Sunday, March 21, 2010

First week at work!!!

Continuing from first day at work, I tried to reach the office before morning meeting started but failed. I reached at 8:21 AM and the meeting had already started. Next day I reached at 8:15 but was late again. The meeting had already started.

I started wondering if these guys go home or sleep in that meeting room.

Or may be they, equipped with strong binoculars, keep stationed themselves at the top of 30-plus-story BSE building which is next to my office. As soon as I get down from the train at Churchgate, couple of kilometres from BSE, they spot me and start the meeting just to prove that I am an eternal late comer. My binoculars theory gained strength when I could not find any binoculars in the office. Every criminal hides his weapon after committing the crime, doesn’t he?

Joining this job has meant that I have gone for a profile change in my career and magnitude of this change is almost 180 degrees. At least this is what I have been told by everyone. So if earlier my job was to burp, now I am supposed to fart.

“If you were letting it out from your mouth earlier, I hope you know the release point in your current job. There is a huge difference.”

“Yeah but all I let out is gas no matter from where I let it out. So is it not the same?” I argued.

“It’s not important what you do. Things like who you are, how you do and where you do are more important.”

“Means?”

“In your career so far, you have never stuck to one place for more than two and half years. That is because you know this is long enough for people to recognize you. So you quit. After all it’s better than getting fired, isn’t it?”

“Well…” I grinned.

“Look at Royal Bengal Tiger. Has he quit KKR till now? Even though every time he goes out to bat, he makes sure his team reaches point of no return.”

“That is what I wonder” I asked.

“That is because if he is dropped or quits, owner may not get any returns. Hope you get what I mean.”

I understood it well and decided to fart more than I do, burp lot lesser than I do.

But switch has not been swift so far. I have moved from a credit analyst profile where I was made to believe that condom sales in Mumbai is going to shrink at unimaginable pace because the pace at which life is getting tougher in the city, people may not want to indulge in activities which require any sort of physical exertion. I have moved to equity analyst profile where I am made to believe that condom sales will zoom in Mumbai because people have realized the magnitude of population explosion city is facing and they would definitely like to keep a check on the same. Although I believe that both the theories defy logic but in capitalist world, only theory that doesn’t defy logic is – only the one who is paying you has the most logical theory, rest all is crap.

Every time I open a balance sheet of any company, first thing I check is schedule number 4 i.e. debt profile. It is like if you have been a ladies tailor all you life, no matter how attractive, sexy and hot female you come across, the first thing that will come to your mind is a measurement tape. On the contrary, first thing I am supposed to see is the stock price of a company. It is like no matter how fat, ugly and old female you come across, you have to use the measurement tape to find angles in her body which can make her look attractive, sexy and hot to others.

Every time I am asked P/E ratio of a stock (of a company), I end up replying net debt/EBIDTA ratio of the same company. It’s like just after your second marriage you are asked the name of your wife, and you end up telling him the name of your first wife. If you can imagine what might happen if you actually do so, you can very well imagine what happens with me in the office

Finally I foiled the conspiracy of my colleagues to prove that I am eternal late comer on day 4 when somehow the news reached them that I was coming 15 minutes prior to my usual time. They didn’t installed any snipers for me in BSE, hid the binoculars and some of them even reached after me to prove that everything was normal.

Week 3 starts tomorrow and I don’t know what awaits me. But let me tell you Mr. Week number 4, I am waiting for you. You will bring me my salary.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

First Day at Work!!!

If there is one thing, apart from lot of other things, in life which I just hate then it has to be getting up early in the morning. So when I was quitting my last job to join the current one, I knew life was going to be a lot more difficult. There is a morning meeting every morning at 8:20 AM ever since Stock Exchange has started opening at 9:00 AM so that it gets more business. I salute the people who proposed it. We should start exchange at 6:00AM to match it with some other markets as well. That will make the city travel free because then everyone will have to stay in office itself.

To reach office at 8:15 AM, I had to wake up at 6:20 AM and start at 7:00 AM. The train which was supposed to take 50 minutes took 70 and I reached office at 8:30 AM.

Sharp.

The meeting had already started. I quietly made my entry into the meeting room and stood behind a pillar so that no one could notice me. To remain unnoticed has always been my forte.

They were discussing the proposed public offer of XYZ Ltd., the biggest seller of unused condoms in the country, and the possible listing price of their stock. Suddenly I was spotted behind the pillar and introduced to everyone. Introduction sounded something like – “Listen all. This is Mr. Airawat, the white elephant. We have imported him straight from the stable of Lord Indra. He has specialized in his hobby of watching condom ads right from his childhood. He knows anything and everything under the sun, packet and pants about condoms. His knowledge and experience about the subject is second to none. So let us hear what an expert has to say.” I was totally stumped. I have been watching condom ads but my expertise on the subject is as good as my Bharatnatyam. After a minute of “Aah”, “Well”, “Umm”, another enthusiastic gentleman jumped in with his analysis on the subject. I love such fellows. In a situation like this, they always arrive as saviours for mediocre mortals like me. Then it went on to future of condoms in India, export duty on them and things like that. This meant that the discussion was moving from its analytical terrain to generic heavens.

I got a chance to redeem myself with my input – “Out of our population of 1.2 billion, we have over 60% in the range which has/soon will have active basic instincts. Hence we will have to curb exports which can only be done by increasing export duty. It is not done yet because there is a strong lobby against it which wants Indians to outnumber other countries. But how long we can keep on producing babies?”

“Do you even know why the money is raised? There is a huge demand outside for tigers” yelled someone.

“But they don’t need condoms, do they? There are only 1411 left”

“It’s not the ones in our jungles. It’s for the ones in their cities.”

“They should start exporting the tigers in their cities to our jungles. This will cut their cost and increase our numbers from 1411.” I don’t think like you, anyone their understood anything that I said. But I ate up some airtime for sure.

Meeting soon got over.

Next few hours went on in formalities. Things were definitely not helped by the fact that Gtalk was banned in office. I was feeling like a fish out of water.

Post lunch, while trying to look busy I managed to damage the plug point of LAN cable. For next 4 hours, Helpdesk tried their best to repair it with not much avail. When I asked them about the problem, they blamed it on the rats in the office. Either I am too smart an offender or they were too gentle to name the real culprit. I assume it’s the former.

But if sitting in front of a computer which has no access to chat/community websites is like suffering from loose motions, it’s definitely not the worst. Your office computer with no network access feels like being miles away from toilet while suffering from loose motions. But then you get an excuse to officially do nothing that too officially. That’s what I did. The clock ticked 6 and I was off.

Hope to be in time on Monday.