Ladies and gentlemen!!! After a break of almost 3 months, I am back with the vengeance. Vengeance against no one in particular but against everyone I or you would have ever faced at the other end of the table. Communication or articulation has never been my forte. Hence I have always been with those who share the skill of lacking this skill set. I would have loved to write a book on this topic but knowing myself, I know this dream is also going to die like this. Hence I am going to make it see sunlight here and post on every possible channel – FB, orkut, Gtalk so that you at least click on the link. I am going to write my interview experiences. Some as true as death, rest as fanciful as life. Some as funny as I have ever been, rest as boring as I have never been. Some will be totally mine, rest…I have run out of my vocabulary here.
Like any kid born in India when Kerry Pecker was distributing Pajama to cricketers, I hit my teens when SRT was getting out of his. So I wanted to be a cricketer. I could not become one. And there it all started. All my life I could never become what I wanted to be. That is because I never knew what I wanted to be. I kept looking for what I wanted to be without much luck. Finally, after more than half a decade of unsuccessfully professional and professionally unsuccessful career, I came to know what I wanted to be.
I wanted to become a pole dancer.
A pole dancer. The mere image of me clad in pink VIP underwear, black stole wrapped around my neck, and my athletic body making women go run for cover became the dream of my life. Yes I wanted to be a pole dancer. So I started my hunt. Hunt to get a job as a pole dancer in a respectable pub, preferably an MNC.
So I made my CV and carpet bombed all the job sites, networking sites, consultants, my alumni and everyone I knew who had a relative’s relative working in a Pub. Thanks to my prior experience, I had learnt Mallakhamb which is the closest act I can think of as pole dance, I started getting loads of interview calls. I was thrilled. After all pole-dance was nothing but sexing up my education and prior experience a little bit.
First interview I faced was with Parsi Poonji Seemit(PPS). I reached their office 5 minutes before the schedule. The interviewer had yet not arrived.
And waited. I waited for 45 minutes before the manager of the pub PPS, arrived. It looked as if Pralaynath Gundaswami himself had arrived to interview me.
“Have you bought a copy of your CV?”
“No”, I answered.
“Why didn’t your consultant tell you to get a copy of your CV?”
“He did. But I don’t have a printer at home. I don’t like to use office resources for personal work”
“You could have taken a print out anywhere, even at an internet café” he roared.
“Would you have reimbursed that?” I thought.
“Anyways, by the time my secretary gets me a copy of your CV, tell me about yourself.” He ordered. He took out his fake Mont Blanc and got in position to write my Tell me about yourself.
I had spent 2 days making my CV but it was of no use. May be this fellow liked taking notes right from his childhood. 5 minutes of me telling him Tell me about yourself and he declared – “You are no match for this job. Your profile doesn’t fit here. You have never worked as a pole dancer”.
I enquired politely “If profile doesn’t fit, you would have read it on my CV. What was the need to call me?”
“Well it’s always better to meet someone than reading a piece of paper” he said.
“But…”, 45 minutes of waiting had followed by 5 minutes of Tell me about yourself and 2 minutes of his verdict. My CV was yet to be delivered on his table.
“What but? You do not have any fire. I don’t see hunger to succeed in you.”
“I don’t know why should I give you an opportunity?”
“ If you start dancing at my pub, ladies won’t even ask for a beer. You are a piece of shit. You are a piece of crap.”
Within 5 minutes, I felt worse than how MithunDa’s sister feels after getting raped. I was more clueless than Suresh Raina would have ever felt against Glen McGrath. I was more shocked than BahinJi would be if she comes to know that EC has changed SP’s symbol to an elephant. I was more embarrassed than you would ever be if while giving a presentation to a few hundreds, you realize that there are two red ants making love in your undergarments.
Final nail in the coffin came in form of, as soon as my CV was delivered at his desk, “You have never worked as a pole dancer. How will you work here?” he asked.
“Well I am not sure if you want someone to dance around the pole. But I am sure you want someone to dance on your pole. I am not the one for you” I was out as soon as my sentence was over.
I still see Paalaynath Gundaswami every day. I hope next time he lights his cigarette, it turns into a small pencil bomb.
To be continued…