Thursday, May 04, 2017

Secret journal of a husband!!!


Gentlemen, come 19th February and it will be two years since India started its world cup winning campaign. On 19th February 2011, Sehwag almost fulfilled his promise of batting through fifty overs. Kohli made the most of what was supposed to be his only chance in the world cup. Our bowlers showed why they were a cause for concern. But all it was a journey well begun and thoroughly enjoyable – like another journey I had started six years back on this very day, 19th February 2007.

Let me be frank – God didn’t invent me to get wasted in falling with love in hope of converting it in a marriage. I was made for an arrange marriage. My concept was simple – love is divine, it can happen anytime. Marriage is an event which has to happen at right time. So, why to wait for something to happen, which can happen anytime, so that you can make something happen which has to happen at the right time?

Did I make any sense? If yes, please read on.

If no, when was the last time you saw me making any sense.

Even the arrange marriage wasn’t easy. After initial few rejections, a thought did strike my mind that it might never happen. But thanks to God who has given me this life, VVS Laxman who has given me this amazing ability to keep the hopes alive even in the most adverse scenarios and the lady of my life who agreed to tolerate me for the rest of her life, it did happen. I got married on 19th February 2007.

Since then, it has been a wonderful journey. While most of the credit goes to her, I would like to take some credit for discovering the secrets of happy marriage and implementing them in my own life.

For the benefit of those who are planning the bite the bullet or those who have already been shot down with the same bullet – here are some secrets to a happy married life.


Bypass – Okay, God has given you a head. You think there is a lot of meat inside it and I won’t blame you for that. If nothing, we all have the right to think the way we want. But it is not in what is inside your head. Most important body parts are at the two ends of your head.

These are your earholes. God has given you two earholes at 180 degrees to each other. All you need to do is to create a tunnel connecting both of them and use it as much as possible. Lesser leakage in this tunnel, better it is for you. Let is all pass. Quite often the gloomy days are described as – staring down a tunnel which has no light at the other end. Trust me, as long as someone can see light at the other end, he will be happy.

Just create a bypass between two ears and let everything pass at the speed of a tracer bullet. You will just get the feeling that it is what the doctor ordered.
Admire – Why blame women? Everyone wants to hear good words about him or her. It is just that women want it a bit more explicitly. Hence admire your wife in whatever she does – be it cooking a delicious Shahi Paneer for you or making you eat the Pizza which she herself couldn’t eat, be it the efficiency with which she manages the economy of the house or her art of spending all your salary in first 15 days of the month, be it her always welcoming you in the house with a smile or her tears which were shed because you didn’t say “Good Bye” to her when you left for work in the morning. Your praise has to be reflected in your admiration. Your criticism has to be sugarcoated with your admiration.

If she asks “Am I looking fat”, don’t simply say yes but reply “Oh these cloths these days. They are all made in China. That’s why they lose their ability to stretch with time”.

If she apologizes saying “Sorry, I forgot to put the salt in today’s lunch”, you can reply “Oh I thought that was deliberate. I forgot to tell you about the latest research which says that food with no salt keep the cholesterol down”

Only thing which you should never admire is the looks of other females in front of her. If she says “Wow, my batch mate looks stunning”, don’t jump all guns blazing in admiration but say “No way. You don’t have an eye for appreciating beauty. I have it” and wink.

Cunning – Women are curious creatures. To ask question is a right they acquire even before they are born. But they are different. They don’t ask questions to seek answers. They ask questions so that they can ask more questions based on the answers they get.

“You like your left eye more or the right one?”

“What is this question?”

“Just answer me.”

“I like my right eye more.”

“Why not left eye?”

“Well there is not much of a difference for me between these two.”

“Then why you said you like your right eye.”

“That’s because you insisted on me answering your question.”

“Will you do anything if I insist?”

“That will depend”

“Depend? Why do you never give me definitive answer?”

See, this can go on and on. Women know it very well that in life and boxing, he who gives the hardest punch doesn’t win. It is the one who always stands up after being punched down turns out to be the real winner. Your best of the answers are matched with a question, always.

You need to learn the secret. The objective is not to answer the question. Objective is to ask more questions. It is a loop you will never get out doesn’t matter how intelligently, as per you, you answer the question. Even if you do win this battle, you will be mentally exhausted.

What is the point in getting into a battle which, even if you somehow manage to win, will completely drain you out? Remember King Ashoka and the battle of Kalinga?

You need to be cunning here. You need to give such an answer which doesn’t give birth to another question. You may not win but at least you will mitigate the risk of getting drained out. That will be your victory.

So next time you are asked, “Which of your two eyes you like more”, simply answer with a smile “Whichever sees your first”. Chances of being hit back with another question will go down like a tracer bullet.

Henpecked – It is up to you, really. You want to live with your ego or you want to be happy. Your ego will give you nothing but lunches with no salt, lunches full of bitter gourd, lunches with three days old Pizzas, or most probably no lunch and you will be cooking the dinner. To stay happy, say goodbye to your male chauvinist ego and be henpecked. Oh yeah, don’t give me that stupid argument of “I wear the pants in my house”. Ask yourself an honest question; is it not the very same pant which you very often pull down in front of the higher ups at work? So why not do at home as well and achieve global peace

Eavesdropping – Stop doing it if you do. Don’t start it if you don’t.

Don’t ask what you are not supposed to. Don’t listen to what you are not supposed to. Don’t see what you are not supposed to. Don’t read what you are not supposed to.

In short, don’t try becoming a phantom.

Knowledge is good but too much of it is good for only Dumbledore. I am sure you are not him.

Why a one year old is happier than a five year old? It is because he knows nothing about school.

Why a ten year old is happier than a sixteen year old? It is because he knows nothing about going to IITs.

Why a sixteen year old is happier than the ones in IITs? It is because he doesn’t know that all his dreams that the other side of gender divide would fall on his feet just because he made it to IIT were going to be shattered once he actually made it to an IIT.

Why someone in IIT is happier than someone who has passed out of it? It is because he doesn’t know that it is same crap everywhere, all that changes is the place.

Why someone who is out of IIT is happy? It is because he is yet to get married.

See, knowing more is not always good. So why not just know what is told to you. Why take extra pain to do it. As someone said, ignorance is bliss.

Lose the battle, don’t fight, and just surrender – As someone said – there are two parties in a marriage. One is right and other one is the husband. So why to fight if you are going to be proved wrong, always?

If you lose, you lose. If you win, you spend rest of the day in wiping off her tears. Why to fight a battle which you can never win? Why not simply surrender? What is the harm in it? After all she is called your “better half” and you are called her “other half”. Why not be fair and simply believe in letting the better of the two sides win? What are you going to fight for anyhow – to give preference to watching the inaugural match of the world cup over celebrating your anniversary or switching the channel from Mann ki aawaz Pratigya on Star Plus to India Glorious on Star Cricket or not eating the specially cooked bitter gourd curry? Why not celebrate your anniversary, worry about the issues Pratigya has in her life and never buy bitter gourd at all.

O, the big O - Run, go hit the gym, work on your fitness. It is about the big O. I meant obedience towards your wife’s orders to take care of your health. What were you thinking.

Read the above, take a print out, tattoo it all on your palms if needed but do implement it – It is all based on experiences – my experiences, my friends’ experiences, my relatives’ experiences and anyone else’s experiences. Once you have read the above, implement it, internalize it and actualize it. Just in case you have trouble remembering it all, I have devised a key for it.

Bypass, Admire, Cunning, Henpecked, Eavesdropping, Lose the battle, Obedience, Read.

Bachelor is the key.

Just stick to this bachelorhood and you will have a happy married life – stay bachelor, stay happily married.

 

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