Thursday, February 28, 2008


Statutory warning: If you belong to the 'psued' strata of society who is ostensibly sophisticated, boringly intellectual and a sacred adult please do not read this post. But if you are brutally honest and have enjoyed your bachelorhood to the core in hostel days watching the channels speaking in South Indian languages or dubbed Hindi at wee hours, you might appreciate the obscure expressions of this post.

Two lumps of flesh weighing more than a quintal trying to crush each other in not so inhumanly manner, their hands roaming around each other's hands and mouths around the Mehrauli Pillar like necks. No, I am not talking about two monsters wrestling to suffocate each other. It's not a Dracula trying to suck blood from your neck although I have always been confused if it's the process of feeding the devil or advertising a brand of toothpaste.

I am talking about the famous, the seducing, the heavy weight and the sex goddess of Mallu cinema – Shakeela. And this post is a tribute to her.

Our society where average age of marriage has consistently been increasing in the strata blessed with the tools of modernization more than the others, the brighter side of studious bachelors (I just know about males hence its their perspective) still remain quite distant from the other side of sexual divide. Hence they seek the sensuous pleasures through the senses of E&T. There have been various stalwarts on the supply side of profoundly illegal market in India. Be it the Baba Mastram of early 90s or D Debonair. With the advent of internet, Desi babas, mamas, papas took the centre-stage. Technological advancement making the deeper inroads gave them stiff competition. The famous DPS RKPuram was one of those trendsetters of the conglomeration in this industry with a Nokia cell phone capturing the most downloaded MMS in the history of indian telecom, Windows media player converting it on a website run on multiple browsers. It also showed the effectiveness of indian education system of how its not just one way traffic of schools to IITs, IITs do look back also.

But among all this turbulence in market dynamics, one name has always stood tall, Shakeela. When the gigantic moral police from Ambala was coming down hard on the curiosity of Indian youth in the name of Sushma Swaraj, it was this very name which provided them with some sexual relief or the inspiration to get that.

But, it's the upbringing that was strong. Mallus, have always been known to love divine liquids, rich food and its results. This is pretty much evident in the heroes they worship, the Mallu movie stars. So even after getting the most talked about six packs in the history of mankind, SRK would find it close to impossible to find his “cut out” in Mumbai. But I saw 4 “cut outs” of Mohanlaal during my 4 months stay in Trivandrum where it’s “a dozen of watermelons stuffed into one” tummy and “denser than Sahara” moustache. Mallus love it big & heavy.

That is what has been the USP of Shakeela. With cities getting more & more cosmopolitan, bachelors sharing flats with TV as sole mode of entertainment, a desperate dream of loosing their most preserved asset which is more the question of opportunity than morality, plus the language problems in the lower part of the country, its the different Maa, Surya, Vijaya, Teja channels come to their rescue with their share & version of late night movies. And invariably the most rewarding movie is a Shakeela movie. If two humans (male-female or female-female) trying to make love or at least pretend to do so with the male in a Eastman colour lungi and pale white west hiding a chest which would make a bear look like as if it has shaved off, female with skin tight undergarments with lower body covered till knee, they trying their best to express the orgasmic pleasure by just smelling each other around the neck and each one weighing more than a quintal for sure, its a sight you must see at least once. Love making is all about kissing knees for them and even Vatsayan could not recognize it. Not to forget the most atrocious classical music in the background which is same across the board because the directors are intelligent enough to not let the wheel re invented. People would watch a 2 hour long movie in an alien language (mostly) anticipating the thrill. As the movie ends, invariable there are shouts – “Shit yaar. Kuch nahi dikhaaya aaj. Shakeela ki nahi thi na”. The entire process would be repeated next night. But somehow Shakeela’s movies (mostly on Saturdays as special dishes) have always been more rewarding with her thundering thighs which even Ronaldo is envies. The biceps are better than the entire anti dog squad of bollywood, the deols. When Jemma Jamson says pornography is not just about nudity, it’s also about acting, you know she is begging for someone from Hollywood to give her ears. Never ever we heard anything from the desi version of Jemma Jamson, Nadia Nyce or Carmen Electra put together in one – weight wise. A porn star is a porn star, she caters to a different audience all together and that is how the professionalism of the trait should be. And she could act. She could act the most stupendous emotions in the process of the most repeated activity of mankind in the most consistently similar ways and steps. Yet we waited for the Saturdays.

Though initially compared with the 80s sex siren of the South, Silk Smitha, Shakeela's rather bodacious contours managed to carve a unique niche for her in the industry which has customers of most diversified age groups. Having watched her once on the 70mm, we saw the kids of 14 to grandpa’s of 75 standing in the longest of queues under the scorching sun of Trivandrum to get the movie ticket. She has developed a major cult fan base of her own. With the movie budgets of just a few hundred thousands, she has ravaged the star system in the South Indian film industry. Her movies were one of the best in terms of ROI. With the current spate of bollywood actresses trying to get into the news more because of their acts on stolen MMS’ rather than boldness on screen, Shakeela stands out with her courage.

This post is a tribute to the sexy siren. If it was Veerappan who gave heart attacks to the population of three states with his monstrous brutality, it’s Shakeela who is alleged to have given most number of heart breaks to the mortals of same states with her beastly beauty.

With Aaj Tak to have taken the responsibility of getting the biggest Indian to have ever born, Khali the Bali, get married, aren’t they missing something?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Band baja

Hindu weddings (more so north indian weddings) have a lot of peculiar traits. They are so illustrious and tiring for the couple to be wed; it puts their patience, tensile strengths and all kinds of fitness to such a test that they realize its going to be something really big. Apart from typical rituals, it’s the band-baja which is yet another attraction. Led by painfully cacophonous male singers and a team of trumpet & drum players, it provides a walking dance ramp for the baratis with a DJ. The visit from the barat staying place janwasa to the pandaal is the most entertaining for an onlooker as the guests dance with the quality varying from okay to the most shamelessly terrible one. The DJ sings song in both male’s and female’s voice. Here are a few popular songs being played for the ages.

“Aaj mere yaar ki shadi hai” – The song from movie Aadmi Sadak Ka is the most popular among all the barats. You get the people dancing in typical bhangda style with mostly the groom’s friends being participants. The song does get you to dance. If not the effect of the occasion or appeal from the song, the sacred effects of divine liquids will surely get you one footed with arms thrown in the air. In case you ever had hots for the bride, you can dance with the lines “Aaj mere maal ki shadi hai”. Had munnabhai Sanjay Dutt gone for a normally traditional marriage with her recent wife, Trisha Dutt would have been the first to dance on the lines “Aaj mere baap ki shadi hai”.

“Man dole, mera tan dole” – No movie in the history has created as many myths and a superstition as Naagin has done. Right from ikshadhaari naag-naagins to “kill a snake and your photo get captured in his/her eyes”; the movie has been a trendsetter in terms of awareness about the snakes. I have never been able to understand the popularity of this song in the baarats. But as soon as the song is played, you would immediately get snake charmers with their hankies in their mouth and naagins sitting on its knees. More the naagin is drunk, more the drama in the dance.

Yeh desh hai veer jawano ka” – As soon as the song from Naya Daur is sung, the ugliest versions of bhangda is back. The speed of dance can put your fitness to real stress. Often people sing the censored version of the song pretending others don’t hear it but making sure that they do.

Most recent additions to the list are Kajraare, beedi jalai le and the master of nasal imperfections – himesh bhai’s songs. The funniest part is the male singer aping in female voice. But if you are just an outside viewer to the procession for the sad ending of yet another bachelor’s life just because the baarat happens to pass through your shelter, I wish you luck.

But there are a few songs you would not like to be played though I have heard them being played in some of the marriages I have attended –

“Aye meri johra zabeen, tujhe maloom nahi” ­– The moment the song was played, I went to check if I was in a marriage party or golden jubilee celebrations of a marriage anniversary. Imagine yourself on your wedding night and telling your partner – “Too abhi tak hai haseen aur main jawaan”. Do so and get ready for a lonely honeymoon.

Ek kunwara, fir gaya maara” – True and fit for the occasion but do you always need to speak it out? The marrying couple are anyhow tortured to the extreme by the never ending rituals. To add to the woes, imagine you being ridiculed by your friends while this song is played and all this when you have been standing on the stage for hours with the most heaviest of garlands around your neck, atrociously expansive but painfully uncomfortable sherwani, shoes which have been biting all this while and you have a turban on your head which causes so much of itch that you feel like peeling your skin off using your nails.

Monicaaa....ab to aa jaa” – Come this song and some obese uncle will come running to you shaking his ever so bulging tummy while trying to imitate Helen’s seducing shakes. And you would try your best to run away from there without letting him realize how hard you tried to conceal teeth. Anyhow, the song is a complete misfit for a family function and the occasion.

There would definitely lot more songs you would like to be played or not like to be played on the occasion. But I am sure you would like to avoid a few singers as well like Mahinder Kapoor as he reminds you of only one song – “Mere desh ki dhartiiiiii...” I am sure you would like to put aside your patriotic side aside with the words “Bailon ke gale mein jab ghunghroo”. I am sure you would like to avoid Poornima because he seducing voice immediately sends you back to the vulgar mid 90s with the songs like “Sarkaay leo khatiya jara lage” or “kal saiyyan ne aisi bowling kari” or surely you wont like the kinds of Devang Patel or Mika.

But, more than the songs it’s the way the band singer sings. So next time you go for a marriage, do listen to the band singer. You might actually get to listen to some interesting songs in more interesting manners.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Jodhaa Akbar

Powered by: Jodhaa Akbar
There is one common factor among all the movies made with history in their background. They start with a hype of possessing the ability to depict history in a brutally royal and real manner. Midway, makers start claiming that the movie is more of narrating a never told love saga than being a boring history documentary. Once the movie hits the BO, makers turn defensive saying that it’s just a piece of fiction which is a mix of their fertile imagination and art of movie making.

Same seems to have happened to the fate of Jodhaa Akbar. Ashutosh Govatrikar who dreamt to create history by telling it, looks like following the bollywood history where most promising directors fall flat once they try something more grand than they can digest.

The movie starts with Amitabh Bacchan narrating India’s history in the same words which have so often been used as if the description is also patented. To start off, the movie impresses with wonderful use of SFX as Hemu’s and Akbar’s armies get ready to battle in Panipat. Although the armies seem to be standing so far apart that half of it would have been dead even before reaching the enemies. I agree that Hemu lost the battle and had just “show his face” role in the movie but still was a much bigger and better character in the history hence Govatrikar shouldn’t have hired a Rs. 100/- per day extra to play his role.

As the movie goes forward, the Hritik’s misfit with the image of Akbar becomes more and more profound. Every time he walks as the Shenshah, looks like he is still in the hangover of Dhoom-2 and might shout, “Hey!! Are you like…checking me out?” Although, being a good actor, he has tried his best but some how the Urdu words spoken by him sound like a Mallu telling you that he knows a bit of Hindi, “Haan, todaa todaa aatha hai”.

Movie keeps shifting focus from showcasing the emperor and his magnanimity to his love interest to typical saas-bahu drama between Aishwarya Rai and Ila Arun, which turns out to be most eventful part of the movie. Fifteen years after loosing nigodi kaisi jawani, Ila Arun has shown that even her budhaapa is as productive by reflecting the images of most notorious saas of all time Lalita Pawar in her acting.

Once saas-bahu drama is over, you expect the movie to be over soon with a boringly romantic song which starts with Jodhaa-Akbar separated by a see through curtain which was worth enough to buy the copyright of song “Parda nasheen ko be parda na kar doon to Akbar mera naam nahi” and play it. Govatrikar has done a good job to keep their lips at safe distance to avoid marital turbulence somewhere in Juhu. I have always admired the archeological expertise of Bollywood film makers to unearth the most unheard off love sagas. They started with Salim-Anarkali and continued it to Alexender. Rajkumar Santoshi not only discovered the love interest of Bhagat Singh but also elaborated in his production in year 2002-03 which was Bollywood’s Bhagat Singh year with as much as five movies made on the legend. Ketan Shah went a step ahead and did it for Mangal Pandey who doesn’t have much of mention in history books. But again, all of them were “Fiction Movies” not documentaries made on history.

As soon as I though the movie is going to end with the song saying “They did it and gave a good enough reason to K Asif to make Mughal-e-Aazam”, Govatrikar proved to be a true son of bollywood and an ardent torch bearer of its traditions. No Bollywood movie can end without a villain being punished. And he is punished with hero saying “Tere Liye to mere hath hi kaafi hain”. So, Hritik Roshan fights with a villain who is such massive in size that you get a feel as if Ronak Singh-Siddhu fight in Ghulam was inspired by a movie made in future. Or, if you belong to the psued category of sophistication, you would straight away go back in the memory lanes of Troy with Hector and Achilles fighting each other to avoid a bigger war.

Finally the movie ends with AB justifying that this was the untold love story of Jodhaa-Akbar and you wonder if you have actually seen one. Interestingly, history doesn’t seem to suggest if Akbar had a wife named Jodhaa. It was K Asif’s Mughal-e-Azam which named Akbar’s wife as Jodha and everyone seems to have taken his word.

Overall, you always feel the movie to be loose on almost all the occasions. Directorial flaws have been to an extent that when Jodhaa enters a Mughal fort, a eunuch shouts in a peculiar vulgar style “Ruko, Abhi ek rasam baaki hai”. Jodhaa is made to carry out Hindu rituals by Akbar’s family after that in the Mughal fort where everyone seems to be completely unknown of Hindu culture.

Hritik Roshan has been good. Aishwarya Rai looks old enough to have played even her mother. The much talked about Punam Sinha’s performance is hardly a few centimeters long. Sonu Sood looks too tearful to look like a Rajput prince. In a movie with royal background where actors with heavy voice are desirable, Raja Murad has spoken lesser than the extra who announces the salutations on Akbar’s arrival which are long enough to put you to sleep. Ila Arun has done well and looks scary enough to fuel new life to Ramsay Brother’s dead ventures. Kulbhusan Kharbanda looks constipated as ever.

Music is okay but songs seem to be too long and forced upon the movie.

If you are a lover of watching gigantic sets, “I wore on my marriage” kind of dresses and “Just can’t afford” kind of jewelry, you might like it. But beware; it could well be wallet-shattering if you are watching the movie with your would-be/could-be/already-is.

If you are fond of slapstick comedies, don’t watch it unless you have a group of 5-6 guys with obscenely hilarious sense of humor.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The News

If you are a forced regular (I force most of you to be a regular on my blog) to my blog, you must be familiar of the fact that I am a big Indian news channel fan. Aaj Tak tops the list with IBN7 and IndiaTV giving it a tough fight. Rest are not far behind. Here are some of my favourite picks.

Best life saving story, The Prince – Some kid fell into a narrowest of wells in the strangest of manners. He was, and it is safe to presume that he still is, the son of a poor worker who would have named him babua, munnu, chunnu. Coincidently he had given him a royal name Prince. Among all the news channels, IBN7 was the most active to make people launch a rescue operation named Prince ko bachaana hai. They had even planted a camera in the well near the kid to show how he was eating biscuits supplied to him and had enlightening comments on each of his activities. Coincidently, the day he was saved turned out to be his birthday. Several more kids fell into the different wells after Prince was saved like Aas Mohammad (Operation Aas ki aas by Zee News) or Mukti (Operation Mukti by IndiaTV).

Best scientific story, Koi aap ko dekh raha hai – Aaj Tak revealed that there is life on a planet and someone is watching us. He has such a powerful vision that he can watch you trying to avoid washing your hands after shitting because the water is too cold or spitting in your boss’ tea when no one is watching you. He can even attack earth. The channel promised to tell the name of the planet in the next episodes for 15 days.

Best Archaeological Discovery, Ravan – IndiaTV discovered that Sri Lanka government had discovered the existence of Ravan few years back but GOI has paid no heed to it. They kept repeating it again and again so that it could ring a bell in GOI’s ears. If there are any positives taken from current turbulence in Mumbai is that finally the Mumbai story ended the painful soap opera of few weeks of Ravan.

Best Family Story, Why real life couples are not as successful as they were as reel life couple – The story started when Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bacchan were to get married. They even invited Aashish Vidyarti for his special perspective on this burning national issue for almost 4 hours and paid his pending EMIs of two months for his flat in Goregaon, Mumbai. Thanks to Jhanvi Kapoor, the burning issue was over fired by her with in a couple of days.

Best Breaking News, Please see the photo – The winner is Aaj Tak.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Pradhan Mantri Mahoday/Mahodaya!!!

With the current government all set to hoist the tricolor for the last time on 15th august, the ever so political activities are soon to gain some more entropy in very near future. This time is going to be a little different in the sense that almost none of the parties seem to have a clear, not so controversial, not so disputed, strong and “can pull the crowd without having to pay them” leaders. Let’s look at the possible should be/should not be/could be/ could not be candidates

Manmohan Singh – Please, spare a thought for the respected, well educated, owner of an excellent resume and clean image old man. If congress comes in power, will he get a repeat of the term? Naah. Just look at him once, he looks so burdened by his present term; I don’t think Mr. Singh would be willing to take another term. If he does, he might well become the first sardar to use his pagri as a patrolling weapon instead of a controlling one. He has probably lost more hair than given prime ministerial speeches.

Rahul Gandhi – His appointment as prime minister will throw us back to the old and well sung dynasties of Nehru family and the phoenix will rise again from the ashes. Congress is also tired of its search for stop gap arrangements to let the oldest kid in the country to grow tall enough to measure the stature of prime minister. Congress’ problem is, he is too young and his mother is Italian. How can we Indians accept a PM of foreign origins although if Bobby Jindal becomes even a deputy minister in US government, we would surely garland him with Bharat Ratna. The latest Gandhi will surely revive the old tradition of dividing our old enemy as he famously quoted once to be one of the many contributions his family made for the nation (click here).

Mayavati – BahinJi is surely the shrewdest female on political parameters. She proved her prudence in recent past when she cleared the enemy at home (click here) yet clearing the garbage on her image(click here) by utilizing the Bharat Ratna. She also outfoxed other stalwarts in last election by assessing the voter’s demographics even better than Aaj Tak (the best news channel award recipient for last 7 years in Aaj Tak awards). But when I was discussing the same with a friend last night and told him, “One day she will become the PM of the country”. “The very same day I will quit this country”. And we smiled at each other. Need I write more?

L K Advani – Think yourself. Is he worthy enough? Worthy enough is never a question to hold a post in democracy. Is he capable enough? Mr. Advani would have to wear the face mask of the last most widely respected politician of the country, Atal Ji, every time he goes out to ask for vote. With current scenario, BJP will find the race as tough as in 80s. He must be praying to God to make his guide at least decade younger till the elections.

Southy Sirens – South India has a penchant for the letter S. Be it the larger than life ShivaJi for which a manager in my earlier company drove 800 Kms to watch the first show or the goddess of seduction Shakeela who has such thundering thighs that it could feed a family of 8 for at least a month. The prime minister’s have either been in love with scams and handled them even better (Rao) or they possess such a strong will that they could sleep in the fish market of parliament (ABCDHDFC Devegodha). As of now, most of the probable candidates are busy fighting the famous battle of supremacy over water or extending the branches of their family trees to the assembly. In Andhra Pradesh, a film star’s dream to take the traditional path of film to politics has consistently been shattered by her daughter, in-law and fans (click here). Tamil Nadu was always busy in “you miss I hit” between an actress who would be a perfect brand ambassador of south Indian food for its rich contents and a politician whose eyes are seen only by two people – one by his mother when he was born and the other by the person who fitted those spectacles/goggles.

Narendra Modi – He is an extremist. After Godhra, he gave free hand to Hindu extremists in the state to run riots. All agreed. But don’t we remember how a certain community was massacred when a PM was murdered by her own bodyguards. Her son was still accepted as a prime minister although the images of individuals compared could be different. Let’s not get into the argument of using religious means to get into power. Even if Modi did, he has stayed there and he will continue doing so. Reason being – Of all the people I have met/interacted of different states, Gujrat is one state where people seem to be most satisfied by their government. I haven’t met a single person who had slightest of Gujrat connections and was not all honours for the Modi government and what good it has done for the state. Although my sample set has yet not covered a single element from a particular religion. But if someone has earned the praises of majority (100% of my sample set which might be very small in relative and absolute terms), he must have done more rights than wrongs. I don’t see a reason that the same could not be extrapolated to the entire nation. I agree that a single man cannot change the nation overnight but a leader should have qualities of vision, ability to get the work done and realistic honesty. Narendra Modi seems to have displayed it in Gujrat. So why not give him a chance or take a chance with him. At least the logic says so. But we live in a democracy, which is not run by logic. It is run by majority. Naendra Modi may never get the majority to become the Prime Minister.

Bong Brigade - Forget it. They have always been outsiders - either as opposition or "24 threats per day to withdraw support" kind of supporters. Outsiders do not become PMs.

Disclaimer – This post is written as an attempt to mix humour with some sense which belongs to me and has my copyright. In case I have missed your probable candidate in the list above, feel free to write your views in comments. In case my comments have hurt you because you found them derogatory for your favourite leader, think again. The same leader would surely have hurt all of us even more.