Thursday, October 16, 2008

Here I Am!!!

Here is the this world from the eyes of an infant – who is my cute little son.

6th October – Hi!!! I am making my debut today. They call this place as hospital. The place stinks of medicines all the time. Two more babies are born after me today and both of them happen to be boys. Damn, seems like my pre marital life would be full of guys like my dad’s. I have heard him so many times cribbing about the same. Anyways, mom says he is coming tomorrow. I have heard him many a times, its time to see him.

7th October –Damn, he woke me up, my dad that is. He looks like me or no, he is much older. He has loads of grey hair. Even his beard has grey hair. But I might soon catch him up in height as well as weight. Everyone is talking about giving me a name. He suggests the name as “Reliance Power” as both – Reliance power and I – may not fetch him any benefits before 2033 and we would only be investments till than. Damn, what a money minded guy he is.

I heard he is an MBA but not an investment banker. Now, he may not become one also because they are forced to be extinct. May be someday I will make a movie called Deewal Street and give him the role of an investment banking just to fulfill his never-to-be-realized dream. He might have to watch dinosaurs in Jurassic Park to learn more about his role. Poor fellow works for a rating agency that does not pay bonus if the market is good because the agency want to be conservative about everything. And no body pays bonus in a bad market anyhow.

8th October – Everyday I off take some stuff from my body. People call it shit. I do not know why they have given such a terrible name to such a relieving off take. Sometimes just air comes off but I love that too. Only problem is, every time I shit, I have to cry to let others know to change my nappy. I am tired of crying again and again - too much of effort. There has to be a way out. Let me think. Since they themselves check it every now and then, what is the need for me to cry and waste my energy? I would better doze off. Anyhow, who minds a bit of wet cloth in this October heat? I saw my first sunlight today

9th October – India Australia series is starting today. He is excited, very excited. May be he would be seeing the match all day. He wants me to see the match as well but I will refuse. I would better be watching another baby – the baby bindaas Minissha Lamba in Kidnap. Wow!!! My nappy is bigger than her. (Chuckles)

10th October – Some people in white coats keep visiting us. Everyone calls them doctors. I call them butchers. They give me injections in the worst possible places. Even my crying tactics do not work.

It’s Friday. Dad seems to have loads of deficiency of alcohol in his blood. Yesterday he went out with a friend who had beer where as dad had to be happy with coke.  Poor fellow again. Hey, the rate at which I am realizing his poverty, he might soon end up below the line of poverty. May God give him enough prosperity so that I am not slaughtered in the blood sucking dream machine of middle class and all I am needed to do is to bask on the beaches of Goa.  

11th October – India batting today but what the hell. He did not see the first innings because he did not want to see Indian bowlers getting mauled by Australian batters. Now he often switches channel because he is too nervous to see Indian batters getting bundled out for a cheap score. Never mind, it keeps giving me chances to meet bindas baby.

Ah, we are going home today. I am happy.

Dad is watching news channel. Some 66 year old actor has some stomach problem and they are showing it live on news – on each and every channel. It might well be lose-motions. I hope the news channels do not go to the toilet also. Dad is swapping the news channels, cursing them for their stupidity but still glued to them. Finally there is a power cut which ends my ordeal. He says Bhopal is much better than Kanpur in power supply. Ah, if some city with 6 hours of power cut in a day is better than his hometown, I hope he never takes me there.  

12th October – Some family members have gathered to see me as if they have never seen a handsome hunk. They want to decide my name. Someone suggests Atal. Shit, I don’t want to be sitting in opposition all my life. Dad suggests Shubhankar. Sounds nice and rhymes with his never to be completed aspiration, banker. But rejected as some suggested I would be nicknamed as bunker in my college. Huh, as if nicknames are restricted only to the distortion of real names. Someone suggests Yash. Dad adds to it – “Yeah, we will name the second kid as Raj and third one Films”. What a boring fellow I must say. After 2 hours, 38 minutes, 13 seconds, 9 heads, 9 mouths and 18 ears, the consensus could not be reached. I still do not have a name. And they do not ask me, what a pity.

13th October - Now, I have really started respecting Biharis. These fellows have not found a single name for me in almost one week whereas Biharis keep two names for one kid. Some of my Dad’s Bihari friends are named – Piyush Pallav, Pavan Prabhat, Vishal Vikram, Shashi Bhushan. Even the guy born after me, being a Bihari, was named with two names before he left hospital – Sudheer Vinod.

14th October – Dad is leaving today. He says crude has really spurred the air travel fair and hence prefers trains. He also says he would take me to Mumbai via flight only if crude falls below USD 67 as only than air fair would decline. Of my God!!!I am sorry to break my promise, but he is really a poor guy. 

Sunday, October 05, 2008


When I met the producers of this film because of my work and they explained to me their philosophy of their movie selection, I was deeply impressed. Each time I was told the same parameters to select a movie to produce in same order and description containing same words, I knew it was their belief in their philosophy which brought the consistency and surely not the oration of a well rehearsed management presentation.

Rarely one gets to see a movie which touches on sensitive social issue with such brilliance. My apologies if there are any spoilers in this post.

Movie starts with the heroine Nemonia dancing around the beaches somewhere in Dadar east and trying her best to hide her cleavage. She has a fetish for bathing hence was named Nemonia (Pneumonia) as she looks to be suffering from it all the time. She is soon forced a curfew by her mom Mallika who has to try harder to conceal her cleavage. There seem to be some generational rivalry about who can hide lesser of their cleavages between mother and daughter. Mallika looks like winning the contest in both – what was showed and what was hidden.

Forced by her fetish to bathe, Nemonia goes swimming in the sea and wakes up only to find her in a room with hero/villain/character artist/god knows what named Veerya Karma.   

Vikral Haina is a successful industrialist who is known for his kind heartedness, varied interests in life insulted under section 377 of IPC. He is told that his daughter is kidnapped and it will need some crossword solving to get her back.

Meanwhile, Nemonia starts proving to be a headache for her kidnapper because of her consistent demands to take bath. Given an opportunity, she gets into her chaddhi-baniyaan and jumps into whatever water body she finds. After several requests from Veerya, she agrees to stop this bathing business only if she is told the story behind her kidnapping. This takes a thrilling turn in the movie which sweeps everyone off the ground.

Few years back Vikral had forced Veerya to sleep with him and both were caught. Since homosexuality is a crime in India, both get caught but Vikral manages to go scot-free using his power to seduce the police officer arresting him. Veerya goes to jail for ten twelve years or so. Now, Veerya wants Vikral to marry him as he is already divorced. Just that gay marriages need to be legalized in India and a minister is working towards it. But with so much of cleavage show which could have turned A K Hangal into Mark Zuber, Veerya starts finding changes in his likings too. Just when one thinks Veerya would run away with Nemonia and movie would end in the most predictable way, Mallika steps in and sacrifices. She can neither let her daughter marry a criminal nor can she see her ex-husband marrying a man with 6 packs. Hence she presents herself. Veerya, who has turned straight, acts like a typical man. He chooses the babe with bigger boobs and marries Mallika.

All the departments have done wonderfully well. Director deserves all the praises for the much hyped new look of Sanjay Dutt’s new look whose best quality is – it looks exactly like his older looks. Vidya Malvade and Minissha Lamba have done full justice to their roles of showcasing cleavage and hidden talent (primarily in undergarments). Reema Lagoo is the only person in the movie (including males, females and the rest) who has her top completely covered.

Imran Khan has again showed his potential as an actor so much so that when he claims to be a kidnapper and Minissha Lamba responds saying – “Are you kidding me?”, you cannot help but agree with me. Sanjay Dutt has looked well as a father, of both Minissha Lamba and Vidya Malvade.

Standard Disclaimer - Okay, I won’t give any disclaimers this time. Go watch Kidnap before you cast any aspersions at me; you might join me after seeing the movie. 

If you happen to see the movie, please do tell me - which story is better, the one written here or the one shown in the movie. The one here is my copyright, hence dont copy it.