The Shopping and its Potentials!!!
In
2005 Nicholas Cage movie “Lord of War”, he plays an arms dealer known
as Yuri. For a few days, his brother Vitaly helps him as a business
partner.
Yuri’s biggest competitor is Simeon Weisz whereas his most prominent
customer is Andre Baptiste Sr. All this while; an Interpol agent, Jack
Valentine, chases Yuri.
No,
this is not the review of the movie. This is something else. In case
you have not noticed, all the names I have mentioned have been of
different
men. Yuri sells arms of different variety to the different warzones
across the globe. All his suppliers are men. All his buyers are men. The
world is shown to be headed towards an end where only arms dealers
would win and everyone would lose.
Now
think about it. Consider men in the above scenario are replacing by
women, entirely. Even hypothetically, but assume it happens.
I
strongly believe that if the business of arms dealing, both buyers and
suppliers, is taken over by women, we shall achieve a stage of complete
global peace and harmony. Because by the time women decide which guns
to buy or which hand grenades to sell, decades would pass and people in
different warzones would yawn their way to peace. Yes, it would be the
case.
First
of all, with change in customer profile, the product profile would also
change. No longer would you be getting an AK47 in only black color.
AK47, pretty much like Sony Vaio, would be sold in different shades of
pink and other colors with an option to change its color as the user
changes the nail paint. Hand grenades would be sold covered in different
fabrics like cotton, satin or
Bandhej. Oh yes, you would also find frills of different kinds around it. Revolvers would have to match the different kind of earrings.
Even
the selling pitches would change. People would no longer say “Buy this
gun, muzzle is awesome, never jams, shoots till five kilometers and
kills the target even if you are shooting out of sand”.
The selling pitches would be like “Bhabhiji, yeh naya pink aaya hai AK56 ka. Aapki Chunni ke sath bahut jamega”.
(Sister in law, this is the new pink of AK56. This will go well with your scarf).
Although this may meet a response like this, “Chal hat nikhattu, meri saas ke paas bhi aisi hi AK56 hai. Kuch naye fashion ka dikha, waisa jaisa
Aishwaryane pehna tha us movie mein, hum gun de chuke sanam” (Get
lost you useless fellow. Even my mother in law has such AK56. Show me
something of new fashion, as the one Aishwarya wore in the movie “We
have given the gun, my beloved”)
Shopping,
ladies and gentlemen, is something no women cannot do without. Ladies
will accept this fact with pride and Gentlemen with pain. But both
will accept it nonetheless.
No
offence meant but I think if you ask a woman to choose between
constipation and a period of no shopping, they would choose the former.
It is
one topic that would have consumed more ink than Rajnikanth’s larger
than life image, more airtime than SIR Jadeja’s command over the
universe and more space than Sunny Leone’s you-know-what. Yet, we can
still talk at length about it.
If
you ask ten women what did they over the weekend, nine would reply with
one word – shopping. Women’s replying in one word itself is an event
rarer than a Rohit Sharma century. Oh by the way, the tenth women would
crib that her monster husband took her out for shopping for just one of
the two days. Nine out of ten times, you would be that monster husband.
There must have been plethora of books explaining
probability but I wonder if anyone of them has this as an example to
explain one of the most obscure topics in mathematics – probability.
There
is a difference between how men shop and how women do. Men are bad
buyers. If a man has to buy a shirt, he would go to the shop, buy it and
come back. Being morons they always are, they knock off the most
enjoyable act for the other side of gender divide in just three steps,
three useless steps.
Women are different. They are intelligent buyers.
Why?
Tell
me my fellow men; do you think if that Rs. 3,000/- color plus shirt is
actually worth that much? No, it is not. The cost includes the rent
of the garment shop in that gigantic mall, the electricity bill, the
salaries and other overheads. Do you ensure if there is a way to recover
that cost? No, you do not. You just do not.
Here
is how shopping skills of women comes to fore. They are excellent in
recovering costs. Even if they have to buy a Cadbury silk, they would
ask the shopkeeper to show all the chocolates they have. They would
check with him if it were possible to taste before swiping the card.
They would see the texture, the color and how it has been packed. They
would like to know the history of the chocolate,
the shop, if they do home delivery, if they took bulk orders for their
birthday (the birthday would be 6 months away), if any discount was
available and after checking all this, they would turn towards you,
smile and say “Have you made the payment?”. If one
could calculate the cost of time spent in all this, it surely would
have exceeded the cost of the chocolate.
Sale
is another word that drives women. If Pied Piper of Hamelin was given
the job of driving women out of Hamelin, he wouldn’t have needed a magic
pipe to play. All he would have done was to open a shop, put a large
placard in front of it with a four-letter word SALE. All the women in
Hamelin would have been driven out by the mere smell of it.
No
matter what they say, women are fascinated by mathematics or to be
précises, % dynamics. For them, a 20% sale is good, 30% sale is great
and
50% sale is absolute heaven. If there are things written in an
unreadable font with an astrix, they prefer ignoring it. God has blessed
them with eyes, which look at this world on a relative scale so they do
not look for absolute prices. For them, a Rs. 1,000/-
shirt is good but if the same shirt is sold at Rs 3,000/- with 50%
discount on it, it is even better. It is the feeling of making a steal
that matters and not the steal.
Mind
you, they are the pioneers of Keynesian theory. They have the power to
drive the consumption in the economy and bail it out of any trouble.
For the small matters of paying for driving the consumption, men can
worry about it. Useless creatures that men are, they ought to do
something to earn their right to breathe after all.
To
all the economists striving hard to bring this world out of recession,
here is my simple solution. Most economies are driven by consumption
theory.
Hence, if we can put up boards of SALE everywhere, suddenly everything
will find a demand. Assuming that life runs in a circle of supply and
demand, it will all get picked up by the intent of fairer sex and we
shall be out of recessionary world to a boom.
Once that happens, we can thank the women for this noble act by making
them take over the business of arms dealing. That will make the world a
lot more peaceful place. All we can hope is that women’s jealousy does
not drive them in killing each other with
the same arms. Some may argue that this planet will be lot more
peaceful without women, hence it is a win-win proposition but I strongly
disagree. What shall we do without them?
See,
the women hold the power to solve the two biggest problems on this
planet – eradicating the poverty and bringing back the peace. Hail all
women.
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