Fultoo Bakar

The Coach XI!!!

2012-01-27T23:17:00.000+05:30

With modern technology, DRS, new training techniques, more stress on strategy and all that, one position which has really become important as well as highlighted in cricket is the coach/support staff. In fact in some cases, it’s become more important than the team itself. Who can forget the grand efforts of KKR in IPL when they had more support staff than the team itself – coach, batting coach, fielding coach, bowling coach, nets coach, throw down coach, bowling machine coach, bat polishing coach, mental conditioning coach, hair conditioning coach, drinks coach, press conference coach, captain’s coach, vice captain’s coach, substitute’s coach, praying coach, toss coach and god knows what else. For last 4 years, KKR supporters have had a wish – wish that owners had paid importance to selecting players rather than support staff.

However, here is a tribute to these gentlemen – the coaches. This is how my Coach XI will look like.

1. David Lloyd – Bumbo, as he is fondly called was considered to be an unlucky cricketer – for himself that is. Till recently, I didn’t know he has worked as a coach. For me he has always been a commentator who sounded as if he was shivering in nervousness if the match was as close as last Sidney test. And if his team, England, needed 12 runs in 47 overs with all wickets in hands against an attack boasting of Nitin Gadkari, Pinchoo Kapoor and Guddi Maruti, he didn’t take a breather unless England won the match. But Bumbo was the torch bearer of the philosophy – a team doesn’t just need team of its supporters, they need bigger supporters in the team as well. During his stint, the number of members in England’s increased from one to almost the entire population in the country. Since everyone who could spell the word cricket was part of England’s support staff, they had to start importing players from South Africa. While giving his last speech as a coach, Bumbo thanked all the English cricketers in the team for extending their support to him. Alas, he didn’t hear a single clap but how could he? He was thanking English cricketers but the team was full of South Africans. “We flippin’ murdered them” he must have thought.

2. Mohsin Khan – Considered being extremely talented batsman especially on fast and bouncy pitches, his best performance came in Saathi. His test career average was 37 and quite expectedly, he averaged 43 against India. He could have become another tormentor for us had Reena Roy not come to country’s rescue and cut short Mohsin’s career. She made sure he tormented us on screen of a different kind – the celluloid one. Saathi was slated to be Deewar of 90s – Aaditya Pancholi was soon going to become Big B and Mohsin, at least Shashi Kapoor. While former did become Big B of Nepal or Bhutan, not sure, Mohsin finally has grabbed the most lethal post in sports for a non-player. He has become Pakistan’s coach, interim though. There is no doubt that given his record, he would be more than useful as a coach. But how would Pakistan use his acting skills? Or do I see Mohammad Aamer and Mohammad Aasif ruing the fact that they didn’t get to learn acting. You get my point, don’t you?

3. Javed Miandad – Rumor has it that Javed was forced to sign his retirement papers on a gunpoint. Otherwise he might still be playing and practicing his high-jump for WC15. I have never seen such an involved coach – during the match. When his bowlers were bowling, he would often signal to bowl bouncers – even to Saqlain Mushtaq. When his batsmen were batting, he would often signal to play some strokes which he would have played. Once I lip read one of the batsmen – “Yeh khud hi aake khel ne na” (why doesn’t he come and play himself). While playing against Pakistan, opposition isn’t as much worried about sledge from the team as much it’s worried about Javed’s sledging – even his own team remains wary of his sledging. Javed had one dream to beat India in India – in the capacity of the coach. But this may never be fulfilled now. Not because Pakistan cannot beat us at home. Not because Javed will never become Pakistan’s coach. It’s because Javed may never get an Indian visa now. His son has ruined his chances.

4. Greg Chappell – He told Sachin that maybe he should hang his boots. After that Sachin scored more international runs than Guru Greg could manage in his entire career. Guru Greg got Ganguly kicked out from the team and rest is history. When Sehwag’s form got bad in ODIs, Guru Greg played a part in taking corrective measures and Sehwag was dropped from the test side. He told Deepak Chahar that he wasn’t made to play cricket. Deepak went to take 8 wickets on debut in Ranji, demolished Hyderabad and is now Rajasthan’s strike bowler. Guru Greg told all of us that Suresh Raina is next Sachin and Sachin must wondered if he was so bad. Raina cleared Sachin’s doubt and must be wondering if it was the Bhaang that he had mixed in Greg’s milk once which made him say that. After over 200 years of British Rule, the best thing that could have happened to us was that from numerous states, we became one country. Entire Hogwarts responded to Harry Potter’s call in his war against Voldemort, barring Draco Malfoy. Even team India got united after Guru Greg’s era and we saw a golden run. By the way, we also got to see DracoMalfoy.

5. Duncan Fletcher – Long back, he was asked to coach an England team in the days when it was slam banged in Ashes. He took a vow to make England number one in test cricket. He succeeded in 2011. So what if he wasn’t coaching them, maybe he was coaching for them. Duncan Fletcher became a hero in the world of underdogs when he helped Zimbabwe winning against Australia in WC83. If he almost single handedly defeated them in 1983, he has pretty much made it for Australians in 2012. So what if he isn’t playing against them, maybe he is coaching for them. In 2007, Duncan Fletcher decided to quit cricket and adopt Rugby as his “the game”. I wish he had. He didn’t. Tell me, what has changed in Indian cricket since 2^nd April 2011 to now. Sreesanth is no longer playing for us but I am not sure if it’s a bad thing. Poonam Pandey is not making “those” promises and I am pretty sure it’s a good thing. Well what has changed is the headmaster at Hogwarts. Earlier it was Garry Potter. Now it is Duncan Riddle.

6. David Williams – It’s difficult to fill the wicket keeping spot in this team. Andy flower is yet to show if he is a fit here. Hence I am picking David Williams – the man who had to wear heals so that he could stand taller than the stumps. David Williams was Sir Agarkar’s inspiration – he scored 7 ducks in his 18 completed innings in test cricket. David Williams was Martin Crowe’s inspiration – for making a comeback in competitive cricket when he fielded as a substitute in a test match even though he was an assistant coach. I am sure he must have fielded better than Monty Panesar.

7. Kapil Dev – Kapil Dev was India’s first high profile coach before Guru Greg stole that honor from him. A great all-rounder and a very popular cricketer, Kapil never kept secrets. He even disclosed the secrets of his energy. But one thing that he has never disclosed is – why Indian didn’t enforce follow-on in THAT test against New Zealand. Kapil was an all-rounder in every sense. Post his retirement, he has been a commentator, a coach, a politician, a key executive in ICL and has held an important position with NCA. He had his moments in each of these roles. Once on air, Kapil made a legendary comment about Jimmy Adams who had just recovered after being hit “there”. Kapil said “Unki dharampatni ko chinta karne ki ab koi aavashyakta nahi hai. Adam ab theek hain” (His wife needn’t worry as Adams is fine now). When Rahul Dravid scored a ton to save India from blues of losing a test match against New Zealand at home, Kapil gifted him a bottle of Jam as Rahul’s nickname is Jammy. Thank god Noel David didn’t save that test match. For the blink-and-miss period in which he donned Indian cap, Noel David was given nick name of Noella - after Vinod Kambli’s first wife Noella. But after his playing days, Kapil didn’t last long in any of the roles – be it commentator, coach or anything else. Maybe he would have lasted in ICL but ICL didn’t last long.

8. Bishan Singh Bedi - Mr. Bedi was on the hit list of global environmentalists when he called for polluting Pacific Ocean. After a shoddy performance in his coaching days, Mr. Bedi announced “This Indian team should be dumped in Pacific Ocean”. Soon, he was dumped. Mr. Bedi was a man for fitness. He put so much emphasis on fitness during his coaching regime that lot of players retorted back when asked why they weren’t showing energy on the field “Because we are spending it all in the nets”. Mr. Bedi is known for his flight in tweaking and fight in talking. He is known as best left arm spinner by those who have played him. He has called most successful off spinner a javelin thrower. He has called Sunil Gavaskar a destructive influence. During India’s tour of England in 1990, India wasn’t giving much of a fight to England. Hence Mr. Bedi led by an example and showed everyone how to fight. He fought a fierce battle with Sunil Gavaskar – in media. But given the sad state of Indian cricket, it won’t be a bad idea to make him Indian coach. Maybe the theory of common enemy will work. To all his 267 wickets, to all his efforts to improve team’s fitness in his coaching days, to all his comments on the most destructive weapon to a peaceful life after infidelity – Doosra , his best contribution towards the species called humans came in his comment about John Buchanan "Tell us, John, have you made this Australian team great, or have they made you?"

9. Venkatesh Prasad – By the time he became India’s coach, lot of deliveries that he bowled during his playing days had reached the batsmen. Venky made our bowler expert in bowling those three kinds of balls he himself was an expert – slow, slower and slowest. Venky, who took a vow of non-violence as soon as he decided to become a fast (???) bowler, believed in uniformity. Under his regime, Munaf Patel and Harbhajan singh proved to be his perfect pupils and achieved same pace – 105 kph. Idolizing Venky, we got many you-can-go-get-married-in-north-Indian-style-before-my-ball-reaches-the-other-end kind of express fast pacers. Praveen Kumar is one. Vinay Kumar is another who showed the world how great nation we are – we are a land of equal opportunities for everyone, I mean everyone. Even Jhulan Goswami, the Padma Shri award winner, attributed her success to Venky saying “Sir Prasad is an inspiration to anyone who wants to bowl superfast. It’s because of him; I can bowl faster than Vinay Kumar, Irfan Pathan and Praveen Kumar”. No kidding here, she is world’s fastest female bowler.

10. Jeremy Snape – I remember him as a bald off spinner who played ages back for England – in the days when Dinesh Mongia was joining the ranks of Gagan Khoda. So when I saw him years later, sitting in coach’s corner, I was shocked – has the time passed so fast. The thing that struck me most about him was his hairstyle – even after so many years, he didn’t lose any hair on his head. Maybe it was because he never had any. By now, Snape had become a sports psychologist. England drafted him in the side as sports psychologist to improve their performance. Snape’s performance earned him a spot in the England side for T20WC07. See, anything is possible in this world. Who knows, we might well see Paddy Upton representing India in T20WC12.

11. John Buchanan – No one has described him better than Fake IPL Player. No one has known him better than Shane Warne. No one has asked a better question about him than Bishan Singh Bedi. But John has always been THE coach and will always be THE coach. That is why he is in this team – to coach. Maybe he can play as well. He is known to have brought new dimensions to the world of coaching. Be it his methods of reciting poems in the dressing room – imagine him singing Ba Ba Black Sheep to Mohammad Aasif in Pakistan’s dressing room. Or be it his multiple captain theory for KKR in IPL2 – maybe Pakistan took a leaf out of it and didn’t consider appointing a captain for WC11, although they finally did make Afridi their captain. John Buchanan’s contribution in bringing Ashes back to its life cannot be forgotten by the world (and not forgiven by Australians). He single handedly won it for England – it was the same hand which didn’t pick up the ball on which Glen McGrath slipped. Rest is history. I hope BCCI appoints him as India’s coach and Vinay Kumar slips on one of the balls he doesn’t pick up. Hope he sings Tune mera doodh piya hai tu bilkul mere jaisa hoga in the dressing room for Sir Ravindra Jadeja and he becomes a successful coach like John.

PS: Pun intended. Please don’t sue me.

Oh those gems!!!

2012-01-20T20:09:00.000+05:30

Nothing is immortal, not even non-living products. Every product has a life. If it doesn’t get phased out in a timely manner, it simple gets discarded by the competition. Hence it makes lot of business sense to plan a product’s life cycle and give it a fitting retirement rather than the product getting fired at the last leg of its life. Some products create such a niche for themselves that they almost may last forever – like Maggie, which is still savored by most of us. Some products are hit by ever changing times so fast and badly that they almost don’t see a life – like pager, the only page I remember is Pappu Pager. But there are a few products, which even after being phased out, never die. They always remain fresh in the memory - some because of their usability, some because of their unforgettable qualities and some because of the nostalgia that we often end up saying – “Wish if I had one today”. Here are a few examples

Nokia-3310 – If a thief entered your house, you could actually break his head by using your Nokia-3310 and call the police using the very same Nokia-3310. Nokia-3310 was the most robust equipment developed after, maybe a road roller. Apart from regular cell phone uses, it could be used as a paper weight, as a hammer, as a crusher and sometimes even for self-protection. I have heard different stories related to this model of Nokia. Once a friend called me to tell that a truck drove over his Nokia-3310 and yet it was working. Once a friend forgot his Nokia-3310 in his pants, washed it in a washing machine – his pants were torn because of the cellphone but saving grace was that the cellphone was still working. Rumor has it that once AIWFHA (All India Wife Fearing Husbands Association) complained to human rights commission demanding banning of Nokia-3310 because wives were beating their husband using the cellphones instead of their traditional weapon – Belan.

As time passed by, Nokia-3310 started becoming less and less visible. Nokia 3315 was quite like Nokia-3310 but not Nokia-3310. Difference was same between Aishwarya Rai and Sneha Ullal or between Rambo and Ravindra Jadeja. But I will never forget Nokia-3310 for its robustness, user friendliness and the fact that it was my first cellphone.

Maruti-800 – Sometime in early 90s my dad, just after returning from Thirupathi Balaji and full with the faith that God would be smiling at him after his trip, announced – “Now within next two years, I will buy a Maruti”. It’s another matter that he didn’t but what is important here is the name. He didn’t say he would buy a car, he said he would buy a Maruti. Such was the brand in those days when owning a car was as rare as owning an IPL team these days. Maruti was like Kochi Tuskars Kerala getting listed – everyone can by a share in it, just that I wouldn’t have the flamboyance of Sir Jadeja.

There is a story related to Maruti which I read somewhere. Once the first Maruti-800 was out, people had their doubts about its performance – whether it will survive on the non-existent Indian roads. Doubters were plenty, believers were a small minority. Manufacturer was required to show the first model of the car to the top bosses (maybe PM) in Delhi. Hence the caravan started – full of ambassadors, fiats, maybe some foreign cars and one Maruti-800. It was pouring that day in Delhi. Soon the city was flooded and looked as if it had been converted into Venice. Out of the caravan, only one car managed to reach its destination. It was Maruti-800.

I am not sure about the auto market in 90s. But the foreign cars remained limited to movies. Ambassadors were almost entirely owned by the government. Fiat’s Premiere Padmini was meant for doctors. If the common man could think of affording a car, it was Maruti-800 – better technology, higher mileage and lower price. What else one could ask for. Alas, the end is nigh.

LML-Vespa – Once I asked my uncle, “Why don’t you sell your scooter and buy a bike. Bikes look so stylish?” He responded saying “My dear nephew, bikes are for rowdies. Scooters for family men like me. I can make stand your sister in the front, pack your fat brother between me and your aunt. While I am coming to meet you on your birthday, I can tie your gift with the Stepney. There will still space for a week’s vegetables and maybe some more grocery”

LML-Vespa was every groom’s delight and almost a must in the list of dowry. You could carry three adults with ease and yet there was place for a kid shorter than driver’s height in the front. Not to mention, the space sufficient enough to accommodate a month’s vegetables and grocery. Unlike its predecessor scooters, LML-Vespa was much trendier in looks and better in mileage. If Shantakumaran Sreesanth ever goes to an old age home, he will be like LML-Vespa of scooters – trendier than the rest. Nitin Gadkari is like LML-Vespa of scooters – can carry unbelievable amount to weight with a smile and yet move. Sunny Leone is like LML-Vespa of scooters – every groom’s delight for the reasons thou-shalt-not-name.

Rotomac pens – At school, we were discouraged from using dot-pens. Fountain or nib pens were the trends which were so successful because of lack of competition as well – only noteworthy competitor was Reynolds which came in boring blue-white attire. Enter Rotomac, in glassy and blue attire, by the hands of tip tip barsa paani fame Raveena Tandon. For all those who remember the song, I can see the spark in your eyes for the reasons once again thou-shalt-not-name. When Raveena sang Likhte Likhe Love Ho Jaye, she easily sold us into it. We were still under her spell Tip Tip Barsa Paani. Rotomac had a better grip than Raynolds, was better in looks, wrote finer and darker plus Raveena sold it. We bought it. But like Raveena, Rotomac also seems to have gone in the hiding of time.

Rasna – Rasna was our staple drink before Pepsis, Cokes and the rest spoiled us. Come the summer vacations and every house, with or without a refrigerator, stocked it. It tasted good with ice. It tasted equally good in normal water. Try drinking modern day beverages at room temperature and you will understand. But more than anything else, I liked Rasna for its ads. Those were not the days when even cement was sold by a bikini clad girl. Ad making good enough to leave a lasting impression on viewer’s mind was a challenge. I didn’t like Rajeev Kapoor and Dharmendra’s Rajdoot ad. The famous pyar hua ikrar hua ad of you-know-what was too embarrassing to watch in front of parents. Jaya aur Sushma in Nirma were quite irritating. In contrast, Rasna ads were different – they had the freshness of Rasna itself. And Rasna, I loved drinking it in colorless glasses. Those colors are still fresh in my memory as they are symbols of the most important colors in my life – colors of my childhood.

Maybe I am too gadgetized to use a Nokia-3310 now, maybe I will never get to own a Maruti-800, I hardly write with a pen these days but come next summer and I am definitely going to grab a few packs of Rasna. Some products are, just immortal

A Tribute to Imperfection!!!

2012-01-18T21:20:00.001+05:30

Athleticism is the name of the game these days. What used to be a splendid catch few years ago became a great catch few months back. It may well be treated as a regulation catch in the next match. No matter at what speed a batsman hit the ball to long-on, no matter how away from the fielder it was, as a matter of principles batsmen never took more than a single for that shot, never. These days, even if the ball has been hit like “tracer bullet”, straight to the long-on fielder, batsmen always try to steal an extra run (barring R. Ashwin) – damn the principles and traditions. Things are becoming too competitive, too perfect now. It’s quite like Bollywood – most of them have perfect figures and are fast becoming demigods, provided you are not Abhishek Bacchan. Gone are the days when a Sanjeev Kumar with pot belly could not only face the camera but act bloody well also. Out of 10, 8 Indians can claim to look like Sanjeev Kumar but how many can claim to look like John Abraham or Katrina Kaif? Too much of perfection kills reality.

Hence, let’s pay tribute to the imperfection, reality. Let’s pay tribute to players who, when asked “Why didn’t you dive to save that single” or “There were three in it and you didn’t even reach any further than midway, why?” will simply try to kill you with their looks. Let’s pay tribute to XI common men of cricket.

Sanjay Manjrekar - Okay, I am going to choose makeshift openers and SM would be one of them. Because the way he used to run between the wickets, it will be difficult to find batsmen willing to partner. He wasn’t a lazy runner. He wasn’t slow either. And he was definitely not too adventurous while running between the wickets. But somehow, he could never run. Or in other words, he over anticipated his ability to run – always thought he would make it walking but couldn’t even make it sprinting. Out of the 10 matches played by India in CB series-92, he was run out on four occasions. Out of 6 matches he played in WC92, he was run out in 2. 20% of his ODI dismissals came in form of run-outs. Just before the WC92, Tiger Pataudi made a remark that if India wants to win the world cup, Manjrekar would have to give up his habit of getting run-out. SM had a great regard for Mr. Pataudi hence he couldn’t have let him proved wrong – India didn’t win the cup and SM’s running remains history.

Asanka Gurusingha – Walking in his cricket gear, AG often looked a misfit to me. I mean his attire. He would be a misfit in current times when cricketers are almost expected to have six packs. AG would have been much better off in a Koli fisherman’s dress – Lungi and the rest. He possessed the densest beard in his times which coupled with chubby cheeks, made it difficult for him to spot the ball unless it was coming directly at him. Hence it impacted his fielding in the slips. With tummy big enough for Tadenda Taibu to hide inside it, he found it difficult to field anywhere else either. But he batted well, really well. That is because the ball was coming at him and his beard, cheeks and tummy couldn’t be any hindrance. Maybe he should have been a wicketkeeper who always stood tall and covered the area between leg-slip to first-slip alone – his size would have done so. His white dress could also have acted as a sight screen for the umpires as well.

Vinod Kambli – Vinod Kambli’s biggest contribution to Indian cricket remains his underperformance during 1995-96. His non selection in England tour of 1996 gave us Rahul Dravid. In return, God gave him -Kambli, Andrea. Kambli’s brilliance in the field was first seen in WC92 when he, known for his enthusiasm, consistently over ran the ball. While his batting masked his talent in the field during his second stint with the side but like Samantha Fox’s you-know-what, it couldn’t have been hidden forever. Kambli was known for his flamboyance and he always maintained it no matter what. He is still doing it. Some say, it was his flamboyance which often undid him in the field. After all, how many can adjust their earrings, take out their cap and wear it with flap in opposite direction, take out the book – 1000 ways to celebrate and select the most innovative way to do so before fielding the ball. Not many which definitely included Kambli. Quite ironically, death knell to his career came while fielding when he twisted his ankle – he was fielding as a substitute.

Inzamam-ul-Haq – During last two decades, Pakistani batsmen didn’t fear Courtney Walsh or Curtly Ambrose. Glenn McGrath was a worry but not a fearsome scare. They played Warne with ease. What worried them most was – what if Inzi comes as a runner? Rumor has it that Inzi is behind Afridi’s 16 retirements – “Inzibhai bolte hain ki mujhse ek baar to apni running karwa lo. Ab bhai ko mana karo to unka dil dukhega, na karo to apna record thukega. Isse accha retire hi ho jao. Na rahega baans, na bajegi baansuri” (Inzi often asks me to let him act as my runner, at least once. If I refuse, he gets hurt. If I don’t, my record gets hurt. It’s better to get retired. If there is no bamboo, no one can play flute)

If Manjrekar was Honda City of run-outs, Inzi was a supersonic jet. He wasn’t a slow runner but the laziest one can ever see. Very often he started to take a run and stopped after a few steps as if he was saying “Hat saala, Itna kaun daudega?” (Move brother-in-law, who will run this much?). It was often said that Inzi was a bad communicator but I disagree. Every time he got run out, all of us saw how well he communicated his thoughts about his partner’s mom and sis. It was also said that he was an awful example for running between the wickets. I disagree – he was perfect. In life, it’s important to know what you should do but it’s more important to know what you shouldn’t. God sent Sachin to score runs. God sent Murali to take wickets. He sent Inji to get run out.

Mohammad Yusuf – Yusuf’s athletic ability was displayed by his running on the ground. Whenever a batsman mistimed his stroke, he ran after the ball, then ran with it and very often beat it before the ball could cross the boundary line. Many a times, he gave it a handicap – allowed it to pass through his legs and then chased it before finally winning the race between him and the ball. A modest man that he is, he just never boasted of this ability of his. His record of beating the ball in its race to the boundary for maximum number of times has totally gone unnoticed in the record books. Running between the wickets was another of his talents. Just that he did a Rahul Dravid – born in an era overshadowed by a bigger legend. Nonetheless, watching Inzi and Yusuf bat together was always a laugh riot for the viewers and a nightmarishly busy time for the third umpire. At least these two made sure that third umpire wasn’t gifted but earned his salary.

Arjuna Ranatunga – Till the time Russell Dwayne Mark Leverock had taken that breathtaking leap of faith to dismiss Robin Uthappa in WC07, Arjuna was the roundest cricketer ever known. 92.78% of Arjuna’s non-boundary runs came while walking, 7% while strolling and rest while jogging. Only once he was seen sprinting and the referee had to abandon the match because of craters left by Arjuna on the pitch. ICC decided to celebrate that day as National Runners Day and requested Arjuna to never run more than the speed of 0.89 centimeter/minute. While fielding, Arjuna would stand upright, legs apart and arms crossed. If the ball went to his left, he turned left and saw it reaching its destination. If the ball went to his right, he turned right and saw it reaching its destination. If it came towards him, he kicked it back to the batsman with vengeance – “How dare you hit it towards me? I am here to lead the side and not to field, you moron. Hit it to my subordinates”. Once during a net session in Kolkata, Arjuna dived full length to take a catch. Japan felt the tremors.

Kamran Akmal – After an hour of pressing my mind, digging out cricket websites, discussing with friends, I couldn’t find a wicketkeeper who would even come close to replacing Akmal in this side. Replacing him with Parthiv Patel would be like asking Nitin Gadkari to replace Usain Bolt. Asking Courtney Browne to replace Akmal would be like asking Guddi Maruti to dance in place of Katrina Kaif in the song “Sheila ki Jawani”. Such is the legend of the man. The man is such a legend. Only reason for me to follow WC11 India-Pak semifinal on cricinfo, even though I was watching it on TV, was to read Kamran Akmal jokes. The jokes about his keeping I mean. This was the reason I followed Pakistan-Zimbabwe match on cricinfo - to read Kamran Akmal jokes. The reason was no different when I followed the match between Kenya and Zimbabwe - to read Kamran Akmal jokes. Such legendary are his keeping skills that if he had started charging for every joke made on him, he would have singlehandedly bailed out his country’s economy out of doom. The rate at which he drops them is phenomenal. God forbid but if ever there is a war between India-Pakistan, I pray to God that entire Pakistani army is injected with Kamran Akmal’s DNA – they would drop all the bombs as soon as they touch it, on their own soil I mean.

Anil Kumble – If you misfielded off his bowling, Kumble would kill you with stare and glare. If he was fielding off your bowling, you might have preferred to kill yourself. Whenever the ball came to him, he would bend down on his knees, put his arms on the ground and grovel. In a way, he made a bridge from his body below which the ball passed. Sources say that Bandra-Worli sea-link was modeled on Kumble’s epic position. No wonder it took a decade to be built – not easy copying something which was perfect. Once the ball crossed him between his legs and arms, he would lie down flat. That was his dive, the legendary Kumble dive which we fondly called Chaupaya. To all his greatness in bowling, Kumble was extremely ugly in his other cricketing skills – batting and fielding. Once, during India’s 2001-02 NZ tour, he tried ducking a knee high full toss and when he saw ball was about to hit the stumps, he did it himself. He was out hit wicket as if he was saying “I am the master of my life, death and stumps behind me”. But the Marilyn Monroe moment in his running-between-the-wickets-career came during a test match in Bangladesh when he could have been run out on both the ends and there was an appeal for both batsmen being run-out at their respective ends. Yet he survived. Or shall I say Bangladeshi fielders were so much caught up in the comedy that they forgot to do their bit in time.

Javagal Srinath – In his days, the biggest prayer by the batsmen was “Oh God, let him field at forward short leg. I can just drop it and run two”. Srinath was a born bowler. He would bowl, bowl and bowl. Even when he was fielding, he would bowl instead of throwing. If he didn’t bowl his throws, he would throw them underarm - from long-on, from deep cover, from deep mid-wicket. I always loved the way he took catches, occasions came far and few though, and the way he ran oscillating to celebrate his achievement. NatGeo often shows some of his fielding moments under the topic – Believe it or not. But the desert to his seven course meal fielding epic was his expressions when he missed the ball. And the desert was served more than the actual meal, much more. We even made a poem for his expressions – as if he was saying

What can I do, I am and stand tall

Look at this cherry, it is so small

Go jump if you think to stop it, I would fall

Why don’t you watch Jumbo and let’s all do a LOL

Monty Panesar – Finally someone from outside the subcontinent makes it to the team but pay attention to the roots, will you? Even if England was bundled out for 15 and opposition was piling on the agony with a score of 800/2, only thing which brought cheers to Barmy Army was the ball being hit in Monty’s direction. Monty the Jhonty as they often called him, was left-handed in every sense – bowled left-handed, batted left-handed, threw left-handed and even ran left-handed. I mean his body was always tilted towards his left side. Maybe it had got to do something with aerodynamics – tilted body is expected to cut air faster than straight body. Just that his efforts for fielding stopped then and there. To Monty, fielding was all about his facial expressions. If Mark Waugh remained cool as ice during brilliant exhibition of his fielding, Monty’s expressions were exactly opposite – maybe hot as Sunny the Leone. His skills weren’t restricted to stopping the ball. He threw as if he was throwing javelin. Someone once asked his coach about Monty’s fielding

Someone – He isn’t the best of outfielders, maybe worse than Phil Tufnell. But how is his catching?

Coach – Excuse me?

Venketesh Prasad – Prasad was the third pillar of Indian bowling attack during late 90s. This means he was the third fielding stalwart his captain needed to hide in the field. He was the tallest in the team. Hence it was quite difficult for him to get down and stop the ball. To his credit, he proved that it wasn’t difficult at all. Rather, it was impossible for him. Ball almost always enjoyed its journey between his legs. We all know about his slow bowling – some of the balls he bowled are yet to reach the batsmen. Only thing which could beat the pace of his bowling could be the pace at which flyovers are built in Mumbai. But his throws gave a tough competition to his bowling as well. If Prasad stopped a ball at the boundary, SRT with his strong arm would run up to him from first slip and throw it back to the bowling/keeping end. This was quite regular scenario in late 90s. If everyone waited for Prasad’s throw, umpires made sure that they took the drinks break between Prasad throwing and his throw reaching the destination. After all, it was their responsibility to see that match gets over in stipulated time.

Ladies and gentlemen, with such a team, entertainment is as guaranteed as death in life.

PS: Pun intended. None of these players were as bad as I described them, barring maybe Kumble. But what’s life without sarcasm and humor?

The End!!!

2012-01-16T19:07:00.001+05:30

Date - 21-12-2012

Time – 10:00 AM in the morning.

Place – my residence.

I was getting ready – as always in a rush. Suddenly the doorbell rang. I opened the door and saw someone standing there with a smile.

“Yes?” I asked.

“Good morning. I have come to collect you” he replied with a smile.

“Is it? But I am not travelling out of town. I haven’t booked any cab”

“You don’t get this. I didn’t say I have come to pick you up. I said that I have come to collect you”

“Oh is it. And what does that mean exactly – to collect me?” I had sarcasm in my tone.

“Son, I am God. I have come to collect you since your time is over. Hurry up.

“Dude, if it’s some kind of an act to collect money for charity, let me tell you that I am in no mood to entertain. Now if you please excuse me, I got to get ready. I am already running late” I banged the door on his face and turned back.

But turning back turned out to be a shock of my life. He was sitting on my sofa and smiling at me. I was frozen in amazement filled with fear.

“How….how did you get inside?” I shouted while looking out for something with which I could hit him.

“Son, I am God. Hurry up, I am little short of time” he had nonchalance in his smile.

“Shut up and leave now or I will call the police” I shouted in extreme anger.

“Son, by now they would have reached the place you are supposed to go. I knew you wouldn’t believe me. Tell me how I can prove it to you that I am God”

“Dude, I am not an atheist but that doesn’t mean you can fool me by these cheap tricks. God is invisible. Only God I have seen is Sachin”

“Ailla!!! Lahukar kar” a five and a half foot tall guy, with curly hair was sitting on my sofa and speaking to me in Marathi. He was chipping the nails of his right hand and left hand was adjusting you-know-what.

“Saaaaaaaaaaccccchhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn” I shouted in disbelief. Just that no voice came out of my throat.

“Now you believe that I am God?” the face claiming to be God was back in place of Sachin.

“Oh God. Oh my God. It’s you. Is it really you?”

“Yes my son. It’s me”

“But why are you here - to collect me? Means I am going to die?”

“Well let’s just say, I am fulfilling your belief”

“What belief?”

“Don’t you remember today’s date? Its December the 21^st, 2012”

“Oh is it? Yes it is. So it’s happening. Mayans, Mayans were right. I knew it. I always knew it.”

“Yes they were right and so was your belief.”

“But why? why?”

“Son, let’s just say these are my rules. All things, good or bad do come to an end. Like, like your childhood, like your youth, like your golden days or like the days when you were sick, like when you were really pissed off with life. Everything has to end one day”

“Yeah, even Ra.One ended” I said with tongue in cheek.

“Oh, thank God it ended” he said and immediately realized that he himself was God “I mean thank me”

“Yes I do. All of us do. But tell me something; are you individually collecting everyone like you have come to collect me?”

“Well I would love to. But the rate at which you people have grown, it’s physically impossible for me to do so.

“Oh is it? Why are you visiting me then?”

“I took out the list of people of were the biggest crib masters – why I’ve never won a lottery? You name came out the in the lucky draw in that list. This is the lottery of your life”

“Finally, hope fructifies. But oh almighty, I wish you had given me some hint about this. Maybe I would have lived my life differently”

“I did give hints my son. I gave loads of hints. The tsunami in Japan was a hint; your so called credit crisis was a hint, uncontrollably increased entropy of this planet was a hint, Vinay Kumar making his test debut was a hint”

“But can’t we do anything to avoid it? I mean they must have got some plans, the Yankees I mean. They have saved this planet so many times, so what if in movies. They have done it”

For first time during our conversation, I saw his smile fading a bit “I will highly appreciate if you don’t take their name”

“Why? Are they not your children?”

“Yes they are. But they are really mischievous kids of mine. My house is divided on whether to take them or not”

“Why is that so?”

“Artful sellers they are. They sold some investment ideas to Indra. When Indra suffered some losses, Yankees showed him some calculations which were actually showing Indra’s losses as his profits. Indra took some more exposure. This went on and on. Indra ended up with such huge losses that Kubera had to come for his rescue. Now rumor has it that Yankees are trying to sell Kubera some of their investment plans”

“Oh, this all has reached there too?”

“Yes my son. Your world is burning. When there is fire, there is smoke. The smoke has reached up heavens too” he said while pointing upwards.

“I am listening”

“Now Indra wants Yankees to come and sell his plans to Kubera too. With Kubera making same mistakes, Indra will have the monkey off his back”

“Well this is how it works often. Make sure your preacher makes the same mistake and he will not be preaching you again” I said in a sympathizing tone.

“I don’t want them in my house either. I don’t want a recession at my place for sure. But lawmakers in my place are adamant – this planet has to be vacated. Mother Nature has been complaining of being overloaded for ages. I have a dilemma”

“So what are you going to do my Lord?” I asked.

“Well, I will have to take them ultimately. But I will also have to make sure that they remain decoupled from the rest”

“Completely?” I wondered.

“Maybe to start with, but as you know, they are my kids too. I cannot discriminate. Maybe they could prove their innocence and make amends after causing a rift in my house”

“How can they do it?”

“They have told me about some instruments which give handsome returns. They have said that these instruments are compliant with all the regulations and there are absolutely no chances of another catastrophic crisis. In addition to this, these instruments will give me handsome returns with minimal risks”

“So they have sold you as well into it?”

“Not the way they did it to Indra. I am not that stupid. But I also need to look after my funds. Once this planet is done away with, I will need huge amounts of funds for capital expenditure so that I can sow seeds of life in some other planet. Yankees can help me there. I have done all my due diligence”

“God, don’t you think you are making the same mistake we all made, Indra made?”

“Nope. I have checked the business plan, the NAV, run several stress tests in worst case scenarios. I have checked it all”

“But that everyone did. You are falling in the trap. Please don’t, please. You are becoming greedy. It’s the greed which killed us all.”

“I know what I am doing son. And let me remind you, I am God. I am immortal. Now if you please hurry up, we got some distance to cover. So hurry you up, and I will go start my engine” he said while moving out.

A loud cacophonous sound hit my ears. With each passing second, it was becoming louder. I woke up. The movie 2012 was in its climax. I switched off the TV and went back to sleep.

An ode to DC downtown – the Dange Chowk!!!

2012-01-10T22:49:00.003+05:30

An ode to DC downtown – the Dange Chowk!!!

On the left of Mumbai-pune expressway, lots of dust in my hair

Warm smell of diesel, thick smog in the air

Up ahead in the distance, somewhere in my sight

I saw a busy crossroad, with no traffic light

The traffic grew heavy and hopes to drive through got dim

I had to stop in my plight

There it stood in the doorway

It looked like a huge well

And I was thinking to myself

This could be heaven or this could be hell

A traffic cop came to me and I had to make his day

There were shouts of expletives all around me

I thought I heard them say…

Welcome to the DC downtown

Such a lovely place

Plenty of chaos in DC downtown

Anytime of the year, you can find it here

To one side there is Pimpari,

One side is Kalewadi Phata,

It also leads to Hinjewadi,

But in total it looks like a massively erroneous errata

Its roads are totally busted, and they are full of gutters

Even if you get Schumi, he can’t drive without flutters

Even if you drive in 5 degree Fahrenheit, you will still sweat

For sure this is one country road, you just cannot forget

So I called up the God,

And told him this place is divine

He said, we have been collecting spirits here since nineteen sixty nine

And all those voices keep calling from far away,

They wake you up in the middle of the night

You just hear them say...

Welcome to the DC downtown

Such a lovely place

So many souls here, took their last vows

What a daredevil place, bring all your foes

No lights on the street,

Lot of potholes to greet

Often here they say life is a struggle, it’s not a treat

And the days of rain,

There is a lot to gain

If the place becomes like Venice

You can’t call it pain

Last thing I remember, I was

Crossing it in the night

An oil tanker on my left and I had a Tumtum on my right

There was nowhere to go and a truck was pushing me from the back

My prayers got answered

And I got away just with a minor scratch

Oh I could hear them all say

Welcome to the DC downtown

Such a lovely place

Go pay it a visit and you will aggrieve

Maybe you can do so but your memories, it won’t leave

Welcome to the DC downtown

Such a lovely place

PS 1: Credit goes to Eagles for all the inspiration!!!

PS 2: Pun intended!!!

The Past, the Present and the Future!!!

2012-01-04T20:00:00.000+05:30

While driving back home, I almost ran into an extraordinarily odd-looking and extremely lean creature today. If I didn’t see him, it wasn’t entirely my fault – he was so slim that he looked to be living in 2-D. I put my entire body weight on the breaks, got out and was about to hurl expletives before something strange struck me. I had seen him somewhere. But where? Yeah pictures, I had seen him many a times in photographs. But where? Not newspapers or magazines for sure? Maybe somewhere else. Maybe in some photo albums.

But what happened next was beyond my imagination. He jumped inside my car and was sitting next to me.

“What the @#$$!@” I shouted.

“Drive” he ordered.

I stared at him with intentions to kill him. If it was a robbery, I could easily have over powered him. One slap and he was going to fall flat on the floor.

“Dude, can’t you see the crowd which has started to surround you. Now either you drive or I hand you over to them. You almost hit me, didn’t you? And relax, it’s not a robbery”

“Okay” my foot was on accelerator. Getting robbed looked like a better choice than getting bashed up by a mob.

“Who are you?” I asked while trying to recall about his face which did look spectacularly familiar.

“Dude, can’t you recognize me? I am you”

“Oh, is it. Then who am I” I laughed while mocking him.

“Well, it’s not a joke. I am you. I am what you were some 11 years back” he sounded serious.

“Oh yeah, right” I was still mocking him.

“I have travelled ahead in time to meet you. Trust me. Okay, let me tell you something you have never told anyone”

“Please go ahead”

It started a range of secrets which, in ways, were secrets to even my conscious mind. But was it true? Can people traverse in time? Was he really me in year 2000?

“How did you end up here? How did you make it possible?”

“Well, I was extremely sad about my present. Hence I prayed to God. He heard me and sent me in your time to see the future.”

“So you have come to me to ask about my last 11 years which would be your future”

“Good to see that my mind will still work after 11 years” he smiled.

“And what exactly you want to know?” I enquired.

“Lots actually. But before sending me here, God put a condition. I can only enquire about cricket since that was the reason behind my sadness”

“Why? What happened?”

“Don’t you remember? If your memory is so weak, how am I going to learn about my future?”

“Oh yeah. It’s 3rd January. India must be reeling in Sydney and heading for a 3-0 defeat”

“Yes. It’s sickening now. We hardly ever win. If we are in a losing position, we lose 100% from such positions. If we are in a winning position, we lose 80% of the times”

“I am listening” I said.

“It’s all about Sachin. In fact I don’t follow the game. I follow him. We all do the same. In Sachin we trust, rest all is Gagan Khoda”

“Okay.”

“There are a few new kids like Dravid who looks like Sanjay Manjraker in a mask, Laxman who continues to remain a great potential and Ganguly who doesn’t even go to discs/pubs because they have bouncers.”

“Okay. What do you think about the bowling?”

“Well, Kumble is as good as Sachin. Sree and Venky are like Yogis sent to a war. Agarkar is decent. But we don’t win. We just don’t bloody win”

“So why don’t you give up and pay attention to something else, maybe studies.”

“Oh please, not you. Even if I become a bookworm, I won’t be doing anything else but an amazingly boring desk job.”

“If you study well, maybe you will get to do what you like”

“Dude, if I am going to become a boring preacher like you are, I better not grow up. I’ll never like anything else but this game yaar. This is my passion. This is my life. Alas, it will never become my job.”

“So?”

“So I don’t want to give up. And to top it all, we have Sachin. He never gives up. Neither do I.”

“Why are you here then?”

“Well you would have realized it by your age I guess. Self-doubt has always been with me like a shadow. I just want to find out if all die-hard following is going to result in something worthwhile. Or shall I pick up some other sport as a passion.”

“Oh. So following this game for 11 years is considered as your hardship and you want to know the results”

“I think I better not grow up. TELL ME MY FUTURE. SHALL WE EVER WIN?” he shouted.

“Okay, okay young man. Chill. Your future is brighter than your past.”

“Oh really? Things will turn around?”

“Yes they will – for good and in fact far better”

“Is it? Who will do it? Who will turn it around? Will Sachin do it or God will take a new Avatar?”

“Easy, easy. The potential great Laxman will show his potential in this match itself.”

“You mean we are going to win?”

“Nope. We will lose this match. But things will change”

“Tell me. Tell me all”

“Youngman, if I tell you everything, you will lose more than you gain. Life will become extremely boring if you know the future”

“Okay, got it. Tell me whatever you feel like” his statement made me happy. I wasn’t so dumb in my youth.

“First there will be a huge chaos. Sky will fall down. Earth will collapse. This will be known as match fixing”

“Oh” he was agape.

“But then, Ganguly will take lead. Him and the rest three will form the core. You will get some new players of excellent quality”

“I hope you are not referring to Gagan Khoda or Debang Gandhi or Kanitkar or likes”

“Nope. New kids will do well, really well. We will not win everything. Maybe we will lose more than we win. But even if we go down, we will go down fighting”

“You mean Indians will finally show tooth, nail and killer instinct. We will bite”

“Yes we will. We will reach a world cup final. We will win another world cup. We will become number one test team in the world. Golden days are ahead of you my dear decade-younger-self.”

“Thank god. I always knew it. That is why I never give up”

“Yes. Eden 2001 will happen. Hedingly 2002 will happen. Adelaide 2003 will happen. Wankhede 2011 will happen.”

“What is all that - all good I suppose?”

“Yes. And since you need bitterness in life to value sweets, some bad things will also happen. Like Melbourne 2003. Like Johannesburg 2003. Like Sydney 2008. Like Greg Chappell. Like Ravindra Jadeja”

“Okay, okay. Enough. I got what I came here for. I guess I must be leaving now. There is absolutely no need to give up. I better sleep early to see what VVS does tomorrow. BTW, I forgot to ask. Why are you looking so sad today?”

“Well, I am in the same place you are currently, maybe even worse. My future seems to be worse than your past”

“How could that be possible? You listed so many good things.”

“Remember, unlike you, I am in my present. Your future is my past. I cannot see my future, I can only assess it. It’s bleak”

“We have started losing – like 90s?”

“Worse”

“But what about all the heroes you mentioned? What about Sachin”

“You are ten years ahead in time my friend. They have all grown old – even the kids you are about to see looks to be ageing”

“So the new crop isn’t good enough to carry the baton”

“I don’t see any good crop. I am disheartened. I am shattered. I am doomed” my tone was getting more and more pensive.

“Is it that bad? Pick up something else” he looked worried for his future’s future.

“You can afford it, not me. I am too old to try new things. Its catch 22 – difficult to hold onto this and impossible to pick up a new interest”

“Well, keep hoping, like I did”

“Yes. At this stage in life, hope seems to be the only option”

“Yes. You never know. Some new kid may do what VVS is going to do tomorrow in my time.”

“Hope so” I felt a bit consoled.

“Hope is all I have. Hope is all you can have” he said and started making some strange sound. It kept getting louder and louder. Before I could stop him, I woke up. It was my alarm. It was time to get ready to report to office. Just before I decided to leave, I checked the score. Clarke and Ponting were killing our bowlers.

Office humor - part 6!!!

2011-12-21T20:20:00.003+05:30

Did you get the mail???

I received a message on my phone from an ex-colleague. For next few minutes, we conversed through text-messages.

“Hi. How are you doing?”

“I am fine. How are you?” I replied.

“I need a favor from you” he replied back.

“Tell me”

“A friend of mine is looking for a job. Can you forward his CV to your friends?”

“No issues. Mail it to me.”

“Can I have your mail-id please?” he enquired.

“It’s fultoo.bakar at gmail” I replied back. In our conversation, I gave him my real mail-id but I am not typing it here. Never give away personal details on a public forum is what I often hear.

“I’ve sent it in a mail. Could you please acknowledge the receipt?” he replied.

“No mate. Haven’t received anything”

“Can you please confirm your mail-id?”

“It’s fultoo.bakar at gmail” I replied back.

“Can you check if you have received it now?” he wondered.

“No luck. My mail id is fultoo.bakar@gmail.com” I had to do what I was trying to avoid till now – searching for @ and dot symbols in my phone and typing it.

“Sent again”

“I got it this time”

Now why did the delivery of the mail failed in first two attempts and succeeded in third, I leave it to you to decide the reason. I have not been able to figure it out.

Australia!!!

2011-12-14T19:29:00.003+05:30

Australia - the land of commodities i.e. the iron ores, the coals, and the BHP Billiton’s of the worlds. Australia - the land crowded with 2.25 billion people, an amount similar to what we add every year or an amount much lesser than what Mumbai holds. Australia – where 80% of the population resides on less than 20% of the land. Australia is perhaps only country in the world where different states are separate by straight lines.

Australia – where almost everything is grand in size be it size of the country itself, people or the grounds. Some of the Australian grounds are so big that sometimes fielders pray to god “Hope it crosses the boundary line else they will run five”. And cricket, cricket is hostile, competitive and a treat to watch – thanks to channel 9. Cricket means bowlers hurling hand grenades at our batsmen, batsmen pounding millions of runs against our bowlers and their fielders grabbing at everything which passes within 20 meters of their vicinity. If cricketing excellence isn’t enough, there is sufficient “having a go at each other which keeps the game away from being dull” sugarcoated in form of mental disintegration. Like the most permanent thing in life – change, some of them have changed over the year. Or maybe lots of them have changed during last three years.

However, come an Australian tour and mind goes back to the memories of getting up early in the morning as sun rises there few hours before it rises here, covering yourself in the blankets before switching on the TV as we normally play there in December-February period. Normally it’s fun unless your team isn’t badly mauled by Australians – watching the picturesque Australian grounds further beautified by channel 9 cameras while enjoying the winters. Here is how I remember our Australian tours –

1991-92, the half a decade long tour – We travel to Australia with probably the best batting line up in the world, on paper that is. In Tracer bullet and Cheeka, we have a perfect mix of defense and aggression. We have a future star in Sanjay Manjrekar, hero of Mecca Dilip Vengsarkar, magician of wrists Azhar and child prodigy Sachin. We bat deep. Our bowling is a worry though. We play 5 tests, possibly 10 ODIs in B&H cup and in the best case scenario, 11 ODIs in the WC92.

We lose in Brisbane. We lose in Melbourne. 2-0 down in a 5 match series isn’t the best of starts.

Come year 1992 and we decided to fight back in Sydney. Tracer Bullet scores a double hundred. Sachin scores an unbeaten 148. Australia is playing a blonde and round leggie who has come with a big reputation. He scores a 150 too albeit while bowling. Sydney is supposed to be spinner’s paradise in Australia. Australia has to bat out on day five pitch to save the match. Our spinners are going to bundle them out for nothing. But do we have spinners? Holy cow, we are playing 4 pacers, in Sydney, on a pitch full of cracks. Our only spinner is Tracer Bullet who takes 4 for 45. In desperate need to bowl spin from both ends, even Manoj Prabhakar bowls a few overs of spin. Border and McDermott save the test. We manage a moral victory.

We move to Adelaide, the batsmen’s paradise in Australia. Australians are surprised when they are asked to bat on such a supposedly benign track. They are so surprised that they get bundled out for 145. We surprise them by getting bowled out for 225. Sanity prevails. Australians score big in their second innings. We need 338 to win in 4th innings and manage to lose by 38. Azhar, the man with magical wrists, scores a wonderful century. Series score line reads 3-0.

We move to Perth for final rituals and lose. Michael Whitney takes a career best 7/27. Sachin scores his one of the best centuries and shows he has it in him – the fire inside to fight the fury. By the way, we did play a specialist spinner in pacers paradise called Perth. Maybe we compensated for Sydney.

We somehow manage to reach the finals of B&H cup. Australia scores a tad over 200 in the first final. We are almost sure to win thanks to snail-paced innings by Tracer Bullet and scintillating half century by Sachin. We need 20 of 18. Sachin gets out and sets a trend for the rest of the decade – if he cannot win it for us, we cannot win it. At one point of time we need 14 of 10 with two recognized batsmen at the crease. We lose.

WC92 arrives. We win our world cup i.e. the match against Pakistan. Pakistan wins the real world cup. Thank god the tour is over.

1999-2000, the massacre – We travel to Australia with a completely new set of batsmen, barring Sachin. Problem begins there itself. Barring Sachin no one looks like competing.

Adelaide – Sachin scores a half century in the first innings and a shoulder-before-wicket dismissal in the second innings. Agarkar scores 19 in the first innings. That remains his only score in the test series. He scores a golden duck in the second innings. We lose.

Melbourne – Sachin scores a century in the first innings and a half century in the second innings. We lose. Agarkar collects a king pair.

Sydney – Sachin fails. We lose. Agarkar misses the king pair this time by surviving his first ball in the second innings he gets out in the second innings. He is named Bombay duck now. But just before we lose, we see a glimpse of our future. VVS Laxman leaves Australians gasping. He leaves all of us agape. He leaves Australians chasing the leather. He leaves all of us lauding his efforts. His 167 in Sydney is the best I’ve seen any Indian play in Australia – I didn’t see Sachin’s 114 in Perth-92. Series reads 3-0. Some say - winning doesn’t always matters, competing does. We do neither – win or compete.

We do ourselves a favor by not making it to the finals of B&H cup. What is the point in playing 2 extra matches in the finals and getting beaten in an insulting manner? We win a match against Pakistan and come back happily. That remains our only victory on the tour. We are actually happy to come back.

2003-2004, Adelaide – First time in my cricket viewing career, I can say with some confidence that we have a team which can compete. Australia is missing Warne, courtesy some banned drugs mistakenly given to him by his mom, and McGrath. Yet, Australians are Australians. Steve Waugh is determined to avenge the shattering of his dreams of winning the final frontier in 2001. He threatens of chin music. We all are worried for dada.

Brisbane – Chin music begins. But before that, Z roars. We come back to chin music. Bengal tiger roars. We avoid defeat. After ages, we will be going undefeated in the second test of a foreign tour. BTW, Bombay duck breaks the sequence of ducks – he scores a few.

Adelaide – Australia scores 558. India is reeling at 85 for 3. Someone reminds Dravid of Eden2001 – how he helped India winning from a position of complete discomfort. But there he had VVS for company. Here he is batting with Dada. “Get lost Dada, I want my favorite partner to bat with me” he says and runs out Dada. We are 85/4 now. VVS joins Dravid. They start the magic. They bat, bat and bat. VVS goes. Dravid continues. India fall short of 558 by 20 odd runs. Bombay duck wakes up. He takes his revenge. Australia collapses. We need 220 to win. Australia keeps making our life difficult. But they just cannot cross the Wall. I will never forget that cut shot, realization that it is going for four, that taking the cap out and lifting of those hands. Wall you beauty.

Melbourne – I get up late and run towards the TV room in my hostel. I am in for a shock – we have scored 120 odd without loss in the first session. “Footwork my foot” is the headlines in one of the newspapers after Sehwag scores a scintillating 195. Fresh from the victory in Adelaide and 249 for one on day one in Melbourne – it’s a recipe for a series win is what I think. I am outthought. We lose. 1-1 it stands before we move to Sydney.

Sydney – Sachin’s cover drives have been failing him till now. He decides to chuck them. Chuck them he does - 241 to Sachin, without cover drives, 704 to India. Australians are tottering in reply. It’s down to Katich and the tail-enders now to save Australia. We resort to our favorite strategy of “Let the better batsman breathe easy and target tail-enders”. As expected we fail. Australia avoids follow-on. They need to bat out the last day. Bowlers keep creating chances. Parthiv Patel keeps fluffing them. Steve Waugh shows what he has been all these years. He walks out of the ground and cricket but not before saving the match. 1-1 it is.

We compete better than our last two outings in the triangular ODI series. Yet we lose the finals. But overall, this has been the best tour so far. I will never forget that cut shot, realization that it is going for four, that taking the cap out and lifting of those hands. Wall you beauty.

2007-2008, controversies – We land in Australia and go straight to Melbourne to play our first test. Story resorts back to what happened in 90s. We lose. We lose badly.

We move to Sydney. Things change. Australia is tottering before Steve Bucknor fails to hear an edge which is heard in even West Indies. May be he should have been in West Indies. Symonds rocks. Australia scores a decent score. India begins its reply. Sachin scores a ton. Harbhajan and Symonds fight. Harbhajan scores a 50. India gets a slim lead. But we bat last. And our batting doesn’t last. We need to survive 12 balls with three wickets in hand. We lose them all to a part timer, the same part timer who turned the match on its head in Mumbai-2004. Hell breaks loose after this match. But that does not happen because of cricket.

Perth – Australia have won 16th tests in a row. Last time they tried winning 17th in a row, Eden 2001 happened. This time Australians are going to play in their own den, on their ground which has been an unassailable fort for ages. It’s Perth. Australians say they will beat us in 4 days. After all it’s supposed to be the fastest wicket on planet. Their new opener, Chris Rogers, suggests otherwise – he says we will be beaten in 3 days. Chin music begins. Yet we manage a decent lead in the first innings. Australia bat last. They need 414 to win. Pathan makes sure their openers remain a formality. In comes Ricky Ponting – the man at the peak of his powers. A rookie pacer is bowling to him. He bowls a sharp in-cutter. Ponting is beaten. The rookie does it again. Ponting is beaten again. It continues. At one point of time, Ponting looks ashamed to be at the crease. It’s like David dictating terms to goliath. This spell must be one of the best. Finally Ponting’s agony ends and he falls. So do Australians. 2-1 it is now.

Adelaide – We manage a draw. Sehwag makes a comeback. We lose the series by 2-1. It could easily have been 2-1 in our favor but Steve Bucknor and his colleagues had other ideas.

Finally we manage to win the triangular ODI series and salvage lot of pride.

I must admit, for the first time we look to have our chances better than Australians. But I thought so for the England tour as well. You all know what happened there. I don’t remember it. I hope this Australian tour does turn out to be a memorable one.

The Superstar!!!

2011-12-08T00:03:00.002+05:30

80s was coming to an end. Last decade of the century was starting. Cold war was in its last phase. Germans, from two different sides of the same wall, were getting reunited. Situation in the Middle East was getting trickier with each passing day.

At home, Congress was realizing twice in two decades that ruling this country wasn’t its birth right. If a new star was born in form of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar, another star in Amithabh Bacchan was fighting his way back to super stardom through movies like Toofan and Jaadugar.

And I, I was soon going to enter my teens.

Anil Kapoor was declared as next super star courtesy his 4 hits – Ram Lakhan, a multi starrer hit; Tezab, movie which positioned him as a replacement of Amithabh’s angry young man image; Rakhwala, a movie where credit went to him and only him and Eeshwar, a critically acclaimed success. But very soon, his success turned out to be the boom of 2010 after the recession of 2008. So did Amir Khan, Salman and the rest.

Watching a movie wasn’t really an easy option during those days. DD showed one movie per week, there was no cable TV and to watch it in a cinema hall wasn’t really an easy option for school-goers like me. A very prevalent trend used to be “Video-Shows” where you would hire someone to come with a colored TV, a VCR/VCP and few video cassettes of your choice. He would charge you around Rs. 30/- per movie. We watched these movies throughout the night.

Someone in my neighborhood was celebrating his kid’s birthday and arranged for the video-show.

First movie to be played was a movie about which I had heard multiple times from my father – Guide. He used to talk about the movie and its hero – Dev Anand, at length. Dev Anand used to be his favorite hero. One day I read Dev Anand’s interview in a newspaper where he claimed to be “the super star”. I asked my dad about it and he told me “Dev Anand will always be much bigger star than your Anil Kapoors or Amir Khans of the world. He even beats Amitabh in the pecking order”. Dad left me puzzled, how come such an old man could be “the super star”. He hasn’t even given a hit in recent times. I hadn’t seen a single Dev Anand movie till date.

Although the movie of my interest was to be played after Guide, as it was a movie based on cricket, I watched Guide with lot of interest. I didn’t understand the movie completely – movie was a bit too intense for a kid, I still liked it in pieces. After all it was supposed to be an entertainer. But what interested me most was Dev Anand’s style of acting – his right hand was always stretched out, his left hand was always adjusting his scarf and head was as stable as Sensex is these days. Sunil Gavakar would have committed suicide if he had ever seen Dev Anand holding a cricket bat and batting – “A batsman must hold his bat as still as a dead man” is what Gavaskar often says. To be honest, I was a bit bored by the time Guide ended – maybe the movie was too heavy for my age or maybe I couldn’t wait to watch the next movie – Awwal Number.

Awwal Number was about the subject of my interest, in fact the only subject in which I was interested. It was about cricket. It was about a “no-one”, being handpicked by the chairman of selectors – Dev Anand, replacing the “star of the side”, the hatred generated out of this turning into terrorism and demanding withdrawal of India’s forces from Pakistan Border. Aamir Khan played the “no-one” and Aditya Pancholi played the star – both in the starting phases of their respective acting careers. If you see the current state of affairs, you will realize that Aamir khan has managed to make a respectable acting career whereas Aditya Pancholi is yet to start acting. The difference in the acting was visible in the movie itself. While Aditya Pancholi tried acting to bat like a star, Aamir the “no-one” did bat like no one does – not even Ashish Nehra. Hope Nehra doesn’t sue me on the basis of I mentioning his style of batting and Aamir’s batting in Awwal Number in the same sentence.

Coming back to the movie - after being replaced by Aamir khan in the side, Aditya Pancholi takes extreme steps. No, he doesn’t announce his retirement like some Pakistani cricketers do or alleges everyone of match fixing like rest of the Pakistani cricketers do. He takes the route which lots of normal Pakistanis take – route of terrorism.

Aditya Pancholi, with the help of some terrorists, plants a bomb in the stadium where Aamir Khan would make his debut. This gets converted in a serious law and order situation. Director General of Police, Dev Anand, takes the situation in his own hands. Terrorists demand withdrawal of India’s peace keeping forces from the border and government of India appoints a negotiator, again Dev Anand, to deal with them.

The match goes on. Aamir Khan single-handedly takes India to victory. Crowd, oblivion to the fact that they are sitting on a bomb which is being monitored by Aditya Pancholi in a helicopter hovering above the stadium, enjoys the cricket match. Clock keeps ticking. The moment of explosion keeps coming nearer. India needs a savior –off the ground. India needs a hero.

In the end, it all boils down to one man who keeps informing the press about the situation of the bomb, tells terrorists that India doesn’t negotiate with them, hunts down all the terrorists, nails down Aditya Pancholi from the helicopter and finally defuses the bomb. That hero is Dev Anand. And no, there are no multiple roles. It’s Dev Anand who plays the role of a chairman of single man selection committee, deputy general of police, the national negotiator, one-man ATS, government representative to face the press and the bomb diffuser. He also had to carry the duties of writing and directing the movie. I was mighty impressed by this multi-faceted, multi directional, multi dimensional performance by the legend called Dev Anand.

Rumor has it that Dev Anand was going to play the role of Aamir Khan but he didn’t do it at the behest of some senior politicians. They didn’t want Sunil Gavaskar to commit suicide. It is also rumored that these politicians granted permission to Dev Anand to make a movie where he was going to play leader or the ruling party, speaker of the parliament and the ruler of opposition.

No. My intention is not to make fun of a great man after his demise, not at all. The intention is to salute the spirit of his.

Okay. To be honest, I have never been a great fan of Dev Anand – apart from some of his old movies when he wasn’t really old e.g. Hum Dono, Guide.

But what I always liked about him and admired was his dedication towards his profession of movie making and courage to continue with it by defying his age. He looked like a man hungry for acting, writing, directing and acting. He looked like a man hungry to be involved in every second of he did. He looked like a man hungry for life and living every second of it.

When he wrote, he would be the pivot around which the story revolved. A murder mystery maybe about the suspects, the murderer or even the murdered but it’s the one who catches the murderer gets away with all the credits. Dev Anand played the cop who nabs the murderer in Sau Crore.

When he directed, it would be him to occupying the maximum length of the reel. When Awwal Number stars focusing on terrorists instead of cricket, chairman of selectors has no role to play in the movie. Hence Dev Anand also plays the deputy general of police. When matter goes beyond police, Dev Anand becomes the one who catches the villain and diffuses the bomb.

When he acted, he would be the hero, the good cop, the good politician and the one who gets to romance with the hottest chic in the movie. He was everyone. Everyone else was no one in his movies.

The man loved his profession beyond the boundaries of craziness. The man was so much in love with himself that he could be termed as self-obsessed. The man lived a life. This is what he teaches – not only to love what you do but also to love yourself. If you can do so, nothing can stop you – not even age. After all it’s for nothing they say – he wasn’t 88 when he died, he was four times twenty two.

I tempt to say the usual - may his soul rest in peace. But I am sure, somewhere in the heavens; he would be busy preparing the script for his next movie.

The success and the successor!!!

2011-11-29T20:59:00.004+05:30

It’s easier to swim with the tide, not so otherwise. It’s easier to move on when there is a pat on your back with every step you move forward, not so when every step forward results in people spitting on your face. Neither is the case always for most of us. Not everyone is a Sonam Kapoor – patted on the back for her dress sense no matter how atrocious it may look. Not everyone is a Rahul Gandhi – perceived as a future PM no matter how mindless his impromptu speeches may sound. Leave aside everyone, there has been and will be only one Sachin Tendulkar – seen as a child prodigy for last 22 years. For every Sonam Kapoor, there is a Mallika Sherawat – always ridiculed no matter what she wears if she does. For every Rahul Gandhi, there is a Mayawati – I don’t see much of a difference between these two. For every Sachin, there is a Sir Jadeja. Let’s look at two of such characters who swim against the tide between those 22 yards.

Sir Agarkar – Opposition is reeling at 185 for 8 in 47 overs. We have our fastest bowler waiting to finish off his quota. We can easily expect a target not exceeding 190. Enter our fastest bowler to bowl 48th and 50th over. The result - we get to chase 230. Such was the magic of Sir Agarkar. Till date, there has been no bigger potential all-rounder than the Sir himself. Even his name suggested that, Agar-Kar which roughly means “what if he actually does”. This if remained one of the biggest mysteries during the last decade, may be bigger than Digvijay Singh’s grey cells. Sir Ajit always lived in extremes - from 5 ducks in a row to fastest 50, from fastest 50 wickets to imploding at worst possible moments, from toe crushing inswinging Yorkers to juicy half volleys. No matter how much we all detested his selection, he kept coming back – series after series.

Sir Ajit had an aura about him. Whatever he did, it was all style. Remember his swing of the bat in his stance when he rotated it one full circle after the ball left bowler’s hand and before it reached him? It was like he was gathering momentum to send the ball to moon. Okay, he may have missed the ball a few times because of this swing – 5 times in a row in Australia. But ball did travel when he hit it – no matter how rarely it was. Do you remember his celebrations after taking a wicket when he lifted his both forearms in front of his face, showing all the bones he had and shouted agape? Or do you remember those innocent expressions whenever he was hit, actually quite often, as if he was saying – I had no idea he had a bat in his hands, I though he came empty handed to the crease. Sir Ajit served India severely for many years and now he continued his hunt for runs with the ball and wickets with the bat for KKR also. Long live Sir Ajit but only after your retirement. Until then, please don’t make another comeback.

Sir Jadeja – Sir Jadeja came to limelight after his scintillating performance in U19 world cup in 2008. His long and straightened hair made him look like larger than he is. Go to youtube, watch his videos and tell me if you take out his blue dress and wrap around just a banana leaf around his waist, will he not resemble with Mahabali Shaaka or Tarzan. Sir Jadeja made a half century in his Debut ODI and joined the list of some scintillating batsmen who had achieved this hallmark – Saba Karim, Pravin Amre. A little extrapolation tells us that his career is secured as a) cricket expert at Aaj Tak or b) coach of some IPL team. Unfortunately India lost the match and since then, Sir Jadeja became an expert torchbearer who reduced deficit every time India faced the darkness of defeat. All his five 50s have come in losing causes. Being a left handed batsman and a left arm spinner, he tried to emulate another Indian great Sunil Joshi’s famous Chennai – 1999 heroics in Mohali -2009. Sir Jadeja remains the only Indian bowler to achieve a hallmark which only Stuart ‘Barbie’ Broad and Dan Van Bunge have – to be hit 6 consecutive sixes ininternational cricket. “Everything Yuvraj does , I can do better.” is what he secretly announced after the match. Some may consider this a completely unwanted record. Hence Sir Jadeja broke this record, in a different way, and did it in two overs – 6 sixes were equally distributed across his two consecutive overs. While there have been nation-wide protests to oppose his selection, few politicians have even threatened to go on hunger strike, Sir Jadeja kept coming back to the national side. Some say he has some secret documents of agricultural ministry in his possession hence he keeps coming back, some say he was to an important selector what Gambhir was to Ishant Sharma in THAT video. Just that Sir Jadeja performed his duties with lot more intensity and regularity with that selector. But it all went in vain, protests in mean. Sir Jadeja is back and back with vengeance. Who can forget his 70+ innings in India’s last tour to England when he took India from a score of “I may not get a chance to bowl” to “I can bowl my 10 overs now”. It’s a different matter that all of us have forgotten if India ever travelled to England after 2007. But he is back. He is back with a bang – MOS in last home series against England proves that. What more, he may well be thinking of knocking the doors of test side with his recent triple ton in domestic cricket. Don’t be surprised if he does break into the test side. After all, Sir Jadeja has a phoenix touch about him. He is a true successor to Sir Agarkar. God save us all.

Till date, only Sir Jadeja can claim to be real successor of Sir Agarkar as he has made several unreasonable and strange come backs. There have been many more who have tried to fill in the shoes of Sir Agarkar – like Irfan Pathan with his increasingly slow bowling or Sreesanth with his increasing stupidity. Both can be lethal in their bowling for the team they are bowling – on their day. Normally every day is their day.

But they have yet not come close to the hallmark of Sir Ajit as they have either been out of the side for too long, Irfan Pathan, or have given sparks of brilliance, Sreesanth. However, given a chance I think Sreesanth still has it in him to be Sir Agarkar. Can he do it for Sir Ajit? Only time will tell.

Cricket and Wives!!!

2011-10-16T18:31:00.000+05:30

Given my dumb head, God has compensated me with really sharp ears. Eavesdropping is one of my strengths. I happened to overhear this conversation today –

A: Dude, what’s up?

B: Nothing, just too sleepy.

A: I can see that. Your eyes look too red. Not well?

B: I am fine man.

A: Then?

B: Wife had gone back to her parent’s place for a week. She came back yesterday.

A: Oh. That explains your lack of sleep. (Smiles and winks)

B: Not the way you are thinking. We had a bit of a tiff last night and by the time cease fire was declared, it was 3:00AM.

A: What happened?

B: Well nothing really. I went back home last evening and we decided to go out.

A: Last evening? How could you?

B: Yeah, but you know all this.

A: Then what happened. You missed the match?

B: Haan yaar. Just before going out I asked her to wait for some time so that I can watch a bit of the match.

A: Oh. If I was Mr. Tracer Bullet, I would have said – “That must have set the cat among the pigeons”.

B: Yeah. As soon as I switched onto the match, she started shouting, “We are meeting after more than a week and still you are more interested in this stupid cricket match. Why the hell you married me. You look much happier with this stupid game”

A: Haha, then?

B: Then what? You can imagine the rest. I wish I could tell her that if we were meeting after more than a week, India was winning after more than three months.

A: Don’t remind me of that England tour please. You could have explained it to her.

B: You are also married. Have you ever tried explaining?

A: You are mad or what?

B: Haha, the big vehicle-small vehicle concept.

A: Yeah I know. No matter what is the truth, bigger vehicle is always at a fault in an accident.

B: And husband is the bigger vehicle in accident called marriage. Man, I had to miss the thrashing of England last night.

A: It was good. They played worse than how we played in England.

B: Sometimes I wonder – God should either have invented cricket or wives.

A: I know. I am sure he invented cricket first.

B: How?

A: God invented cricket. Then he saw people like us getting so lost in the game that they almost forgot God.

B: True. Hence he invented wives so that we don’t forget the almighty.

A: Exactly. Every time there is a cricket match, he switches onto his avtar in wives so that we don’t forget God.

B: I agree.

A: Anyways, we won emphatically.

B: Tell me more.

A: To tell you the truth, I also didn’t see the match.

B: What? Why?

A: As you know, today is Karwa Chauth so wife is fasting.

B: So you had to take her out to a grand dinner so that she could prepare for today’s fast.

A: I can see an improvement in your intellect in my company.

There was a big laughter followed by long silence. After a few minutes, both of them spoke almost simultaneously – “When are they showing the highlights? I hope it doesn’t coincide with the timing of moon tonight.”

PS1 – My intention is to see if you can find some sense in my humor.

PS2 – Remember, I was “eavesdropping”.

PS3 – Any sentiments hurt are deeply regretted.

PS4 – No more PS.

Pehle pyar ka pehla gam!!!

2011-10-12T22:09:00.007+05:30

I have always been an extremely reluctant driver. Call it my well accepted laziness or poorly disguised clumsiness; driving is something that always gives me jitters. So after four years of consistent persuasion, frequent reminders and fatal threats by my better half, I was forced to buy a car. I had learnt driving few months back but it was on traffic-less roads of Bhopal which were as wide as a highway. I had never driven in a traffic created by people willing to risk their lives so that they can reach their destination faster by a few minutes.

“Firsts” in life always excite you. People cherish the memories of their first love even on their deathbed. First kiss may send you in the state of coma for weeks. First job is always followed by numerous credit cards and hefty bills even before the first salary arrives. On the evening I got the delivery of my first bike, I felt like taking rounds of the city for the rest of the night. Just that it turned out to be impossible because the bike-dealer who delivered it to my office hadn’t left enough petrol in it. The moment I put the bike in 4th gear, I found out that fuel tank was as dry as a desert. Hence I had to pull it along for almost a kilometer to reach the nearest petrol-pump. After pulling 125kg for a kilometer, my fragile body sent a strong signal to my demented mind “Don’t know about you but I am going to sleep”.

Hence when I took the delivery of my first car yesterday evening, first thing I asked the dealer was “How much fuel does it have?”

“Don’t worry Sir. It has enough to drive you out of the city. But I would still suggest, first thing you must do as soon as you drive out of our showroom is to visit a petrol-pump” he said while explaining the policies, receipts, functions of the car and all that.

But my mind was somewhere else. My eyes were glued to the road outside. With each passing second, my heart was sinking.

“How the hell I am going to drive in this mad traffic?” was what I was thinking while looking at the jam packed road outside. To make the matters worse, Government decided to make my life tougher by removing all the street lights from the road. If government jumped into it, how almighty could be left behind. He decided to shower the area with thunderous rains.

“Sir, there is no hurry. You can take the delivery tomorrow also and drive it. You are a rookie. It’s better to be safe than sorry”

“See, sooner or later I will have to drive through this madness. Why later? Why not sooner” I was beaming with the shallowest confidence ever owned by any man who walked on this planet.

After some rituals, handshakes, poses, congratulations and formalities, I drove out of the showroom.

It was dark. It was raining. But thankfully, my side of the road was vacant. But to my right, it was total chaos.

I went to meet a friend – his office was nearby mine.

“Dude, you look scared. What is the matter?” he looked worried for me.

“Nothing man. Just a bit tired after a long and busy day” I said.

“You were busy? Ha Ha. Chances of water being found on sun are more than you being busy. Don’t take a chance. I will give you three options” he said with a big smile.

“What are they?”

“I will drop you home in your car and come back by a rickshaw. You can park your car in the office and go home by company bus. Or you can stay with me tonight and go home tomorrow morning”

“NO. Thanks for your concerns but FYI, I know how to drive.” I said in a strong voice.

“Ego has been the sole reason for some of the biggest wars in this planet. Anyways, all the best and give me a call in case you get stuck somewhere”

“Thanks. Bye” I put the car in the gear and started driving. But deep down the heart, I knew that I had never ever been so nervous in my life – more than I have ever been before any exams, more than I was on the night of 2nd April, more than I was when my marriage got fixed and definitely more than when I jumped from the roof of BSE building without any safety measures. Okay, I cooked that last one up. But to summarize, I was really nervous and thinking - If anything goes wrong, I TOLD YOU SO would be the only sentence that I would be hearing for the rest of the week.

But I made it without any hiccups and called up that friend “Dude, India comes home in a Maruti”

“Thank God. I was worried”

“I was confident. I don’t think I am going to face more difficult conditions than tonight. I CAN drive” I said.

While there was a strong urge to go on a long drive during the night, three things stopped me – mom’s strict orders against it, rain and I knew that how difficult it was for me to drive. Got out of jail was what I thinking.

Next morning, strategy was to start before roads become too crowded. But as soon as I was about to get out of the house, my three year old woke up and demanded “Papa ruko. Pehle mujhe school chhod do, fir office jana” (Papa, STOP. First drop me to the school then go to office)

I can wait and drop you to your school son but who will drop me to my office then? I thought.

Starting late meant I had no way of avoiding traffic.

Apply Handbrakes, push the clutch, leave hand brakes and accelerate.

I was repeating in my mind.

Accelerate, apply handbrakes, clutch. Leave hand brakes, apply brakes, push the clutch, and try to accelerate. Apply clutch, accelerate, and apply brakes. Apply handbrakes, wait and wonder why the car isn’t moving forward.

This is what I was doing.

Being target of hundreds of stares, thousands of laughs and millions of abuses, I managed to jam the traffic at least at ten places.

A traffic police man came to me and shouted “Why aren’t you moving the car?”

“Can’t you see that I am trying? What more I can do – get down and push it?” I shouted back.

Finally I managed to reach my destination – without a single hit, without a single dent. I had done it – two difficult drives within a span of 12 hours.

I CAN drive. I thought.

All I needed to do was to enter the gate, take a right turn and park it in loads of empty spaces. A victorious smile was shamelessly visible on my face. I was grinning.

“Yahan ke hum sikandar, chhahen to rakh len sabkoapni jab eke andar”, the JJWS song was being played at FM.

BANG!!!

Biggest danger for a ship to sink is in shallow water is what my dad had told me. In youth, there is a tendency to ignore what your parents say. I was young. I ignored him.

“God damn it” I almost banged my head on the car after seeing that I had hit the gate. The left bottom of the car was proof of it. My ship had sunk.

First dent on the car is as painful as the first heart break – I had heart it many a times. This was the first time I understood it.

With little choice, I decided to drive it to the service station to get the damage repaired. Less than 18 hours ago, I was taking the delivery of my car.

“Pehle pyar ka pehla gam, pehli baar hain aankhennam. Pehla hai tanhai ka yeh mausam”, the Papa Kahte Hain song was being played on FM now. I wish I had paid attention to what my papa said to me.

Job Ek Khoj - Opinions and Decisions!!!

2011-09-19T19:51:00.000+05:30

I had come to meet the chief risk officer (CRO) of Dhanvanti Bank – a bank which had grown in age but not size. If a bank had top-line of less than Rs. 1,000 cr in 90 years, it could only had been a parking lot for me hence I had no real business in meeting the CRO. More than that, it was the name. I found it hard to imagine that I would need to tell people, “Hey, I work with Dhanwanti Bank”. The name itself sounded like a Paan shop. But I wanted to give it a shot – what if it really clicks well. I was told that money would be good there. A friend of mine had given me the contact of the CRO and advised not take his name as reference.

“Are all IIM guys are like that?” was his first words to me and I was stumped.

“Like what?” I seriously wanted to know.

“You all change jobs so frequently. You all are confused.”

“That is not correct. Among my friends, some have changed frequently; some haven’t changed at all. These two ‘somes’ don’t make the entire sum as well.”

“I don’t believe you. I am yet to meet an IIM grad who hasn’t changed jobs and that too frequently” he had worked in India’s number one private bank for 23 years. Why he was working in such a small bank after such rich experience was something that puzzled me.

“In my humble opinion, you cannot generalize anything. One has to look at such things on case to case basis”

“That is the problem with you IIM guys. You have opinions but when it comes to making decisions, you fall flat.”

All I could do was to smile.

“You have mentioned in your resume that you have handled XYZ Ltd. How was your experience?”

“Company is good but I think their management is not up to the mark. You cannot really trust them”

“So will you lend them money?”

“That depends on the purpose of lending. If the project is viable, I shall be willing to take a small exposure but not a big one.” I thought I gave a very sensible answer.

“Where does the size of loan come in? Do you trust them or not?”

“I didn’t mean that trust factor was completely missing with XYZ. I meant that I wasn’t very comfortable with the management”

“Why cannot you take a call? You either trust someone or don’t. If you trust someone, you do business with him else not”

“I beg to differ. In my opinion, it has to be a function of risk and return. If a bank starts deciding who to lend and who not to lend just on the basis of trust, it might well end up with the government as its sole client. I agree that trust is an important factor in this business but one needs to look at the entire picture, analyze it and then decide. ”

“Again you are giving an opinion. Why cannot you make simple decisions?”

“It’s because you are giving me only scenarios on which I can only opine. I want my decisions to be based on facts and figures. There is another angle to my answer”

“What is that?” he asked.

“I met XYZ in a different capacity. If I meet them in the capacity of a banker, they will surely act differently”

“So?”

“Trust is formed on the basis of how someone behaves with you. People behave differently with different people. Their behavior often depends upon the purpose of the interaction.”

“What crap? Either you trust someone or don’t”

“Well one has to look at the complete picture”

“You seem to have even drawn the picture but I am yet not clear if you trust XYZ or not. Being opinionated is good but being indecisive could be terrible”

I was thinking ‘At least one thing is decided, there is no match of opinions between us’

“Ok. Tell me the names of four of your four favorite Indian companies?” he asked.

I answered.

“How much loan will you give to each of them?”

“It’s tough to answer. You need to tell me the purpose of lending.”

“You are a banker. Lending is your business. Tell me how much you will lend. Where does the purpose fit in?”

“I can tell you what all things I will look into before deciding the amount. I cannot think of an amount without more inputs”

“Again, you have opinions but you cannot make a decision”

I felt like slapping him hard and saying, ‘In my opinion, you deserved this. So I decided to give you what you deserve’.

By now, the outcome of the meeting had become obvious. So I tried to end the meeting.

“Can I ask you something?” I politely asked.

“Yes” he said.

“When you received my resume, how much salary did you decided to pay me?”

“What a stupid question. I don’t decide someone’s salary just after seeing his resume”

“Well you are a prospective employer and I am a prospective employee. You pay, I work. Tell me how much will you pay me?”

“Son, it’s not me who alone decides the salary. We have to take others opinions as well before a decision is made to even hire you, forget deciding your salary.”

“So you neither have an opinion nor made a decision” I said and rushed out of his office.

I called up my friend who had given me this CRO’s contact.

“How did it go?” he asked.

“Dude, what is his problem? Is he anti-IIM?”

“Well he is. Even when I was there, he used to take his vent out against IIMs. I saw him doing it so many times” my friend said laughingly.

“Was he brutally raped by someone from IIMs?” I asked.

“He…He…. No. I think it’s got something to do with his son. He couldn’t make it to IIMs in 4 years”

“Well not my fault if his sperms had low intelligent quotient.” I was wondering.

Job Ek Khoj - Colors!!!

2011-09-19T01:10:00.002+05:30

I was sittingin the office of Armpit capital. Armpit capital was an investment bank which boastedto have global ambitions. But to my mind, all they had was local intellect.

I waswaiting for my interviewer. After a few minutes of waiting, one of the seniorguys came, shook hands, introduced himself and sat down.

“Hey.Let’s start. What I would like to do is to give you a bit of color aboutourselves – what we are doing, since when we have been doing, how are we doing,why are we doing, shall we be able to do it or not. Once I am done with that, Iwould like you to give a bit of color about yourself. Does that sound okay?” hesaid with a colorful smile.

“Yeah,sounds great. I love rainbows.” I said expecting a really colorful time.

He startedtalking. He talked, and talked, and talked. All I could understand was that heworked for some investment bank in UK. That bank, couple of years back, hadsent him to India to set up their business. If you read between the lines, it’splain and simple case of “Either you get fired or take an asylum in yourmotherland”.

Once hestopped, he threw the ball in my court “So why don’t you give me some colorsabout yourself.”

In front ofhis digital quality picture, VFX enabled, DTS Dolby, 3D movie, I looked likeAlam Ara ().

“Tell mesomething. In your last job, you changed from one industry to another. Did youdo your homework before making this change? Did you enquire about the industryyou were moving in, I mean this industry?”

“Yes.”

“How didyou do it?”

“I asked afew friends working in this industry”

“Okay. Butdon’t you think that wouldn’t have been the best way.”

“Why isthat so?”

“If youask a frog, he will only tell you about the well because that is his well. He won’tbe able to tell you about the world outside that well”

“But ifyou are outside the well, you know all about the world outside. Frog canenlighten you about the world inside the well. That completes the portfolio, isn’tit?” I replied.

He changedthe topic, “You have such an impressive profile. Why do you want to be in this business?You can do whole lot of things.”

“Well, I amin this industry because I like it”

“Yeah butyou can do a world of things other than this kind of job. You have such a goodprofile”

“As I said,among all those world of things, I like this profile”

This wenton and on. He kept asking me why I was and where. I kept telling him why I was where.

Finally I askedhim, “Why are you in this industry?”

“Well, I havebeen in this industry for quite some time”

“The wayyou said it, looks like you want to move out”

“Well….”

“Why don’tyou move out?” I asked before he could complete.

“What doyou think?”

“You maynot like my answer” I warned him.

“Shoot” hesounded confident.

“All I cansay is that either you don’t think that your profile is good enough or youthink that you cannot do anything else” I said with a smile. I was looking liketwo colors which never make an entry in a rainbow – black and white. But it wasred that started to take control.

Thankfully,he changed the topic and asked me “Have you done CFA?”

“No”

“Have youregistered for it?”

“Neither haveI registered for it not I intend to do so” I said in a rude tone.

“But why?”he asked while looking a bit shocked.

“I don’t thinkthat the certification will add any value to me.”

“Why?”

“To befair, I know very little about the course structure. But what I know is that thecourse structure has very high US flavor in it whereas I am working in Indian markets.So I see no relevance of the certification to the skill set I should bebuilding upon. If I have to do it for a CV point, I don’t think after more thansix years in job-life, I need a certification as a CV point” I tried to belogical.

“But I don’tthink you have even seen the course structure. How can you say so?”

“Iconsulted my friends” I replied.

“Tell mesomething. If you have to buy a stock, will you do your own research or youwill consult your friends”

“Well,there are 5,000 stocks listed in BSE. If I go researching each and every stock,I may not get a chance to buy anything, at least in this life. So I will haveto consult my friends and then, do my own research”

“So you applythe same logic to certifications”

“Yes”

“I don’t know.Your logic doesn’t sound convincing enough” he looked a bit pissed off. By now,it was clearly evident that he himself had done CFA.

“Okay. Letme explain. If I do CFA affiliated with US, you would say – why have you doneUS affiliated CFA when you are working in Indian markets? If I do Indian versionof CFA, you would say – US CFA is like Pink Floyd and Indian CFA is like AltafRaja. If I do both, you would say – why haven’t you done FRM? If I doeverything, you would say – why you keep doing all these certifications, you areeither zero confidence in your experience or you are totally confused. Hence I havedecided that I won’t even touch any of these certifications” I was pissed off.

By now,only color left in the room was red with maroon tinge in it – resembling blood,real bad blood. Both of us had developed a strong disliking for each other. Beforethe disliking turned into hatred, we needed to end it. End it we did.

He stoodup, shook hands with me, thanked me for coming, and said a few more formalwords. But he didn’t say what I was waiting for.

Like everylife has to end with death, like every Anshan done by someone other than AnnaHazare has to end with Police Lathi Charge, like every Hollywood movie has toend with a kiss, like every Ajit Agarkar over has to end with a boundary, everyinterview has to end with a particular sentence. Yes, THAT sentence.

While hewas continuing with his monologue, that sentence was still awaited. I wasgetting impatient. I was about to ask, “So will you get back to me or not?”before he said it “We will get back to you”

Back I was,with loads of colors.

Birthdays and Resolutions!!!

2011-09-10T13:56:00.002+05:30

I have never understood the reasons behind celebrating birthdays. Why should I be happy and celebrate on the day I was born – my contribution in my birth was as good as Sehwag’s contribution in Nottingham test. But then, celebrating on an achievement which is a result of other’s hard work is something that no one minds to do. Didn’t we all celebrate on the night of 2nd April?

Birthdays are strange. On your 0th, you start celebrating by crying without tears. Next time you wonder why there is so much chaos around you. Slowly you start realizing that there is this one day in the year when you are treated really well – you wear new clothes, you get a lots of gifts, you can get away scot-free even after breaking new crockery at home and all that. You realize that this is your day.

But soon, birthdays start changing their meaning. They are no longer celebrated at home. You celebrate them with your friends, somewhere outside. Gifts are replaced with birthday bumps which are the best way for others take their grudge out against you. If you are lucky/ unlucky to have a girlfriend, you ditch your male friends to celebrate the day with her. “Can’t you spend one day with me? Just one day?” And you are left thinking “Don’t you get tired of using the same trick every day?”

If you are lucky/ unlucky to be single, you spend rest of the day thinking “Will she wish me? Does she remember that it’s today?” She often wishes you your birthday weeks after it has passed “Hey, belated happy birthday. Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday? You should have, no?” And you are left thinking “I remind you 200 times a year that my birthday falls on this day of the year. May be I should get that tattooed it on my forehead now”

Slowly it all starts getting boring. Celebrating with friends becomes rare as people hardly have time. You get rid of “Can’t you spend one day with me” problem posed by girl friends as you have a bigger issue at hands – wife. All you get are calls from friends and family wishing you on this day and asking a question – “So, how are you celebrating today? How is it going?” and you start thinking the answer “How is it going? My son dropped the cake on my new shirt which is beyond repair now. My boss, the pig, has had me for breakfast and lunch and preparing me for dinner too. Market tanked 500 points today which means a loss of 50k. My friend who cannot even spell raise has got a raise of 50% in his new job. And these buggers lost again, this time in 3 days.” but all you say is “Oh, it’s going great”.

Birthdays also mean it’s time for resolutions, the birthday resolutions. Very often, these resolutions are broken on the very next day. Only once, I have opted for a resolution. Interestingly, it is yet to be broken.

The date was quite interesting – 9/9/99. I was doing my graduation. In case you know me, I guess you know it all. In case you do not know, I am happy about it as you have no idea how awful I was as a student. But I somehow always managed to get marks good enough to take me into next semester. Not that I didn’t dream big – I always dreamt of topping the class but my efforts made sure that this dream ended in being a day dream. But there was one course; I think transport phenomena (TP), in one of the semesters that I found very interesting. I liked it not because of the quality of the content but because of the lack of efforts needed to understand it. The subject was taught by three different teachers hence we had our exams in three parts – each part was to be set by a different teacher, 10 marks each.

Mid-semester exams happened, for TP as well. I did well and for first time, I felt confident after an exam. Soon, we were shown our answer sheets. I saw my answer sheet for TP-1, I had scored a perfect 10. I saw answer sheet for TP-2, I had scored a perfect 10. TP-3 was remaining to be seen. A perfect 30 was there for the taking. Never in my life had I scored 100% in any subject, never. This was going to be my moment – my moment of glory, my 1983, my 1947, and my 1857. I was thinking on the lines of “All this while I was struggling because none of the subject tested the real skills. You could blindly swat up the stuff, puke it out in the exams and score. They didn’t test the analytical ability of the mind. Damn our education system. It kills the real brains like mine” Confidence can do wonders is what I was told.

It was 9/9/99 – my birthday. Marks for TP-3 were displayed in the department office. Lot of guys scored 10 out of 10. But only 3-4 of them had got a perfect 10 in both TP-1 and TP-2 as well. I was expecting 10. I got 9. First words that came to my mind were “What the F****? Have I just seen Javagal Srinath sledging someone or Kumble turning the ball?” I was angry. I was distraught. I couldn’t believe it. To me, I had written the most perfect answers ever yet somehow professor found a way to deny me a perfect 10. Where could he have cut that one mark? Where? Where? Where?

I went into professor’s room where people were looking at their answer sheets. Professor was sitting in his chair with a boring look on his face, “What are you all searching in those answer sheets. I asked. You answered. I checked. You got marks. Now go back to your hostels and let me go home, you morons” he looked like thinking.

I, high on thinking that I had a right to be treated as a king on my birthday, barged into his room. I made my way through the crowd of my batch mates, picked up my answer sheet from the heap, had a look at it and almost threw in front of the professor saying “Sir, you have given me 9”

“What? Have I? 9 to you? There must have been a mistake. Let me have a look”

I felt a bit relieved “Even I thought so Sir. Please have a re-look”

“Yes. I am sure you couldn’t have scored more than 5” he said in a sarcastic manner. I had a terrible impression on him. To him, I was the most useless student of his class.

“Sir, I think I deserve 10. There is nothing wrong with my answers”

“I wonder how you managed to answer the questions. You must have copied from someone” he said while looking at my answer sheet.

“This is a baseless allegation. Either you should have caught me then or you prove it now” I was fuming.

“Son, I think you have got more than you deserve. Now get the hell out of my room. I am getting late” he tossed my answer sheet towards the heap piled up on his desk.

I picked up my answer sheet and started comparing it with a batch mate’s, X, answer sheet. X was professor’s blue eyed boy. He was one of those intelligent, cunning, diligent, hard working students who had a really long tongue. If I was a pain in a certain place for the professor, X licked that certain place really well. Hope you get what I mean by that certain place. To the professor, he was above all. But I cared a damn. I wanted my perfect 10. I thought I deserved it more than anyone else. I wanted to prove that I was better than professor’s best.

I showed my answer sheet to the professor along with X’s – “See Sir, my answers are much more perfect than his. Then why 9 to me and 10 to him”

May be this act of mine lit a fire cracker in a petrol pump. I could see professor’s nostrils turning as big as Sreesanth, his face turning as red as Shaun Pollock’s hair and him standing up as if he was getting ready to bash me up.

“How the hell you compare yourself with X?” the pitch of his voice left everyone stunned.

“Sir, I am not comparing myself with X. I am comparing my answers with X’s. There is a difference” I wasn’t going to back out.

“One more word and I will re-evaluate your answer sheet. Let me assure you, you may not get more than 5 this time”

“Oh, I would request you to do that. I deserve 10, nothing less than that”

Anger was fuming on both the sides. “Sir, it’s his birthday today. Please…..” A friend tried to pour some ice on fire.

“What the hell I am supposed to do if he was born today? Declare a national holiday?” roared the professor “One more word and I shall make sure you never pass in my course. Get the hell out of here. All of you” he stomped his authority and victory. I had to back out this time.

I almost threw my answer sheet on his desk, stared at him hard but caved in to his threat – I didn’t utter single word after that. I came out of his office.

A friend asked me, “Why were you fighting with him? What’s the difference between 9 and 10? You almost spoiled your day”

“I don’t know” I said. I couldn’t have explained the dates to him -1983, 1947 and 1857. Articulation has never been my forte.

Later in the semester, professor kept his promise too. I did manage to pass in his course. Just that he made me pay for my stare and other histrionics; I barely managed the passing marks.

On that day, 9/9/99, I decided to never go for a review in my life, never. This is one resolution I have always stuck to. May be that is why I am not a DRS fan.

Some dreams are just not meant to come true!!!

2011-08-30T10:33:00.002+05:30

Some dreams are just not meant to come true,

All you can do is to cry and rue

No matter how hard they try,

Penguins just cannot fly.

No matter how hard they try,

Deserts will always be dry.

No matter how hard u try,

Sometimes you will just never know why.

Some dreams are just not meant to come true,

All you can do is to cry and rue

When heart breaks and u cry

You shed tears till it all goes dry

You look up to the sky and ask him why

You hope for his smile saying you are my kid, oh my

Some dreams are just not meant to come true,

All you can do is to cry and rue

Slowly time passes and you come back to life

U learn to live, you forget the strife

But some dreams hurt you till the end of the life

They go through your heart like a butcher's knife

Some dreams are just not meant to come true

All you can do is to cry and rue

What if you had tried a bit harder?

What if you had run a bit faster?

What if you had been a bit wiser?

You can try it again, you can try it all

But it'll all be in vain if the writing is on the wall

Some dreams are just not meant to come true

All you can do is to cry and rue

India in England -

2011-08-29T11:48:00.004+05:30

२९ अगस्त २०११, लन्दन - इस सप्ताह भारत और इंग्लैंड के बीच ५ एक-दिवसीय मैचों की श्रंखला आरम्भ होने वाली है जिसकी शुरुआत एक टी-२० मैच से होगी. विदित होकी ४ मैचों की टेस्ट मैच श्रंखला में भारत पहले ही धुल चाट चूका है. यद्यपि भारत के कप्तान महेंद्र सिंह धोनी इस एक दिवसीय श्रंखला में संभावित प्रदर्शन को लेकर काफी उत्साहित नजर आये. धोनी ने कहा की, "हम विश्व चैम्पियन हैं और एक विश्व चैम्पियन की तरह ही खेलेंगे." जब उनको यह याद दिलाया गया की टेस्ट श्रंखला के पहले भी वोह नंबर १ थे लेकिन उनका खेल तो नंबर १० से भी बदतर था तो धोनी हलके से क्रोधित हो गए और बोले "आप लोग चाहते हैं मैं वोह सब भूलूँ या नहीं? ४-० की हार भुलाने के लिए कल मैं फुटबाल का मैच देखने गया. साला वहां भी मेरी पसंदीदा टीम ८-२ से हार गयी. अब उनके कप्तान ने खून पी लिया है मेरा फ़ोन कर कर के की कैसे इस सदमे से बाहर आया जाए?"

धोनी को संभालते हुए भारत के कोच Duncan Fletcher ने कहा की "देखिये, भले ही हम यह श्रंखला ५-० से हार जाएँ, हम फिर भी विश्व चैम्पियन रहेंगे. इंग्लैंड यह बात भली भाँती जानता है अतः उसके पास इस श्रंखला में जोर लगाने का कोई कारण ही नहीं है. हम बार बार यही चिल्लायेंगे की हम विश्व चैम्पियन हैं और इंग्लैंड पे इतना मनोवैज्ञानिक दबाव डालेंगे की वोह बिना खेले ही हार मान लें." लेकिन जब उनसे यह कहा गया की इंग्लैंड जैसी शाश्क्त टीम ऐसे कैसे हार मान लेगी तो उन्होंने कहा "उनके आधे से ज्यादा खिलाडी दक्षिण अफ़्रीकी हैं जो विश्व कप के नाम से ही हथियार दाल देते हैं. हमको पूरा विश्वास है की हमारी यह योजना सफल होगी. Kevin Petersen ने तो श्रंखला आरम्भ होने के पहले ही खेलने से मन कर दिया है" उन्होंने यह भी बोला की "हमने भारत से काफी सारे युवा खिलाडी बुला लिए हैं. अब हमको अंतिम ११ खिलाडी चुनने में कोई समस्या नहीं होगी" जब हमने उनसे पूछा की क्या उनका इशारा २८ वर्षीय मध्यम तेज गति के गेंदबाज विनय कुमार की तरफ है तो उन्होंने कहा "नहीं, मेरा इशारा टीम मेनेजर शिवलाल यादव की तरफ था."

वहीँ विश्वस्त सूत्रों से यह समाचार मिला है की गौतम गंभीर को अपने सर पे लगी चोट की वजह से भारत लौटना पद रहा है. लेकिन हमारे विश्वस्त सूत्र यह भी कहते हैं की गौतम के सर की चोट एक बहाना है उनकी भारत वापिसी का. असल में जबसे गौतम और इशांत के बीच पनप रही घनिष्ठ मित्रता का खुलासा हुआ है, उनके घरवालों ने गौतम पे दबाव बनाना चालू कर दिया है. गौतम के एक करीबी रिश्तेदार ने नाम न उजागर करने की शर्त पे बोला की "हम कब से कह रहे हैं लड़के की शादी करवा दो. लेकिन यह लोग सुनते ही नहीं. देख लो अब लड़के का क्या हाल हो गया है. इसलिए हमने बोला की लड़के को वापिस बुलाओ, बाबा से उसकी इस बीमारी का इलाज करवा के जल्दी से उसकी शादी करवा देते हैं. मैंने तो अपनी बीवी के मामा की भतीजी स्वीटी का रिश्ता भी भेज दिया है. बड़ी ही सुन्दर और सुशील कन्या है स्वीटी."

वहीँ बीसीसीआई ने एक वक्तव्य में यह कहा है की वोह विडियो गलत तरह से प्रदर्शित किया गया है. बीसीसीआई ने यह भी कहा की यह भारतीय टीम के मनोबल तो तोड़ने की एक साजिश थी. लोग भारतीय टीम के दो महत्त्वपूर्ण खिलाडियों के चरित्र पे लांछन लगा कर टीम पर मनोवैज्ञानिक दबाव बनाना चाहते हैं. हमारे संवाददाता ने जब पुछा की "टीम फॉर्म को देखते हुए किसी ऐसी चाल की जरूरत भी थी? अंतिम टेस्ट तक तो टीम में न कोई मन दिख रहा था खेलने का और न ही कोई बल दिख रहा था. कोई वैज्ञानिक भी चमत्कार नहीं कर सकता था" तो इसके जवाब में बीसीसीआई ने कहा की उन्होंने एक कमिटी बनायीं है जो सारे मामले की जांच करेगी.

PS: Hoping that you will find some sense in this stale humor. Any sentiments hurts, related to any person living or dead or any organization is deeply regretted. This article is completely fictitious.

Anna!!!

2011-08-25T14:36:00.003+05:30

25 अगस्त 2011. मुंबई – ट्विट्टर जगत में कल रात उस समय हडकंप मच गया जब भारतीय टेनिस परी सानिया मिर्ज़ा ने ट्वीट किया की वोह भी अन्ना हैं. इसके पहले की वोह अपनी स्तिथिति साफ़ कर पाती, धार्मिक नेताओं ने उनके खिलाफ फतवा जारी कर दिया. धार्मिक नेताओं ने अपने वक्तव्य में कहा है ,”सानिया इस पवित्र धार्मिक नाम है. सानिया इसे बदलने का सोच भी कैसे सकती हैं. क्या वोह यह कहना चाहती हैं की वोह मरहूम अन्ना निकोल स्मिथ का अवतार हैं – वोही अन्ना निकोल स्मिथ जोकि एक पोर्न कलाकार हुआ करती थीं? यह धर्म के खिलाफ है और सानिया ने धर्म की तौहीन की है. सानिया ऐसी अश्लील हरकत करने की सोच भी कैसे सकती हैं?"

सानिया के पति शोहैब मालिक ने माफ़ी मांगते हुए बोला की धर्म की तौहीन का सानिया का कोई इरादा नहीं था. जब उनसे अन्ना के बारे में पुछा गया तो वोह बोले “माशाल्लाह अन्ना की कला का मैं बहुत बड़ा कायल हूँ और उनसे ज्यादा रोले में कोई जान नहीं डाल सकता. मैंने उनकी सभी movies देखी हैं. जिस अन्ना की बात कही गयी है वैसे भी उनकी movies अश्लील नहीं कलात्मक थीं”

लेकिन शोहैब के इस बयान ने आग में घी डालने का काम किया. जैसे ही यह पता चला की porn देखना भी अधार्मिक है, शोहैब ने सफाई देते हुए कहा की उनका मतलब अन्ना हाथवे से था, “मैं अन्ना हाथवे का बहुत बड़ा फेन हूँ. देखिये, हिंदुस्तान ने एक सानिया दी और हमने उसे अन्ना बना दिया. आप सुषमा, मीरा और जयंती को भेज के देखिये, सबको हीना न बना दिय तो कहना”

परन्तु जब शोहैब को भारत में चल रहे भ्रस्टाचार के विरुद्ध आन्दोलन से अवगत करवाया गया तो वोह अपनी छाती चौड़ी करते हुए बोले “मैं सानिया को सप्पोर्ट करता हूँ और अगर वोह अनशन करती है तो मैं तह-इ-दिल से उसका साथ दूंगा“ शोहैब ने अन्ना के बारे में और जानकारी लेते हुए यह भी पुछा की अनशन के बाद अन्ना का वजन कितना कम हुआ है. बाद में वोह यह फुसफुसाते हुए पाए गए कि “भाईजान, please अनशन करवा दो उससे. कुछ तो मोटापा कम हो. मुझे देखो और उसे देखो. रहम करो”

यह विवाद थमता हुआ तब नजर आया जब सानिया ने सफाई देते हुए कहा कि उनका इशारा अन्ना कौर्निकोवा कि तरफ था. सानिया ने कहा अन्ना कि तरह उन्होंने ने भी अपने सौंदर्य और टेनिस के बलबूते पे कामयाबी हासिल कि है. परन्तु जब हमारे संवाददाता ने यह टिपण्णी की कि सानिया ने अन्ना कि तरह मैच भी नहीं जीते हैं, सानिया ने उसको 2 मुक्के जड़ दिए. हमारा संवाददाता फिलहाल लीलावती हॉस्पिटल में अपने जबड़े का प्लास्टर करवा रहा है.

दूसरी तरफ यह भी खबर आई है कि अन्ना कौर्निकोवा ने कल यह ट्वीट किया कि वोह सानिया हैं. कहा यह जा रहा है कि उनका निशाना प्रसिद्धि हासिल करके बॉलीवुड में काम करने का है, वोह अपने इस ट्वीट से महेश भट्ट को आकर्षित करना छाहती थीं परन्तु महेश भट्ट ने अन्ना का साथ न देने का इरादा पहले ही कर लिया था. श्री भट्ट ने कहा कि आकर्षण में उनकी कोई रूचि नहीं है, अब वोह केवल मर्डर में अभिरुचि रखते हैं. सुना जा रहा है कि अन्ना को प्रकाश झा ने अपनी अगली movie में नायिका का प्रस्ताव देने का मन बनाते हुए उनसे बात की. उसके फ़ौरन बाद अन्ना ने ट्विट्टर पे माफ़ी मांगते हुए कहा कि उनके पिछले ट्वीट में टाइपिंग में त्रुटी हो गयी. असल में वोह यह कहना चाहती थीं कि वोह सानिया नहीं सोनिया हैं. तब से समछार जगत थोडा दिग्भ्रमित हो गया है क्योंकि सानिया अगर अन्ना हैं, अन्ना अगर सोनिया हैं तो फिर यह अन्ना कौन हैं.

PS: Hoping that you will find some sense in this stale humor. Any sentiments hurts, related to any religion, politician, human or bill, is deeply regretted. This article is completely fictitious.

Hope is not a bad thing!!!

2011-08-12T14:17:00.001+05:30

I have learnt a lot about life by following cricket for over 22 years. Oh, the first thing you would have learnt after reading the first line is that I am more than 22 years old. Good going. You are learning as well.

This game keeps giving you lessons. When India collapsed after Sachin slipped in 1996, I dreamt of becoming India’s next Sachin and played cricket from 5:00am to 7:30PM, during the month of April, in UP where temperature hardly fell below 40 degree centigrade. I learnt a big lesson – to dream and dream big in life. It’s another matter that I ignored my exams to be held in first week of May and paid a heavy price for it. I learnt another lesson – dream but don’t day dream.

Adversity and prosperity are two extremes but they should never be looked upon in isolation. In adverse situation, one should think about the times of prosperity. When someone is prospering, do not forget the times of adversity. Former gives hope - the biggest driver to succeed. Later keeps the feet grounded which is important for sustaining success.

At this point of time, I cannot recall when the last time I felt was so sad, so hopeless, and so given-up. Well, there have been a few but I am not sure they could match this one. Here are a few of them which I can recall.

10. India – Australia 1991-92 – the never ending torture – India toured Australia for 5 test matches, one long triangular series, and a world cup. The tour lasted so long that even Australians looked like asking Indians – do you have any intentions to go back. We lost in Brisbane, we lost in Melbourne. Thinking Australia is a heaven for pacers; we dropped our spinner and played four pacers in Sidney. Yes. Sidney. We lost in Adelaide where we weren’t so far from winning it – margin of loss 38 runs while chasing 330 odd. Perth was a mere formality - 4-0 loss in test series. Barely reaching the finals and losing it all there in the triangular series. World cup is not worth talking about. Heads got rolled. Vengsarkar retired. Srikanth never played for India again. I am not sure if people remember Subroto Banerjee. Sourav Ganguly was dumped for 4 years.

9. India – South Africa 1996-97 – rape in Durban – 100 in first innings, 66 in second innings, Alan Donald literally running through our batting line up. They said pitch was like a minefield but Donald didn’t even need pitching to take some wickets – fast, very fast Yorkers did it for him. Sachin kept holding his bat like a pendulum and Donald kept sneaking through. We did come back in Johannesburg but so did our bad luck. Bad light, Klusner and Cullinan saved South Africa on the last day. I was still happy. At least we made a comeback. ODI series, even though we lost, was much better than the first two tests. We did put up a fight in the final.

8. India – Pakistan 1998-99 – Sach-an-Indian team – Pakistan came to India – lot of goodwill gestures and all that during that series. We played them in Chennai. We let Afridi, score a test hundred. Yes Shahid Afridi who didn’t seem to know anything other than a cross batted heave. Just when Pakistan was running away with the match, Venketesh Prasad woke up – last 6 wickets fell for 13. We needed 271 to win, on a lively pitch, against a formidable attack, and most importantly against Pakistan. May be we weren’t expecting to bat so soon – we lost half our side before crossing 100. Ganguly was given out Steve Dunn when the ball bounced almost a twice before being caught. Sachin played like he normally does – like God. Mongia gave him company. Mongia got out. Joshi gave him company. Sachin got out. Rest of the batsmen decided to give him company – in the dressing room. When Sachin got out, we needed 17 to win. We lost by 12.

7. India Pakistan 1998-99 – those Yorkers – It was time for Asian test championship. It looked like Eden was bathing in fog. Maybe that was the reason Pakistan’s batsmen couldn’t see the ball – they were 26/6. We acted like a good host and allowed them a way-out. Chasing their 185, we were cruising at 147/1. Shoaib Akhtar produced awesome magic. We were 147/2. Sachin came to bat. Akhtar repeated his magic. We were 147/3. We got a miniscule lead in the first innings. Suddenly it became a repeat of Chennai. Anwar was running away with the match when Srinath woke up – Pakistan’s last 7 wickets fell for 54. We needed 279 to win. Our openers gave us an excellent start. Sachin came to bat and he was batting like, well, God. But what was that? He got run out in one of the strangest ways. It was that man again which caused his downfall – Shoaib Akhtar. In the series of goodwill gestures and all that, Pakistan didn’t even think about it. They were, are, and will always be Pakistan. We needed 90 odd runs with 6 wickets in hand. We lost by almost 50.

5. India – Australia 1999-2000 – when Australia slapped us thrice and all we could return was love – Three-Love. A 3-0 defeat. I had seen India winning against England and Sri Lanka by a margin of 3-0 but it was the first time I came to know how it feels to be on the other side. It looked as if India left everything to Sachin – Oh you are our captain, you do it then. All that we won on this tour was an ODI against Pakistan. Yet I took solace in Laxman’s 167 in the final test. It did turn out to be a turning point for him and India in future years. At least some positive we could take out from the royal rape.

4. India – South Africa 2000 – no longer the kings at home – When South Africa came to play us at home, I was happy – we are going to win again. I was wrong. We started in Mumbai. Sachin got a nick when he was at 75. He used to walk during those days. He didn’t. He nicked at 97, down the leg side, faint edge and he walked. So did the rest. It was 1-0. In a 2 match series. I expected a comeback in Bangalore. What I got in return was a meek surrender. In the second innings Azhar got hit on the wrists. He went back - retired hurt. He came back and scored a century in a typical Azhar fashion – classy, attacking, awe inspiring. That was the last time he batted for India in whites. He was a great batsman. Period. We lost it 2-0. Our period at home was over.

3. India – Australia 2004 – revenge of 2001 – We had made Australians eat their own medicines in 2001. They came back in 2004 to their last frontier – the so called invincible Indian fort. Sachin was injured – didn’t play all the matches. Newcomers didn’t have the stomach to fight. We lost in Bangalore. Sehwag fired in Chennai - the way he was batting on the penultimate day in Chennai, I am sure we would have chased down 220 odd on the final day. Alas, last day was washed out. Ganguly opted out at Nagpur. Not that he could have saved us there from losing but it sent lot of negative vibes. We won the final test in Mumbai. Australians, as expected, cried foul about the pitch being a dustbowl but how could they not score 104 in the 4th innings. We lost a series at home – second time in 5 years. But it could have been 2-2 if rain had not prevented play on the final day in Chennai.

2. India – Sri Lanka – the Mendis mania – Dhoni, the man with the Midas touch, opted out of the series to take rest. Sri Lanka claimed to have unearthed a bowler in Ajantha Mendis who could bowl hand grenades. They weren’t joking – Mendis was coming from army. But I laughed at their claim thinking, we are the best when it comes to playing spin. Our batsmen proved me wrong. We lost the first test by huge margin. I was shattered. Sehwag understood my pain and won the second test – on his own. But by the time third test started, looked like our batsmen had taken an anti-Mendis stand – we don’t want him to play this game. If he bowls, we will protest and rush to the pavilion ASAP. We lost the series 2-1. Sri Lanka had beaten us in the area of our strength – playing spin.

1. Yes, you are right – It’s the current series which wins the race easily, very easily. Even after we were 2-0 down, I was confident of a comeback. After all we have made comebacks even during those horrendous 90s. But last night, after seeing their batsmen enjoying a bon-fire on a pitch we found difficult to stay alive, it was the worst I have seen. It’s not the loss but the surrender that is hurting.

Hope we have touched the bottom. In last 12 years, we have always been shocked once in 3-4 years. Be it by South Africa in 1999 or by Australia in 2004 or by Sri Lanka in 2008 – we have always come back and come back strong. Maybe we are following the trend in 2011.

In last 22 years, I always kept my hopes alive. Match after match, series after series, world cups after world cup, I hoped to win. We didn’t. I still followed the game with same interest, same devotion, and same enthusiasm, relentlessly. But things did start turning after 2000. We became a top team. We won the world cup.

I know it’s tempting to give up at this hour of darkness but I won’t. As Andy Dufresne writes to Red in Shawshank Redemption – “Hope is not a bad thing”

Office humor – part 5!!!

2011-08-11T10:36:00.000+05:30

Office humor is back. Here are the recent additions.

Come or Cum -

My colleague, MPwala guy, was going out to have his lunch. He was looking for someone to accompany him. He invited another colleague of mine, let’s call him X.

MPwala guy shouted at the top of his voice, “Hey X, had your lunch?”

“Not yet” said X.

“Want to give me company?”

“Okay” replied X.

“Let’s come” said MPwala guy with a smile.

I thought something was wrong but maybe he meant to say “Let’s cum”. But asking a guy to cum? I am in the process of gathering courage to ask him if he said come or cum. Both of them sound similar. Hope the process gets completed.

Working hardly –

MPwala guy was again looking for company to go out somewhere. He took a colleague, P, along with him. He asked another colleague, Q, to come along with him.

“Dude, want to have a cup of tea?” asked MPwala guy.

“No. I am tied up with something”

“Oh, you are busy”

“Yes”

“Come then, Q is busy. He is working very hardly” said MPwala guy to P and off they went.

European conundrum -

A colleague, A, popped a question, “This UK, doesn’t it come in Europe?”

B responded, “No it doesn’t “

MPwala guy chipped in, “Not everything is in Europe. See England. England is not UK. It’s not in Europe also”

A wondered, “Is it?”

C gave his two cents, “If you see history, even US was counted as a part of Europe in earlier days. Check google, you will find the details. Some part of it still comes in Europe”

All of them started searching US in Europe.

I thought – ‘Before these guys shift my beloved nation to Europe, I must leave for home. Left I did.

When Potter met Strauss!!!

2011-08-10T14:42:00.003+05:30

Date: 09th August 2011.

Time: 8:30 PM.

Place: Somewhere in Birmingham.

Andrew Strauss, taking advantage of 2 hour curfew break, was walking towards the shops across the street. He was sporting his team’s jersey which had “Captain – England Cricket Team” written behind its back. He was hoping that at least someone would recognize him and come to take his autograph. It had been ages since he signed any autograph. He had even forgotten his signature. Only time he used his signature is when ECB called him to sign the contract.

The streets were a little crowded with people rushing to get things done and reach back home before curfew break was lifted. Strauss was slowly moving towards the shop hoping that someone would recognize him. He greeted people who met his eyes. Some of them greeted him back, rest just didn’t bother.

Suddenly he saw someone familiar. He saw a boy who looked shorter than Tadenda Taibu, younger than Shahid Afridi, fairer than Nasser Hussain. The boy was wearing specs and often touching a Z shaped scar on his forehead.

‘Z? Is he a Zaheer Khan supporter? Damn. Let me handle him. Let me avenge Zaheer’s atrocities against me. Thought Strauss.

“Hey. Hey you, the boy with the scar. Stop” Andrew shouted.

The boy turned back and said “Who? Me?”

Andrew came to the boy and looked at him. He looked pleasantly surprised, “Harry Potter!!!”

“Hi” said Harry.

“What are you doing here mate? Doing some magic to stop this non-sense?”

“Well actually sir, I am going to the police station”

“Why?”

“I lost some stuff”

“What? Why don’t you use your magic to get it all back?”

“Errrr”

“What have you lost? And how?”

“I lost my wand and invisibility cloak. A stranger asked for my wand and cloak to have a look at it. He put the cloak on and disappeared. I have been looking for him since then. Bloody muggles, they just cannot be trusted”

“Did you know him?”

“No”

“So you handed over the objects of immense power to some stranger. Even I would have done what he did to you. Anyone would have done the same Harry. You are so naïve. To make the matters worse, you are blaming him”

“Actually I was busy watching Trent Bridge test. By the way, do you know Ian Bell? He is a master in the art of acting naïve, isn’t he?”

“Of course I do. He is my team mate. If you are referring to that incident, it wasn’t his fault. Our opponents have little respect for the spirit of the game” said Andrew while broadening his chest, “By the way. I am Andrew Strauss, captain of soon to be number one cricket team in the world”

“Of course, I know you. You have done exceptionally well in this series. Good that those riots seem to have stopped. You can go on to win it 4-0”

“That is what scares me Harry. The Dementor is back. Plus no one is giving any chance to our opponents. They are at their dangerous best when least is expected out of them”

“But still, you can make it 4-0”

“What if they make it 2-2 Harry? I don’t know when I shall get a chance to be the captain of world’s number one team”

“So you wanted the series to stop.”

“I don’t know why the hell they haven’t stopped it. If we were in our opponent’s place, we would have rushed back home even before the riots started. Bloody Muggles are they. ”

“Yeah, the scenes were too bad.

”Exactly. Wonder how they could stand these things. In the past, we have refused to visit them even if we heard a sniff.”

“Brave people are these”

“Brave? They are used to of this kind of stuff you know”

Harry didn’t know what to say.

“So how is life Harry. Now when Voldemort is dead, what is keeping you busy?” asked Andrew.

“I am looking for a job now. Looks like recession is going to set in. Every time I come back from Hogwarts, I am told that recessions is about to begin. I wonder if you guys have ever seen a boom"

“Yeah, tough times” said Strauss in a sympathizing tone.

“If I don’t get a job soon, Ron won’t allow me to marry Ginny.”

“Oh, that is sad. And she is hot.”

“Yes. Help me Andrew, help me getting a job”

“Not a problem at all. I will hire you. With your magical powers, we shall become the best team in the universe.”

“But I have lost my wand”

“Not a worry. Everything is made in China. I will get a new wand for you. You are hired. Job begins now”

“What is my first assignment?”

“See, we are playing in Edgbaston. Opposition has brought in a new Dementor. They call him Say-Wah. “

“Is he good?”

“Bloody hell, he tormented us in 2008 as if were dogs”

“Oh. But I heard a lot of them succumbed to the injury prone conditions you provided to them.”

“Yes they did. But I don’t know how this one has come back”

“What about that little one, Sa…..”

“Ssssshhh…don’t take his name mate. He is our you-know-who. We infected him with virus but looks like he himself is a virus – just refuses to die down”

“Yeah, I remember uncle Dursley talking to someone that this you-know-who is going to retire within a few months. And this is before I joined Hogwarts”

“I don’t know mate. He just keeps coming back. He looks like Dobby but plays like Dumbledore” Andrew was looking disgusted.

“You have sent back another one. What was his name…Err.. Yu…”

“Don’t take his name Potter. He is our you-know-who part two. Barbie will start crying if he hears his name”

“But Barbie has done wonderfully well in the series, hasn’t he? The way he has played, looks like he is a wizard. Or he is a witch? What is he Straussy, a witch, or a wizard?”

“I don’t know myself Harry. But Barbie still cries if you take the name of you-know-who part two in front of him”

“I thought he would have buried the ghost of Durban by now” wondered Harry.

“People die and become ghosts Harry. Ghosts never die”

“What about their captain – the obviously, off course guy?”

“Oh yeah, we have got him under the mat. He has played so much of cricket that he is doesn’t know a thing about his whereabouts. He plays cricket while sleeping and sleeps while playing cricket. In the end, he ends up doing nothing”

“But I’ve heard that he is really rich - plays in some IPL or something. Why don’t you play IPL Andrew?”

“Oh that is crap cricket” Andrew made faces as if he had just touched horse-shit.

“Is it? Really? Or that is your Ian-Bell episode”

“Well….” Andrew looked to avoid eye contact with Harry.

“Anyways, so you are all geared up for Edgbaston. What you expect from me?”

“I don’t think you can do anything for this series Harry. Importing your wand from China will take some time. Plus I will have to time my trade so that I can get some benefit in currency exchange. Once we get your wand, I will ask you a favor”

“What would that be?”

“Get me an IPL contract Harry, get me one. Please”

PS: Imagined while sitting workless at work. Any violation of copyright or unintended insult to any dead/alive man, woman or Barbie is regretted.

Empowering the poor!!!

2011-08-09T21:15:00.001+05:30

Ladies and gentlemen, within a few hours, we shall be marching ahead into the year 2015. 2015 will write new chapters in global economy, universal humanity and Suraj Badjatya’s new movie – Saare Vivaah Aise hi Hote Hain. Its 2015 when Sachin will play his last world cup, although we have been saying this for last 4 world cups. Shahid Afridi has announced that he will come out of his retirement in 2015 on the day he turns 30. 2015 is the year in which Rakhi Sawant will get married in Khataron ke Khiladi – 6. Government of India, seeing excessive load of population in Tihar, has announced to develop phase 3 of the prison. Mr. Suresh Kalmadi, given his experience and expertise, has been given the responsibility for this noble act. This year we shall complete the hat-trick of dodging the Mayan prophecy of doomsday. This year, 2015, promises a lot ladies and gentlemen. 2015 will also bring QE24 – the-once-in-a-decade event happening for 24th time in last 5 years. Entire universe is waiting for QE24. The opening ceremony for QE24 will be held in Wankhede Stadium and it would be organized by IPL managing committee.

I, Tracer Bullet, will be your host for the evening to discuss first QE of the year 2015. With us today, we have Miss Rosy Printer – the chairwoman of FED (Fraudulently Eating of Debt). Miss Rosy is here to enlighten us about FED’s plan for QE24. So let’s start to hear the mind behind the 24th occurrence of this world saving event – Miss. Rosy Printer.

TB – Hello Miss, how are you doing?

RP – Well, we are doing a bit differently than last time. We have decided to print it all in India.

TB- Oh that is great. Why this change of location?
RP – We have tried a few locations. We started with printing it all in US. But soon we realized that for every currency note printed, we need to give away two notes for social security. We found it hard to meet our costs. Hence we shifted it to China.

TB – And why are you shifting it from China to India now?

RP – Whatever they printed, they kept it all saying that it’s their money that we owe to them. Right now they have more US dollars than we have.

TB – So it will happen in India – to save costs and in hope of getting it back.

RP – Precisely. How very intelligent you are. That is the reason we value India so much.

TB – But what if Indians refuse to give it back to you. We aren’t the least corrupt nation in the world.

RP – Even if you do refuse to give it back, where will you keep it - with the banks in northern hemisphere? And you think you are going to get it back from there? How long people have been going on hunger strike demanding to get that money back?

TB- Err..

RP – Even if you don’t give it back to us, you are going to keep it with us or with the people like us. Our money will be safe either ways.

TB – But don’t you think printing too much money will reduce its value and kill its meaning?

RP – Is it? We are going to print it anyways. If you think it will reduce the value of your money, why don’t you donate whatever you have? I am willing to take it all. What is the use of holding onto a depreciating asset which is soon going to be meaningless?

TB – I didn’t mean it that way. But printing too much money will send the global inflation to moon, isn’t it?

RP – Won’t you be happy if inflation goes to the moon, marries Laika and happily stays there. I hope Laika is attractive enough at this age.

TB - My question was serious. I meant inflation will be uncontrollable.

RP – What is inflation? It’s a rising demand scenario resulting in a price hike. Hence one must keep pace with it. Those who keep pace with it will survive whereas rest will languish. Hence we are creating an extremely competitive scenario which will only accept the survival of the fittest. This will pose a challenge to our race – humans. We shall all improve, leaving behind the laggards. There shall be a whole lot which will be left behind. We plan to empower them in later editions of QE. We shall be a much improved breed.

TB – But commodity prices will sky-rocket.

RP – Oh my dear TB. Tell me how you define commodity – something any Tom, Dick and Harry can trade and that too in bulk? What is common between Tom Cruz, Dick Cheney and Harry Potter – they are all very special people. You cannot commoditize them. Problem is with the definition of term - commodity. I know you are referring to the prices of natural resources which are often known as commodity. Dear TB, they are gift from mother earth to all of us. Hence they should be treated as luxury as they all are precious, very precious. That is what we intend to do – make them so precious that only Tom, Dick and Harry can afford it.

TB – What about common people? What about the rest?

RP – Don’t you get the meaning of this exercise? We shall empower them. That is why we are printing money.

TB – But everything will still be pretty much out of their reach.

RP – We can only give them money to buy. Rest is not in our control. If they want prices to come down, they should stop buying. Don’t you know prices are a function of demand?

TB – So you will act as a socialist hidden behind the mask of a capitalist or vice versa?

RP – See, we are the most powerful nation. For ages we worked hard on our capitalist ways to reach the top. Now the time has come for us to bring others on equal footing with us. All we want to do is to strike balance between capitalism and socialism.

TB – You are confusing me?

RP – See, a socialist society ends like USSR. A capitalist lives a royal life like us.

TB – You mean like a parasite?

RP – I like your sense of humor. Haven’t you seen Dark Knight – If you don’t die as a hero, you live long enough to become a villain?

TB – So you feel vindicated. You think you have been unnecessarily being portrayed as a villain.

RP – Yes, you are right. For ages we have been blamed for empowering the rich – which meant us. Hence we have decided to empower the poor now. This will help people understand the nobility of our hearts. We are no villains. We are heroes who just don’t die.

TB – What about your currency losing its value?

RP – You are thinking like a pure capitalist. Think a bit like a socialist. For ages, our currency has been a dream for most of the world. You know people have died without even having looked at how a 100 USD note looks like. We don’t want to be that cruel. We want each and every human present on this planet to hold onto the most coveted piece of paper in this world. We want mass empowerment. For every man who could never see a 10 dollar note, we want his grand children to see a million dollar note. Don’t you see the phenomenal growth?

TB – You might well see a time when currency will just be a piece of paper. Next time you visit Mumbai, you might well see people eating Bhelpuri in the paper-pot made of a 100 dollar note.

RP – Ah, that will be a great day. George Washington was a great leader. Won’t he love to see an open mouth feasting on the food splattered on our great leader’s face to satiate a hungry stomach? His soul will be smiling cheek to cheek every time something like this happens. He may himself demand for some Bhelpuri. We must plant seeds of Bhelpuri near his grave. By the way, what is Bhelpuri? Can I get it in Wal-Mart?

TB - It’s an Indian fast food dish. You may find it a bit too spicy for your comfort.

RP – Oh India and its spices. That is the reason British came here. That is the reason I have come here, spices. I want to see spicy food being eaten up on our notes. That will strengthen the globe. That is our dream, world’s dream. Yes we can.

TB- Wow. So what is the plan of action now?

RP – Oh I have to rush now. I have to attend a meeting in FED’s office to chart out a plan for QE25.

TB – Thanks a lot. Ladies and gentlemen, we have had an enthralling session with Rosy. Atmosphere here is just electrifying and there is a buzz around the world. Now without taking too much of your time, let’s all welcome Q24. Let the show begin.

A helicopter showers US dollars in denominations of 10,000. The ceremony begins.

PS: Work of pure fiction cooked in my mind which has been absent for last few months.

Final Call from the Wall!!!

2011-08-08T14:33:00.002+05:30

“His shoulders look too tight. He is not fit for this type of cricket. They should play him only in test matches” said my father about Rahul Dravid as we saw him bat in his first few ODIs in Sharjah. I hated the selectors for picking him in ODIs. He was the first cricketer whose domestic career I had followed with keen interest. Dravid looked a perfect fit for India’s middle order in test cricket.

Soon I hated Dravid when I saw him bat in ODIs. A batsman is priced for his abilities to pick gaps in the field. Dravid was special. He had amazing ability to pick up fielders in the field. Ball after ball, he would keep hitting it to the fielder stationed at point or cover or mid-wicket. Ball after a ball, it would be a dot ball.

“We have new Sanjay Manjrekar here who himself was new Ravi Shastri” we often joked.

But my opinion changed a little bit on that night in Durban. It was an extremely well compiled innings which included a straight Six of Donald. Yes, a straight six of Donald. By Dravid. When Dravid hit that Six, we all jumped in pleasant shock and Donald abused him with eyes red in anger. Next ball was hit for four, we jumped in joy, and Donald sledged him with eyes wide open in surprise. Next ball was flick was missed by the full length dive of square-leg fielder, we all laughed in happiness, and Donald shouted at the fielder with his eyes evading Dravid. Even though India lost the match, Dravid’s magnificent 84 earned him MOM award.

If Durban changed my opinion about his abilities in ODIs, Chennai earned him loads of respect. His first century in ODIs gave us hope that we would be able to chase 328. Yes, 328, on the back of Dravid, Dravid who was considered to be a complete misfit in ODIs.

He was changing as a batsman. It didn’t surprise me a lot that he turned out to be leading run scorer in WC99. These runs included batting at the other end during two biggest partnerships in the tournament and a crucial half century against India’s final in the tournament – the match against Pakistan. Its England where ball swings 10 feet, cuts on the seam, bounces, doesn’t bounce, and sometimes even turns. It’s England where Dravid enjoys batting.

In his era, Ganguly faced a problem which has stayed with us for ages. His batsmen couldn’t bowl, his wicket keeper could do nothing, but to keep wickets and his bowlers didn’t even know how to hold their bats. Ajit Agarkar was the best available all-rounder to us which says a lot. Ganguly wanted to fit in an extra batsman. Dravid was his solution. With Dravid keeping wickets, India could play 7 batsmen and 4 bowlers. The argument given against this strategy was – If 6 batsmen can’t do the job for you, 7th will surely not. However, it was the 7th batsman who resulted in showing us the most famous topless show in cricketing history. And 7th batsman winning us the match wasn’t restricted to this occasion.

Dravid was soon becoming a good finisher in ODIs. In WC03, it was him and Yuvraj singh which won us the match against Pakistan after Sachin’s blitzkrieg. It was the same pair which won us a match in 2002 while chasing 271 in Lords. It was his unbeaten century which helped us in chasing 325 against West Indies in Motera.

Rahuld Dravid in ODIs was a changed batsman. He was the solidity India needed to see them through in case top order failed to finish the job. He had become the wall of last defense resulting in many victories in the area which for long had been India’s shortcoming.

It was fitting that it was his captainship under which India won 17 consecutive ODIs while chasing – a world record. It was all looking fine till that week of 17th-23rd March in 2007. We lost it all. Doomsday had struck. We were out of the world cup before we could even start.

What happened later didn’t matter much. India, the favorite in WC07, suddenly found it difficult to even compete in ODIs. Voices were raised to bring in young blood to replace old warhorses. When an unknown and unheard Indian team lifted the T20WC07 in South Africa, it was only a matter of time before selectors did away with people on the wrong side of 30s in shorter version of the game.

Dravid didn’t find a place in India’s scheme of things for ODIs. I thought I had seen his last in ODIs. I didn’t mind it much then. I would prefer to see Dravid ducking to a bouncer on a minefield in Durban rather than seeing him slogging on a flat pitch in Hyderabad.

Young blood brought in lot of agility in the field, lot of alertness while running between the wickets. But what it lacked was the ability to score runs when the bowlers had their say. It became very evident in T20WC09.

Selectors fell back to the old warhorse that always cherished in conditions favoring bowlers. Dravid was picked for Champions trophy to be held in South Africa and the series before that in Sri Lanka was given to him as practice. This step of going back to Dravid was like someone was coming back to his wife after finding that his mistress had robbed him – “Please forgive me. I know I was wrong. Please help me”

I thought I had seen the last of Dravid in ODIs. The wife cheater came back to his wife again after India’s dismal show in current India-England series. Dravid was picked again. I was surprised. Dravid announced his retirement. This made me sad. Not that I was used to of seeing him in Blue dress of Team India. But it made me sad that with him, a great chapter of Indian cricket in ODIs will officially end. With each retirement like this, a bit of my childhood, which has remained there thanks to memories associated with these legends, dies. Even the remote chances of seeing them play again for the country are dead. It’s like how you feel when a girl who has turns down your proposal. She may live next door or across oceans, one corner of your heart always remains hopeful that one day, she will change her mind. But the moment she gets married, your heart gets shattered – more than when your proposal was turned down. Because you know that this is THE END. Oh yeah, our neighbors on the western front may feel differently about retirements. But we are different.

Dravid may play in IPL till 2072 but it were the memories of him playing in Indian colors what I really cherished. I grimaced when he blocked, I grinned when I saw those square cuts racing past point boundary. I thought he was awful when he kept hitting to the point fielder, I was in total awe when I saw those inside-out sixes over extra-cover boundary. There came a time when I was more of a Dravid-fan than Sachin-fan because Dravid’s ability to see us through once Sachin got out. Sachin has often been blamed for his inability to finish off matches. This is one area where Dravid has been blameless.

It’s good that he is getting a chance to play in ODIs before he hangs his boots. It would have been a shame had Dravid retired like Uday Chopra. Okay, I am joking. But it would have been a serious insult to ODI cricket had Dravid retired in silence. He deserved a final showing. We deserved to see Dravid's final act, with the knowledge that this will be the final act, on a stage where he made his mark inspite of being considered a misfit. I hope he gets to play in all five matches, turns out to be the leading run scorer in the series and India wins the series with Dravid being declared as the “Man of the Series.”

There will be a time when Dravid announces his retirement from the art of batting in test cricket. I hope that time is delayed as much as possible.

For the time being, let’s all salute the wall.

Bell – come back!!!

2011-08-01T13:03:00.001+05:30

Sleep is a wonderful weapon against a mind running high on entropy. It calms down your mind. It makes you see things which you were invisible to you when you were last awake. So when I woke up this morning after sleeping with a mind as unstable as our lower order batting – a torturous Monday morning awaited me, England were in a position to call the shots in Nottingham test after being given two life lines by us, and we had shown gamesman spirit to a team who knows all the uses of Vaseline , my mind was in a more rational position to think.

We, barring rain or a miracle like this, are on our way to go down 2-0 in this series which will make English dancing on our heads for few years unless we win the next two matches. They have all the rights to do so. If loss at Lord’s was because of lack of preparedness, injuries, and illness apart from cricketing reasons, there is no excuse for our position in this test. Twice, I repeat, twice in this test we have handed over the same gun to them which we were using to hold them on their heads. As if we wanted to say “Tere liye to mere hath hi kaafi hain” Unfortunately, our hands have either hamstring problems or shoulder issues. Oh yeah, they even have an elbow problem.

Second issue was the one which will be remembered as the image of this test match – Ian Bell’s run out and then not out. Last night I was furious about it – forget England, no other team would have called a batsman back if he was given out within the laws of the game.

We did call him back. But if we called him back for the sake of gamesman spirit, why did we run him out in the first place? Didn’t we know that there would be a gigantic hue & cry after this? Agreed getting Bell run out was within the laws of the game and we must give credit to Bell for it – he acted wonderfully well pretending he was NOT trying to take a run.

Praveen Kumar threw it to Dhoni, who lobbed it to another fielder and stumps were broken. It was going to be a huge wicket but at that point of time, England was anyhow well ahead. I don’t think his dismissal was going to make such a huge difference. It would have been 4th wicket but the way we have allowed to let England’s tail bat in this series, it is unlikely that England would have folded up like we did in our first innings in this match or first innings in Lords or second innings in Lords. Anyhow, a wicket is a wicket – that too of a centurion who was batting exceptionally well. We had all the rights to run him out. Those who say it was against the spirit of the game to run a batsman out who is not taking a run, please go watch the video again. Even if you do not agree with me, you have all the rights to disagree with me.

So Dhoni ran him out knowing Englishmen would make deafening noise about it. Everyone contributed – those in favor or those against it. The entire crowd booed Indian team. We were made to look cheats by the crowd after we were accused of possible cheating by current and ex England players – Vaseline issue.

Teams came out for the port-tea session. Bell walked out to bat. Boos immediately turned into cheers. Dhoni, who was shown as a desperate cheat moments ago, was applauded for his sportsmanship spirit.

Now look at the issue this way. What did we have to gain if Bell had got out? We would have got a crucial wicket that too of Bell who was murdering our bowling. But Bell had scored enough to make sure that his team was in a match winning position.

Why did we do it - because of the heat of the moment? But where was the heat in that moment for us. We were looking colder than death after that partnership between Bell and Morgan. Had a newcomer done it, I would have accepted this argument. But it was Dhoni who lobbed the bowl to the fielder who broke the stumps. Isn’t he known as one of the coolest brains in the circuit?

Why did we reverse the decision - to show that we believe in the spirit of the game? But if we actually believed in it, we shouldn’t have run him out in the first place. Belief is a strong word. It cannot change within 20 minutes of tea interval. If we did run him out, there was no point calling him back. Either you believed that we needed that wicket at all cost or you did not. But it looked like as if we agreed to pay the cost but moments later realized it wasn’t worth. It wasn’t a mistake. It was well thought of.

Dhoni must have thought like this, ‘If we can get away with this silently, we get a wicket. If silence is met with the deafening noise, we can always withdraw our appeal till the next ball is bowled. After all we have a 20 minute tea break to assess the situation’

It was a win-win situation for him. When he saw that hell did break lose during the tea break, he withdrew the appeal and became the true ambassador of the game.

Rest of the world will argue for/against it for the time to come, weather what he did was right or wrong but none will question his integrity as a cricketer. He has stamped himself in the pages of Vishwanath and Walsh. They had a lot at stake. Dhoni had lot less as compared to them. Andrew Strauss may keep the series-trophy in his most secure locker, he may keep fantacising his number one test ranking for the rest of his life, but the Dhoni has stolen lot of fame from him yesterday. It will be known as the series of Dhoni's sportsman spirit which England won. It was a masterstroke by him.

I know there are more Dhoni bashers around than his supporters –most of us may not be brave enough to accept the reason behind it. One may argue that he is not the best captain we have had which and I agree – Ganguly was the best we had. Very few may argue that given his current form, he deserves a place in the side – be it keeping or the batting and to certain extent, I agree to it as well.

But he is one of the shrewdest mind I have seen playing cricket. England is most likely to win this test but the match will be remembered more for Dhoni’s sportsmanship than England’s victory.

For all those who are still arguing for or against his act of last evening, I would say what I said when Dhoni accepted that playing Nehra in the WC11 semi final against Pakistan might have been a mistake in hindsight .

I would say, “Read between the lines you morons.”

PS: Credit for the title of the post goes to Ramesh Srivats. I stole it from his tweets, yesterday. Hope he doesn’t sue me.

Lords!!!

2011-07-26T11:36:00.002+05:30

Okay, Okay we lost it. We are the worst team in the world. Our bowling is toothless. Our batting is spineless. Our captain is useless. All our cricketers should be robbed of their personal wealth and thrown in the Indian Ocean. I completely agree with you folks. They did win the world cup but that was 75 years ago, wasn’t it? I would have loved to write about a win or draw. Alas, this useless team didn’t give me a chance – like always. Losing is the name of the game for us. So I request all of you - kindly grant me permission to write about yesterday’s loss. Not that your permission matters but still. Here is how Last innings at lords went for me.

India is chasing 458. No Sehwag, hence we are looking to bat out 120+ overs – 27 overs in the last session of Day 4. If it was the team of 90s, match going to Day 5 would have been a bonus. But this team is different. We have lasted 180 overs against a less potent attack. We lasted 82 overs against a really threatening attack. So I have high hopes but do we have 11 batsmen to defend the match?

In Gambhir’s absence, Dravid and Sadagopan Munukd open the innings. Oh I got the name mixed up – it IS Abhinav Mukund, it WAS Sadagopan Ramesh. But it’s natural to get mixed up in this case, isn’t it? To strengthen my confusion, Mukund gets out in the same way which Ramesh had mastered in his days – dragging a ball directed towards gully to his stumps.

It’s 20/1 when I am forced to give up by the younger generation at home. I sleep or rather try to.

I see a dream that we are 5 down for 60 by the end of Day 4.

I pray to Lord Shiva, please open your third eye, and let this planet turn into the ashes. Lord Shiva smiles and tells me “Rise and shine, son.”

I respond and switch the TV on while expecting a heart attack. “Wow 80/1. Just 98 overs more to go”

The match starts at 3:30PM. I have a meeting at 2:30 PM. It lasts for 2.5 hours. Agenda for the meeting - that is what we look for during the entire period.

A friend texts, “4 overs, 7 runs, 0 wickets”. I take a sigh of relief.

Another friend texts, “Wall fall”. My heart sinks. If there is one man who can eat more time at the crease than the Indian judiciary does in its own field, it was him.

“Gambhir. He was the man in Napier. He was the man in Cape Town. Him it will be today” I reply.

Meeting gets over. I come down rushing to watch it live. Laxman has just smelt the crisis. He is batting normally. In his case, being normal is being brilliant.

Laxman pulls; broadcast shows its monsoon tantrums, England celebrate. Laxman is gone.

Damn. 3 down. I come back to my desk.

A friend tells me on chat, “Gambhir gone. 4 down”

MPwala guy comes to me and says “Dude, hope you know that Sachin cannot bat”

“But he is already batting, isn’t it?” I wonder which Sachin he was referring to.

“Oh is it. Then he cannot bat for more than an hour”

“Chill, he will bat us to safety today”

“No. You are not getting it. He was out of the ground for almost entire day yesterday. Hence he cannot bat for more than an hour. It is a rule. You better check it”

“So what will happen if he doesn’t get out in an hour?”I keep wondering.

“He will have to go back in any case. It is a rule. Check it” he orders. I ignore.

“I had told you we would lose before tea on Day 5. We will. It takes guts to make such a bold prediction my dear brother”

'Wish you had some common sense too along with your guts' I think.

I heart is sinking. I spell the charm “Expecto Petronum” Charm works. Sachin walked into bat at 109/4 at old Trafford in 1990. He and Manoj Prabhakar saved the test. We still have modern Manoj Prabhakar in Praveen Kumar waiting in the pavilion. I sent this comment to cricinfo. They publish it.

'That was 5th comment for this match that got published. Not bad. Will Bhajji’s wicket tally in this series beat my score? I mean my score only in the first test, entire series will be too much for him' I think.

It’s Lunch. I leave for home.

“Too difficult now” a friend calls.

“Why Sachin gone?” I enquire.

“No. They dropped him. He gets out soon after getting a life. It’s against his principles” he responds and hangs up the phone.

He sends a text within a minute, “Gone. 5 down”

It’s tea time.

Dhoni and Raina are battling it out. England needs 5 wickets. They have 44 overs to bowl in the last session.

'“44 overs in the last session? Are you kidding me? Indians don’t bowl 44 overs in a day.' I think.

I start counting - 44 more, 43, 42. Hope is building.

Tremlett bowls it well outside off stump and short. Dhoni still manages to nick it. He is gone.

Tracer Bullet murmurs, “It was touch and go.” He thinks nobody has heard it. I did. For once I agree with him. Dhoni somehow managed to touch it and Rauf ordered him to go.

Harbhajan comes in, heartbroken. His captain has made a mockery of him. He must realize that his captain has made a mockery of even test cricket. Harbhajan is yet to make it large to become bigger than test cricket. But he looks in a hurry to go back to the pavilion and sulk. He succeeds.

Praveen Kumar comes. 'May be Raina is Sachin and PK is Prabhakar, for future generation' I think. PK outthinks me.

I put my analyst hat on. India needed to bat out 4 sessions. They lost one wicket in first session, 3 in second, and 1 in third. Going by the past trends, India should lose exactly 3 wickets in the final session. They have already lost 3. No more wickets now. We draw.

Raina tries to prove me wrong. Billy helps him. I don’t lose hope. But Raina succeeds. My hope is wronged.

It is down to the last pair. I see my pessimistic friends getting ready for their “I told you” assault on me.

MPwala guy tells me on FB,”I told you we would fold up by the Tea on Day 5. And we are going to do exactly the same. Guts my friend, guts”

'But we are in the final session, Tea is already over. Oh, maybe he was referring to his own tea. I am thinking.

Last time we saved the Lord’s test by 1 wicket. “Maybe we’ll do it again” I just refuse to lose hope. As it turns out, I was hoping against the hope. We lose.

MPwala guy can have his tea now. He has waited for a long time. Rest of you can assault me with your “I told you so” crap.

But it is hurting. After all, unlike the past, losses have become relatively rarer.

I refuse to discuss cricket with anyone.

Indiana Jones and the last crusade look to be more soothing. Indi finally gets to lay his hands on the Holy Grail which gives a new life to his father.

Hope we get our Holy Grail before 29th of July. I am very hopeful that we will get it.

ICC World Cup 2011 Diaries!!!

2011-07-20T15:05:00.005+05:30

I am not a great supporter of e-commerce, apart from travel related business. I rarely buy any stuff online. There have been reasons behind it. Last year I placed an order for Rahul Dravid’s biography “Nice man who finished first” online and never received it. By the way, I am still waiting for my refund as well. Few months back I ordered Shane Warne’s autobiography. To my surprise, I received it within a week. But the book turned out to be nothing but a photo album printed on glossy paper. Buying something online has two major risks. First, I face the risk of product being not delivered or delivered in bad shape and losing money. Second, I can never be sure of the quality of the product. If go to a shop and buy it, more often than not I can mitigate these two risks.

However, when I saw ICC World Cup 2011 Diaries (DVD) being available at flipkart, I couldn’t resist the temptation to buy it. It would be perfect for my collection. Remember, anything for the world cup had been my motto. Hence I placed the order. The DVD was delivered very next day and I was mighty impressed with the website. I just tore off the covering of the DVD and put it into my DVD player. I was too excited to re-live those memories. Those two months were one of the best of my life.

But what followed next was two hours of extreme disappointment.

To me, Mahatma Gandhi was one of the greatest men who ever walked on this planet. As a kid, I read a lot about him. I was sure that Richard Attenborough wouldn’t have told me anything new about Mahatma Gandhi. He didn’t. Yet, Gandhi remains one of my favorite movies. No matter how many times I have seen the movie, I can watch it again. When I visualize Mahatma Gandhi, my mind cannot see beyond Ben Kingsley.

No matter how often you have heard a particular story, a good story teller will always engross you in his narration. It’s an art, the story telling.

Ashes 2005 was one of the best contests I have seen. I keenly followed this series, almost ball by ball. Each day, once the play got over, I used to search for the articles written about the day’s play. I also wrote a lot about it. It was Ashes 2005 because of which Fultoo Bakar got a mention in one of BBC’s articles.

But when I got to lay my hands on Ashes 2005 diaries, I was pretty much indifferent – I didn’t know what to expect from it. But to my pleasant surprise, what it contained was a beautifully made documentary about that series which generated similar adrenal rush like those matches had generated. Mark Nicholas, the narrator, starts it with the term Ashes Fever. The documentary moves on, match by match. They picked up some 10 people from different walks of life – actor, journalist, cricketer, ex cricketer etc, and let them talk about how they felt about it. I felt as if I was one of them. I could assimilate with each of them. Whoever made this documentary had done an amazing job.

Fire in Babylon is not the right parameter to crib about WC2011 diaries. Fire in Babylon was a class apart. If West Indies at its peak and their pace attack during those days could be explained in one word, it has to be fear. Fire in Babylon sets this tone right at the start. Seeing Robin Smith trying to save his head being banged by the red cherry weighing 5.5 ounces, you can sense the fear and starts shivering. When the expert cricketers talk, you can see the passion in their eyes. The one who stands out is Sir Viv Richards – his expressive face and the manner in which he talks shows that he could well have been an excellent actor. Maybe it was the Nina effect that has worked on him.

DVD of WC2011 diaries is light years away from such standards. A narrator remains one of the most important actors in a documentary. He sets up the tone. He tells you what you are going to see. He tells you what you are seeing. He tells you what you just saw. If you know the story, he lures you in listening to it again. If you do not know the story, he entices you to listen to it. In short, he drives the show.

BR Chopra’s Mahabharata didn’t tell anything new to us in 80s. Yet it is still stamped in our memories because it was so well made or maybe it was one of rare sources of entertainment in those days or maybe both. But if I ask you to name one dialogue from Mahabharata which you remember, in all likelihood it will be Main Samay Hoon. Harish Bhimani did a wonderful job as a narrator.

Compared to that, the narrator is almost missing from WC2011 diaries. I said almost, because he makes a rare presence during the first half to tell you - India played England in Bangalore and the match was tied.

Oh ICC, I hope you know that this product isn’t meant for mere cricket fans. Fans may not buy it. Devotees of the game will. And they are not interested in what happened. It’s the manner in which you tell them what happened, is important to them. They are interested in the foreplay that leads to an orgasm. An orgasm without foreplay is not a good idea.

Even if the USP of the product was to show unseen footages, it doesn’t mean showing Yuvraj Singh’s interview in his bedroom – Yuvraj himself looked so bored, how you can expect the interview to sound interesting.

Even if the USP of the product was to show how the spectators felt during the world cup, it doesn’t mean showing few kids shouting Bangladesh-Bangladesh and playing cricket in the streets of Dhaka.

One needs to build up a story, generate a flow, and allocate sufficient & deserved time for all the important events in it.

For example, a world cup semi final is an important event. This time Sri Lanka played New Zealand in one of the semi finals.

New Zealand’s life had been quite topsy-turvy for last few months. They had lost miserably to Bangaldesh by 4-0, were given no chance by most of the experts, and yet made it to the world cup semi final. New Zealand had beaten South Africa in the quarter final using their real strength – team work. They were not a side of stars. They were 11 men clubbed into one. Their slow bowlers had proved quite useful in the tournament whereas batsmen had either been too hot or too cold. But one place where they did not fail was fielding. They had fielded well and bloody well.

On the other hand, Sri Lanka was looking to play their second consecutive world cup final. Their in-form top order, suffocating slow bowlers and brilliant fielding had ensured them a birth in the semi final. But Sri Lanka also had an unmatched, unconquered, and almost unplayable weapon in their artillery. Lasith Mallinga.

In contrast to this, what we get to hear is classic music. What we get to see in form of build up for the match is – a butcher cutting meat in his shop, fish hanging in his shop, more fish hanging, and finally some crabs. May be the sea food signified Sri Lanka but there was another team participating. Were the sheep’s accidently edited?

In the India-Pakistan match, Sachin and Virat were batting reasonably well. Virat’s wicket was a small but important turning point as things changed after that. His wicket silenced everyone in my office. I am sure the reaction wouldn’t have been any different anywhere in the country. That reaction could have reflected and said a lot. It captured a lot.

What we get to see in the WC2011 diaries as soon as Virat get out is – a kid is taking bath in a pound, washer men washing clothes in dhobi ghaat with match-commentary running in the background.

I did not realize when did the narrator, who anyhow sounded constipated, stop talking. But he didn’t talk during the time when final is shown in the DVD. Final lasts 32 minutes and looks like highlights of the match prepared by Door Darshan.

The DVD ends with some “exclusive” clippings of the Indian dressing room, which we had already seen in numerous still photographs, and people celebrating at the streets which I saw myself. Thank God it ended.

To cut the long story short, I was a complete waste of my hard earned Rs. 509/-.

So dear ICC, kindly let me know the next time you are going to produce any documentary. I will take a break from my antipiracy stand and I will download it free of cost. I endure unbearable mental and emotional torture for every penny I earn. I am not going spend any of it to buy your torture.

ZNMD – Movie Review!!!

2011-07-19T13:05:00.004+05:30

(Warning: Spoilers Ahead!!!) ZNMD is a classic, an epic, a true master piece of art. It’s a tale of friendship and love. It’s a tale of human emotions - the joy, the tears, superhuman bravery, and natural fears. It’s an extremely well written, superbly directed showcase of movie making. I am sure ZNMD is going to go down as one of the best movies ever.

The story starts with three different people struggling from different issues, how they meet and become friends, their love lives, and how it all pans out beautifully in the end.

Foreign Actor (FA) is dark, definitely not tall, and not so handsome young man in his 40s who is sick of his family. His parents, both noted movie personalities in India, want him to follow their path. FA realizes that it’s not his cup of tea and fears ending up like his dear friend Lover Boy pretty soon. His father, being a writer, is master of using his pen. His mother, being a politician, has mastered using sword. FA knows that in the debate of pen being mightier than the sword or vice versa, the party that is always going to lose, is him. So he runs away from his house to find his own life.

Heated Ration (HR) is a definitely not dark, tall, and handsome young man in late 30s. Every male in HR’s family became bald as soon as he touched 15. HR is well past his 30s and yet had not turned bald. This was generating animosity amongst his family members for him. In addition to this, HR’s dad wants HR to grow up and out of the safety of family business. “Stop sucking your thumb HR. Grow up.” HR cannot help it if God has blessed him with an extra thumb. HR runs away in order to save his life.

Abhor Duel (AD) is a dark, tall and definitely not handsome young man from wrestlers’ family. His uncle and elder cousin brother are real wrestlers whereas younger cousin brother pretends to be a wrestler. But the biggest wrestler in the family is his cousin sister. They run a wrestling club known as Apne. AD’s uncle wants him to be part of this club but AD belongs to a different league. He hates fighting with other men. He wants to love them – so what if this love needs to be made. He wants to fly like a free bird.

All of them read an ad in the news paper – Zintha (Z) wants to hire new cheerleaders for her T20 team for the next season. Z was one of the sexiest bollywood extra in her days. She bought a team in world’s leading T20 league but her team fell flat in last year. “Team looked too sad. They need to be more cheerful. Your hugs are not working anymore.” was the reason given for team's failure. Hence Z wanted to hire fresh, energetic, enigmatic cheerleaders for her team. The trials for cheerleaders were to happen in Jalandhar – a town where people don’t do anything other than making IT large. May be that’s why Z chose this town.

FA, HR an AD land up in Jalandhar. They meet in the hotel lobby where everyone is staying and instantly discover a liking for each other. Soon, they become friends. Combined together, they pass and fail the criteria of perfect man in totality– tall dark and handsome. FA & AD are dark, AD & HR are tall, and HR is handsome. FA is not tall, HR is not dark, and AD is not handsome. They complete the entire spectrum ranging between good-looking men to ugly men. All they need to find out now is 3 female partners who will complete their group – each group has to have 3 male and 3 female cheerleaders. They need to be ready before they get their chance to present themselves before Z. Every group gets just one chance because right at the start of the competition, the message has been conveyed clearly – Zintha na milegi dobara (ZNMD).

Post intermission, the story at the other end of sexual divide begins.

Kal-Ki Kocchin (KK1) is an NRI trying to make her mark in Indian film industry. Her struggle becomes a horror show as soon as her boy friend’s brother develops a strange disease. As soon as he sees KK1, he starts shouting Daab-Ang, Daab-Ang (press body part, press body part) while lifting his shirt in a strange manner. KK1, taking it as a lewd pass, gets harassed and runs away.

Khararnaak Khauf (KK2) is scared of her ex boyfriend who has a history of beating up his girl friends after breakup. KK2 has just broken up with this boyfriend of her.

KK1 and KK2 also see Z’s ad and reach Jalandhar. They meet up FA, HR, and AD and the love story begins. Or rather, love stories begin.

KK1 falls in love with FA who loves KK2. Being not so tall himself, FA has a liking for tall women. But KK2 has just had a bad experience while being in a relationship with a short man. So her preference is tall men now. She loves AD but AD loves HR. Having grown up in a family which is world famous for its manhood, AD has developed a natural liking towards masculinity. After all, it’s all about loving your family. But HR loves KK1 because of her short height.

“Whatever we don’t have, we seek it in our friends. This remains one the biggest driver for friendship.” The message is conveyed clearly at the start of the movie.

They call themselves Pentagon.

You might have seen numerous love triangles but director of ZNMD has taken the loves stories to a new dimension – she has worked on a pentagon which has its one side shifted diagonally. It’s a wonderful capture of human emotions. Many a times you might feel like shedding your tears and wiping your nose. Like when FA comes to AD to share his emotions about KK2 and AD proposes to FA. Or when KK1 tells KK2 about her failing love life, realizes their conflict of interest, starts fighting with KK2, and realizes that they are friends from their last birth. They kiss and make up.

While they all are lost in their love pentagon, day of final trial comes sooner than expected. With just one day to go for the final trial, all 5 of them are missing the most basic need – 6th member of their team. What do they do now? A team of five will not qualify. Even if they hire some random female, it is not likely that she will gel well with them. Chances are high that they will fail in this competition because the biggest binder – love, would be missing for the 6th member. Second chance is just not allowed. After all Zintha na milegi dobara.

Director fails to answer the question – what if the 3rd female falls in love with someone in the group. May be she didn’t want to create a hexagon; hence the question is left unanswered.

To make it large, one can wait for the next life. Love and friendship is all that matters. But with only 5 members, they just cannot take part in the competition. Now all of them would have to go back to their respective lives. They have become so used to of each other that saying goodbye will sound more difficult than saying “Why are you so silent today” to Siddhu.

Emotions just put the 70mm screen on fire. Tears flood it. Everyone loves someone. If anyone says a yes, it will surely break a heart. If one heart breaks, all will follow the suit. Saying no will definitely cause havoc. Hence they all decide to say yes to everyone. They all make love, collectively, together, in their hotel room. The scene has been shot beautifully.

Z, who is on a secret vigil to check out on the participants, happens to have a peak-a-boo in pentagon’s room. She has just come out of a breakup and is weak at heart. Seing the ocean of love in which Pentagon is swimming, her heart starts jumping. She is into tears. The thought that pentagon will need to be broken, just because of some stupid rule, shatters her. She offers to be the 6th member of their group so that they are not disqualified.

The trial begins. Pentagon wins. They all are buoyed. But the decision of the judges, which is deemed unfair, is challenged by the other teams. The matter goes to Supreme Court. Supreme Court comes out with its verdict. Pentagon will need to perform in front of the court. Court will compare their live performance with the video footage of other groups’ performance. There is one condition – they need to find out a 6th member for the performance in front of the court. When the group asks the court if they can take Z as their 6th member, the court refuses saying Zintha na milegi dobara.

Movie ends but not the tears. They will be shed either till the eternity or if Zintha meets dobara. Maybe we will have to wait for the sequel.

England!!!

2011-07-18T14:55:00.002+05:30

The much talked about series kick starts this week. India, the number one ranked and world champions, take on England, the self proclaimed world champions but only in their own backyard. This series is given the status of THE SERIES to be followed. Well, it has to be because 2 of the best 3 teams will be competing in this series. Last time 2 of the best 3 teams competed just before the world cup in South Africa, it was THE SERIES to be followed. I know my generation will have an ear to ear smile as soon as it realizes that the common connect between these two series is India.

For me, England has always been a place where sun is always hidden behind the clouds. Wonder how they came up with the phrase of “Sun never sets in British empire” because it is hardly seen in their own country. The grounds are lush green. The ball always swings, so much so that even a Mark Ealham or a Ronnie Irani is qualified to play as a medium pacer. People, clad in business suits and hats come to watch cricket. They do not even shout on the events we Indians go mad – a wicket or a six, they just clap thrice. It is a place where it’s so easy for viewers to run to the ground that players often run for their lives as soon as the match is over.

It goes without saying that with a virgin passport, all the above-mentioned images were built in my ageing mind with the help of hours of television viewing.

England is also a place where we always lose the first test, put up some fight in the second and perform better than the home team in the final test. Later, the reason given for this gradual improvement after a steep fall is slow acclimatization in English conditions. 2007 was definitely an exception.

I remember that 1990 series started for me with a huge disappointment. DD refused to telecast the series citing financial reasons. It didn’t even show the highlights. Yes, our generation has seen such days.

The series started with Azhar winning the toss and putting England into bat, England losing 1 or 2 wickets quickly, Kiran More dropping Gooch on 36 and making amends soon – by then Gooch had added only 297 more runs to his score. Chasing 653, India needed 454 to avoid follow-on. I came rushing back from school hoping India would have avoided the follow-on. I remember commentators were talking about some strange event where all they were shouting was “It’s a Six.” Only after few minutes I understood what had happened. India needed 24 to avoid follow on with Kapi and last man Hirwani at the crease. Kapil gave no respect to Hirwani’s batting skills. He scored the remaining of 24 runs to save the follow - by hitting 4 consecutive sixes. Hirwani respected Kapils’s disrespect in his batting and got out next ball. India lost the test. Scoring rate in the test was well over 3 – it’s like scoring 200 in a T20 these days. Several reasons were pointed out for this loss – poor bowling, Azhar’s 87 ball 100, bad fielding, dropped catches, and the biggest one – putting England in after winning the toss.

Azhar said in his defense, “We did get a few wickets cheaply, didn’t we?”

I heard "I am batting well in the nets"

Second test was known for India’s escape from Alcatraz. India saved the test at Old Trafford from a position of no hope. Sachin scored his much awaited first test hundred. I remember, after the lord’s test, reading an article in Cricket Samrat which said that Sachin was still in this side because of backing of a very strong Mumbai lobby – Sunil Gavaskar was quoted saying “He sounds like Garry Sobers. See, even his voice resembles a great cricketer.” The article was titled “Tarah tarah ka jaadu” (magic of different kinds). As the years passed by, Sachin did turn out to be a magician.

India made England follow-on in the second test but it was a draw and we lost 1-0. When I asked my dad “We made them follow-on but they couldn’t. We did better than them, isn’t it?” he responded with a smile “It’s the score line of 1-0 that counts son, nothing else.”

Only saving grace was that we won the ODI series quite comprehensively. But the image of the series will always be Kapil’s 4 sixes.

We toured England again in 1996. This time we heard of a new channel – ESPN. Cable operators refused to pay extra to ESPN. We were devoid of seeing this series too. Anyhow, the story of the series wasn’t very different. We lost the first test and drew the rest two. But real story was away from the cricket ground.

Chetan Sharma, India’s only bearded cricketer till then was main reason for India’s success in England in 1986. In 1990, none of the players had beard and India lost. Hence we all were hoping Sidhu’s beard to repeat the magic of 1986. But Sidhu had a fight with Azhar and he came back without even playing. We had a backup in Vikram Rathod's beard. But he preferred to follow the law of averages – for Chetan Sharma’s heroics in 1986, Rathod opted for mediocrity. Well, it all evens out in long term doesn’t it?

But India got two new heroes in Rahul Dravid and Sourav Ganguly. India’s pace attack also gave us hope for future.

1996 was worse than 1990. We couldn’t even win the ODI series. Being a forgetteble series, I cannot recall any image from this series.

Come 2002 and things were entirely different. Under Ganguly, the team was looking different – more confident and for the first time, with a “We haven’t lost it till we have actually lost it” attitude.

But it all started on a familiar note. In spite of an awe inspiring, unbelievable, jaw dropping century from Ajit Agarkar in second innings, we lost the first test. We somehow managed to draw the second test thanks to a very defiant batting display from Indian middle order.

When Sourav Ganguly opted to bat on greenish track at Headingley, that too under overcast conditions, almost everyone said that he was doing a mirror image of what Azhar did in 1990 at Lords. As it turned out, not for the first time, Ganguly proved his critics wrong. It wasn’t the last time either. Coming from a state which had been ruled by the left wing for ages, Ganguly had a habit of proving his critics wrong no matter how right they were. Not often you see a batting side refusing to take the “bad light “even though the batsmen were facing fast bowlers. Light didn’t matter to Sachin and Ganguly on that evening. If someone needed bad light as an excuse to run out of the ground, it was England. We won the test and went into the final test with score line tied at 1-1.

Score line remained at 1-1 but we won the ODI trophy in a trendsetting style. But image of the series remains to ba THAT evening when they refuse to take the "bad-light".

Tour of 2007 was considered to be the last one for almost all the Indian biggies – Sachin, Dravid, Kumble, Laxman and Ganguly. If England would have loved to see the back of one player most desperately, I am sure it was Ganguly. Replace Enlgand with any other team in this sentence and I guess it will still be true.

Thanks to rain, Dhoni’s most ugly but extremely effective innings and a bad umpiring decision in the penultimate over of the match, India managed to save the first test. It was such a strange feeling. Second test had started and we were not playing the catch up game – it was still 0-0. Zaheer Khan bowled extremely well. So did Kumble and the rest. England was out cheaply in the first innings. India batted superbly – not a single batsman scored a century yet we managed a huge lead. In England’s second innings, when Vaughn was threatening to take England to a position of safety, Zaheer Khan somehow managed to hit the stumps. England collapsed. We won.

I don’t know after how many years; they went into the decider with a lead of 1-0. India scored real big in first innings but the only century, only century from an Indian batsman in the entire series, came from Anil Kumble. India was in a winning position but as Mr. Tracer Bullet would say “Did not put its foot on the accelerator.” Captain Rahul Dravid was blamed for defensive captaincy. Well that’s what the captains are there for – taking blames. India won the series 1-0.

Just after the final test, Sachin was asked if this was his last tour to England. Drenched in champagne, he looked so embarrassed as if he was caught nose-digging on camera. He just smiled, giggled, shrugged his shoulders, and said politely “I don’t know what to say.”

Just hope nobody asks him that question this time. You do not ask “When will you die.” God asks you, “When shall I come and pick you up”

We lost the ODI series. Nasser Hussain said on air during the ODI series “Even if India manages to win, this team looks totally hopeless. I see England’s future far better than this India.”

Well, one cannot blame Nasser. Batting was Nasser’s strength, not predicting future.

3 of India’s big 5 are still as good as they were 4 years back. Sachin, Laxman and Dravid will be England’s biggest worry. India may miss Sehwag but in Abhinav Mukund, England will surely not miss Sadagopan Ramesh. India’s weakest in the middle order, Suresh Raina, has just put up the strongest performance in the only tour match before the first test.

Zaheer Khan has become more prudent as a bowler, Sreesanth still doesn’t believe in prudence and Harbhajan is fighting to make it large. Thankfully Ishant is back, Munaf is still Munaf and PK will be giving selection headache to the team management.

Lords may result in a draw if the forecast is to be believed. If we somehow manage to avoid losing in the first test, England may well have to console themselves with the fact that they have won 3 out of last four Ashes’.

Let the show begin.