Michael Clarke – Write “Lara” on the ball and bowl an in-swinger to Clarke. He will let it go and get bowled. In fact, BCCI should nave this series as “Lara Trophy”. That will guarantee an Indian win as long as Clarke is leading Australia because Clarke believes in giving up on Lara as soon as it becomes slightly elusive.
Phillip Hughes – Shave off Ishant Sharma’s head and nick name him as “Martin”. As soon as Ishant bowls to Hughes, Hughes will surely find a Guptill in the field and lob him a catch. In fact Harbhajan can be named as Guptill for the mysterious injuries he carries sometime – like the one happened in England in 2011.
Virat Kohli – Virat doesn't score anyhow in a series unless it is the last match. So wait till the last match and tell him just before it “BCCI and CA have planned one more match after this”. That will do.
Moises Henriques – Simply ask him- “Are you the same player who used to play for KKR? You played under Ganguly or was it McCullum? Was your coach Buchannan?” Such was the legend of KKR in those days that Moises would prefer using his hands to hide his face than holding the bat. Oh BTW, was he part of the KKR which lifted the IPL trophy? Ask him about the celebrations in Eden. That will do.
Shane Watson – Just tell him that the man who elbowed him in 2008 is from Delhi, the Delhi. By now Watson would have heard all about Delhi by now. I am sure Watson will rush back to the pavilion and from there to the airport.
Virendra Sehwag – Nothing needed, not even bowlers. Sehwag will find a way to get himself out.
Sachin Tendulkar – Tell him that while his test average stands at 54.32 right now, it is not far from his buddy – Vinod Kambli’s test average of 54.20. Forget getting out, Sachin may announce his retirement. I am sure that after 23 years of such high class batting, he would not like to get indulged in the talk mentioned below
Sachin – “I played for 24 years, scored over 30,000 runs, 100 centuries, own a bungalow in Bandra, have sold a Ferrari and now I am an MP now. What have you got?”
Kambli – “Test average which is higher than yours”
R Ashwin – I am not too sure about Ashwin but I know how to get his partners out. Whoever is going to bat with Ashwin, just tell him - “We have told him that in cricket, you CAN take a second run”. Obviously, Ashwin will never take a second run and the purpose will be served.
Nathan Lyon – Tell him that given the skills he has, his only chance of making it into an IPL side can come as a curator and MSD loves curators. I am sure he will do whatever is required for the sake of greener pastures. Oh yes, if he manages to make it to CSK – do tell him that MSD doesn’t like a green pasture.
MS Dhoni – One doesn’t need to worry about him. Simply, for the formality sake, tell him that this is test cricket and not ODIs and MSD will oblige. It is in ODIs where he doesn't get out. Maybe MSD doesn't know that if one remains not out in a test innings, it also boosts his averages.
SIR Jadeja – Nothing is going to help. Let him score his customary triple hundred. In case SIR is in kind mood, he can oblige you with his wicket after scoring a triple ton.
PS: Work of fiction.