It is a secret about me that only giants of the business world know i.e. ICICI, Airtel, LIC, IBM, Shoppers Stop etc. It’s my official birthday today and I am still far away from that lethal number 30.
There used to be a trend in my family – to register the official birthday of the child at least a year after his actual birthday. This helps in giving more number of attempts for government jobs as you touch the age limit later than you should – at least this was the belief. What I could never understand was what about starting late? My grand father kept my father younger by two years on papers. Once my father nearly got a government job, this I was told, but his papers told his age couple of years lesser than the eligible age. He never got a second chance after that.
Anyhow, this did not stop my parents from keeping me younger by almost a year on paper. Birth registration phenomena was not as strong as these days. It was all about registering the DOB at school which happened to continue in future. So, do not blame me and file a 420 suit against me. I wish they were more visionary and changed my caste instead. Anyhow, little did they know I would be working in the modern corporate world where the career path would be downhill? I was a consultant in my first job (post MBA), than a Senior Analyst and now an analyst. The reason I am not looking for a change even after 10 months is that I don’t want to be a junior analyst in my next jump.
Two things to have given me the biggest trouble are associated with my birth – my date of birth and my name.
You have to tell your date of birth for all official matters and I keep getting confused about which one I told who. You have to tell you name in all official as well as non official matters and things don’t help much if you have an uncommon name. Trouble is more in case of call centers as you require both of them at the same time.
“Sir, for identification checking, can I have your DOB?” asked a female from a call center.
“Its 9-9-XX” I replied.
“Sorry sir, it doesn’t match”.
“Okay than it must be the other one”.
“Sir, does it mean you have two DOBs” it came before I could finish.
“Yeah, actually” I tried to break into the conversation.
“That means you were born twice” was she throwing the ball in my court to….
“Well, I am a common man. I die every day, I…” thoughtfulness impresses women, I was told by someone.
“Sir, may I have your DOB please?” my lines were again cut short.
“I am sorry sir, this does not match either. Please get back to us with correct DOB. Thank you for calling XXXXX”
I was worryingly surprised as both of these dates did not match with the data they had. Later I came to know that some intelligent soul had taken my pains seriously and put the average of these two dates as my DOB in the papers i.e. 8th august, average of 7th July and 9th September.
Name has been another fiasco. It’s so uncommon that till now I have met only two more people with this name – one was in 6th year of his 4 year b tech course in IIT K and other was running a cab in Kolkata. It’s difficult to pronounce – I cannot do it myself. After years of confusion, I have stopped telling new people (esp. call center) my name, I tell them its spelling.
It has been mostly like
“Sir, can I have your name?” asked a female at a call center.
“Yeah Mr. Vikash”
“VIBHASH!!! V for vindictive, I for insane, B for bitter, H for horny, A for avenger, S for sadist, H for horny. Got it? It’s double H, double horny” I said in one single breath.
Obviously, it happened only in the devil’s workshop of my empty mind. I didn’t even know so many words till I went to google. It generally happens like “Sir, can you spell it?
“Yeah V, V for…hmmmm” my vocabulary has always been poor.
“Victory”, she says. And it continues.
Then the name goes down in the database depending upon the call rep’s origin – if it’s a bong, she puts it as Bibhash as bongs have always preferred B over V/W. They always bhander (Wander) in the bheranda (Veranda). If it’s a south Indian, H gets misplaced and its ends up like Vi’Bash’.
Anyhow, folks, it’s my official birthday. Call me, sms me, send me cards, send me gifts but not like ICICI. They always offer me fresh loans at 15%.