Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Coach is Sunny, Honey!!!

download This is a work of fiction.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Bakaiti Times, the epitome of sensational journalism. Like last time when we did a nationwide survey on Sir Jadeja’s selection in New Bombay, we are back with more sensational piece of news. Rumor has it that Sunny has been interviewed by BCCI to take over as Team India’s coach. No, it’s not Sunny G or Sunny Paaji. It’s Sunny Leone, the Sunny Leone.

To make some money, BCCI is looking to find a buyer for that interview. Ah, they never leave a chance to mint money. We have heard that Andhra Bank – much more to do with YOU in focus, Sony – Like no other, and Toyota Innova – All you desire, are the front runner to buy the video of this interview. However, you needn’t worry. Our journalists have, through their sting operation, obtained a copy of that video. We cannot provide you the video due to obvious reasons but here is the gist of the interview. An old cricketer from BCCI, Tracer Bullet interviewed her. Just to keep the name of the cricketer secret, we are referring him as BCCI.

TB:  Hello Mrs. Leone. Let me complement you first. You are looking gorgeous.

SL: Thanks a lot, TB. Do you like my top? I bought it especially for this interview.

Pointed towards the green top she was wearing.TB: Yes, yes. I like it. It’s bit a different to see you with a top, though.

SL: Thanks. We can begin.

TB: What do you think about the reasons for our failures?

SL: I have seen some of the matches. You cricketers look jaded. They look tired. They don’t seem to enjoy. This is where I will bring the difference. This is where I will be their light. I will make them enjoy. Look at your captain. He has such a stoic face. He needs to understand – everything is line is about expressing yourself. Look at my performances in the past – do I bear dead emotions? No I don’t. I express myself. The world sees that I am enjoying. The world enjoys with me. No matter what you do, you must enjoy your work like I do. Look at your future captain. He is more interested in mothers and sisters of opponent. They don’t matter. Cricket does. I will make him interested in me. I will make him interested in cricket.

TB: What will you do to improve the situation? Don’t you think for a team of men, a woman will be too soft for being a coach?

SL: Dude, let me tell you. I may look like a soft Barbie doll but I am no averse to getting things strict, getting things hard when needed. In fact, it has been my forte.

She kneeled down a bit while saying it.TB: Mrs. Leone, I know and I agree. Let’s focus on the interview please.

SL: As you wish.

TB: Our players don’t fail overseas. They don’t like green tops, bouncy pitches?

SL: Well, don’t you like my green top?

TB: Yes I do Mrs. Leone. But our players will love it if every ounce of greenery is removed.

He said with a wink.SL: Shall I? I am sure you would love the bounce too. Against the popular belief, Indians do love bounce.

TB: No, no Mrs. Leone. I didn’t mean that. Obviously I don’t mind that but since we are recording this interview to sell it as an educational video for youth of this country, we would like to keep this neat and clean.

SL: Well, I have done a lot for education of youth in this country and the rest of the world. But I do get your point.

TB: We have lost or swing bowlers and not many are in sight.

SL: Swing. Do you mean swing? Oh, I am an expert in swinging.

TB: I meant swing, Mrs. Leone. Swing.

SL: Yeah, yeah swing. In swing, out swing, I know it all. I will teach them all. I can and do swing both ways. You just don’t need to worry about this aspect.

TB: Team has lost the art of managing pressure.

SL: Don’t you worry. I will teach them how to get hard when there is pressure, how to give all you have and how to relax and go back to your cocoon when pressure is released. Don’t you worry, I will teach them how to come out that cocoon fast and get back to hardship.

TB: Fitness…

SL:

Cutting in between, this is one thing I would like to talk about. Just look at the coach you have – fat, old, unfit.

Standing up in Marlin Monroe style, look at me. This is called fitness – to have where you should and to not have where you shouldn’t. One needs to lead by example. I will be their example. One needs a reward to succeed. I will be their reward.

TB: Oh great. Even I have started thinking about making a comeback now. I am sure you will make me fitter.

SL: Sure TB.

TB: Our batsmen have lost their ability to score.

SL: Oh I can teach them that. I know they are all hard hitters.  Just that they’ve not been motivated enough to hit it hard. And you won’t get a better motivator than me. When I say HARDER, they will hit real hard – be rest assured. When I say FASTER, your bowlers will bowl faster.

TB: Too many hard hitters may be a problem in test cricket. We don’t take enough singles.

SL: That’s the problem with the social upbringing. See, India is a society built upon solid foundation called family. The moment a baby is born, people start talking about his marriage and babies. One just cannot remain single here. That’s the problem – you guys don’t believe in singles. I will teach them all – the importance of singles. I will teach each of them personally. “Single and ready to mingle” will become their motto. This will improve the team spirit to, don’t you think?

TB: Our tail is really a tail. It doesn’t wag anymore like it used to in our better days.

SL: Well, tails do wag in front of me. I know how to make them wag, TB.

TB: So you think you have an answer to all out problems and make us a champion team once again?

SL: Women can do wonders, TB. Don’t you remember how a women’s mere promise motivated your team to win the world cup. Imagine what I, Sunny Leone, can do. Do you have any more questions or we are done?

TB: What are your plans for the evening?

TB said with a wink.SL: Extremely sorry to disappoint you but I have already made my plans. I am going out with one of your players?

TB: What? My player? Why?

SL: Let’s just say, I have started the homework. I have started the exercise called team bonding.

TB: Who if I may ask?

SL: Oh it’s that cute chubby guy, the guy with dimples. I am forgetting his name.

TB: What? You are going out with him? HIM?

SL: Why not? He is so charming. I have heard that he was picked up in the side because of his charm. Let me find out if he has got any.

With this, the interview ended. But we have heard that after this interview, many ex cricketers have started planning to make a comeback. India may soon have problem of plenty. However, our readers needn’t worry.

Bakaiti Times will keep you posted.