Statutory warning: If you belong to the 'psued' strata of society who is ostensibly sophisticated, boringly intellectual and a sacred adult please do not read this post. But if you are brutally honest and have enjoyed your bachelorhood to the core in hostel days watching the channels speaking in South Indian languages or dubbed Hindi at wee hours, you might appreciate the obscure expressions of this post.
Two lumps of flesh weighing more than a quintal trying to crush each other in not so inhumanly manner, their hands roaming around each other's hands and mouths around the Mehrauli Pillar like necks. No, I am not talking about two monsters wrestling to suffocate each other. It's not a Dracula trying to suck blood from your neck although I have always been confused if it's the process of feeding the devil or advertising a brand of toothpaste.
I am talking about the famous, the seducing, the heavy weight and the sex goddess of Mallu cinema – Shakeela. And this post is a tribute to her.
Our society where average age of marriage has consistently been increasing in the strata blessed with the tools of modernization more than the others, the brighter side of studious bachelors (I just know about males hence its their perspective) still remain quite distant from the other side of sexual divide. Hence they seek the sensuous pleasures through the senses of E&T. There have been various stalwarts on the supply side of profoundly illegal market in India. Be it the Baba Mastram of early 90s or D Debonair. With the advent of internet, Desi babas, mamas, papas took the centre-stage. Technological advancement making the deeper inroads gave them stiff competition. The famous DPS RKPuram was one of those trendsetters of the conglomeration in this industry with a Nokia cell phone capturing the most downloaded MMS in the history of indian telecom, Windows media player converting it on a website run on multiple browsers. It also showed the effectiveness of indian education system of how its not just one way traffic of schools to IITs, IITs do look back also.
But among all this turbulence in market dynamics, one name has always stood tall, Shakeela. When the gigantic moral police from Ambala was coming down hard on the curiosity of Indian youth in the name of Sushma Swaraj, it was this very name which provided them with some sexual relief or the inspiration to get that.
But, it's the upbringing that was strong. Mallus, have always been known to love divine liquids, rich food and its results. This is pretty much evident in the heroes they worship, the Mallu movie stars. So even after getting the most talked about six packs in the history of mankind, SRK would find it close to impossible to find his “cut out” in Mumbai. But I saw 4 “cut outs” of Mohanlaal during my 4 months stay in Trivandrum where it’s “a dozen of watermelons stuffed into one” tummy and “denser than Sahara” moustache. Mallus love it big & heavy.
That is what has been the USP of Shakeela. With cities getting more & more cosmopolitan, bachelors sharing flats with TV as sole mode of entertainment, a desperate dream of loosing their most preserved asset which is more the question of opportunity than morality, plus the language problems in the lower part of the country, its the different Maa, Surya, Vijaya, Teja channels come to their rescue with their share & version of late night movies. And invariably the most rewarding movie is a Shakeela movie. If two humans (male-female or female-female) trying to make love or at least pretend to do so with the male in a Eastman colour lungi and pale white west hiding a chest which would make a bear look like as if it has shaved off, female with skin tight undergarments with lower body covered till knee, they trying their best to express the orgasmic pleasure by just smelling each other around the neck and each one weighing more than a quintal for sure, its a sight you must see at least once. Love making is all about kissing knees for them and even Vatsayan could not recognize it. Not to forget the most atrocious classical music in the background which is same across the board because the directors are intelligent enough to not let the wheel re invented. People would watch a 2 hour long movie in an alien language (mostly) anticipating the thrill. As the movie ends, invariable there are shouts – “Shit yaar. Kuch nahi dikhaaya aaj. Shakeela ki nahi thi na”. The entire process would be repeated next night. But somehow Shakeela’s movies (mostly on Saturdays as special dishes) have always been more rewarding with her thundering thighs which even Ronaldo is envies. The biceps are better than the entire anti dog squad of bollywood, the deols. When Jemma Jamson says pornography is not just about nudity, it’s also about acting, you know she is begging for someone from Hollywood to give her ears. Never ever we heard anything from the desi version of Jemma Jamson, Nadia Nyce or Carmen Electra put together in one – weight wise. A porn star is a porn star, she caters to a different audience all together and that is how the professionalism of the trait should be. And she could act. She could act the most stupendous emotions in the process of the most repeated activity of mankind in the most consistently similar ways and steps. Yet we waited for the Saturdays.
Though initially compared with the 80s sex siren of the South, Silk Smitha, Shakeela's rather bodacious contours managed to carve a unique niche for her in the industry which has customers of most diversified age groups. Having watched her once on the 70mm, we saw the kids of 14 to grandpa’s of 75 standing in the longest of queues under the scorching sun of Trivandrum to get the movie ticket. She has developed a major cult fan base of her own. With the movie budgets of just a few hundred thousands, she has ravaged the star system in the South Indian film industry. Her movies were one of the best in terms of ROI. With the current spate of bollywood actresses trying to get into the news more because of their acts on stolen MMS’ rather than boldness on screen, Shakeela stands out with her courage.
This post is a tribute to the sexy siren. If it was Veerappan who gave heart attacks to the population of three states with his monstrous brutality, it’s Shakeela who is alleged to have given most number of heart breaks to the mortals of same states with her beastly beauty.
With Aaj Tak to have taken the responsibility of getting the biggest Indian to have ever born, Khali the Bali, get married, aren’t they missing something?