Continuing from first day at work, I tried to reach the office before morning meeting started but failed. I reached at 8:21 AM and the meeting had already started. Next day I reached at 8:15 but was late again. The meeting had already started.
I started wondering if these guys go home or sleep in that meeting room.
Or may be they, equipped with strong binoculars, keep stationed themselves at the top of 30-plus-story BSE building which is next to my office. As soon as I get down from the train at Churchgate, couple of kilometres from BSE, they spot me and start the meeting just to prove that I am an eternal late comer. My binoculars theory gained strength when I could not find any binoculars in the office. Every criminal hides his weapon after committing the crime, doesn’t he?
Joining this job has meant that I have gone for a profile change in my career and magnitude of this change is almost 180 degrees. At least this is what I have been told by everyone. So if earlier my job was to burp, now I am supposed to fart.
“If you were letting it out from your mouth earlier, I hope you know the release point in your current job. There is a huge difference.”
“Yeah but all I let out is gas no matter from where I let it out. So is it not the same?” I argued.
“It’s not important what you do. Things like who you are, how you do and where you do are more important.”
“In your career so far, you have never stuck to one place for more than two and half years. That is because you know this is long enough for people to recognize you. So you quit. After all it’s better than getting fired, isn’t it?”
“Well…” I grinned.
“Look at Royal Bengal Tiger. Has he quit KKR till now? Even though every time he goes out to bat, he makes sure his team reaches point of no return.”
“That is what I wonder” I asked.
“That is because if he is dropped or quits, owner may not get any returns. Hope you get what I mean.”
I understood it well and decided to fart more than I do, burp lot lesser than I do.
But switch has not been swift so far. I have moved from a credit analyst profile where I was made to believe that condom sales in Mumbai is going to shrink at unimaginable pace because the pace at which life is getting tougher in the city, people may not want to indulge in activities which require any sort of physical exertion. I have moved to equity analyst profile where I am made to believe that condom sales will zoom in Mumbai because people have realized the magnitude of population explosion city is facing and they would definitely like to keep a check on the same. Although I believe that both the theories defy logic but in capitalist world, only theory that doesn’t defy logic is – only the one who is paying you has the most logical theory, rest all is crap.
Every time I open a balance sheet of any company, first thing I check is schedule number 4 i.e. debt profile. It is like if you have been a ladies tailor all you life, no matter how attractive, sexy and hot female you come across, the first thing that will come to your mind is a measurement tape. On the contrary, first thing I am supposed to see is the stock price of a company. It is like no matter how fat, ugly and old female you come across, you have to use the measurement tape to find angles in her body which can make her look attractive, sexy and hot to others.
Every time I am asked P/E ratio of a stock (of a company), I end up replying net debt/EBIDTA ratio of the same company. It’s like just after your second marriage you are asked the name of your wife, and you end up telling him the name of your first wife. If you can imagine what might happen if you actually do so, you can very well imagine what happens with me in the office
Finally I foiled the conspiracy of my colleagues to prove that I am eternal late comer on day 4 when somehow the news reached them that I was coming 15 minutes prior to my usual time. They didn’t installed any snipers for me in BSE, hid the binoculars and some of them even reached after me to prove that everything was normal.
Week 3 starts tomorrow and I don’t know what awaits me. But let me tell you Mr. Week number 4, I am waiting for you. You will bring me my salary.