Thursday, May 31, 2012

KP's FB wall after his retirement!!!

It's a work of fiction, profiles and page below are 100% fake.

Monday, May 28, 2012

IPL-2012, a Look-Back!!!

After two months, the tournament finally stopped to prowl and all we remember is the brawl. IPL2012 had his moments of cricketing brilliance, off-the field turbulence and Munaf Patel. It did see a few stars in the making, a few stars fading and a star invading – the ground.

A politician showed the way to Indian pacers – if it’s fast, it better be quick (a rapid fire quick fast ending in three hours). Dada did a KKR to PWI. KKR did a miracle. And ever since currency exchange rates have started favoring Ravindra Jadeja, message about the doomsday has become loud and clear.

So ladies and gentlemen, let’s look back. Let’s look back at those never ending two months and see how it all happened through my keyboard.

Pune Warriors India (PWI) – My support for PWI was not just because it’s a team belonging to my favorite city or my city of residence. It was because of the man leading them. Yes. Dada. PWI’s biggest strength was its leader – the best India has produced at least in modern times. Problem was, if you lead a cricket team, you need to play for it as well. If any team would have been benefitted most by the theory of a non playing captain, it was PWI. In Dada’s leadership, PWI started like India did in ICC Knockout trophy in 2002. In Dada’s leadership, PWI ended like KKR did in first three editions of IPL. As far as others are concerned – Steve Smith took a few tumbling catches, Dinda bowled a few good spells, Nehra kept evoking the famous question “Why Nehra” in almost every match and an ocean of Bollywood divas kept waiving team’s flag behind the owners.

Highlight of the season - But PWI’s and Dada’s biggest achievement came later in the tournament when Michael Clarke played for them. Tell me, how many Australian captains would have taken orders from an Indian? Maybe many but how many Australian captains would have taken orders from an Indian on their honeymoon?

Deccan Chargers (DC) – DC’s most consistent performer for the entire season was none other than Gayatri Reddy. She came to watch every match. She cheered for them in every match. She was there till the very end in every match. She jumped in joy with them, for them. She sulked in sorrow with them, for them. Her spirits didn’t drop. Her enthusiasm didn’t decrease. She kept the DC flag high and flying.

Oh by the way, DC did participate this year. Steyn gave some stupendous performances. His bowling was an exhibition to all those who love to see ball swing, seam and zip around.

Highlight of the season - But DC played a very crucial role in the tournament. Their party was over even before it could begin. Hence they decided to spoil some parties. RCB and RR would vouch for it.

Rajasthan Royals (RR) – I cannot vouch for if the tournament was all fair and square or not but I can vouch for one thing – whoever followed this year’s IPL, must have supported RR at least once. Such is the legend of the man – Ravindra Jadeja. We supported RR for showing the courage to let go Jadeja after 3rd season. And we hoped only if we can replicate this in our national side.

Sometimes strength can become a weakness. Maybe that is what happened with RR. At times their top order looked more interested in showcasing classical batting and it did cost them dearly. Not that I am complaining. I would prefer watching class of Rahul Dravid and artistry of Ajinkya Rahane rather than seeing Gayle’s sixes landing in Ulsoor Lake. Call me an orthodox if you want.

A weakness rarely becomes strength. When you have an express quick bowler in your lineup who is sure to give away at least 10 wides per match (5 normal and 5 through byes), vision of hopes does become blurred for you. When all the talks about his 200kph+ speed couldn’t stop Australia from losing a test match in Perth-2008, Shaun Tait announced his retirement from test cricket. When India knocked out Australia from WC11, Shaun Tait decided to retire from ODIs. I won’t be surprised to see him alongside Danny M in the next season of IPL.

Highlight of the season - In the end, RR won the award most suited to them – “Fair Play Award”. And world cricket couldn’t have found a better recipient than Rahul Dravid to receive the award.

Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) – Frankly speaking, I didn’t follow KXIP at all. If one leaves aside city-loyalty factor, the premises around which the tournament is built upon, only reason to follow a team could be your favorite cricketer. With KXIP, there were none. Adam Gilchrist didn’t play for the major part of the tournament. And I cannot recall anyone other than David Hussey as a well-known name in their side. Last season’s sensation, Valthaty, was well sorted out by everyone. Piyush Chawla repetitively showed us his best attribute as a cricketer – his dimples. Praveen Kumar remained invisible barring one match where he went for just 8 runs in his 4 overs.

Yes, some domestic talent did sizzle. Awana looked impressive. Mandeep Singh scored over 400 runs without; I am sure, even letting his own shadow know about it.

Highlight of the season - Highlight of the season for KXIP came when Adam Gilchrist stopped his owner from charging onto the ground. Hope someone informs Juhi Chawala that we are cricket fans. We have cried seeing Sachin charging onto the ground, getting mobbed by his own teammates, being lifted on their shoulders and given a lap of honor. On that night, we did shed the tears of joy. We don’t follow cricket to see film stars doing that, charging onto the ground I mean. We don’t want to shed tears of anguish.

Royal Challenger Bangalore (RCB) – Every year RCB comes charging on the shoulders of Chris Gayle. Every year he threatens to take it away singlehandedly. Every year he fails in one THAT game. THAT game becomes RCB’s last game. RCB’s threat to explode has always been bigger than anyone else. And they do explode – be it Gayle or AB de Villiers or Virat Kohli or as it happened this time – Mayank Agarwal. Unfortunately they implode too – normally in form of Vinay Kumar. If looks could transform into bowling performance, world cricket wouldn’t have seen a more lethal bowler than Zaheer Khan. Unfortunately in T20, his looks which seem to threaten more than his bowling. RCB implodes in form of Zaheer Khan too.

Playing half of their matches in Chinnaswamy Stadium means their bowlers have to contend with a small ground and a pitch which is a batting paradise. More often than not, RCB’s batsmen bail them out. But their final implosion comes in form of Gayle’s failure. They do it once. It happens to be their last.

Highlight of the season – Luke Pomersbach. Enough said.

Delhi Daredevils (DD) – DD truly reflected Delhi in 2012. First it bowed down to West Bengal. Then it was hammered by Tamil Nadu. They were all looking at the man at the top but he lost it all when it really mattered. Everyone ready to laud his bold leadership ended up ridiculing it like his bald head.

DD will give a tough fight to South Africa in ICC World Cups – both play like champions till the knockout stages and both have championed the art of getting knocked out after that.

Watching Sehwag bat was a treat. Watching Morkel bowl was a pleasure. Mahela Jayawardhane learnt that it’s not funny at all if you have Ajit Agarkar bowling for you. Ross Taylor finally realized that cover drive is a legitimate shot. And immortals of Venu achieved unimaginable height.

One of the two things most acceptably associated with Sehwag’s batting are – he plays his natural game. But his move to send Pavan Negi ahead of Ross Taylor looked more like responding to nature’s call. Second thing most widely associated with Sehwag’s batting is – the see the ball, hit the ball theory. I am sure he applied it to team selection as well – see the player, pick the player. Morkel must have been responding to nature’s call when Sehwag would have gone around picking his team. Andre Russell must have met him outside the toilet.

Highlight of the season – It actually never came. We all waited for Sehwag-Narine duel but Sehwag ensured that we kept waiting. Poor Narine will have to wait for the result of any spinner’s toughest test – the test against Sehwag.

Mumbai Indians (MI) – If DD is South Africa of IPL, MI must be England. They have done it all – knocked out in the initial rounds, been in top four and been the runners up. They have done everything apart from stopping Anu Malik from coming to the ground as MI supporter and singing dekho bearish ho rahi hai during the innings break. Rumor has it that everyone was in favor of awarding fair play award to MI after one of their cricketers slapped a future star of Kochi Tuskar Kerala. But Anu Malik’s curls changed the consensus.

Right from the start, MI has followed one simple philosophy – in God we trust, rest all is Munaf Patel. So if God fails, MI batsmen ASAP clear way for Munaf Patel. Recently, MI has adopted another very popular philosophy – whenever Sachin scores runs, his team loses.

These two different schools of thoughts made life difficult for MI. Now either Sachin had to go all the distance himself to win a match or make a good enough but not big enough contribution so that his team could win.

MI always rides big on Mallinga. Mallinga always gives his 100%. He treated this year’s eliminator like world cup final. Maybe that was a mistake. He was bowling to MS Dhoni.

Highlight of the season – Nope. It was not Munaf and Harbhajan teaming up against an umpire. It was not Sachin’s magic with the bat. It was not Mallinga’s toe crushing Yorkers. It was the fuel price hike which made the owners grin and it didn’t matter a bit that MI didn’t win.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK) – Colaba has many old buildings and almost all of them are disputed. If one goes by the ongoing rate, their price must be beyond human imagination. Those old buildings are extremely expensive. But the owners cannot derive any benefits from them, barring a meager rent of a few thousands, because disputed properties hardly find any buyers. They are actually worthless. An owner can only beat his chest saying “I own a property in Colaba” although deep down his heart, the owner knows the hollowness of his claim.

I don’t have access to CSK’s account books to tell whether they own any property in Colaba or not. But I do have access to their team sheet. The team sheet includes a name – Ravindra Jadeja. The moment CSK bought over Jadeja, they lost a loyal supporter in me.

CSK have been a master of MIMO – minimum input and maximum output. They have been like Australia of IPLs – they always come from nowhere and go the distance. Maybe color yellow has got to do something with it. I am also thinking of stuffing my wardrobe with yellow shirts, yellow trousers, yellow socks and yellow boots.

This must have been the worst season for CSK. To reach the knockout stage, they needed 3 results to go in their favor. Others capitulated. CSK capitalized. In the knock off stage – CSK exploded whereas others imploded.

In the final, they tamed KKR’s most dreaded weapons – Narine and Gambhir. But they didn’t have answers to other questions in the final exam. They met an “out of syllabus” Bisla. Rest is history.

Highlight of the season – Highlight of the season was their most expensive buy – Ravindra Jadeja. After Jadeja winning man of the match in one of the initial matches in the league stage, MSD seemed to have lost faith in Jadeja’s ability and regained faith in his own captaincy. For the last few crucial matches, he kept picking Jadeja as a batman who didn’t bat and as a bowler who didn’t bowl.

But in life, ladies and gentlemen, it’s easy to get away with a few bad decisions. A horrible decision does come to bite you when it matters most. Jadeja forgot the golden rule of never getting a South African out, especially if he belongs to 90s, in a run chase. Jadeja took Kallis’ catch which lifted choker’s curse from KKR. Rest is history and Ravindra Jadeja will always be a mystery to me.

KolKata Knight Riders (KKR) – In the final, I was supporting KKR. Maybe because I was bored of seeing men in yellow lifting the trophy again and again. Maybe because I have spent good part of my student life in Calcutta and I have a strong connection with the city.

But I am not sure if I will ever support them again. If SRK’s histrionics and wardrobe malfunction is the reward for supporting KKR, if SRK’s everlasting post match interviews are the price I need to pay for supporting KRK, I would rather support comeback of KTK. At least I can hope for seeing Santhakumaran Sreesanth in purple trousers and orange jersey. I am sure he will be sporting orange hair, wearing a fluorescent green cloak and wearing his undergarments above his pants.

KKR won because of some solid performances at the top of the order and Anajtha Mendis’ reincarnation in Sunil Narine. Gautam Gambhir became their Sachin, Kallis became their Kallis, Mccaullum became their Kaluvithrana, Bisla became their Valthaty, Balaji became their Madan Lal and Yusuf Pathan became their Ravindra Jadeja.

They kept getting some handy performances here and there too. Like Rajat Bhatiya who added a new variation to his repertoire – the seam up ball. Like Iqbal Abdulla who, along with Sakib-ul-hasan, gave everyone a feel that they were playing against Bangladesh – Bangladesh have just three kinds of bowlers in their attack, left arm spinners, left arm spinners and left arm spinners. Like Debpratim Das who ensured that the ghost of the one-match-wonder – Hrishikesh Kanitkar, lives on. Like Manoj Tiwary who may well retire with the record of being a batsman who scored a century in his last ODI.

Plus they were good in the field. All in all, they looked the best team in the tournament. The best team won.

Highlight of the season – Highlight of KKR’s season came after it all was over. It wasn’t SRK’s acts. It wasn’t Gauri Khan’s interviews. It wasn’t KKR winning the trophy. It was rebirth of Sachin. As GG said in the post match presentation “We did it for Balaji”, Balaji must be our new Sachin.

This brings us to the end of IPL-2012 review. Life will go on. Soon we shall all be supporting one common color – blue. Success will send us all to the moon. Failure will make us demand for our own cricketers. Demand for Sachin’s retirement will continue. Sachin will keep achieving new highs in his career and will say every time after doing so, “Retiring on high is selfish”.

A year will pass by before we may even blink and IPL-2013 will arrive – hopefully with reintroduction of KTK.

Well off course, this all holds good only if Mayans are proved wrong.

PS: Pun intended. Any sentiments hurt are deeply regretted.

Image courtesy: yahoo.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

CSK does it AGAIN!!!


Standard Disclaimer - It's a work of fiction. In case any sentiments hurt, its deeply regretted.

Friday, May 18, 2012

The Girl from Pakistan!!!

It was a typical morning. I was just saving my car from the numerous street hawks’ found riding the bike on the road. I was somehow managing to stay afloat on the road. The auto-rickshaws/tempos/buses were being driven on the roads as if Mayans had changed their deadline to a date closer to that day.

I was going to office. My Bollywood-90s collection was trying to cheer me up. It was a typical morning for me. I was totally oblivion to the fact that future had a unique experience for me in its store.

While I was about to take a turn, I saw a lady asking for lift – quite a normal phenomenon for the office goers. With public transport in the city being as good as Ra.One, we need to help each other out by way of carpooling or offering lift. And people do so here. It’s because the care.

So I stopped my car. She asked “Phase 2?”

“Nope, phase 1”

“Can you please drop me till Phase 1?”

“Sure.” I opened the door for her.

She asked me as soon as she sat “How much I need to pay you?”

“Nothing” I wondered why someone should be expected to pay for a lift.

“No. Please tell me how much should I pay you?”

“Well neither I am a cabbie not you are my passenger. You asked for a lift. I offered you a lift. Transaction closed, isn’t it?”

Call it my rude answer or why-should-strangers-talk-to-each-other phenomena, the only voice heard in the car for next few minutes was Udit Narayan’s – Aaye Ho Meri Zindagi Mein Tum Bahaar Banke, song.

She looked extremely sad. I even wondered if she was crying. After a few minutes of silence, I gathered the courage to ask “All well with you?”

“Yeah, all fine” she said.

By now the song had ended.

“So, how is life?” was a question which left me with teary eyes. No one asks me this question. Those who know me, they also know that my life is in a mess. Those who don’t know me simply don’t bother.

“Just surviving this ordeal called life” I said. My reply was followed by another prolonged silence.

“What are your hobbies?” out came the second stumper.

“Cricket. And yeah, I love to write” I wondered why would someone want to know my hobbies even before knowing my name.

“Oh you write. Nice. What all do you write?”

“Not much really - mostly cricket and humor. I have a blog”

“Good. You know, I recently read a book – My love story is the saddest.” She said. (The book name has been deliberately changed because I don’t want any other writer to get any publicity in my writing space. I am coming up with my own – “Greed and Fear”. Bless this poor soul to have a conviction, dedication and luck to complete it)

“Nope, I don’t read. I prefer writing. Anyways, how is it?”

And she went on and on about the book – how emotional it is, how heartless it is, how real it is, how unreal it is, how it made her laugh, how it made her cry. Not that I found the description interesting to start with but it soon crossed the boundaries of boredom.

I interrupted, “What is your name?”

“Bubbly”

“Tell me your real name and not pet name” I said.

“Bubbly is my real name” she said.

“Oh is it? You must be from UP, then?” normally people in my state carry such name. Remember Bunty aur Bubbly?

“Nope, I am from Pakistan” was her reply which almost forced me to pull all the brakes in my car. I was completely terrified by her answer.

“What???? Pakistan??? What the hell you are doing here then?” I was close to shouting.

“Don’t worry I am not a terrorist” she said with a smile.

“Oh yeah. And your name is also not Khan. What are you doing here?”

“Well, my parents are from Gujarat. But forefathers came from Pakistan”

“Thank god. But you did scare the hell out of me” her reply settled me down to some extent.

“Hehe. So where are you from?” she asked.

“I am from Germany”

“But you don’t look like a German” she wondered.

“Well my parents hail from UP. But I am told by them that I belong to the race called Aryans. I am also told by the historians that Aryans came from Germany. You can connect the dots I guess” my reply was more of a satire on the logic behind her comment about I-am-from-Pakistan.

This time the silence lasted for a smaller period of time.

“I think you must read that book” she said.

“What is there in that book that you are going all gaga about it?” how can a love-story book be good, leave aside being so good? I was wondering.

“Read and see it for yourself”

“Is it your story?” my question was expecting a reply in yes.

“Every fiction finds its genesis in reality, isn’t it? Hope you know what I mean”

“Okay Lady. Now please tell me what is there in this book or stop bragging about it” my patience was running out.

And she started. It was a typical love story – guy, girl, meeting, dating, mating, debating, separating and complete boredom emanating out of it.

More she talked, more pensive she became. Maybe she was dwelling into her past – why did he leave me, what would have happened if I had kept mum, what would have happened if I had shouted, why did I let him go.

More I heard, more scared I became. I was definitely thinking about the immediate future and past – why the hell did she ask me for lift, what would happen if she starts crying and people gather, what would happen if she actually turns out to be a ghost like Mallika Sherawat in Darna Mana Hai , why the hell did I offer her lift.

I have always believed in God. God does exist and I got the proof that day – just before she was about to break down and shell out tears, our destination came.

“The journey ends madam. It was pleasure serving you. Have a great day” I said and sped away.

That day I took a vow to never ever offer lift to a stranger especially if there is a gender mismatch.

So ladies and gentlemen, especially ladies, if you ever see an odd looking, bespectacled guy turning away from your direction even after he has seen your gesture for requesting a lift – that is me.

I will not oblige. Sincere apologies for being inhumanly rude but my psyche is marred by a scary incident in the past.

PS: Work of fiction. Resemblance to any living or dead is purely coincidental. Hope you know what I mean.

Monday, May 07, 2012

The Dashing Dudes from the Deadly Decade!!!

Ladies and gentlemen – one topic I cannot give up writing about, barring off course cricket is the decade in which I grew up, 90s. Not that I am a grown up old man raising both my eyebrows every time a chic passes by me in her mini skirt, I would rather enjoy her kindness. But 90s was the decade when my growing up period was most rampant. Hence this decade makes me nostalgic for multiple reasons. Here is one of them – the dashing dudes in that decade. Just to clarify that writing about dudes has got nothing to do with my “preferences” – part two will be about the dudes from the other side of gender divide or what they call them, the dudettes.


Saif Ali Khan – Dear ladies, before he charmed you over with his six packs, suave mannerisms, much improved dressing sense, impressed you with his acting as Langda Tyagi, bowled you over again with his rough and tough looks in Agent Vinod, Saif Ali Khan was THE chocolate boy of the country.

Having read all about Late Tiger Pataudi’s captaincy which infused self-confidence in Indian cricketers, I was always interested in seeing if the baton was passed on to the next generation. Hence when I heard that Tiger’s son’s genes were more a replica of Tiger’s wife’s than his own, I was a bit disappointed.

Anyhow, I decided to watch Saif’s debut movie – Aashiq Aawara, albeit more than two years after its release. And what a movie it turned out to be. Thanks to Mamata Kulkarni’s acts of proving her womanhood on the front page of Stardust, I knew right from the start of the movie that who the hero and heroine were. Some of my friend who didn’t have much interest in print media couldn’t avoid this confusion. Mamata did look more manly.

If the impressions Saif made in his first movie weren’t enough, the world came to a halt when he did ole ole in Yeh Dillagi. Initially the movie was seen as a piece of art trying to find the loopholes in the moral fiber of our society. It’s only when the producers made it clear that the love triangle shown in the movie among tall-dark-handsome Akshay Kumar, short-dark-handsome Kajol and mid-height-milky white-gorgeous Saif, had Kajol as its bone of contention, it achieved new heights of commercial success.

Such was Saif’s beauty, charm and gorgeousness that he was won over by the most handsome lady of the preceding decade. Alas, with Rahna hai tere dil mein, Saif decided to chuck away his cuter avatar and moved on to become an Amul’s Macho man. Coincidently the lady in his life, who was much older than him, also deserted Saif in his new avatar.

People say that Saif’s newly found love, which is quite younger than him, is an attempt to bring the average age of females in his life to his own age.

Mahesh Anand – Not many can give competition to the bodily fertility of a bear. Anil Kapoor comes close. And only person to have ever come even remotely close to Anil Kapoor when body’s ability to grow hair on it is concerned, it’s got to be the giant of the decade – Mahesh Anand. Let me confess – inspiration for this post was that poster of his block-busted movie - Sasti Dulhan Mahenga Dulha. I would request all of you to chuck away with all the lazy bones, open google images and insert the name of this movie in the search box. I shall give up writing if the results don’t amuse you.

Mahesh had all the ingredients of becoming a super-star – he was taller than Amitabh Bacchan, was much better in physique than Guddi Maruti, had a hairier chest than Anil Kapoor, his broom like moustache inspired Rowling to write a wizardry fiction. To add to this, Mahesh could dance and dance well. I mean he could move his body.

Alas the entire armory in his repertoire couldn’t make him a star. But Mahesh kept fighting. First he fought the villains. Then he fought the heroes. Then he fought hero’s friends. Last heard, he was fighting with Mumbai Police in Versova
Deepak Tijori – Before Karan Johar confused the entire country with the fact that love can be taken up for friendship and vice versa, Deepak Tijori solely and wholly owned the word friendship and world of friendship in bollywood. He would often come between villain’s bloodthirsty knife and hero’s constipated stomach to make the ultimate sacrifice. With his fragile frame, Ruud Gullit hairstyle and a smile which perfectly suited for any role in the movie Planet of the Apes, Deepak soon became heartthrob of all those who had taken huge loan from their friends. They all prayed to god – please make all my friends like him and call them back.

But as KjO and the ilk started making movies which blurred the line between friendship and love, Deepak’s chances started diminishing. In such times, friendship was meant to be love and not taking full impulse of villain’s knife in your stomach.

Deepak did make a comeback, with six pack abs, in Ghulam. And he did take his revenge this time. Instead of sacrificing his life, he saved hero’s life this time. Alas, he still lost to Aamir Khan in a race – like he did so many years ago in JJWS.

Hemant Birje – India had never seen such masculinity till everyone saw The Adventures of Tarzon. With his built of wrought iron scrap, Hemant Birje must have left the Tarzon agape in awe. The Adventures of Tarzon is one of the movies any movie buff must not miss.

Nope. Not for those reasons I am saying so. Watch it for its art, the fart and a proof of how intelligentsia from a mind can totally depart. Probably India wasn’t ready for such manhood – we all were in awe of Aamir Khan or the likes. Probably India wasn’t ready for male nudity – we all were truly male chauvinists. Perhaps India wasn’t ready for Hemant Birje.

But he made his mark in Commando – the epic Mithun movie. He made his mark in Veerana – the epic horror movie. He made his mark Divine Lovers – the epic you-know-what movie, the best I have seen.

Once he couldn’t succeed as a hero, Hemant Birje was almost finished. He couldn’t have acted as a villain as none of the heroes could match even half his size. He couldn’t have acted as a hero’s friend like Deepak Tijori as villains knives would fail to enter his rock solid stomach. He could surely not become a comedian. Hence he lost his way into oblivion.

Tariq Shah – I shall be thankful to Tariq for the rest of my life. In fact we should all be. His movie gave us the song which was THE song of the decade. The song holds the record for maximum number of appearance on Chitrahaar and Rangoli, both put together. Yes, the song beats Baar Baar Dekho from Chinatown, hands down. Thank you Tariq for giving us the movie Bahaar Aane Tak which had the epic song - Kaali teri chhoti hai paraanada tera laalni

It was extremely hard for me to stop writing the entire song. Once I am reminded of the first line, I just cannot stop singing it till its completion. Yes, I remember it and remember it quite well. After all how can you forget the song which has words like -

Mar mitne ki tune baat kaise sochi, baat kaise sochi, baat kaise sochi (How the hell did you think of dying and rubbing? How the hell did you think of? How the hell did you think of?)

Na tu mera mahi, na mera padosi, na mera padosi, na mera padosi (Neither you are my MS Dhoni, nor are you my neighbor, nor are you my neighbor, nor are you my neighbor)

The movie also featured another dude, Sumeet Saigal who was poor man’s Chunky Pandey who himself made his debut in Aag hi Aag because the producers couldn’t sign Govinda. The movie also featured the dusky bong bombshell Rupa Ganguly aka Dropadi.

If the song wasn’t enough, the scenes post the song made us watch it till the end in hope that the scene would be shown. One out of ten times, DD obliged us.

Tariq, ladies and gentlemen, was poor man’s Subhash Ghai – an actor turned director. Well it was true only if you don’t count Subhash Ghai’s career between Kalicharan and Yaadein. Maybe you can count Yaadein. Bahaar Aane Tak was surely better than Yaadein.

Javed Khan – Every Ramsay Brothers’ movie had an evil ghost. The evil ghost always lived in a bhoot bungalow. All the bungalows had a guard who would walk around with a lantern which was so dim lit that one could never see the guard’s face. All Ramsay brothers’ movie had a scene where heroine would be bathing somewhere in the dark and would be exorcised by the evil ghost. She would then be saved by Javed Khan. All Ramsay Brothers’ movie had Javed Khan in it.

Javed Khan was the man for horror movies – he would be the romantic macho singing songs while romancing with a healthy female, fight a man-to-man battle with the ghosts, act as an expert helping souls achieve nirvana and never ever die.

If Amitabh Bacchan is the biggest superstar of Bollywood, if Sachin Tendulkar is the greatest Indian cricketer ever, if Poonam Pandey is the biggest beneficiary of India’s world cup win, Javed Khan was the best thing to have happened to horror movies. Especially with the muscular Sripriya acting in most of the movies as protagonist’s love interest, Javed Khan’s looks ensured that there was something worth looking at the screen.

Well, the list is still not finished. But it is endless too.

I shall soon comeback with the list on the other side of gender divide.

And for those who think Saif Ali Khan’s selection is baffling, please go watch Aashiq Aawara which featured the real Saif.

The real Saif disappeared by the end of 90s.

Current one is a cosmetic magnification of its predecessor.

PS: An attempt at humor hoping you would find some sense in it. Any sentiments hurt are deeply regretted.



Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Harry Potter and the Ministry of Magic!!!



Somewhere in London, around 1:00AM, in a 3bhk flat, Harry Potter was sipping third peg of his Jack Denials. He looked back at his bed to see Ginny sleeping with a smile on her face. For a moment he imagined Cho in place of Ginny and immediately chucked away the thought.

We have been married for so long. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. Harry told himself.
“Harry. Harry” he heard someone calling his name. The voice looked extremely familiar although he couldn’t recall it. Harry turned to the fireplace and got a shock.
“Blimey. Professor, what the hell you are doing here?” he asked professor Dumbledore’s face which was peeping out of the fire.
“I just came to meet you Harry?” said Professor Dumbledore.
“Meet me? From the dead? I think that idiot again sold me some homemade liquor in the name of JD” Harry said.
“Nope Harry. It’s me. It’s really me” said Dumbledore while lifting Harry from his chair and putting him back again – just to show that Harry wasn’t imagining.
“Damn. I will sue that shopkeeper. This isn’t JD. This is hooch” Harry said.
“Oh Harry. Believe me. It’s me” said Dumbledore and threw a piece of burning coal near Harry.
“Ouch!!!” the heat immediately made Harry realize that it was for real “You are back from dead? Are you really or it’s all happening inside my mind”
“Oh Harry!!! Of course it’s happening inside your head but that doesn’t mean it’s not….”
“Cut the crap Professor. What do you want?” Harry didn’t allow him to complete the sentence.
“I am here to discuss something very important Harry”
“Is it so important that you are making me see a ghost? Whatever it is professor, make it fast. I don’t want Ginny to see me talking to you. I mean your ghost. I mean whatever”
“What? Ginny is here. Oh I can see her. Wake her up Harry. It’s always pleasure to meet a Weasley” Dumbledore said while smiling at Ginny who was fast asleep.
“Shut up professor. If Ginny sees you here, you might well have me as your company in your grave”
“Why?” Dumbledore said while wondering why Ginny would disapprove her beloved headmaster’s ghost’s presence.
Ever since Rowling told everyone about you being a gay , Ginny has developed hatred towards you. She has serious doubts on the relationship we have had. I mean you and me” Harry explained.
“But Harry..”
“What but Harry? No self-respecting wife would like her husband’s proximity with a male who is a gay, Professor. Proximity with another female might be disapproved with strictness but proximity with you is a punishable offence”
“Why is that Harry? She can accept your closeness to a female but not me?”
“Because if I am close to a female, let’s say Cho – it is like throwing a challenge to Ginny. All women have a common art to lure men. Just that some know it better than the rest. But with a male, let’s say you; she can’t even compete because the playing ground is totally different”
“Ohhhhh” said Dumbledore with a deep breath.
“Stop it Professor. It sounds as if you are moaning. Come to the point please, will you”
“Okay. I have heard that they have offered you a post, an honorable one, in the ministry of magic and you have accepted it.”
“Yes they have. It’s a huge honor. I am so proud on this achievement of mine” said a beaming Harry.
“But why Harry, why?”
“What do you mean by why? I am the best wizard ever seen. I even won the Quiditch world cup last year. If the ministry wants to reward me for all I have achieved in life, I am entitled to oblige them”
“But Harry, being in ministry is nothing about wizardry. Politicians sit in the ministry, not wizards. You are a great wizard Harry, probably the greatest ever. I have no doubts about it. But you are no politician Harry”
“What do you mean by that Professor? I will do my job with utmost honesty and rest will follow automatically. As far as politics is concerned, I know a bit about it”
“That is the difference Harry. Doing your job honestly isn’t enough in politics. In fact more often than not, you end up not only stalling your own job but also not letting ministry do their job. And what do you know about politics. Have you ever taken publically a stand on any issue? You have been busy teaching Cho’s husband about Confendus charm or how to make that Malfoy boy Stufly when he is flirting with Ginny”
How the hell he knows about that Malfoy thing. I seriously think they are having an affair, Ginny and Draco. Else why would Ginny get her “headaches” so often and for all I know, there is nothing in her head to give an ache. The thought struck Harry’s mind. “Well I did take a stand. During the London riots last year when the looting was going all around, my shop was also looted. When asked by the media about it I told them – I am a Londoner and a very proud Londoner. But as far as my shop is concerned, it belongs to me and no one else”.
“And an ex-minister from the minister publically asked you to shut up and focus on wizardry” replied Dumbledore.
“Well…”
“What well Harry? What well? It’s politics. Stay away from it.”
“Well old man, I am close to my retirement. I may tell the world that I will go on as long as I want but deep down I know, I am about to give up. I need a post-retirement plan for my future”
“You can do a whole lot of things Harry. Become a coach. If you want, I can use my contacts to get you a commentator’s job in All England Quiditch League. Like Ron, you can do a great job there”
“Nope professor, I want to be in the ministry. See, I am too good to be a coach. My voice isn’t suited for doing commentary. I better sit in the ministry of magic. Ministry is the place for me.”
“But don’t forget Harry, when in ministry, you will no longer be seen as a wizard, the wizard. You will be seen as a politician. These two are vastly different”
“What difference professor? I will work in the ministry as selflessly as I have worked all these years as a wizard” argued Harry.
“There is a difference Harry, there is a difference. When you were a wizard, you were a maverick fighting a battle against the dark forces, white forces, and brown forces. People ignored your little selfish acts in the name of your heroism”
“I never acted selfishly professor. Never” Harry abruptly ended Dumbledore’s argument.
“Well Harry, no matter what you think, you are never smart enough to fool everyone. Do you think everyone ignored your acts in THAT Quiditch match when you were trying to score your 100th goal? You didn’t let anyone else score because you wanted to get to the 100th and ended up being on the losing side” Dumbledore was famous for choosing his words and choosing them wisely. Seeing Harry speechless against his argument, Dumbledore continued “But when you are wearing a politician’s cap, such acts will not be ignored. In fact such acts will be magnified by your foes and more so by your friends”
“But professor, I am Harry Potter, the Harry Potter. Everyone knows I am the chosen one. They don’t love me, they adore me. They know it all about my integrity and honesty. They will all expect me to be a clean politician and that is what I shall be”
“Politics is never clean Harry. It’s always dirty. You should either have it in your blood or learn the traits while flourishing in the dirt. You don’t possess the former quality. For later, you will burn your hands Harry. Don’t take politics lightly. It has the capacity to burn you down to ashes.”
“But they all…” Harry tried to argue.
“They all what, Harry? For them, you are The Harry Potter. You are greater than the greatest. You are holier than the holiest. One mistake and it will all be gone. They will be willing to forgive a lesser mortal because he is nobody in their eyes. But you are Harry Potter.” said Dumbledore to a silent Harry “Remember Harry. A clean, white and shining white cloth with a small black spot looks dirtier than an actually dirty cloth. You are the best everyone has seen in three generations Harry. A miniscule blemish will make you look lot dirtier.”
“Okay professor. I shall give it some consideration. But look at it this way professor. This will give me a challenge worth looking forward in life. Ever since I finished Lord Voldemort, I haven’t had any challenge in my life” said a serious looking Harry.
“Shhhh…Harry. Don’t take his name? He is back” Dumbledore had never looked so scared.
“Whose name, professor? Who is back?” said a puzzled Harry.
“The Lord You-Know-Who is back Harry”
“Professor. I killed him myself. How can he come back? And since when you started fearing him so much that you can’t even take his name?”
“Yes, Harry. He is back. And he has come back much stronger this time. He is strong enough to put fear in the strongest of minds Harry, even mine.”
“What? He is back? Where?”
“Right not he is in his country Harry – that Frodo look alike, short, curly haired guy lives in Miss Patil’s country. Lord you-know-who is there Harry”
“India. What the hell is he doing there professor?”
“I am not sure Harry but my sources tell me that he has been playing in IPL for CSK. Oh Harry, looks like Ginny is about to wake up. I better go. You must take good care of yourself, Harry. And do keep yourself updated about the Lord you-know-who” said Dumbledore and gone was he.
Harry switched his TV on. On one of the channels they were showing an IPL match involving CSK. He saw a curly haired, left arm spinner jumping in air and banging his head towards right after getting opposition’s opener’s wicket with score line reading 190/1 in 15 overs.
A cold wave went through Harry’s spine. He started shivering. He started sweating. He looked completely aghast. This was surely Lord you-know-who. HE had really come back.
“Harry? What’s the matter with you? Are you feeling alright?” said Ginny who had just woken up.
“Pack our stuff Ginny. We are going to shift to our atom-bomb-safe bunker. We need to do it immediately” said a worried looking Harry.
“Why Harry? What’s wrong?” asked Ginny who was still half asleep.
“Lord you-know-who is back. And he is back stronger than ever” was Harry’s reply.
PS 1: Credit to Rowling for you-know-what.
PS2: Work of fiction. Resemblance to any living or dead is unintentional.