Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Birth Dates!!!

I am a bit of a believer in horoscopes. I also believe in numerology. In addition to this, I also believe that tarot card readers can tell what you are going to get bitter gourd dinner if you had a tiff with your wife in the morning, stars do play a part in you getting relief every morning in toilets and there are unseen forces in this world which make you unknowingly dig your nose while you are standing in front of your eye candy who you fancy. There exists a force which is responsible for every action, inaction, interaction and transaction that happens in this world. Like men’s gaping eyes whenever they get even glimpse of a female’s you-know-what, this force remains uncontrollable.

So on this auspicious day when 39 years ago God reincarnated himself on this planet and blessed our beloved motherland, I decided to check some dates. My research confirmed my belief in the roles planets play in shaping our past, present and future.

Need I say more about the gentleman I am referring to? 24th of April may well be declared World Cricket Day in India because the man whose 100th 100 remains the most covered act by media since Uday Chopra’s retirement , Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was born on this day. Although Sachin must not have been very happy with Uday’s retirement because according to him, retiring on high is selfish. Uday was definitely on a high when he announced his retirement in some pub. Rumor has it that he had just finished his 13th peg of Old Monk, Uday I mean.

So I decided to check some dates. One of my relatives and a very close friend shares his birthday with Sachin. Like Sachin, he is doing wonderfully well in his profession and I pray from the bottom of my heart that he keeps doing it.

Best guess about Shakespeare’s date of birth is 23rd of April. Not surprising that these two legends were born around the same time. Who knows, their time of birth might have been separated by a few hours or few minutes.

Shakespeare died on 23rd of April. It is said that he was sick for almost a month before he died. Conventional wisdom says that his mind may not have been at his best because his sick health, as it normally does, would surely have decreased its immense capabilities. Just before 23rd of April, his literary genius mind must have come down to a level way below normal and closed to the levels of masala writers we see these days. Chetan Bhagat was born on 22nd of April.

Till the end of IPL season 4, MSD was considered to be the best thing to have happened to Indian cricket after the debacle of WC2007. His courage was applauded all over the country for not surrendering to Poonam Pandey’s threat of going nude in the event of India’s victory in WC11. Yes, it does need courage. Imagine your effort of winning the world cup being awarded by making you see a naked Poonam Pandey. What if she actually turns out to be a he? It would have been like definition of an unfortunate man’s life – Life is a punishment for once coming first among millions. MSD braved the fear and sealed it with a Six.

Jokes apart, MSD remains India’s second best captain I have seen in my 23 years of cricket viewing. The best captain was born a day after MSD. Yes. MSD’s and Dada’s birthdays are juxtaposed to each other – 7th and 8th July respectively. See, planetary motions prove that on those days, our planet gets rays from other planets which help in cultivating leadership skills. If I was Sybill Trelawney or Rameej Raza, I would have predicted that India’s next captain would be the one who was born on 6th of July.

6th December remains one of those days which changed modern India forever. For the benefit of those who may not be aware, please check it on internet. Nope. I am not talking about what happened in 1992. I am talking about what happened in 1988. Yes. Our beloved, only second Indian cricketer to be knighted by people of India, normally known as Sir RJ although now people are pushing it to Lord RJ, Ravindra Jadeja was born on 6th December 1988. Sir RJ is a legend. Few even believe that he wasn’t born but was dropped directly on this planet from God’s own closet. Only if he was born a decade ago, he would have been the first Indian cricketer to be knighted by the people of India. Interestingly, the first ever Indian cricketer to be knighted by the people of India, the living legends who is still living up his name, Sir Ajit Agarkar was born 2 days before Sir Jadeja i.e. 4th of December. The best part about Sir Ajit is, he hasn’t changed since last 14 years – still bowls at good pace, still bowls at least one boundary ball per over and still starts a new over with a wide. And whenever he is hit, which happens very frequently, he still gives that look to all of us - This is not my fault. This is cheating. I didn’t know that batsman he supposed to use the piece of wood for hitting the ball. Did I ever use it in Australia?

As they say, class is permanent.

So all you ladies and gentlemen looking to start a family, looking to bring a new life to this planet and hoping your newborn will turn out to be a multifaceted, multi-talented super hero without wearing his undergarments over his/her pants, I have given you a key to surest success. Alter your plans, reserve your energy, keep building your stamina and improve your health. The time to do it this year is gone. Wait for 2013 provided Mayans are proved to be wrong. Make sure your baby making activities are between Mid-February and Mid-April. Chances are high that you will be blessed with a son like Sir RJ or Sir Ajit.

Standard Disclaimer: Pun intended. No offence meant to anyone.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The lunch date that wasn't!!!

We all have played pranks at some point of time in our lives. Sometimes the target has been friends, sometimes family members. And sometimes we ourselves have fallen preys. I haven’t been any different. But I am no mood to tell when I have been a prey. I would rather tell you all when I was a hunter.

During my first job, while I was roaming around with a friend in the office campus when I saw my friend’s eyes almost popping out. His heartbeats sounded so loud that I thought someone was hammering the building. And he looked completely frozen.

“What happened? Did you respond to nature in your pants or what?” I wondered.

“Dude, do you see that girl?”

“Oh her? Yeah she is hot” and I saw a hot chic just passing us.

“Dude, she is X. She was my junior at school and I fancied her. Look at her skin dude. I am sure if you touch her, you will feel as if you have touched satin”

“Yeah like if I touch your skin, I will surely feel as if I have touched sand paper” I laughed.

But he didn’t. In fact he wasn’t even listening to me. He looked like being lost in X. Completely.

I am not sure if it still works but in those days, one could send messages to other systems in the network using “net send” if operating system was Windows-98. All one needed was IP address or network name of the target machine and he could chat with others.

“Do you know? She remembers me.” my friend told me during the lunch on next day.

“Who, your boss?” I said with a chuckle. His boss was a 5’10” tall, 100+kg and 000 on RGB scale.

“Nope dude. Don’t fall off your chair. I am talking about X”

“Oh damn. How do you know?”

“She sent me a message yesterday using net send. We have been chatting since morning. And yeah, we chatted for 3 hours yesterday too”

“Great. No doubt you look like feeling great”

“Yes no doubt. After all how many people are lucky to get a second chance to win their first love” he was beaming with confidence.

What my poor friend didn’t know that it wasn’t X who was sending him messages using net send. It was yours truly. My machine’s network name was ABCD1234. And there wasn’t a way to check out who did it belong to. At least my friend didn’t know or didn’t try to find out.Chat between my friend and X, which was me, went on for next couple of days.

There were several requests from him to meet over a cup of coffee, have lunch together or catch up in the evening. But I declined them all.But with each passing chat sessions, I could see his false hopes building taller every minute. I could see it in our chat sessions when I was behind the mask of X. I could see it in his talks whenever I met him as myself.

I had to end it.

But I didn’t want to simply tell it to him. I wanted to end it by having some fun.

So instead of him asking X out on 4th day of their chat, I made X ask him out. He looked thrilled in his chat messages. The time was fixed at 1:00 PM. Venue was fixed as the main canteen.

I went to my friend and asked “Lunch?”

“Not today. I am not feeling well” he replied while holding his stomach.

“All well?” I asked knowing the exact reason why he wasn’t feeling well.

“Yeah, just that I don’t feel like eating. You go ahead” he responded.

He very well knew that I never took my lunch in the main canteen. I always went out of the campus. So there was no way I could become a kabab mein haddi in his date. But this was totally unexpected. I didn’t think he would refuse going out with me for lunch. All I thought was that he would surely look uncomfortable while coming with me; I would let him know the truth and have a grand laugh at his face. But he forced me to change my plans.

Change I did.

I came down to main canteen and took my position hidden behind a pillar to see the drama unfold.

My friend came down. He was looking edgy. He was looking nervous. He was looking for someone.

Soon X came down. My friend started looking at X with an ear-to-ear smile on his face. He couldn’t take his eyes of her.

If someone keeps looking at you, you look back at him. So did X. But her looks said - Who the hell is he? And why the hell is he smiling at me? Buzz off you bugger. X kept walking and walked past my friend. My friend followed her.

Since I was also satiating the hunger of my stomach, I had to give up on food for my mischievous mind. Hunger comes first. Anything comes later.

Within few minutes; he came fuming to the canteen. I waived at him.

“How the hell you are here. You go out every day, don’t you?” he looked worried thinking that I might have seen his acts.

“Well I had to go out alone. So I thought of coming here” I smiled “But what happened to you. Your seem to have turned completely red”

“Nothing” he didn’t see me eye to eye.

After half an hour of poking, he opened his mouth.“These girls dude!!! God may have given a lot more than us, but he has surely not given them any brains” his anger was evident.

“What happened?”

“I have already told you about my chat with X”

“Yes. What about it? Did she tell you that you are like her brother?”

“That would have been much more digestible. We have been chatting for so many days, almost 8 hours a day. So many times I asked her out. She refused. Today she asked me out”

“God. Damn. It. It had to happen on the day when you aren’t well and don’t feel like eating. Sheer bad luck.” I tried to bring as much drama as possible in my phonetics.

“Well actually no. I refused going out with you because I had a date with X.”


“So? What so? I was waiting for her here. When she came, I looked at her. She looked back as if I am alien. She didn’t recognize me at all.”


“Then? What Then? I went running after her and reminded about our date”

“Cool. One brave fellow you are. What did she say?” I somehow saved myself from falling while laughing.

“She didn’t recognize me at all. When I went to speak to her she told me that she wasn’t interested in credit cards or any kind of loans.”

“What the hell? Didn’t you tell her about your chat sessions?”

“I did. She almost shouted at me saying she doesn’t even have access to a PC, how could she have chatted with a complete stranger. She even threatened me of complaining to HR if I didn’t leave immediately” the fear of HR action was all over his face.

“Why did you take such a big risk dude? Like all these days about your chat sessions, why didn’t you tell me about it that you were going for lunch with her?”

“What would you have done?”

“I would have told you not to go”

“And why is that Mr. LoveGuru”

“Because all these days it wasn’t her was chatting with you. It was me” my confession earned me loads of abuses, few kicks and an obligation to pay his lunch bill for next one week.