Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Investment Banker!!!

There are two common features among most B schools – First being, for all those 10 students who feature in various newspapers because of number of 0s in their salaries (after a non-zero integer, obviously) there would be 250 or so who lag behind by at least a 0 in their salary figure. Most of the aspirants join B schools thinking they would fight their way out to the first category only to find themselves in the second even before the first trimester is complete. Second common feature is – they all share a common dream, to become an investment banker (Ibanker in more socially vocal terminology). Some have it deep down their heart which never comes out of their mouth, for some it comes out of their mouth so often that they themselves find it difficult to convince their heart for the existence of this dream. Most lay in the midway. Anyways, here is the daily routine of once an aspiring Ibanker (Enjoying the two B*****, Bachelorhood and Bombay what I mean rather than anything else) who has, after couple of years of job hopping and a “bubbly” economic boom, become one. Just that the bubble is bursting now.

6:00 AM – Alarm rings. I have to go to the Gym where I paid monthly fee of INR 15,000/- last month but that was the only time I went there. I need to get up, put on Nike shoes which I bought for INR 5,000/- for going to Gym. Thanks God for credit cards. Hmmm…let me sleep for 5 more minutes. May be I should put the alarm off.

8:00 AM – Damn, its 8. I slept for 2 hours more. Anyways, Wednesday is no good for starting a new thing. I will start going to Gym from this Monday. Promise. Shit!!! I had a client call at 10 today.

8:02 AM - Lights a cigarette, goes to toilet seeking success and comes out thinking – Damn, I have to quit smoking - last one for the day. Lights one more, washes face, bathes with deodorant and rushes to Boriwali station.

8:31 AM – Hmm…. There is 8:33 slow local at platform number 4. May be I can get a seat in second class. But what shady crowd is there? 8:52 local will be coming at platform number 1. Slow local will get me to churchgate at 9:45. I can be there at 9:42 if I take the fast local which will save 3 minutes. I can still reach office in time. 8:52 local comes at 9:05 and is already running at 500% capacity as a train before it was cancelled.

9:38 AM – His 2 cubic meter body is stuffed in a space of 1.36 cubic meters. Cell phone buzzes. It’s an SMS. Damn, who is this? May be its Sanyukta who I met on fropper last week. I had sent some shitty emotional message as someone told me that his girlfriend loved that message. May be it’s her. Let me check. He tries to reach his pocket to get his cell phone. A 45 year old uncle starts shouting at him for disturbing the mechanical equilibrium in the compartment. He shouts back. Slowly everyone starts shouting till Dadar comes, 50 odd get down and 60 odd get in. In the process of getting down and getting in, the compartment’s capacity utilization falls down to 145% from 545% for 2 seconds. Somehow manages to take out his cell phone in those 2 seconds and checks. Its and ICICI reminder to pay off his credit card dues of INR 50,000 today else interest will be levied. Shit!!! Salary is 14 days away. Never mind, I took 2000 Kishan Lal Pansari Das(KLPD) Software Ltd's stocks after it fell by 13% from its 52 week low. Tip was that Sensex would be good today and KLPD will jump hitting the upper circuit of 10% after lunch. I will sell off 300 just before it hits the circuit and pay my bill.

10:12 AM: Enters the office. Great that boss has not come too. Let me log into Gtalk. I will put the status message as busy. I am an IBanker. I have to be busy or look so. Let me check the Sensex at Moneycontrol. Wow, its up by 246 points. KLPD has fallen down further by 5%. Wow, I can buy some more and decrease my average cost. I will convert ICICI dues to EMI. But what about the money to buy more KLPD stocks? I don’t have any. Let me call up my friend.

10:16 AM: Pings a friend who is a Software Architect (SA).

IBanker: Hey, how you doing?

SA: I am fine, just little tied up.

Ibanker: Can I have five minutes?

SA: Yeah, sure.

Lures him into the talks and takes INR 15,000 from him. Wow, I am damn good at cracking deals.

10:35 AM: A friend pings him. Ibanker sends an SMS reply saying he is busy. Then he calls his friend up. Yaar, I am little tied up. Tell me fast if there is anything urgent. They make it real fast and gossip lasts just 54 minutes.

11:40 AM: Goes out to smoke.

12:20 PM: Comes back to office.

12:30 PM: A friend calls up for lunch. He is working with some IT company.

IBanker: No Yaar, I don’t have anytime to even pee.

Friend: So Busy, that why you guys get such fat salaries. I wish I could become an IBanker.

IBanker: Yeah but personal life gets spoiled. I have to get up at 6:00 AM to come to office and I am happy if I can leave by 10:00 PM.

Friend: So, how much bonus you got this time? I know market is bad but I am sure your bonus wouldn’t have been less than 100%? I feel so jealous of you guys.

IBanker: Common, these are tiny things in life. What is important is mental peace. Slowdown has eroded his bonus completely this year. He is happy that he has not being fired till now.

They go for lunch, and he goes to pee as soon as bill comes. Friend pays.

2:30 PM: He is back in office.

2:35 PM: Goes out to smoke.

2:40 PM: Goes to DesiPundit to check out some blogs. Shit, they have put 5 more blogs since last night. Why do they link so many useless blogs? All of them are so crappy. Reads them all and comments on 4 of them.

3:45 PM: Goes back to those blogs he commented to check if there is any response to any of his comments. There are none.

4:00 PM: Goes out to smoke. Walks to CCD with few colleagues and discusses the possible impact of Abhinav Bindra’s gold on Indian economy and how it is going to help Obama win which would solve crisis in Georgia and bring down the crude oil prices to USD 100 per barrel. There is an argument about the final price and it longevity. 120 it is, the bill at CCD. Oil prices discussion was halted midway as there was some news of a cyclone approaching US on NDTV. Let’s rush back to office and discuss it with Oil sector team – he suggests.

5:30 PM: Damn!!! I cannot pass anymore time in office. I can catch the evening show of Dark Knight in PVR if I start now. Calls up yours truly who works for a rating agency.

IBanker: When are you leaving?

Me: Around 6:30.

IBanker: Lets leave now. I am taking a company cab.

Me: No. I am updating my blog.

IBanker: You can hardly write your name in English. Why the hell you blog? Come let’s leave.

Me: (Fuming, I hate my blogging skills being ridiculed) Great job you have - Ibanking, salary which is double of mine and leave at 5:30.

IBanker: It’s the first time ever I am leaving at 5:30. He told me the same story last Monday. And the salary you are talking about, company sucks the blood out of my body for the money it pays.

Me: But it does pay you well unlike me who gets paid in peanuts. Hey, how much bonus did you get this time?

He hangs up the phone, takes the company cab. Watches the movie and comes back home.

10:30 PM: Log into Orkut, Gtalk, Y!,Facebook, Linkedin. MSN and AOL too.

12:30 AM: Wow, downloading Jenna Jameson’s 38 MB clip is complete. Nadia Nyce is still 45% left – will be done by tomorrow.

1:00 AM: Sleeps.

This was a typical Wednesday. To find out how a typical Thursday is, read this post again - for rest of the days also but for the weekends.


Dreamer said...

more than anything.....u r jealous

Sachin Gulhane said...

Story is similar for s/w guys .. specially Business analysts .. except Salary & Bonus .. :-(

Vibhash Prakash Awasthi said...

@sachin...noways...u guys just dnt have the real pleasure of life - mumbai locals

LoonyTalk said...

I agree with Sachin. The story is similar for most jobs: Software Engineers, Project managers, and even PhD students (!) The bonus is unfortunately missing there as well. :D
And yeah, I can tell on any given day which of my friends (in software jobs) has just had a project completed, by the number of fwded messages he sends... :P

Baboo Bisleri said...

I have been reading your blogs for a while, always resisting the temptation to comment... i really liked this one.

Spiff said...

good one....

I agree with Babu bisleri..except that i comment a lot on ur blog..but this is one of your good efforts

Manu said...

the blog is gud but don't write this kind of blogs otherwise it will hit the sentiments of IBanker...and there salary will become low if any CEO of financial company will read this blog and then they will curse you...and i think even the credit rating people do the same thing are doing the same job sorry...dude :)