Monday, June 29, 2009

The Adventures of Last Sunday!!!

A friend had come to my place this Sunday with his family. I, along with my friend, were busy surfing channels on TV when suddenly we saw Set Max was playing – Adventurous of Tarzan. Both of us jumped in joy. This was the movie which we had either seen in a clandestine manner or we had only seen some of its ‘selected’ clips. So, to rejoice the old memories, we decided to see the movie. Here is a gist of turn of events that followed.

The very first scene was such a refreshing site. We saw a young Dilip Tahil(DK) clad in cheque shirt, a pair of jeans which looked as if was painted on his legs and a cowboy hat. He looked in some pain during the entire length of the movie. But when your jeans are as tight as his were, it was understandable. Now, unless you have seen Buniyaad, you would like to believe that Dilip Tahil is AK Hangal of post Ram Teri Ganga Maili era. His genuine acting days started from being Papa of Papa Kahte Hain and he never looked back. It was nice to see him taking his chances with the sexy siren of those days - ­­Kimi Katkar (Ruby), who was always given her clothes Katkar. Not that I was complaining but I finally came to realize the reason behind her name.

In comes the father of all those girls who have been romancing with their heroes in bikinis, right from 70s to 90s, ­Om Shiv Puri(Shetty). He is dressed in a Man – U wala red sleeveless vest. He looks little worried because its jungle everywhere, not only around him but also in his armpits – a real dense jungle. He, being the leader of the group, announces that they would be moving upwards. He and DK discuss about some Tarzan who they plan to make slave and take to their circus.

Next morning, they all start climbing helped by a white rope with Shetty as their leader. For some strange reasons, DK is shown to be climbing on the rope upside down on a path which looks entirely different from others. His face also is not visible. I think it was originally filmed in a normal manner but with DK’s jeans not allowing his groin area any breathing space, censor board must have clipped the scene citing it as vulgar. So it was re-filmed later by some other stuntman behind director’s building. On the other hand, Ruby is rock climbing in her heels. How fashion conscious? I am sure she would like to go swimming in white bikini if she becomes a widow.

With each person, rope is becoming weaker. With each person, you are forced to think – will he be the one to drop off a Himalayan cliff? Will he survive? Tension builds and builds to such an extent that even my friend’s 3 month old daughter starts shouting. Finally, the sword falls on a curly haired man who happened to be in cheque shirt and air tight jeans. But it’s not DK, it someone else. As he falls, Shetty (who has already reached the top of the cliff) shows his true professionalism and shouts – “Bhagwaan, uski aatma ko shanty dena” (Oh God, may his soul rest in peace. Let’s move on).

There are some girls in the group climbing the cliff in dancing dresses. I and my friend wonder if they are dancers moving along with the group and dance once the rock climbing gets over. It happens exactly the same way. Once they all reach the top, every one start singing and dancing with Shetty jumping up and down in his sleeveless t-shirt. The trees start blowing real fast. Not in the jungle may be but definitely in his arm pits.

Next morning Shetty and DK talk about some Tarzan. But Ruby who, like almost all the leading/mislead actresses of 80s, has a penchant for bathing under a waterfall and sing. She goes for it and slips. Well not before her cloths slip many a times in the song. She starts flowing with the water. A giant crocodile is also shown in the same river. May be we are supposed to assume that crocodile was following her. But it didn’t look like that way. May be we don’t have an eye for detail. Ruby screams to the top of her voice. And then he appears. Hanging on the trees, making the noise I first heard in Bandar Chhap Kaala Dant Manjan ad, looking like more of a mutton shop than a human being. He is Tarzan. Ruby thinks her saviour has arrived and so do we. By now, Ruby is hanging by some tiny stone in that very high waterfall. She can fall anytime.

But to our amazement and Ruby’s, he starts fighting with the crocodile that was desperately running away from that spot to make sure Ruby’s screams don’t make him deaf. We wonder and shout – “Abey Magarmacch ki lega kya? Jaake use bacha “(Are you going to make love to that crocodile? Go save Ruby) But he is Tarzan. He not only kills the crocodile but also save Ruby. He also drops her back to her camp. Heart bells have started ringing.

Ruby asks her dad Shetty if she can fill her water bottle. Dad says yes and asks DK to keep an eye on her. DK is more than pleased to do so in hope of some cleavage show. So are we. But Ruby is a clever girl, she doesn’t look at DK. In his disappointment, DK decides to light a cigarette and as he looks back after doing so, he gets a shock. Tarzan has disappeared with Ruby. Love birds go to the jungle, roam around on elephants, and teach themselves a trick or two. Tarzan measures Ruby’s breasts with his hands and compares with his breasts. He is satisfied to see his breasts are bigger than Ruby’s.

Ruby comes back next morning and starts shouting, “Tarzan, I Love You.”

Shetty comes fuming and slaps her “Tumhari himmat kaise huyi sare-aam pyara ka ijehaar karne ki?” (How dare you express you love so publically)

“Idiot, if you are so worried about her expression of love in public, you don’t have a clue what she has done in private. Go check youtube.” We say.

Ruby runs away deep inside the jungle in search for Tarzan. She is wearing 2 inch broad red cloth on upper part of her body and a red sarong. She is caught by some tribal elements. Her cloths, whatever was there, are shown flying.

No. If you are thinking it’s a rape scene, you are wrong. She is shown lying on some bed and covered in more cloths. She is handed over to a 7 feet tall giant who looks to have come direct out of Ramsay Brother’s movies. He decides to rape her.

“Damn!!” we shout. The underwear shown is really tight and small. It seems to be covering just the crack between both the butts. No, not Ruby’s, I am talking about the rapist’s underwear. Ruby is dressed in her least revealing dress in the entire movie. Thankfully, before we started puking after looking at a hairy, dark and really muscular pair of butts, Tarzan comes as our, more than Ruby’s, saviour and scares that giant away. They again sing a song.

There is an ad break. Set-Max does tell you some special features about the movie it is showing. It tells us this time, “B. Subhash hunted and hunted for his hero. He was getting people with good body but no one had the desired masoomiyat (innocence) on his face. Finally he got Hemant Birje. Once he was signed, Birje had to do three months of preparation for the role”. I wonder if Birje prepared to get his body in shape or get some innocence on his face. I am a great admirer of Birje and he was my favourite hero in movie Divine Lovers. After all, whenever he came on screen in Divine Lovers, he made sure that heroine didn’t wear any clothes in that scene. But, with due respect to him, calling his face innocent will be like calling Mike Tyson feminine.

We change the channel.

We switch back and see Tarzan in a circus. DK is abusing and asking people to clap. People are clapping. DK is hurling hunters on him and asking people to clap. People are clapping. He is telling people Tarzan is his slave and asking people to clap. People are clapping. I wonder if people have come to see circus or to clap.

Ruby sings a song for Tarzan on the tone of “Koi patthar se na mare mere deewane ko”. Tarzan keeps doing strange stunts like jumping on a bed of sharp and huge needles. One of needles just misses his genitals. Ruby’s heart sinks but she finally takes a sigh of relief.

Song ends. News hungry media jumps onto Ruby to ask questions like

Do you know Tarzan?

How do you know him?

How long you have known each other?

How did you feel when on one of the needles almost turned him into Maharani of Sadak?

Have you seen Sadak?

Did you like it?

Would you like to do Neelima Ajeem’s role in Sadak. Or you would better do Sadashiv Amrapurkar’s role.

The reporters accidently throw her off the stage. She falls down. This makes Tarzan angry. He breaks his handcuffs and starts beating everyone. He beats DK. DK asks people to clap. People clap. He beats DK. DK asks people to clap. People clap.

By now, females present in my house lose patience. They, including the 3 month old baby, raise their voice in protest. We change the channel and miss to see the most desired scene on the screen – THE END.

Poor they, by the time they learnt the spelling of word entertainment, cable TV had made it a commodity. We, me and my friend, belong to the generation for which entertainment was a luxury.

But, my heart goes for people who went and saw the movie in cinema halls. There were many of them as movie was one of the chart busters of 1985.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Fashion and the Passion!!!

As usual, I again bumped into A and B in the local today and deliberately overheard their conversation -

A: Dude, how are you?

B: I am fine. Bloody idiots?

A: Easy dude easy. Never abuse a mob. What if it decides to pay back?

B: What mob. I am talking about last night.

A: Last night? You had an orgy?

B: Oho…you and your fetid jokes. Didn’t you see the match?

A: Yeah I did. We are out.

B: Terrible they are. Hopeless. All they are interested in posing for camera and earning billions.

A: Chill dude.

B: What chill? They should be brought back home and taught a proper lesson.

A: Well you prove it again. Cricket is not a passion for you. It’s just a fashion.

B: It’s a passion for you, huh?

A: Yes, it is.

B: So could you please elaborate on it?

A: Well what if they still reach semis?

B: Any chances to reach semis now?

A: Yeah there is a remote possibility.

B: What is that? I heard in news that it’s the end of road.

A: Well, if at least two of WI, ENG and SA plan to drop out of the tournament before semis.

B: Wow. And how is that going to happen?

A: If someone can make WI to believe that SA is being racists against them, as a protest they would withdraw unless adequate punishment is meted with.

B: And?

A: In cases of racism, sexual harassment and buying onions, you are guilty unless proven otherwise.

B: Huh!! Even if your failed attempt to incite humour actually becomes true, this team is full of bullshit and will crash in semis.

A: I have a way out for that too.

B: And what is that? India plays Pakistan in Semis and wins since they have never lost to them in a WC?

A: In fact Pakistan might refuse to play India protesting against India’s alleged move to isolate Pakistan from world cricket. But you know the real reason; they can’t even win a warm up match against us. Forget winning a semi final.

B: So India reaches finals, isn’t it?

A: Yes. And I hope you won’t be vying for their blood if they reach the finals.

B: Huh, you and your theories are as hopeless as our team. Its people like you who give these cricketers undue importance and they have their head in the sky. Whereas after last night’s loss, they should all be beheaded.

A: Dude, always try to look for the silver lining in even the darkest of clouds.

B: And where is this silver lining?

A: See, there is ample empirical evidence available to prove that there is an inverse correlation between our economy and performance of our cricket team.

B: As in?

A: If you follow cricket, you would remember that period just before 2001 was one of the worst our cricket ever faced. Match fixing scandal, do you remember?

B: Yeah. Even yesterday’s match was fixed.

A: Wait, let’s complete this angle then we will get into your tangle.

B: Okay.

A: It was around 2001 when IT bubble was paying millions for even writing an HTML code, right?

B: Okay.

A: We stopped Steve Waugh in 2001 on his last frontier. We did reasonably well at least till 2004 in cricket. At least we started winning test matches abroad.

B: Okay.

A: And it was 2001 when the bubble found out that even twin towers could crash, bubble was just a bubble. Economy was in bad shape for 2-3 years. Remember those days when finding a job was tougher than finding ways to make India reach semis in this tournament?

B: Yeah. Not until 2004 boom started again.

A: We lost to Australia at home. We lost a test series at home after 17 years in 2004. We lost the stream. We were winning here and there but not consistently. Guru Greg happened. Ganguly lost his place in the side and everyone assumed that Yuvraj would replace him. He turned out to be so awful that we had to get back Ganguly.

B: Yeah, that period is not worth remembering for cricket.

A: It was the very same period when people were talking that there would never be a bad time again in any economy. Property prices rose faster than the required run rate was increasing when Jadeja was stabilizing the innings last night.

B: Yeah, another bubble was about to explode.

A: Before that bubble could explode, we exploded out of WC 2007 in West Indies.

B: The worst night of my life.

A: Suddenly we won T20-WC in SA out of no where.

B: Yeah that was amazing.

A: And by the end of 2007 we started hearing that there is something called crisis which meant Uncle Sam’s children had eaten up too much but didn’t have any money to pay the bills. So they were ready to do what anyone would do if caught in such situation.

B: What?

A: Let their hands up and pants down.

B: So it’s because of India won T-20 WC?

A: No. I am just telling you the correlation. Since that world cup win, we have never looked back in cricket. Right?

B: And economy hasn’t looked forward.

A: Precisely. So when I ask you to find out the silver lining in the grey cloud, look at it this way.

B: Which way?

A: Given a choice, what would you prefer a better job or cricket?

B: Obviously, a better job.

A: See, it’s just a fashion for you. It’s just a fashion for people like you.

B: Huh…you foolhardy. It’s just because of people like…..

A: Shut up. It’s because of people like you. Why don’t you realize, it’s good to lose sometimes. And we aren’t so good that we would win every time.

B: But they are expected to….

A: Expected by? You right?

B: Well….

A: It’s not their fault that you expect them to win every time. Sometimes a loss makes you realize the brutal realities.

B: Like?

A: After this would cup, we have realized that our youngest left handed sensation who looked like becoming left handed Richards might well turned out to be a Vinod Kambli.

B: Who at one point of time looked like becoming a right handed Sachin.

A: Yes. Our best left handed batsman, who promises to become what he has been promising for last one decade, might just turn out to be another Adnan Sami.

B: Yeah, he is fast approaching there.

A: There are lot more realities which I hope we faced just in time.

B: Yeah. They must be…..

A: Chill. Wait for Ashes. It should be good contest this time.

B: Huh, who watches test cricket, people like you.

A: As I said, it’s a passion for me. It’s a fashion for you. You saw IPL.

B: Yeah. It was great. I loved the cheer leaders more than last time.

A: Good. Wait for it, just 10 more months to go.

B: Yeah.

A: And the best part of IPL is that it’s India who wins it every time.

B: But it’s a franchise team tournament.

A: Hehe, whatever it is. It’s India who has been and will be winning it. When you have world’s one of the best team’s one of the most promising fast bowler lashing out at its board because he couldn’t play for an Indian City’s team , winner can only be India.

B: Whatever you say, I hope they get better cheerleaders and weather is warmer than England when cheerleaders are covered in a blanket.

A: Amen.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Onions!!!



One good part of Mumbai locals is that you keep bumping into same set of strangers and follow up with their regular talks to get a peek-a-boo into their lives. Here is an excerpt of this conversation between these two gentlemen  who I had bumped into few months ago
A: Hey, how are you?
B: I am fine.

A: So how is the courtship period going?
B: Well, we broke up.
A: What? How?
B: Leave it Yaar. You tell me, how is life?

A: It’s terrible.
B: Why what happened?

A: Office.
B: Lay offs?
A: No Yaar, it’s the boss.
B: What happened to him?

A: It’s not him, it’s her.
B: Wow, you have a female boss?
A: Idiot, its not wow. It’s Bachao.
B: Oh, common. All females are soft hearted.

A: Its not heart but mind.
B: Hmmm…
A: May be some of them believe what Shekhar Kapoor said Seema Biswas believed in Bandit Queen.
B: What?

A: Revenge was her only desire.
B: Revenge? From?
A: We men.
B: Oh, come’ on.

A: Well….
B: Dude. This is too much venom inside. Spit it out. Rather puke it out.
A: Leave it.
B: No. Tell me.

A: You didn’t tell me your break up story. 
B: Okay, I will tell you after that.
A: Okay. Lets as assume I am her and you are me.
B: Okay.

A: Let’s assume that your assignment is to buy onions and deliver to office. Now keep answering my questions.
B: Okay.
         A: Did you get the onions.
         B: Yes.
A: Are you sure they are onions?
B: Yes they are.
A: Are they pink in colour?
B: Yes.
A: Can you peal them off?
B: Yes I can.
A: Did you peal some of them to see if these are really onions and someone has not wrapped around the normal onions cover over a stone?
B:  Well, may be I did.
A: You pealed off the onions?
B: Well, I did it a bit?
A: A bit is not enough to know if they are really onions.
B: Well….
A: How many did you peal off?
B: Just one.
A: How many onions are there?
B: I don’t know…
A: You bought the onions and don’t even know the count?
B: Well they are sold in from of Kilograms.
A: Still, you should have counted. If there are stones inside, it means they would be heavier. So you would get lesser onions per KG. Assuming they are all stones, actual onion covering would be even lesser.
B: But….
A: As the percentage of stones or fake onions decrease in the heap, onions covering per onion increase. So the risk of getting duped decreases.
B: But these are all onions.
A: How do you know? You have pealed off just one onion that too a bit.
B: But this type of looting is highly unlikely.
A: How do you know? When did you start buying onions?
B: Few years back.
A: I have spent my childhood in onion market.
B: But this would be height of cheating.
A: Believe me, you don’t how high is high. You are a small man anyhow.
B: Okay, I will go return the onions.
A: From where did buy the onions?
B: Pyaz Market.
A: Who sold it to you?
B: Some vendor.
A: Obviously you won’t buy it from a machine. What was his name?
B: I didn’t ask.
A: What, you didn’t even care to ask his name? What if he is a drug peddler? What if someone has taken your photo when you were buying from him?
B: I didn’t see anyone with camera there.
A: What if someone was doing a sting operation? Police might come and catch you and this organization would get a bad name. Have you taken an anticipatory bail.
B: What?
A: You just dealt with a drug peddler, someone has visual proof of you dealing with him, police is after you and you haven’t even taken an anticipatory bail?
B: But these are onions.
A: You don’t even know if these are onions. You haven’t even checked them. Go do it.
B: Okay.
A: Make sure you peal off each and every layer. Use fingers. Don’t bite and peal it off. If it’s a stone, put it in separate basket. If it’s an onion, put it in a separate basket. Do take the weight of onion covering over the stones and see what the covering/stone ratio is. And don’t forget to talk to a lawyer to get the anticipatory bail. May be you would like to read certain acts of IPC.
B: Okay.
A: So will you do it?
B: Yes.
A: I still see you sitting.
B: Okay, I am going.

Half an hour later…..

B: I checked it. They are all onions.
A: What else you expect from an onion shop? Onions, right.
B: But you….
A: I asked you to get some Potato’s. Where are they?
B: But onions….
A: No one cares about onions. Forget it.
B: Dude, now please don’t start criminal investigation for Potato buying and ask me to file a petition in supreme court to let onion vendors wrap potato’s in onion covering and sell.

A: Well, I have been asked to do exactly the same.
B: I thought of envying you. But now I pity you.
A: Well…BTW now your turn to puke it out.
B: Well it goes like this…………. (To be continued)
Standard Disclaimer: I overheard something quite close to this conversation and try to cook up some parts. Resemblance to any living or dead is not intentional at all. I have very high regards for other side of sexual divide. These thoughts about them are of those two gentlemen.