – “If you think punishing Sanjay Dutt would be eradicating the Gandhigiri effect he has generated among common public in the country, SMS Y to 420.”

All the channels collectively made a plea to the president and asked not only to change the judgment but also to nominate Dutt for Bharat Ratna.

Mahesh Bhatt declared to make a film on Sanjay Dutt with Himesh Reshamiya to play the lead. Imran Hashmi was not even discussed.


NCBC recommended including Jat’s in Rajasthan under the umbrella of OBCs. Mayavati supported the recommendations and as a thanks giving gesture on behalf of the reserved categories, Aaj Tak broadcasted interview of Mayavatis neighbor's nephew in her village.

The proceedings against an Indian doctor for alleged links with the U.K. terror plots sparked a public debate in Australia. IBN7 interviewed brother in law of the neighbor of that doctor. 39% in the SMS polls conducted by Star News feel that the doctor is innocent and where as 48% are in the Can’s Say category including the channel.

Delhi police continued the tradition of foiling /terrorist attacks before every 26th January and 15th august by killing four terrorists in Delhi.


Light weight Team India flew to SA for 20-20 WC. In its analysis on Aaj Tak, Saba Karim declared that Australia would win whereas on IBN7, Vijay Dahiya predicted an Australian victory. On contrary, Sushil Khanna declared an Australian victory on NDTV. Among all cricket experts on different channels, Siddhu was the highest paid expert with double tariffs – one to speak and double of it to shut up. Mandira Bedi could not be hired by any of the channels because she was busy hosting and judging a talent hunt show aimed to search fast bowlers.

Rahul Dravid stepped down from captaincy. A senior player on the condition of being anonymous revealed to Aaj Tak that he was not happy with his job. Another senior player anonymously revealed to IBN7 that dissatisfaction with BCCI forced Rahul to quit. Star News revealed breaking news that Rahul quit because his batting was getting affected with their source being senior player requesting anonymity.

India won 20-20 WC. Aaj Tak paid tribute by asking Mohinder Amarnath to sing a song for the team. IndiaTV could not broadcast that day because Siddhu had hit their cameraman when he asked him to be quiet for a second to let the main anchor speak.

IBN7 revealed that Chak De India was the real motivating factor behind India’s victory, source – an anonymous senior player.


Political turmoil hit Pakistan and Musharraf kept sailing his boat in the storm. In a special interview with Aaj Tak, he revealed his love for peace, humanity and people of Kashmir. The interview is broadcasted on Star News, NDTV and CNN-IBN. IndiaTV decided to abstain from this because it changed its target customer segment. The channel is in direct competition with NatGeo as it targets animal acts for broadcasting. Snakes (especially Ikshadhari Naag) are their favorites along with re incarnation.

Aaj Tak celebrated anniversary of Operation Prince, an operation to save a child who had fallen in a well last year.

Indo-US nuclear deal created political turbulence and Manmohan Singh lost few more hair. He was thankful to Sonia Gandhi for reducing his workload as she has improved her hindi so Manmohan Singh had to translate fewer words for her.


In keeping with its tradition of using affirmative action as an instrument of maintaining the socio-economic equilibrium, the Tamil Nadu government enacted a law granting separate reservation for Muslims and Christians belonging to the Backward Classes in education and employment. The state is 92.35% reserved now. Mutthuswami Venkat Sai SCSTOBC Iyer filed a petition in Supreme Court for Iyer Brahmins to be given a place in reserved category as they are a minority. CNN-IBN broadcasted a live debate on reservation where 4 MPs were the debaters. 4 people, including 2 cameramen, one anchor and one makeup man were severely injured in the debate. Jhonson & Jhonson sponsored the debate.

All the parties released their list of candidates for the next month elections in Gujrat whereas all the channels conducted exit polls and kept them secret as a business move.

BCCI objected SRK on promoting his movies during cricket matches as they feared the promotion of his already released movies would turn away the public.

Aaj Tak made a three hour long film showing the love triangle among Indian Captain, Vice-Captain and Deepika Padukone. Himesh Reshamiya objected for his songs being used in the background.

Mahesh Bhatt declared to make a movie on this love triangle. Himesha Reshamia agreed to play the lead along with being the composer and singer. Imran Hashmi was dropped because Deepika Padukone refused to kiss him.


Malaysian Indians finally placed the issue of their “marginalization” on the country’s mainstream political agenda and in the wider focus of the international community.

In all its movies, US of A acts as the saviour of the planet. For a change, this time it decided to go against the trend and did not join hands in Bali Summit for saving the environment. Like ideal followers, rest followed US and did their duty. With going at this rate, God will have to come to save the earth.

Aaj Tak decided to discard these issues containing hatred & fear and focused on the love saga that started last month. The triangle became quadrangle with a Pakistani speedster joining in. Mahesh Bhatt declared to sign him for his next movie. Since Imran Hashmi agreed to kiss Mahesh Bhatt, he was also signed.

Modi came back to power in Gujrat. IBN7 released its own as well others exit poll results after the elections with IBN7’s results being precisely accurate and rest far from it. IndiaTV sued IBN7 for stealing their data and showing it incorrectly. The matter is about to go to Supreme Court.

In 2007 every channel has gained some expertise and created a niche for it– if Aaj Tak is a celebrity special then IndiaTV is snake and rest of the animal special. If IBN7 lets you know the infidelity murders in you village, Star News brings out the different talents across the country. If CNN-IBN informs you about who was robbed on last Tuesday near Hanuman Temple in Fatehpur, Headlines Today tells you the color of commode in Rakhi Sawant’s toilet. I will remember this year for the strengthening media.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

S(h)[t]ock Market

God is not unfair. He blesses everyone with something if not everything. Debt and poverty have been my blessings. Booming economy and self proclaim stock market experts suggested me to buy some instant wealth creators. After waiting for a month or so, my tiny portfolio resulted in 2-3% of profits and I deeply regretted of my life not being a tale of financial extrapolations. That would have made me the king. To add to that, I regretted of life being a sorry affair of missed opportunities. It all encouraged me to invest more. The time I did so, the rocket seems to have got leakage in its fuel tank. Now life has become a saga of banking on mistaken opportunities.

The best part is, it’s a real funny game where everyone seems to earn by making it look serious. Some of the traits I have learnt

  • If you buy just before the market booms - You anticipated it, did the technical analysis, looked at the FIIs flowing in and sensed the mood of FED, GOI, Bush, Osama etc.
  • If you buy and market crashes – Common man, you are a long term investor and know a few golden and “only” rules like you earn more by holding rather than selling or in long run, every economy attains it maximum potential.
  • If you sell just before the market booms – The market is a bit too volatile to risk your hard earned money.
  • If you sell just before the market crashes - You anticipated it, did the technical analysis, looked at the FIIs flowing in and sensed the mood of FED, GOI, Bush, Osama etc.
  • Everyone is an expert and dying to give some gyaan even on the slight hint of being asked. If hits, “I told you” and if it hits back, “Everyone goes wrong, mate”

All in all, it’s more like a reverse sweep for me. All look good only when it comes off. For all those self proclaimed experts, one of my friends put it precisely – “Kitchen tabhi tak accha lagta hai jab tak cooker na fate. Jis din cooker fat gaya, jindagi bhar pateele mein chhawal ubaal ke khaoge”.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Kanpur Diary!!!

It’s always difficult to resume office after an enjoyable but tiring break of spanning almost half a week. That is what I am discovering today, though not for the first time.

I had gone to my hometown Kanpur after a period of couple of years for a friends wedding.

It’s easier and faster to go to Kanpur from Mumbai via train rather than the flight. Cheaper, adds another feather in the cap and was my reason to opt for train travel. I generally reach station a little earlier just to make sure I do not miss the train or face last minute troubles. Indian Railways has always obliged me by delaying the trains further to convert the possible last minute troubles into a painful wait.

I was amazed to see that no one was jumping into the train when it arrived just to realize that it wasn’t a Mumbai Local. There are a few bad habits you pick up in Mumbai. An instinctive habit of jumping into and out off any moving object is one of them.

Train journeys give you a different experience all together. You have loads of time in your hands and got to think of different means to kill it. Some prefer reading, some getting indulged in political chats with strangers and some look for flirtatious options if they are lucky with their neighborhood. Since the almighty has always blessed me with the neighbors trying to convert their well setup innings into a bigger score, I always prefer sleeping till my back starts crying of pain.

Finally, I reached Kanpur on a cold morning. Kanpur, is a city where I was born and brought up. I, along with my other Kanpuriya friends, have always successfully defended the attacks in form of mockery, satire and harshness of those who have been deprived of spending their childhood or adolescence in this city. More they tried, more aggressively we defended. Are aggression motivated them further and the vicisous cycle continued and will always do.

If you are a lover of north indian food especially sweets, you wont get it better and cheaper anywhere but for Benaras neither you would get better and cheaper leather goods. The roads (if you find some), the smell of unforgettable big Naala which spans across the city, the Pan Masaala pouches and spits visible anywhere and everwhere is something only this city boasts of possessing. If you have complaints about you, your friend, room mate, son, daughter, brother, sister, girl friend, wife, mistress, mistress’ sister etc of bad habits to not care for power saving, send him/her/whatever to Kanpur. If you complain about weekly, hourly, two hourly, three hourly, power sheddings, come to Kanpur. you will realize the power of power because we hardly get it. I remember, in every summer (mind you, summer in north India is really hot!!!) there used to be at least a period of 15 days when there was no power. Once, during the humid July and August ( its much worse than what these Mumbaikars face) we had official laod shedding of 9 hours a day. It was in the morning from 5 to 10 and in the evening 2 to 6. If there is a fault in the lines, it would be rectified between the 10 to 2 period because electricity department doesn’t or hardly does work after the sun has set. When they repair, they have to cut the power for safety purposes. So you sincerely pray to God thet there is no fault. But its fun. It improves your survival skills. When these Mumbaikars claim of power shut down, I really laugh at them. They just don’t have survival skills and are slave to human inventions.

Coming back to marriage, it was fun. Generally you enjoy all north indian marriages primarily because of their scale of organization and treatment of guests unless its you who is getting married. This is completely my theory proved wrong in my own marriage. Not that others didn’t enjoy, I enjoyed the most.

I thoroughly enjoyed the food, the dance, rendezvous with friends and my capability to get lost from the Baarat not once but twice. First time I was busy chatting with an old college friend and next time seeing Yousuf and Younis drawing the second test match. Lucklily my damage control was good as always.

I also visited my house which we sold off this year (in picture) and got a regretful feeling – I wish we had built such a house in Mumbai or even in cities like Pune or Bangalore. If we had, I could afford to be a full time writer and wasn’t fudging and trying to fool everyone in office by making myself looking busy. But, as Navjot Singh Siddhu says,

Ifs and buts were pots and pans, there would be no tinkers.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Diversified Unity

We have unity in diversity. This is one statement I have heard right from the day I realized I could hear. Being over 7 Olympics old and having stayed in 7-8 states, I often tend to get confused if its unity in diversity or a diversified unity i.e. several united groups. Apart from regular divisions of religion and caste, these groups could be traced back to their peculiar and specific traits as well. I have experienced a few since my child hood which was not very long ago if still not continuing.

Bongs: They are one of the most well read creature of all. But excess of everything is bad and you realize it sooner or later with them. A typical bong male would have been a cannibal if the world was all water, follows football (or soccer or whatever you call it) as if it is his bread earning, would support Dada to be in the team till he is 45, will talk so much that you would put your hearing capacity to test and be the first to form a union and support a strike. In politics, they are an expert in making failed alliances. A typical bong female, I love them all.

Mumbaikar: A typical mumbaikar is extremely proud of Mumbai, would support Tendulkar to be in the side till he is 46, would go to any extent to prove that Ajit Agarkar is the best fast bowler India has and will ever produce, would be running even if he is in his sleep as if he has to catch a Virar Local and come up with a typical crib when confronted with the issue of pathetic state of the city – “You people come from outside and spoil the city”.

Southy: A survey has suggested that an average South Indian spends around 32.18% of his life time in pronouncing his name, his name contains 96.45% of the alphabets and 86.3% of the times it contains all the alphabets. For them 35% of a typical meal is water, 45% is rice and rest is rice. From fingers to elbow, 78% of right hand and 67% of left is involved while eating. Average BMI index for them is 32; he generally doesn’t get bald and even if he does, no. of hair per sq. inch of body remains almost same by compensating at other places.

Bihari: This is the most determined breed I have ever seen. They are generally very cool and calm but when they loose temper, they make sure the other party gains the composure ASAP. The biggest weapon for them in any altercation is the letting the other person know that they are from Bihar. Generally altercation stops there. Politics - every Bihari is a born politician.

Punjabi: They possess the best business acumen; love the language full of motherhood and sisterhood and, if from Delhi, their opening sentence would be “I am from Delhi.”

Bhaiyye: The “good for nothing” breed. Yet they feel as if they were born to rule this planet. Being from UP, they follow the golden rule – it’s not the winner who always rules, sometimes it’s a loser’s job. Hence they always emulate mediocrity and try their best to hide in heap and hurt in mob.

Marwari: The most money minded species as stated in the example below -

Me: Do you know, there was a live bomb caught in our company today?
Marwari: Shit!!! Our stocks will go down tomorrow.

The above description is entirely based on my experiences and is not intended to hurt any group, cast, religion, region etc. etc. You may agree with it, or may not. In any case, suit yourself.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Regret!!!

“Regret is an intelligent (and/or emotional) dislike for personal past acts and behaviors. Regret is often felt when someone feels sadness, shame, or guilt after committing an action or actions that the person later wishes that he or she had not done.”

That is what wikipedia has to say about the word regret. It’s a well known and recognized site hence the definition has to be true. Although, like all other claimants of optimism, I claim to have none but nothing is perfect so is my optimism. I have had a few

I have never got a promotion from any of my employers.

- May be because I have never given them a chance. My 3 stints have been 20 months, 9 months and 19 months long. I had put my papers even before they could realize my worth. Not sure if their realization was at snail’s place or my worth was shining at a lower light. I hope for my current employer to read this post.

I have never been able to negotiate on my salary front with HR.

- Somehow HR guys always convince me that they are offering me an amount which is more than my worth and I would be overpaid. What they have never known is that I know the art of being under worked also.

Even though I claim to be an ardent cricket fan, I have never seen a cricket match in a cricket stadium.

- Only time I was/have bought a ticket was when I was 9 years old. After reaching the stadium with my dad and his friends, we realized that the ticket we bought was a fake one and valid ticket holders had already filled the stadium over and above its capacity. My curses worked and India was bundled for 96 while chasing a target of 196 against spineless SL. Only consolation was, news papers reporting our tickets as the valid tickets on the very next day.

I have never climbed the stairs of a stage to take any kind of an award.

- I have been a pathetic scholar. In fact some of my engineering batch mates would strongly object for using the word “Scholar” in the previous sentence. For them, pathetic is enough. Only time I was called upon to a stage with some respect was during my convocation when we were awarded the proof of successful completion of our studies – the degrees.

I have always been the first one to leave a party after the drinks started.

- I have a terrible capacity to drink and been always the first one to get drunk. But then, its cheap when you are not sharing the entire bill equally else you help others being a little over budget and not get under drunk.

And there have been a few more which either I am not able to recall or not courageous to post here.

Monday, November 19, 2007


It was a decision pending for long. And action on it was pending for even longer. But finally I did it today. I bought my first stock.

I have had a few dreams in my life which have always been mesmerizing, abstruse and unattainable for me – English, women and stocks. English is still a distant dream, women – I am married now but stocks, I bought my first one today. The long pending order has been executed but where has the market gone? By the time I decided to open a DEMAT account it was threatening to cross 14k. The time I got my form it was 16k. It had crossed 18k before I could fill it up and before I could receive the necessary documents from my bank it was 19k. Not to mention, 19k was not a movement forward from 18k but backward from 20k. It used to take years to move 800 points earlier, now it happens in a single day.

Only time I had read a market related news seriously was when ET printed its headlines as “Sachin 9k, Sensex 6k” in 2003-04. Obviously my interest was more in the bigger number then.

Since I had never followed it, I either had to follow my guts or someone else’s. As always, I preferred the latter. I pinged one of my friends who has taken the full advantage of Sensex’s skyscraping in the last few months. He asked me to have a look at some stocks on one of the websites. And like a typical middle class mentality of seeing the rates on the menu card instead of the dishes or seeing the price tag on clothing items in a showroom instead of cloth itself, cheaper the stock better it was looking to me. God knows when that day would come in my life when I will buy my drinks without looking at its cost or buy a shirt without asking for its price.

Finally we decided on a stock. I executed the buy order for it only to realize that it had missed a small “Comm.” In the companies name and bought a wrong stock. Bloody hell, why do they cannot find names which sound as different as I and you do. The stock is already dealing at its highest price. The loss is almost certain. It was as if I am no balled right on the first ball in my debut, the umpire has signaled for the free hit and now I am thinking of how to minimize the loss. May be there is a run out on free hit but there hasn’t been any till now. GOSH!!! I almost always rely on others guts; I should use their hands too.

It’s a strange game. As a retail and tiny investor, you do all the analysis and networking to justify your calls. Deep down inside you know that it’s all about hoping for things to fall in place and assume that place to be yours. Its like being the 12th man, you know you are not playing but expect to make some contribution as a substitute and hope for some glory to come your way. But that is just my feelings. People feel differently and that difference makes stock market run.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


There are few sites I religiously browse whenever I log into my system at work; Gmail, Orkut and Cricinfo for my own interests and MoneyControl, Company Websites to derive some interest in work.

And I was thrilled to see the Cricinfo headline today ( which shows Greg Chappell complaining of racial abuse in India. I loved this piece of news.

First of all, the disclaimer - I am not a racist to the core though some amount of it I enjoy as almost everyone does; they may not accept it though. It’s just the sadist human nature, nothing else.

I just don’t want to argue on the authenticity of the news though with a little bit of alacrity about the circumstances and information about the incident would do a litmus test and you would know the truth of fire in the smoke.

For ages our complaint about racism by the white cricket nations and it has gone unheard. When we complained, we were not competitive enough or mentally disintegrated. Be it Sudhir Nayak’s debacle or Michael Slater pointing finger towards the umpire Venkatraghwan & batsman Rahul Dravid or a match referee banning the entire cricket team. Be it Sunil Gavaskar’s Lords fiasco in 1990 or Australians refusing to play in SL in 1996 WC. When we complained, it was their superiority and our inferiority but not racism.

But now, Chapell complains of racism. So does Andrew Symonds. And I hope there are more to follow. Are the tables hinting a turn?

Its simple, cricket may be alive because it’s popular in few countries but its kicking just because of its popularity that too mainly in India. So the turn must happen. I simply loved it when India showed its middle finger to the Mike Dennis’s decision in SA and played their full team in the next match. It doesn’t matter if the match was discounted later. But at least BCCI showed the intent. They should do exactly the same now. Its BCCI who should call the shots these days, not them. To add, I would love to have more allegations of racism like this.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Happy Children's Day!!!

The piece of text scribbled below is an innocent attempt to satire our political system and not to defame any one. In case it hurts, suit yourself. In case the hurt is painful enough to drive you towards me, I apologize.

On the eve of children’s day let me wish you all a very happy children’s day. Not to miss the cliché, it falls exactly nine months after the Valentine’s Day.

Another man shares his birthday with this day and he was a children’s man in true sense. If no one, at least he made sure that his & only his own children and their children would be the biggest beneficiaries of India’s hard earned independence. After all how many Boses, Patels, Shastris in current political scenarios could be traced back to the greats of pre-47 era?

It was not a selfish act by any means. If all fathers ensure their children’s future the way he did, our country would be full of worthy (???) leaders. He did what an almost perfect leader should do, show the way to his followers. He also did what a perfect father should do; infuse the belief in those followers that it’s only his predecessor who can walk on the path shown. Result, he and his predecessors have ruled us for the majority of the post independence era and are still ruling us, directly or indirectly. To add to that, we are waiting for a 40 year old “youth” to turn old enough to rule us.

India might have named a different name to be its father, but the real father celebrates its birthday tomorrow. A father’s first duty is towards his own children and his performance on this front was immaculate. May be that’s why we celebrate children’s day tomorrow. I am not sure if it’s a tribute to his dutifulness or an obituary to our foolishness.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


Stupidity and intellectual stimulation are two sides of the same coin. It all depends on what side of the coin you are facing. I though of a question ,which according to me was stupid but it brought out the intellect from some and unprintable from rest.

What would you do if you come to know that everything around you is unreal and you are living in a masquerade?

  • I would be happy because if what I am living in is a real world, I am not happy with it.

  • I’ll be perplexed and there be will a certain degree of fear in me but I’ll get used to it after a span of time and then the fake world will look real to me

  • :(

  • I told u so the whole universe was designed to play a role against me

  • I don’t think I will do anything different.

  • I know that already. koi nayee bat nahin duniya utpataanga

  • I will go see how good the masquerades are.

  • Have an apple. It will keep the doctor away.

  • aisa kya hua?

  • I will run away.

  • Kat Sale.

The last answer would have been mine with a little censorship. For my own safety, I have removed the names responsible for the responses.

Friday, November 02, 2007


“Every third person in the world lacks a toilet” is what the DNA, one of the self proclaimed leading news paper says. (Please refer to”.

This is a shocking statistics and reveals the scarcity of one of the most neglected basic necessities for the mankind. If you are reading this from the comfort of your cubicle or living room, run and secure a more demanded seat and be that second person rather than being the third one. The first, your truly, has already occupied the seat, making the literal use of his laptop and writing this shit and about it.

I have always wondered how the necessity for the call centers to reply nature’s call has always been so neglected. But we human are ungrateful enough to neglect nature as a whole, why to care for its calls?

WHO is an organization which is supposed to take care about our health. It spends billions on it or claims to be. UNO spends billions for the intake of deprived races. But what about the waste output? I have never heard of any concerns for this?

I studies about some of the basic rights of humans on net. But nowhere, I repeat, no where I could find the mention of a 6 letter word, toilet. This negligence causes one of the biggest threats to societal health and peach – constipation. Think about one of those many mornings when you were deprived off a nice, gentle and a successful release. I am sure on that day; pollution index would have been a few notch higher courtesy to sound and air pollution. It has a cascading effect. You feel deprived and people around you face the wrath.

Shitting, is just not a routine job, it’s an art, a piece of engineering which might push you to think, test your tolerance and body control at time, makes you feel the importance of “giving” and let you hurt the people you don’t like without being charged. It gives you an unseen weapon to get a seat in a crowded compartment or finish off a boring meeting within minutes of its use.

It teaches you a lot of lessons. In our office, the flush attached to the seat doesn’t work properly. If the discharge is solid, because of its volume and buoyancy force, it refuses to sink in and pops up no matter how hard you try. What do you do? Do what Queen did for ages. Divide and rule. Break it into several small parts and then try. It disappears. I checked with most of my office colleagues and all of them apply the same methodology. Not only that, one of my friends in some other organization was facing the same problem and sorted out this very way. Doesn’t it show that all humans think equally? Just that some are more equal among them.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Hard Measures

Finally the most awaited meeting of BCCI in the history of Indian cricket got over. The ever yawning “Sabse Tej Channels” in Indian media got something to talk about with the stalwarts of Indian cricket like Surinder Khanna and Amay Khurasia.

No player can endorse more than 3 brands/ products and no sponsors can take more than 2 players in their contract. The players can improve their mathematics to solve this permutation computation problem which might be helpful in their life after retirement as a scorer. This will not only provide them a post retirement job but also solve the problem of scorers being an extinct species. The significance of numbers has been kept secret. A quiz show will be organized and will be telecast by Zee Sports to solve this problem. The winner will get a chance to play 3 ODIs and a test match.

Venketesh Prasad has been appointed as a bowling coach. He was one of the fastest and greatest fast bowlers India has ever produced. His guile was so very commendable that once even Anil Kumble was advised to take a leaf out of Prasad’s book and bowl slower.

The old power house exported from Caribbean, Robin Singh has been appointed as a fielding coach. He holds the world record of vomiting most number of times on a cricket ground. Prasad and Robin Singh worked really well in a team in their playing days. Robin Singh used to vomit on the danger zone on a pitch so that Prasad could utilize the wet pitch for his express fast bowling.

Ravi Shastri has been appointed as the coach or the manager of the team. He is a great strategist. He was often criticized for his soporific batting in all forms of the game. Hence, he invented the term “seat anchor”. He is such a solid batsman that even if he goes half way down the track, he is still able to drop dead the ball then and there. Bowlers’ fraternity has always loved him. Only once in his life he batted ruthlessly (hitting 6 sixes in over) and spent rest of his life apologetically making it up for that ruthlessness.

His real role will be one of these two or may be three (Coach/ Manager / Both) and decided based on an opinion poll to be hosted by Zee TV. Wasim Akram seems to be the biggest beneficiary of this move because now he is the only batsman left to play the role of night watchman on Shaz & Waz show.

With increasing numbers of cricket commitments, board wants to prepare a pool of 25 - 30 players and give a chance to everyone. We hardly manage to hang on to 15 decent players to play international cricket. Where will we get the rest of the players? BCCI might organize a talent hunt, again hosted by Zee TV. Ravi Shastri will be given the responsibility to get Mandira Bedi (as the Show Host) from SET MAX to Zee TV. After all, we have to bring the cup home because it has always been with us.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Chappel's Team India

No word would have been discussed in Indian cricket in recent past then “Chappel”. Especially, after shocking crash of his much talked about “Vision 2007”. “How Chappel screwed up team India so badly that we even lost to Bangladesh” has been the gist of the talk. As if Chappel sent the players to the ground with a bat thinner than the wickets and balls of their own. Let’s look at how some of the main players faired under him.

Sachin Tendulkar: He averages 47.53 outside India (16 matches) and 34.52 in India (20 matches). Clearly his performance outside the country of bowlers’ graveyard has been above his normal average which is anyhow commendable. This includes just a couple of scores above 50. Even if we discount them, average will still be above 40. May be Ian Chappel was trying to divert the media pressure from his younger brother (may be elder) while suggesting him to retire.

Yuvraj Singh: He has been the best batsman in the given time frame with the averages of 52 plus out of India (in 26 matches) and 50 in India (in 23 matches).

Virender Sehwag: Sehwag averages 29.69 out of India (in 34 matches) and 28.66 out of India (in 23 matches). It’s more or less evident that it doesn’t matter to India’s explosive opener if he is playing at home or not. He has failed to explode in any case. Though, he has been a useful offie with 21 wickets. He is more of a threat to bhajji than anyone else.

Rahul Dravid: As expected, the wall averages 56.66 in 26 matches in India. But surprise lies abroad. He averages 30.34 in 35 games outside India. The wall seems to be falling a bit when it travels abroad.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: This hard hitting batsman seems to be hitting harder at home than abroad. He averages 62.5 in 26 matches in India and 36.17 in 34 matches abroad. His score include lot of not outs but for a wicket keeper, it’s acceptable by any means.

Suresh Raina: He averages 34.9 in 16 matches at home but a pathetic 20.23 in 20 matches away.

Though, he generally comes late down the order when he has to throw his bat around. He was said to be the future of Indian middle order. But is the future is averaging in 20s when it comes to playing away, it doesn’t seem to be very bright.

Md. Kaif: He is termed as a disappointment. And if we look at his record at home, 18.66 in 12 matches in India, it seems to be correct. But his record has surprisingly been much better than most of the batsmen. He averages 40.27 in 26 matches while playing away. Still a disappointment?

Irfan Pathan: He was said to be future Kapil Dev of India. But the way his career has gone in the recent past, he might well share the same present with Kapil Dev i.e. an expert guest on one of the Aaj Tak’s and IBN7s. He averages 23.93 in 25 matches and has taken 36 wickets at 27.33 away from home. At home, his average is 32.07 in 20 matches and has taken 32 wickets at 23.62 on placid tracks. What has he done wrong to be a surety to be in 15 and a surety of being not to be in 11 so consistently?

Saurav Ganguly: The most talked about name after Chappel. He averages 31.8 in 11 matches while playing away. He was one of the top scorers in the WC 2007. But if we remove his scores of 66 and 89 against minnows, his average falls down to very early 20s. He has recently made a comeback and played mostly in India. He averages 69+ in 7 matches. But all of them have been on placid tracks against Windies and a Vass & Murali less Srilanka. That is impressive but has he still got enough to fire against big names of fast bowling on not so placid tracks.

Ajit Agarkar: The best “potential all-rounder” in the world possesses batting records which even Murali would not find difficult to break. He averages 5.93 in 28 matches while playing away but has taken 42 wickets at 25.21 a piece. At home, he 11.42 in 20 matches and has taken 28 wickets at 29.85.

Harbhajan Singh: Bhajji has taken 9 wickets in 14 matches at 59.33 while playing away and 32 wickets in 25 matches at 27.50. Even Sehwag has a better bowling average while playing away. If this is how our ace spinner is going to bowl on non-indian pitches, we better play Sehwag as a bowling all-rounder.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Few things in life that are not meant to be!!!

Being the happier than the person you hate most - Even though you could be the king of the planet earth and he could be in deep shit, it does not matter. More the hatred, more the unhappiness.
It's not possible to kill the hatred, so better kill him(her).

Being satisfied with your job
- There is always something egging you to move on to somewhere else be it your boss, promotion, salary hike or the girl sitting next to you not giving a shit to all your efforts. After all, grass is always greener on the other side.
You cannot do anything about the rest. But you can surely change your seat if it's the girl's case.

Our media and we correctly assessing our cricket team
- If they win, they are world’s best. If they loose, they should be hanged till death. Actually they are somewhere in between.
Don't you think its high time you should stop following cricket. Watch NBA, India never looses in it.

Going back to memory lanes where you have been ditched
- No matter how bad you were hurt, you always tend to take a quick sneak peek and come back.
Try reducing on your divine drinks.

Scratching your balls
- No matter where you are, mannn….if the itching starts one just cannot stop.
Use Itch Guard and take bath daily.

Mamta Banerjee going on a hunger strike and loosing weight - No matter for how many days she has been on hunger strike, she always looks at her healthiest best
And dietecians suggest to reduce intake if one wants to be slim trim.

There are few more, which I will update later or may be a last one

You (at least I) being not able to think
When want to think.
Some more beer please.