A cousin who is an expert at mobile technology asked me about the extra features I would like to have on my cell phone. As always, whenever exposed to a question which requires a little bit of thinking I was clueless. More often than not, I am happy with the given situations. “I am fine with whatever I have got” was the reply from an expertly mediocre. But my dear sister has been a university topper. And like a typical topper, she kept probing till she got success in getting me answering. Here are a few
· The cell phone should automatically switch off when I am being scolded by my wife, my mother, my boss or my client on phone. It should stay in such a position for at least a couple of hours. Problem is, if this wish is fulfilled, the phone might never get chance to switch on.
· It should be able to give electric shocks to people standing around me when I instruct. This will get me some space in Mumbai locals. But I would soon be caught. Actually, the phone should be able to fart with a nice melodious ringtone. Yeah but fart should not be worse than mine because that would be fatal.
· The phone should automatically be able to make sounds like “Haan, hmmm, sahi baat hai” etc whenever I am asked to play Kofi Annan (when on phone face to face you just have to be the punching bag), in the most notorious bi lateral wars in Indian families.
· The cell phone should be able to answer few standard questions in a telephonic interview. “What are your strengths MR. Awasthi?”, “I can shag ten times a day, you bitch” is what I would like to say to these terribly stupid HR questions. “Well I take my work very seriously. Sometimes I take it so seriously that it takes a toll on me and my body which in turns affects my work, But I do not give up and keep working hard” is what I ended up saying a few times which means “Don’s give me much work, I hate to loose on my sleep”. Why cannot my cell phone google the answer and reply it in a fluent manner.
· “Am I talking to Mr. Awasthi?”.
“Yes you are”
“Mr. Awasthi, you took a personal loan from our bank and have been paying on time.” (That is because your bank does ECS from my salary account even before I realize the salary has been credited.) “We would like to give you a golden offer...” Even if I disconnect the call, my concentration has been damaged in the place I need it most – toilet. I hate when I get a call I am forced to attend while I am involved in an activity which decides my mood for the day. Why cannot my cell phone tell people that I am busy meditating hence need not disturb.
· “Aur Sunao”...”Bas yaar..”
“Aur Sunao..” “Bas Yaar..”
And it goes on for five more minutes. The cell phone should count these minutes of precious conversation and send the bill to the party on other side who went hell-bent on “Aur Sunao”. If two guys get on these lines, they should immediately hang up the phone. If it’s a guy saying these lines to a girl, he wants to talk but has run out of topic. Of course, heterosexuality is the basic assumption here.
· If you are married or belong to a strata of the society I always dreamt to – have a girl friend, you must have been facing the same problem Not only you need to tell your wife/partner why you love her and how much you love her, you also need to quantify it. After each answer, you learn what you should not say. But you never learn what you should say. Why can’t my cell phone do an artificial intelligence here?
· It should send hourly reminders to people who owe me money. It should block people who owe their money to me.
· Whenever boss is scolding me, it should automatically send a reminder to the client that it’s the boss who would have a better view on the company than me hence its the perfect time to call him.
· Why cannot a cell phone carry a small peg of Glenn Fiddich with them? After all, they were invented to make our lives easier.