Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Empowering the poor!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, within a few hours, we shall be marching ahead into the year 2015. 2015 will write new chapters in global economy, universal humanity and Suraj Badjatya’s new movie – Saare Vivaah Aise hi Hote Hain. Its 2015 when Sachin will play his last world cup, although we have been saying this for last 4 world cups. Shahid Afridi has announced that he will come out of his retirement in 2015 on the day he turns 30. 2015 is the year in which Rakhi Sawant will get married in Khataron ke Khiladi – 6. Government of India, seeing excessive load of population in Tihar, has announced to develop phase 3 of the prison. Mr. Suresh Kalmadi, given his experience and expertise, has been given the responsibility for this noble act. This year we shall complete the hat-trick of dodging the Mayan prophecy of doomsday. This year, 2015, promises a lot ladies and gentlemen. 2015 will also bring QE24 – the-once-in-a-decade event happening for 24th time in last 5 years. Entire universe is waiting for QE24. The opening ceremony for QE24 will be held in Wankhede Stadium and it would be organized by IPL managing committee.

I, Tracer Bullet, will be your host for the evening to discuss first QE of the year 2015. With us today, we have Miss Rosy Printer – the chairwoman of FED (Fraudulently Eating of Debt). Miss Rosy is here to enlighten us about FED’s plan for QE24. So let’s start to hear the mind behind the 24th occurrence of this world saving event – Miss. Rosy Printer.

TB – Hello Miss, how are you doing?
RP – Well, we are doing a bit differently than last time. We have decided to print it all in India.

TB- Oh that is great. Why this change of location?
RP – We have tried a few locations. We started with printing it all in US. But soon we realized that for every currency note printed, we need to give away two notes for social security. We found it hard to meet our costs. Hence we shifted it to China.

TB – And why are you shifting it from China to India now?
RP – Whatever they printed, they kept it all saying that it’s their money that we owe to them. Right now they have more US dollars than we have.

TB – So it will happen in India – to save costs and in hope of getting it back.
RP – Precisely. How very intelligent you are. That is the reason we value India so much.

TB – But what if Indians refuse to give it back to you. We aren’t the least corrupt nation in the world.
RP – Even if you do refuse to give it back, where will you keep it - with the banks in northern hemisphere? And you think you are going to get it back from there? How long people have been going on hunger strike demanding to get that money back?

TB- Err..
RP – Even if you don’t give it back to us, you are going to keep it with us or with the people like us. Our money will be safe either ways.

TB – But don’t you think printing too much money will reduce its value and kill its meaning?
RP – Is it? We are going to print it anyways. If you think it will reduce the value of your money, why don’t you donate whatever you have? I am willing to take it all. What is the use of holding onto a depreciating asset which is soon going to be meaningless?

TB – I didn’t mean it that way. But printing too much money will send the global inflation to moon, isn’t it?
RP – Won’t you be happy if inflation goes to the moon, marries Laika and happily stays there. I hope Laika is attractive enough at this age.

TB - My question was serious. I meant inflation will be uncontrollable.
RP – What is inflation? It’s a rising demand scenario resulting in a price hike. Hence one must keep pace with it. Those who keep pace with it will survive whereas rest will languish. Hence we are creating an extremely competitive scenario which will only accept the survival of the fittest. This will pose a challenge to our race – humans. We shall all improve, leaving behind the laggards. There shall be a whole lot which will be left behind. We plan to empower them in later editions of QE. We shall be a much improved breed.

TB – But commodity prices will sky-rocket.
RP – Oh my dear TB. Tell me how you define commodity – something any Tom, Dick and Harry can trade and that too in bulk? What is common between Tom Cruz, Dick Cheney and Harry Potter – they are all very special people. You cannot commoditize them. Problem is with the definition of term - commodity. I know you are referring to the prices of natural resources which are often known as commodity. Dear TB, they are gift from mother earth to all of us. Hence they should be treated as luxury as they all are precious, very precious. That is what we intend to do – make them so precious that only Tom, Dick and Harry can afford it.

TB – What about common people? What about the rest?
RP – Don’t you get the meaning of this exercise? We shall empower them. That is why we are printing money.

TB – But everything will still be pretty much out of their reach.
RP – We can only give them money to buy. Rest is not in our control. If they want prices to come down, they should stop buying. Don’t you know prices are a function of demand?

TB – So you will act as a socialist hidden behind the mask of a capitalist or vice versa?
RP – See, we are the most powerful nation. For ages we worked hard on our capitalist ways to reach the top. Now the time has come for us to bring others on equal footing with us. All we want to do is to strike balance between capitalism and socialism.

TB – You are confusing me?
RP – See, a socialist society ends like USSR. A capitalist lives a royal life like us.

TB – You mean like a parasite?
RP – I like your sense of humor. Haven’t you seen Dark Knight – If you don’t die as a hero, you live long enough to become a villain?

TB – So you feel vindicated. You think you have been unnecessarily being portrayed as a villain.
RP – Yes, you are right. For ages we have been blamed for empowering the rich – which meant us. Hence we have decided to empower the poor now. This will help people understand the nobility of our hearts. We are no villains. We are heroes who just don’t die.

TB – What about your currency losing its value?
RP – You are thinking like a pure capitalist. Think a bit like a socialist. For ages, our currency has been a dream for most of the world. You know people have died without even having looked at how a 100 USD note looks like. We don’t want to be that cruel. We want each and every human present on this planet to hold onto the most coveted piece of paper in this world. We want mass empowerment. For every man who could never see a 10 dollar note, we want his grand children to see a million dollar note. Don’t you see the phenomenal growth?

TB – You might well see a time when currency will just be a piece of paper. Next time you visit Mumbai, you might well see people eating Bhelpuri in the paper-pot made of a 100 dollar note.
RP – Ah, that will be a great day. George Washington was a great leader. Won’t he love to see an open mouth feasting on the food splattered on our great leader’s face to satiate a hungry stomach? His soul will be smiling cheek to cheek every time something like this happens. He may himself demand for some Bhelpuri. We must plant seeds of Bhelpuri near his grave. By the way, what is Bhelpuri? Can I get it in Wal-Mart?

TB - It’s an Indian fast food dish. You may find it a bit too spicy for your comfort.
RP – Oh India and its spices. That is the reason British came here. That is the reason I have come here, spices. I want to see spicy food being eaten up on our notes. That will strengthen the globe. That is our dream, world’s dream. Yes we can.

TB- Wow. So what is the plan of action now?
RP – Oh I have to rush now. I have to attend a meeting in FED’s office to chart out a plan for QE25.

TB – Thanks a lot. Ladies and gentlemen, we have had an enthralling session with Rosy. Atmosphere here is just electrifying and there is a buzz around the world. Now without taking too much of your time, let’s all welcome Q24. Let the show begin.

A helicopter showers US dollars in denominations of 10,000. The ceremony begins.

PS: Work of pure fiction cooked in my mind which has been absent for last few months.

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