Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Diaries down under, Part 8 – The Swaminomics!!!!

Well, I cannot divulge exact details so bit of dramatization has been made to compensate for maintaining secrecy to comply with organizational policies. I hope the soul of this conversation hasn’t change. Oh yes, this is a work of fiction. Completely.

Venue – some meeting room

Time – sometime around EOD

Attendees – Bosses and the masses (referred as Big Boss, Majhala Bossand, Chhota Boss…and Masses M1, M2 respectively)

Majhala Boss- M1, you were supposed to complete the installation by last week. Is it done?

M1 – Nope.

Majhala Boss – What the hell is stopping you?

M1 – There are some issues. I have finally got the contact of a guy who will help us out in getting the issue resolved.

Big Boss – And who is this piped piper of yours?

M1 – There is a guy called Swami. I talked to him today and explained the issue. He has sent me an email detailing the solution. I will have another call with him tomorrow to discuss further.

Chhota Boss – Oh Swami. I know him. Nice guy. He has sent an email to me as well. I wonder how he could provide a one lines solution to a problem you haven’t been able to solve in three weeks.

M1 – One line email? He has sent me a three page long mail. It has all the details.

Majhala Boss – Is that so? Why didn’t he copy me in that email? B1, don’t you know that I need to be part of each and every conversation you have with any of the external parties? How come this piped pipers of yours is talking to Chhota Boss and you separately and I don’t even know about it?

M1 – I don’t know. BTW, if I am going to solve the issue, why hasn’t he copied me in the email he wrote to Chhota Boss?

Majhala Boss – I hope you have told him that we are in the same team. Does he know?

M1 – It was the first time I talked to him. It took a while to locate him. I will let him know.

Chhota Boss – Oh mate. If you needed to talk to Swami, you should have told me. I have known him for months.

BIG BOSS – People, what is going on? Are we a team or not. M1, for three weeks you have been looking for a person who is well known to Chhota Boss. Ridiculous.

M1 – Big Boss, it took me three weeks of efforts and contacting everyone I know in India to locate Swami. Maybe only people I didn’t contact for this were my great grandparents because I couldn’t. They are dead.

Chhota Boss – Maybe you were looking at wrong places. You should’ve searched for him in our neighbouring building. BTW, he heads his division. He can surely direct you to someone appropriate.

M1 – Neighbouring building? Swami sits in India. I talked to him today. BTW, my Swami doesn’t head any division. He belongs to one of the lowest categories in his division. He will get the work done for us.

Chhota Boss – You talked to him today? I met him today. Let me reiterate, he is the boss.

Big Boss – What the hell is going on? How can came person be present in two different locations at the same time? How can someone be a boss and subordinate at the same time? Or we have two Swamis?

Chhota Boss – Possible.

BIG BOSS – M1, what’s your Swami’s name?

M1 – Let me check. It is Swamni Mudiyanselage Rangana Keerthi Bandara Swami.

Big Boss – Holy humanity. Let’s call him Swami. Chhota Boss, what is your Swami’s name?

Chhota Boss – As if I remember. Let me check if he has sent any emails to me. Oh yes, there it is. It is Denagamage Praboth Mahela Mutthu Ranga Sivakumar Swami.

Big Boss – God. I didn’t get anything but Swami.

Chhota Boss – No worries. Do what I do. Call him Swami.

M1 – What happens to my Swami in that case?

Big Boss – What was his name, please?

M1 - Swamni Mudiyanselage Rangana Keerthi Bandara Swami.

Big Boss – That sounds like the name of a village. I wish he had included pin code in his name. I don’t know what to call him but Swami.

Majhala Boss – Okay. I have a solution. Chhota Boss, we shall call your Swami as Australian Swami. M1, your Swami will be Indian Swami.

Big Boss – Majhala Boss, I assume you have some strategy to solve rest of the confusion as well – which Swami heads the division, if he does and which one is the guy who will get the work done as he claims to.

Majhala Boss – Oh yes, I checked on the intranet. Indian Swamin reports to Australian Swami. M1, now what I want you to do is contact Indian Swami first thing in the morning, get the issues sorted out, and send an update to me & Indian Swami’s boss – Australian Swami by tomorrow afternoon.

M1 – Sorry boss, it cannot happen before evening tomorrow?

Big Boss – Why if I may ask?

M1 – Because my first thing in the morning is five hours ahead of Indian Swami’s. I can only contact him by noon which will be his first thing in the morning. By the evening, I shall provide a status update to everyone including Australian Swami – Indian Swami’s boss.

Big Boss – Okay. Fine. Just get it done by our EOD tomorrow.

Yours truly – Boss, bad news.

Big Boss – What now?

Yours truly – The external vendor we are handling seems to have delayed their progress. Hence we cannot make any progress.

Majhala Boss – When did this happen?

Yours truly – I have just received an email about it.

Chhota Boss - Couldn’t they have sent it earlier? Bloody idiots. Had they sent in the morning, we could have done something about it.

Yours truly – I don’t think it is right to blame them. They seem to have informed us about it as first thing on their morning.

Majhala Boss – Morning? Where?

Yours truly – They are in US of A.

Big Boss – Who the hell has sent that email?

Yours truly – Swami.

All three of them in unison, “One more Swami”

Big Boss – Enough of Swamis. What’s his full name?

Yours truly - Warnakulasuriya Patabendige Ushantha SampathaKumara Vasudhaiv KutuMajhala Bossukam Swami.

The meeting ended with a deathly silence. The room was vacated.

All that was left in the room were lots of head hair.

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