In 2005 Nicholas Cage movie “Lord of War”, he plays an arms dealer known as Yuri. For a few days, his brother Vitaly helps him as a business partner. Yuri’s biggest competitor is Simeon Weisz whereas his most prominent customer is Andre Baptiste Sr. All this while; an Interpol agent, Jack Valentine, chases Yuri.
No, this is not the review of the movie. This is something else. In case you have not noticed, all the names I have mentioned have been of different men. Yuri sells arms of different variety to the different warzones across the globe. All his suppliers are men. All his buyers are men. The world is shown to be headed towards an end where only arms dealers would win and everyone would lose.
Now think about it. Consider men in the above scenario are replacing by women, entirely. Even hypothetically, but assume it happens.
I strongly believe that if the business of arms dealing, both buyers and suppliers, is taken over by women, we shall achieve a stage of complete global peace and harmony. Because by the time women decide which guns to buy or which hand grenades to sell, decades would pass and people in different warzones would yawn their way to peace. Yes, it would be the case.
First of all, with change in customer profile, the product profile would also change. No longer would you be getting an AK47 in only black color. AK47, pretty much like Sony Vaio, would be sold in different shades of pink and other colors with an option to change its color as the user changes the nail paint. Hand grenades would be sold covered in different fabrics like cotton, satin or Bandhej. Oh yes, you would also find frills of different kinds around it. Revolvers would have to match the different kind of earrings.
Even the selling pitches would change. People would no longer say “Buy this gun, muzzle is awesome, never jams, shoots till five kilometers and kills the target even if you are shooting out of sand”.
The selling pitches would be like “Bhabhiji, yeh naya pink aaya hai AK56 ka. Aapki Chunni ke sath bahut jamega”. (Sister in law, this is the new pink of AK56. This will go well with your scarf).
Although this may meet a response like this, “Chal hat nikhattu, meri saas ke paas bhi aisi hi AK56 hai. Kuch naye fashion ka dikha, waisa jaisa Aishwaryane pehna tha us movie mein, hum gun de chuke sanam” (Get lost you useless fellow. Even my mother in law has such AK56. Show me something of new fashion, as the one Aishwarya wore in the movie “We have given the gun, my beloved”)
Shopping, ladies and gentlemen, is something no women cannot do without. Ladies will accept this fact with pride and Gentlemen with pain. But both will accept it nonetheless.
No offence meant but I think if you ask a woman to choose between constipation and a period of no shopping, they would choose the former. It is one topic that would have consumed more ink than Rajnikanth’s larger than life image, more airtime than SIR Jadeja’s command over the universe and more space than Sunny Leone’s you-know-what. Yet, we can still talk at length about it.
If you ask ten women what did they over the weekend, nine would reply with one word – shopping. Women’s replying in one word itself is an event rarer than a Rohit Sharma century. Oh by the way, the tenth women would crib that her monster husband took her out for shopping for just one of the two days. Nine out of ten times, you would be that monster husband. There must have been plethora of books explaining probability but I wonder if anyone of them has this as an example to explain one of the most obscure topics in mathematics – probability.
There is a difference between how men shop and how women do. Men are bad buyers. If a man has to buy a shirt, he would go to the shop, buy it and come back. Being morons they always are, they knock off the most enjoyable act for the other side of gender divide in just three steps, three useless steps.
Women are different. They are intelligent buyers.
Tell me my fellow men; do you think if that Rs. 3,000/- color plus shirt is actually worth that much? No, it is not. The cost includes the rent of the garment shop in that gigantic mall, the electricity bill, the salaries and other overheads. Do you ensure if there is a way to recover that cost? No, you do not. You just do not.
Here is how shopping skills of women comes to fore. They are excellent in recovering costs. Even if they have to buy a Cadbury silk, they would ask the shopkeeper to show all the chocolates they have. They would check with him if it were possible to taste before swiping the card. They would see the texture, the color and how it has been packed. They would like to know the history of the chocolate, the shop, if they do home delivery, if they took bulk orders for their birthday (the birthday would be 6 months away), if any discount was available and after checking all this, they would turn towards you, smile and say “Have you made the payment?”. If one could calculate the cost of time spent in all this, it surely would have exceeded the cost of the chocolate.
Sale is another word that drives women. If Pied Piper of Hamelin was given the job of driving women out of Hamelin, he wouldn’t have needed a magic pipe to play. All he would have done was to open a shop, put a large placard in front of it with a four-letter word SALE. All the women in Hamelin would have been driven out by the mere smell of it.
No matter what they say, women are fascinated by mathematics or to be précises, % dynamics. For them, a 20% sale is good, 30% sale is great and 50% sale is absolute heaven. If there are things written in an unreadable font with an astrix, they prefer ignoring it. God has blessed them with eyes, which look at this world on a relative scale so they do not look for absolute prices. For them, a Rs. 1,000/- shirt is good but if the same shirt is sold at Rs 3,000/- with 50% discount on it, it is even better. It is the feeling of making a steal that matters and not the steal.
Mind you, they are the pioneers of Keynesian theory. They have the power to drive the consumption in the economy and bail it out of any trouble. For the small matters of paying for driving the consumption, men can worry about it. Useless creatures that men are, they ought to do something to earn their right to breathe after all.
To all the economists striving hard to bring this world out of recession, here is my simple solution. Most economies are driven by consumption theory. Hence, if we can put up boards of SALE everywhere, suddenly everything will find a demand. Assuming that life runs in a circle of supply and demand, it will all get picked up by the intent of fairer sex and we shall be out of recessionary world to a boom. Once that happens, we can thank the women for this noble act by making them take over the business of arms dealing. That will make the world a lot more peaceful place. All we can hope is that women’s jealousy does not drive them in killing each other with the same arms. Some may argue that this planet will be lot more peaceful without women, hence it is a win-win proposition but I strongly disagree. What shall we do without them?
See, the women hold the power to solve the two biggest problems on this planet – eradicating the poverty and bringing back the peace. Hail all women.