Friday, May 23, 2008

The LA - Loo!!!

Someone has said, at least I have been told so - If you want to check out someone’s shelter, first check his toilet. I did so and have pasted the picture here. This devastatingly bovine but picturesque attack on sophisticated intellectualism is highly regretted. But this is the status of one of the millions toilets provided on Indian Rails by Indian Railway at 8:15 AM in the third AC compartment. Does it ring a bell?

For my friends who have made the cultural transformation successfully by saving water for a piece of paper or who have not been travelling by Indian Railway in the recent past – does it ring the bell? Does the picture not tell you the stupendous change in the system?

I have always avoided the nature’s call in a train journey even if it was 48 hour long Jhansi to Trivandrum distance, for two reasons – 1. If the train meets an accident while I am relieving myself, I do not want my dead body to be found in a toilet in an untouchable position – it’s a phobia actually. 2. The toilets were never clean enough to encourage me for appreciating psychiatry’s chief contribution to philosophy – that toilet is the seat of the soul.

Remember the days when you spent the entire journey next to toilet because either your ticket was not confirmed or the confirmation didn’t matter for the occupants? Remember how you cursed God who made breathing a compulsory activity for life? Do you? Or did you actually know before seeing this photograph that the actual color of commodes in Indian Rails is not white, its milky white?

The moment I saw this scene, I captured it. Now I realize that I actually captured history. Such is the extent of cleanliness that every user feels as if he is making it out with a virgin, toilet seat I meant. Its not just in the books, perfection is actually internalized by the system. Just see the picture clearly and recall the seat in your own toilet. The slope is more in the back wall here as compared to the normal seats. That is because; with so many jerks it has to take because of the movement of the train, a steep slope decreases chances for waste stickiness hence you have to flush out lesser water to restore the virginity of the seat. Sometimes, you can actually get away without flushing also and make others feel you did flush it. Remember, not flushing and getting caught is even worse than cheating on your partner. Arey, Uma Thruman said so

"It is better to have a relationship with someone who cheats on you than with someone who does not flush the toilet."

Technical improvements helping the nature’s cause while its calling you. The slope also means every time you look down, you see your face in the reflection of the seat (it’s so clean) which doesn’t let you feel – “Aah, I have had enough. Let’s go”. You can enjoy yourself more without feeling overworked which has often been the problem with Indian toilet seats. Toilet is a place to have your privacy. It’s a place to be with your self. It’s a place to meditate.

After ages of loss making, Indian Railways is not only making profits but is also able to keep its toilets clean. The Railways Minister does deserve some more applause. Now I have just one reason to avoid any natural relief in train journeys – my phobia. I can happily spend some time in the train with a waiting ticket. I can let others know how the most critical place in a house for a cleanliness inspector is worth capturing a picture and posting it here.

Its time for some disclaimers –

1. It’s tough to sleep in a humid Mumbai night when all you can afford is a fan. Rest you can understand.

2. All you psuede junkies out there, if you think toilet is not a topic worth discussing read what your “Friend” Jennifer Aniston has to say

"When someone follows you all the way to the shop and watches you buy toilet roll, you know your life has changed."

So if you are looking for a change in your life, hire someone to follow you to the toilet roll shop.


Saumyajit said...

You are improving with every post almost.

Spiff said...

Just like
Amit Varma has Cow,
Acorn has foreign affairs
GB has mithun
me hv intelligence..

the mem of ur blog seems to be

what with all the references and the brand of humor (toilet humor ) i mean

Sachin Gulhane said...

There are two topics; no one under the sky can beat you, 1. Toilets 2. Toilets :-)
Vibahsh at his best in own den .. I mean toilet :-)